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Thread: Regretting my decision to break-up with my co-dependant partner.

  1. #11
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    Thanks everyone. I really needed these words of encouragement at that point in my life.

    I am making all the steps to make my life better, and I'm managing to loose myself in my passion enough to cope better.

    Thank you a hundred times over.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by HellHellHell
    Thanks everyone. I really needed these words of encouragement at that point in my life.

    I am making all the steps to make my life better, and I'm managing to loose myself in my passion enough to cope better.

    Thank you a hundred times over.
    Best wishes to you x Stay safe

  3. #13
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    You need to work on yourself, before getting into any type of relationship. Stop all the gaming and work on getting a job and finding local friends to interact with.

    This relationship was a disaster from the beginning. Block and delete.

    Others cannot make you whole.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 09-26-2020 at 02:46 PM.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Well, we both were problematic on hindsight, I am thinking we both played a bad part in it My opinion's always been that people who seek out or accept long distance, online romances aren't fully whole in themselves enough to seek out more realistic, local dating opportunities. This is a prime example of how you two found yourselves in this predicament.

    There are so many resources you should be seeking out right now and put romance aside. Job placement help centers. A life coach. Continuing therapy. Volunteering in a venue that might end up in employment there, or give you important work experience for elsewhere. Get a hobby besides gaming, where you're in the presence of people in 3D. Limit your gaming to something like one hour per day and never again pursue romance long distance--the hardest form of dating there is.

    When you have a good job, a hobby you can be passionate about, and a support system of friends and family, you will probably be ready to date. Meetup.com is a good place to start. It's less stressful than online dating. Good luck and keep us updated.

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  6. #15
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    Hello everyone! A quick update, things are going way better.

    I've been working on a lot of projects and although it's a messy construct at the moment, I think I'm slowly moving to where I want.


    I want to just make a side note, that yes, that relationship was a disaster, we both were in bad spots in our lives but I guess we both are people who get lost in ideals.
    Two people on the other side of the world, trying to make it work and being best friends and lovers, the meetings were amazing and it felt like we were both discovering a totally foreign world when meeting each other. We both were artists in our core, her pursuing graphic arts and me music. She was always surprising me with new things to do (she would bring crayons to teach me about colors, water paints, even clay sculpting!) and we both stared at the world with unending curiosity when with each other.
    She even was planning to move out to my country as soon as she could (I was at first skeptic of her reasoning behind it, but she instantly took a small job that made her able to fly abroad here and there to meet me, which still surprises me, thinking about how ressourceful she was), but at the time I failed in telling her I thought things were moving too fast, since I didn't figure what the weird feeling was at the time.

    I think over the time of our relationship, both break-ups made us realize we could have been better to each other. Even though it was dysfunctional, I now deeply appreciate my ex, not that she was a perfect person in any way, shape or form (neither am I), but in that break-up I also realized my flaws and mistakes and how I acted in relationships.


    I might be seeing things through rose-tinted glasses, but to me the first half of our relationship was both of us being immature, the second one it just enabled me to be a terrible person due to my insecurity and lack of trust from her previous actions, yet now thinking back at it, she became the most supportive and caring girlfriend I ever had (albeit she still was overly clingy and wouldn't understand healthy boundaries, but at the same time, neither did I).

    If anything, I regret not knowing more about breaking up with someone in a healthier way, I ressorted to demeaning her, ignoring all attempts she gave at being cared for and stopped compromising for her, she was probably feeling guilt tripped all along, I really regret hurting her that way.
    In retrospect, the cheating made me think she was another person than she was, she is actually a really sweet and highly sensitive person, but her dishonesty stuck to me and I never could have seen her the same, to the point I ended up treating her with only contempt and disrespect, it really enabled a ty side of me I never want to put anyone, or myself, through again.

    I've been thinking of recontacting her and telling her about all this, mending what we have, not to get back together, but to be able to support each other as friends, since in my book, she is still the person who nudged me towards my passions, even if at the time I was too miserable and self-absorbed, pitying myself to even try to get out of my shell.
    Yet I feel like the best form of thanking her is giving her the space to work on herself, and move on. I still gave her the option to reach out further down the line so we could get in contact, in a hopefully, healthier way.

