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Husband flirting


MimiLuvs

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Recently, I saw a text between my husband and a girl that he plays soccer with. My husband and I had a conflict over our relationship and I left and went to stay in a hotel. We have been married for just shy of 10 years.The minute I left, he started asking me to come back. But the next day, he started texting girls and telling them about me leaving. I discussed this with him and told him that this is just really inappropriate. This type of interaction has something to do with why I left in the first place. He played it off like it wasn't flirtatious and he "didn't mean anything by it". I told him absolutely it was flirtatious and any woman would see it that way, whether on my end or the woman who is being flirted with. And flat out, it makes me look stupid when he does this. My initial reaction is that he used my leaving to have this personal conversation with her in the guise of looking for advice (which he never actually asked her for advice - he just put it out there that I left, and more importantly that he is single, and proceeded to flirt), and she reciprocated by affirming that she is single.

 

Husband: My wife left me yesterday. I'm trying to see if I can fix it, but not sure it's going to happen. It's been an issue off and on for a while.

Girl: I'm so sorry Robert!!! Maybe her emotions are all over after losing her parent???

Husband: I don't think so

Girl: I'm so sorry Robert

Husband: Thank you.

 

Next day:

Husband: Sorry about the randomness last night. For the record, it was a sober text, not drunk lol

Girl: Lol! No worries at all! I hate that you are going through this at all. You're an amazing person so just know that

Husband: Thank you on both accounts. It does suck.

Girl: Been there twice unfortunately.

Husband: I'm sorry (Sad face) We can bond Friday lol

Girl: Deal

Husband: You look like you're having a little to much fun out there lol (The girl is in California, and I believe that he is referring to photos and posts on Facebook)

Girl: Maaaaaaybe

Husband: LOL

Girl: It's kind of convenient I'm single cause my college boyfriend I have not seen in 20 years is here and we are going to dinner tonight 😳

Husband: Awe (Sad face) where does that leave me lol

Girl: Haha 😆 we can still bond Friday lol

Husband: LOL. Going to hold you to it lol

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Wow....well....you pretty much caught him with his pants down. I mean he is actively setting up an affair in your face. Of course, he will never admit that to you and will gaslight you and call you crazy and misinterpreting things and so on. So if you are looking for a tearful admission and apologies, you'll be waiting for eternity. People who cheat don't care and aren't sorry about it.

 

The question is - what are you going to do about it? Is this acceptable to you?

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No, I am not ok with this. I never have been. He played it off and said he did not mean anything by it. I am just trying to ground myself and make sure that I am thinking clearly and not over-reacting to it. I am serious about divorce this time. There is obviously more to it than this, but this is just the nail in the coffin. He has never admitted anything until I put proof in his face.I am just baffled at what he is holding on to. Obviously he wants me to be married to him, but he wants to be single. I am perfectly OK with that, I just wish he would stop working things out with me and then continue his ways.

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Sorry about all this.

 

Can you explain a bit more about how it was this sort of interaction that led to you leaving? Does your husband have a history of engaging with women in a way that makes you uncomfortable? Have their been instances of infidelity? Do you have a history of "leaving" your husband when you're upset with him? Has the word "divorce" been a dominant part of your marriage?

 

It is hard not read your post and see a marriage that has broken down, has maybe been in a broken state for quite some time, to the point that you each find a certain comfort in the idea that it is wrecked than the idea that it could be improved. You have as much agency in this relationship as he does. In other words, you can end it. Saying you'd "wish he would stop working things out with me and then continue his ways" kind of removes your agency from the whole thing. If he has repeatedly shown you that he is not capable of being the kind of husband you want him to be, what is it that you get from the cycle of staying and leaving?

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There is a really good blog and a book about this that you might find very helpful in answering so of the why does he act like this. The blog is called chumplady.com and the book is called "leave a cheater, gain a life".

 

No, cheaters don't actually want to leave their marriage or main relationship and they'll go to great lengths to lie to their SO about wanting to work things out. It never stops them from cheating though.

 

To me the text exchange is so blatant, I'd say it's the ultimate smoking gun. There is nothing to misinterpret here. It's the absolute classic cheater set up - identify a woman who is of low character, give her the tired old story about how his wife is awful, work that angle until they end up banging. She sounds pretty eager as well, although she isn't your problem, your husband is.

 

I'd contact the top 3-4 divorce lawyers in the area and pay for a formal consultation. Hire the one who is the biggest ahole, follow his advice to a t on how to go about things and get rid of the cheater. Also, don't tell or warn the cheater that this time you really mean to divorce. Don't give him a chance to harm you financially. You do all the prep work quietly and surprise him when he gets served, aka with his pants down since that seems to be his comfort zone. I doubt this is the first time he's done this, just the few time you've caught him.

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I have never left before. Yes, there have been instances of him being inappropriate with other women. As far as I know, he has never taken it to a physical level. The conflict that caused me to leave is that we are in a sexless marriage. Sex has been an issue since the first year of our relationship. We had not had sex in about 3 years until recently when we were out of town. I flirted with him and it happened. So we started talking about our sex life, and I confronted him about his use of porn. This has come up before, and he swore that he would stop and work on our marriage. Before this recent three years (which is the longest period of no sex, it was infrequent and always initiated by me. My husband doesn't even look at me. And I am not hard to look at, by any means. I even have asked him, hey was there anything that I have done or said - or something that I have not done. He says the only issue that he has ever had with me is that I don't go to his soccer games.

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Ugh.

 

I hate to say it, but it sounds like you are realizing the limitations of a relationship that is missing a core ingredient. Subtract the porn and the texting—like, pretend none of that happened—and you still have a relationship in which your sexual connection has never been a strong one, a fulfilling one. Like a home built without a proper foundation, it will struggle to stand upright over time, through changing weather.

