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Dating with Codependency


Long Gone

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Hi guys

 

As my mind comes around to the prospect of wanting to meet someone again. I'd really appreciate hearing how those who have or know of codependency keep it in check.

 

I've been continuing to read up on relationships and self worth, and the the crux of the matter seems to be, the act of being in a relationship shouldn't be what makes you happy, but the partnership of two happy people. I'm paraphrasing, but I hope I'm on the right lines.

 

I think ever since being in my early teens, 'falling in love' has been in my mind 'the route to happyness', and I think it's become hardwired, possibly due to my mother having little involvement in my upbringing, possibly not.

 

I'm learning and wanting to change. Any feedback about moving forward this way would be welcome.

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I've only read a bit of your other threads, so I'm not familiar with the nitty-gritty of your history. But some general thoughts...

 

This might sound strange, but I think there are kind of two key steps to self-awareness, to the eternal business of further inhabiting ourselves. First step is the epiphany about ourselves—a codependent streak, in your case. Whoa, we go, so that's what it is! There is comfort in that, information, a label to hold in the hand, turn around, analyze, even fetishize a bit. It's a fertile state of being. But it has to lead to another state, to step two, which is not thinking about it as such a big deal but just one small piece of the complex whole that is us. Or, put another way, you have to get back to just thinking of yourself as a human being, not a Codependent Human, so you can connect on that level above all others.

 

Guess what I'm saying is that if you date thinking "I'm codependent but want to be less codependent" the odds are that you are just going to maximize the very thing you're trying to minimize. You risk freezing yourself in step one. On the other hand, if you commit to shoring up your more independent nature, while single, you are likely to be less codependent in matters of romance, in an organic way, because you've done a touch of "work" to demagnetize some internal magnets, if that makes sense. You've formed a new set of habits that have replaced the old set.

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So DB, I think this sums it up.

 

"Do codependents really love?

In this scenario, the lover cannot be the individual they really are, but must fulfill a role their partner has for them. ... The trouble is that there is never enough love. That is where the codependent come in. Because of low self esteem and deep seated insecurity, the codependent cannot be the person they really are."

 

And this (from MentalHealth.net:

 

"How do you know if you have a loving relationship or one that is codependent? The answer is that if you constantly submerge your wishes for the wishes of another or fear asserting what you may wish, then, you may be in a very self destructive relationship."

 

And this (expressed better than I ever could):

 

"Before long the codependent becomes emotionally dependant on their partner and obsessed with their problems and needs. It is a parasitic relationship; the codependent feels like his survival depends on having the other person in his life. It is an addiction in every sense of the word; the other person becomes the codependent’s drug. It is an obsession that consumes his every waking thought. The hopelessness and depression that result only make him cling tighter to the other person. He may smile for the world but inside he feels like he is dying. He begins isolating himself because he does not want others to know about the secret life he is leading."

 

Falling in love, nothing wrong with that DB. And you can fall in love and progress to a happy and contented relationship. Toxic "love" aka obsession is a different matter.

 

You are more aware now DB, and you just need to pull yourself up, sharply, any time you find yourself putting another's (perceived) well-being before your own.

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Great questions. I like Bluecastle's point about how we perceive ourselves and allowing yourself to be human while still recognizing parts you'd like to improve.

 

Without going into details, my brush with codependency in a partner involved feeling extremely suffocated to the point of mental and emotional abuse as the behaviours became more and more angry, bitter and resentful when that partner perceived I didn't need him the way he desperately needed to feel needed in a relationship.

 

If you feel yourself slipping into a negative space or not feeling needed or loved in a relationship, come back to yourself and be kind to yourself and your partner. Focus on positives. I think the cycle leads to depression as low feelings sort of snowball. Find ways to stay grateful and positive for all the good things that you do have together or as an individual.

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I tend to attract codependent people like a magnet and my personal experience (generalizing somewhat I'm sure) is that people like that have a very poor or even no sense of self. It's like they never worked on building a solid personal identity, sense of self, self reliance. Emphasis on building that. It sounds to me like early on you simply opted for the easy route - adopting someone else's life, interests, identity.....it's really a form of personal laziness.