    I am not looking for anything romantic with her, I just honestly think we'd have been better off as friends than lovers.
    I just would be disappointed if in the end all the supportive behaviour was just a result of her being attached to me, since I know we both could use all the support we could get to start off on our projects.


    I am no longer looking to date anyone exclusively (or even to date at all to that matter, being alone never bothered me since I love the person I can be at times), I couldn't stand to play any game ever since we broke up, I actually always had a lot of hobbies (drawing, various instruments and more) and I am working out again. I'm aiming for studies and learning more about everything. I might also be in an amateur garage band shortly, which I always was a bit iffy about.

    It also pushed me towards getting therapy, taking back singing lessons and also Coach Corey Wayne's channel and books, which are really helping me making sense out of myself and others, and finally made me realize that understanding relationships might be a skill to develop too.

    Again, take it with a grain of salt, but I really want to stress at how amazed I am at the change my ex did in her behaviour, and I have enough time apart from her to notice that she understood me better than any person I have ever met. I do not know what she did to herself, and although I still think we were uncompatible and her past behaviours were unforgivable in my eyes, I have never seen someone grow and change that much for me. I know that there are plenty of fish in the sea, plenty of opportunities and I always had a longing for meeting new partners, but I am still amazed by that one person. Even in the break-up she told me to follow the dreams I had, and that she loved me.

    I never thought I'd say that but I'm nothing but thankful for the disaster of a relationship we had. That even in the break-up it was a learning experience. I wish I could thank her and help her the same way she helped me figure myself out.

    But since I think it should happen on her own terms and she probably won't reach out for a while (I really treated her badly, and I am still feeling guilty for it), I'll just go ahead and thank everyone who replied in this thread.

    Thank you. I may not be able to do much in return but be grateful. Thanks to everyone who replied to me when I reached out.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    No. You are too fresh out of the break up and it was only a month since the earlier post/start of the thread. Don't contact her for support. You're still in a vulnerable state and you have her on a pedestal also. There are too many red flags in your writing. I'm sorry to say this.

    Stand on your own two feet for a few years before thinking of reconnecting with this person as 'friends'. It's not a good idea to reach out for support. Find support through actual friends and family, platonic relationships. Don't self-sabotage. Leave yourself space and breathing room to grow independently forwards.

  8. #17
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    I wanted to rephrase, I am not going to ask her for support, it'd be a nicely added bonus, as I really have an issue where people compliment me but only her took the actual time to get behind my thought process in creating something (I can't explain, and no, this is not an afterthought, I really felt like it was genuine at the time).

    Could you point me out to the red flags though? I am curious, for right now, I genuinely believe that she turned around for the second part of our relationship.
    If it wasn't for the dishonesty (due to being afraid of consequences of her actions), she showed the first time around. I honestly think I'm just accepting of her shortcomings and nature as of right now, I am still hesitant on being friends with her due to it.

    I feel like I am stable and on my own two feet, if anything I wouldn't care less if she has a boyfriend at this point, I really just wish for her to heal up and move on. If anything, that would bring me closure and a reminder to be more careful for the signs, and confirm whether she changed or it was just a fašade.
    If she actually did change at all.

    But I'm more than interested in your opinion, everything helps me understanding myself and the situation better. Thank you

    I already took the time to grieve, mourn and became closer to my family during all this time, I think I can tolerate anything going my way.

  9. #18
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    What Wiseman said. I wanted to reply after reading the title of your post and I am scratching my head. Do you want a healthy relationship? If you do, I would focus on not moving backward.

  10. #19
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    The best gift you can give yourself now is you. The moment you start shifting your focus to your life is when you actually find happiness. The more you dwell on the past, what worked or not , more you will be attached to that person. Let her go shift your focus to yourself. Some relationship start good turn toxic due to various reasons, learn to let go else you end up hurting yourself in the process.

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