 

Can I ask how old you guys are? Do you have children, or desire children?

 

I'm so sorry about all of this. What he is doing is unacceptable, so very far from what you deserve from the experience and experiment of love. Given that you don't even have a foundation of intimacy to try to get back to, it's very hard for me to see either of you finding what you really need from the other, hard as I know that is to contemplate.

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Sorry to hear this. Goos you consulted an attorney. What do you mean by "this time"? Have you threatened divorce before? Of course you realize empty threats mean nothing and gives him the green light to continue what he's doing. Also speak with a therapist to guide you through the emotional turmoil of all this.

I am serious about divorce this time.
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You have our agreement that what he did is inappropriate but what is it that you need? Just venting that he is being a uncaring jerk that flirts with other women is all good but you are hurting and looking at a very big decision.

 

If you are done and do not trust him then the marriage is over emotionally and the only thing left is to make it legally official.

 

Do you want to try and repair it or call it quits?

 

No sex for 3 years, he has a porn problem, is flirtatious with other women and thinks he isn't doing anything wrong on top of the fact that you have a lot of anger and resentment towards him leads me to think you have checked out and are no longer In Love with him. There may be some love there because of the time you have been together but that is it.

 

Lost

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Ugh.

 

I hate to say it, but it sounds like you are realizing the limitations of a relationship that is missing a core ingredient. Subtract the porn and the texting—like, pretend none of that happened—and you still have a relationship in which your sexual connection has never been a strong one, a fulfilling one. Like a home built without a proper foundation, it will struggle to stand upright over time, through changing weather.

 

Can I ask how old you guys are? Do you have children, or desire children?

 

I'm so sorry about all of this. What he is doing is unacceptable, so very far from what you deserve from the experience and experiment of love. Given that you don't even have a foundation of intimacy to try to get back to, it's very hard for me to see either of you finding what you really need from the other, hard as I know that is to contemplate.

 

 

I am 48 and he is 38 ( I look like I am in my 30's and not hard to look at by any means. I am very attractive). When we got married, we both said (him first) that he wanted to get married and have children. We have not had children because simply we never had enough sex to produce children and now it is too late.

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He played it off like it wasn't flirtatious and he "didn't mean anything by it".

 

Oh please. It's so glaringly obvious what he is doing. You nailed it right on the head.

 

I agree with DancingFool: This marriage is so over. Get the divorce process rolling. Don't give him a head's up about it, or he will find some way to manipulate you again. He's clearly very resourceful and successful when it comes to manipulation. Drop it on him like a bomb and be done.

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If he was simply asexual, he wouldn't be chasing after other skirts. Even though you never caught him doing anything physically, I'd personally bet good money that the reason you never had a good sex life or any sex life is because he was too busy elsewhere. Way past time to divorce him. Even if he wasn't cheating.....that's obviously not a relationship and a life you want to live. Divorce in this case is long past due regardless.

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You have our agreement that what he did is inappropriate but what is it that you need?

 

Right, pretty much just venting and also I am so angry and hurt that I am struggling to think clearly and rationally. I just wanted a neutral opinion about this. I trust my judgment and gut feeling but as I said - I am just not in a good place right now.

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He's checked out emotionally, mentally. The issue is that he appears to blame you for his behaviours whether you're in the room or not, texting others or not. This is typical for people who don't accept that their behaviour hurts and damages others. It's abusive and maybe you haven't seen it in that light at all during your marriage.

 

The bottomline is he treats you badly and isn't faithful. Lack of faithfulness in a relationship isn't only characterized by infidelity or third parties. It also means stonewalling, pushing the blame back on you, making you appear like the crazy one, deflecting any arguments or not taking responsibility for broken communication or verbalizing what he wants in the relationship. My only advice is stay away from it and keep away.

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If he was simply asexual, he wouldn't be chasing after other skirts. Even though you never caught him doing anything physically, I'd personally bet good money that the reason you never had a good sex life or any sex life is because he was too busy elsewhere. Way past time to divorce him. Even if he wasn't cheating.....that's obviously not a relationship and a life you want to live. Divorce in this case is long past due regardless.

 

The way I see it is that what ever you find out is not everything. I figure that I probably know 10-50% MAX of whats going on. Although my focus cannot be simply what is going on outside of our marriage, because what is NOT going on within our marriage is simply enough and should be my main focus.

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Keep posting and getting advice but ultimately you are in the drivers seat on this because it is your life.

 

When your mind has calmed a little consider starting a new thread about divorce advice from a 10 year marriage. There are plenty of people here with unfortunately plenty of experience...

 

Keep posting, you are safe here.

 

Lost

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Is this an arranged marriage or a marriage for residency/convenience purposes? How did you meet and why was the marriage asexual? And how is that not a red flag? Is it a sham or open marriage?

 

No, not arranged or anything. We met through his mother and he pursued me. Everything was great in the beginning. For transparency, his mother and my father are 2nd cousins. We did not know each other growing up. I know people might have certain opinions about this, but 3rd cousins are not a big deal at all. A while back, we talked about that and to be honest, we both pretty much forget that we are distantly related until we show up at an older persons funeral or something and there are relatives that we are both related to. Definitely not an open marriage. I have stated that I will not share my husband with anyone (or any thing for that matter). I have made that clear.

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Keep posting and getting advice but ultimately you are in the drivers seat on this because it is your life.

 

When your mind has calmed a little consider starting a new thread about divorce advice from a 10 year marriage. There are plenty of people here with unfortunately plenty of experience...

 

Keep posting, you are safe here.

 

Lost

 

This is everything, thank you. Thank you for taking time to reply and for your support.

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