 

In a nutshell, when you learn to be self reliant, you can't also be codependent. When you build a strong sense of self, a strong personal identity, it will become impossible to set aside your needs and just glom onto someone else, boring really.

 

Thing is that being aware is your greatest asset because you can now work on all that. Should you be jumping into dating right now? Well....that's a very codependent thing to do isn't it? It's kind of avoiding exactly that - the hard work you need to actually do on yourself so that you can make a good partner who actually bring something of value to be table instead of just taking.

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Hi! I’m currently working on this as well. What I’m finding about not dating right now is that I’m dealing with a wide range of emotions myself. I used too think having someone would cure me of ‘loneliness,’ anxiety, feeling sad. Nope I just took those emotions into the relationships I had and they were magnified. I’m finding that I actually handle the emotions better on my own.

 

I think it’s important you focus on not needing anyone to make you happy or not needing anyone. That’s where co dependency has a viscous cycle. You rely too much on your happiness to be found in others.

 

I don’t recommend everyone doing this. But I’m taking six months to a year to just focus on my needs. I’m wanting to learn how to be self sufficient in my own emotional needs. I want to re enter the dating world happy with who I am and having been alone this whole duration to know I’m fine by myself.

 

I’m not saying you have to be perfect and it’s nice to have a supportive partner to vent too. I’m just thinking if you go from person to person to find yourself that’s not good.

 

There has to be a healthy balance.

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Hi! I’m currently working on this as well. What I’m finding about not dating right now is that I’m dealing with a wide range of emotions myself. I used too think having someone would cure me of ‘loneliness,’ anxiety, feeling sad. Nope I just took those emotions into the relationships I had and they were magnified. I’m finding that I actually handle the emotions better on my own.

 

I think it’s important you focus on not needing anyone to make you happy or not needing anyone. That’s where co dependency has a viscous cycle. You rely too much on your happiness to be found in others.

 

I don’t recommend everyone doing this. But I’m taking six months to a year to just focus on my needs. I’m wanting to learn how to be self sufficient in my own emotional needs. I want to re enter the dating world happy with who I am and having been alone this whole duration to know I’m fine by myself.

 

I’m not saying you have to be perfect and it’s nice to have a supportive partner to vent too. I’m just thinking if you go from person to person to find yourself that’s not good.

 

There has to be a healthy balance.

 

Brilliant post worth repeating. You simply cannot find yourself in other people.

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Hi Dales,

 

Good on you to 'learn' and go by that. I do as well.

 

Sadly, we get all kinds, some are challenged.. and lost in themselves. Some seek out someone to 'try and make them feel better'. In that case, you will fail. It will not work, since you will drain them and cause issue's.

Depending on someone like that, is stressful- and means you are NOT involved for the right reasons..

 

Same as 'using' someone, ya think? Eventually it will fall apart, as the relation will not build properly.

( like when someone is using someone else because they have money, or they have a car, etc... that person will most likely catch on = problems).

 

Many things contribute to a relationship being successful.

Stability counts.. sending off bad vibes doesn't cut it. Nor does insecurity, desperation, distrust etc.

 

If you are dependent on someone, it means you are relying on THEM to make you feel better.

You can't do that, or you will be severely disappointed and as I mentioned, you drain them.

 

You should be okay to look into someone of interest IF you are feeling good, can 'give' into it as well. since it always

takes TWO.

IF you are 'not happy' with yorself, that can most often spill into your relation, as you will be more a 'negative'.

Of course, unless you are both that way, then you can both be dragging , draining on each other..

Is up to the individual, as to what they will tolerate.

 

Sadly, many people either get too emotionally involved- which makes things so hard to get out of it.

Some people are that 'needy' themselves, that they will just take it- yet it is affecting their mental health..etc.

 

Ohh, I think I am rambling....

Anyways, from my end, I have experienced a lot. As I said, there's all kinds out there.. and because I became aware, of what it was doing to me- and I knew I had to remove myself from a few 'toxic' relations.. was a learning experience.

 

And as LiMichelle has said.. I am also taking some good 'down time' to take care of myself.. and am in NO hurry to get involved again. has just been too much on my mental health.. as Relationships expect a lot out of you.

 

But, is awesome it all works well- and both ARE 'Happy & comfortable' in it.

 

Try not to "over think' all of this.. and drive yourself, batty..lol. We meet many people in our lives... sometimes we go further with that.

If you are too uncertain due to your past, maybe consider some prof help?

 

Gd luck

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Thank you everyone for the great feedback. I'm so glad I posted this thread.

 

 

Thing is that being aware is your greatest asset because you can now work on all that. Should you be jumping into dating right now? Well....that's a very codependent thing to do isn't it? It's kind of avoiding exactly that - the hard work you need to actually do on yourself so that you can make a good partner who actually bring something of value to be table instead of just taking.

 

This is a very good point, and I think you are very much right.

I think I have had a fear of time passing by, I'm 35....dare I say still a virgin, very limited experiences with women due to a lack of confidence. This has been building and playing on mind for many years. However all of thes examples are very much NOT a reason to be dating. I think it's been all that harder due to the fact I only have one family member left which is my mother who has never been a 'mother' to me. So there's a whole 'family' aspect missing in my life. Again though, not a reason to be dating.

 

3 years I've thought I was healing since my Grandad (brought up by grandparents and called him Dad) passing, but I've been stagnating and it's only in the past few weeks that I can finally see that now.

 

I'm losing weight, and hopefully at the rate the weight is coming off next year I may get down to somewhere that I'd class as being relatively a healthy weight. Something I've never been in my entire life. It's all sort of exciting.

 

Its sad that I have clearly been codependent since my teens when I look back on why I wanted to be in relationships. Its a horrible feeling and I certainly wouldn't wish it on anyone.

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Thank you everyone for the great feedback. I'm so glad I posted this thread.

 

 

 

This is a very good point, and I think you are very much right.

I think I have had a fear of time passing by, I'm 35....dare I say still a virgin, very limited experiences with women due to a lack of confidence. This has been building and playing on mind for many years. However all of thes examples are very much NOT a reason to be dating. I think it's been all that harder due to the fact I only have one family member left which is my mother who has never been a 'mother' to me. So there's a whole 'family' aspect missing in my life. Again though, not a reason to be dating.

 

3 years I've thought I was healing since my Grandad (brought up by grandparents and called him Dad) passing, but I've been stagnating and it's only in the past few weeks that I can finally see that now.

 

I'm losing weight, and hopefully at the rate the weight is coming off next year I may get down to somewhere that I'd class as being relatively a healthy weight. Something I've never been in my entire life. It's all sort of exciting.

 

Its sad that I have clearly been codependent since my teens when I look back on why I wanted to be in relationships. Its a horrible feeling and I certainly wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

Thing is that your life situation is where most people are at - grandparents passing away, parents aging, unbalanced or even toxic family relationships and sorting out how to deal with that, etc. We all have to deal with that, it's just part of life and yours isn't different in that respect.

 

Most kids don't actually grow up with the soccer mom. When I was competing, there were maybe one or two soccer moms or really team moms - the quintessential mini van driving, giant purse and cooler lugging mom who had snacks and drinks and bandages for everyone and spare things and mending stuff on the fly kind of mom. My point though is that majority of us didn't have that super involved doting parent and we all still grew up without being codependent. I would say that my own mother is flat out cold. So what? It's who she is, you know?

 

You really have to learn somehow to value the life that you have instead of looking at others and wanting forever something else because that's the definition of hell. I think you are very much waking up to that and doing things to benefit you. Losing weight is fantastic and will serve you well forever. It's quite an achievement and something you can look at and say to yourself "I did because I can." That's how learning self reliance starts and it does feel good, doesn't it? That knowing that you can deep down. Doesn't mean that it's easy, but that makes the achievement all the more sweet.

 

The other factor is that as a guy, you don't have that clock ticking. You very much can spend a solid year or two working on yourself, getting your life in order emotionally and otherwise and once you do that, you'll find that right relationship and it will be healthy and lasting. There was actually a journal, if I remember correctly by a guy who had some challenges and was very much in similar shoes as yourself. He sought out counseling, he worked really really hard on himself and once he got himself together, he met the right woman as well. It's quite inspiring. Maybe someone can recall that journal and link it for you. My point is really that you are not alone in your journey.

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Thing is that your life situation is where most people are at - grandparents passing away, parents aging, unbalanced or even toxic family relationships and sorting out how to deal with that, etc. We all have to deal with that, it's just part of life and yours isn't different in that respect.

 

Most kids don't actually grow up with the soccer mom. When I was competing, there were maybe one or two soccer moms or really team moms - the quintessential mini van driving, giant purse and cooler lugging mom who had snacks and drinks and bandages for everyone and spare things and mending stuff on the fly kind of mom. My point though is that majority of us didn't have that super involved doting parent and we all still grew up without being codependent. I would say that my own mother is flat out cold. So what? It's who she is, you know?

 

You really have to learn somehow to value the life that you have instead of looking at others and wanting forever something else because that's the definition of hell. I think you are very much waking up to that and doing things to benefit you. Losing weight is fantastic and will serve you well forever. It's quite an achievement and something you can look at and say to yourself "I did because I can." That's how learning self reliance starts and it does feel good, doesn't it? That knowing that you can deep down. Doesn't mean that it's easy, but that makes the achievement all the more sweet.

 

The other factor is that as a guy, you don't have that clock ticking. You very much can spend a solid year or two working on yourself, getting your life in order emotionally and otherwise and once you do that, you'll find that right relationship and it will be healthy and lasting. There was actually a journal, if I remember correctly by a guy who had some challenges and was very much in similar shoes as yourself. He sought out counseling, he worked really really hard on himself and once he got himself together, he met the right woman as well. It's quite inspiring. Maybe someone can recall that journal and link it for you. My point is really that you are not alone in your journey.

 

 

Thanks for this. Some of it is hard to hear but I get you. I agree regarding being that age, but I suppose being brought up by grandparents it was inevitable it was going to happen sooner. I think I've been very much 'victimising myself' for being 'alone', but as I said to a good friend yesterday.....I'm blessed to have some good friends and I need to start looking on them as family.

 

I suppose when I said the clock is ticking, it is just that my 20s have flown by and I haven't lived. I do appreciate the clock ticking for women is a far more pressing issue. I would like to see a link if anyone can find it to that journal, thank you.

 

I think I've felt very alone for a long time. Again, I appreciate this forum greatly.

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I think I've felt very alone for a long time. Again, I appreciate this forum greatly.

 

The up side to being alone is that you learn that you're able to do it.

 

That's actually a far more advantageous position than those who compulsively monkey-branch from relationship to relationship, never understanding why those all blow up, as they grow more and more desperate to find and keep someone in their lives.

 

So you know that you 'can' live solo. Your next step is learning how to enjoy it and view it as a position with options.

 

This requires choosing the right lens through which you view yourself as valuable rather than damaged and worth-less. We are all imperfect, we all have flaws, and there isn't one human who is inherently more valid and valuable than anyone else.

 

We are each uniquely valuable because we exist. What we opt to DO with our value, and whether we opt to 'see' it and capitalize on it to invest in an expansion of our value--that's up to us. While it's fortunate that some have had parents who've taught and cultivated certain skills in doing that, skills are skills--they can be learned.

 

So the question becomes, what am I doing to appreciate my self worth? If I'm willing to trash it every time I encounter someone who does not own the capacity to see and appreciate my value WITH me, then who owns that decision?

 

Most people are NOT our match. Most people do NOT own the capacity to see and appreciate our value, and that speaks of their limits rather than of any deficiency in us. Those are natural odds. It's a level playing field for those of us who seek only ONE partner.

 

If finding love were simple, what would be so special about it? Hold out for simpatico with the RIGHT person. That person will see your value, but you'll need to see it first, yourself.

 

Head high, your intentions and focus are in the right place. Keep up the great work!

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The up side to being alone is that you learn that you're able to do it.

 

That's actually a far more advantageous position than those who compulsively monkey-branch from relationship to relationship, never understanding why those all blow up, as they grow more and more desperate to find and keep someone in their lives.

 

So you know that you 'can' live solo. Your next step is learning how to enjoy it and view it as a position with options.

 

This requires choosing the right lens through which you view yourself as valuable rather than damaged and worth-less. We are all imperfect, we all have flaws, and there isn't one human who is inherently more valid and valuable than anyone else.

 

We are each uniquely valuable because we exist. What we opt to DO with our value, and whether we opt to 'see' it and capitalize on it to invest in an expansion of our value--that's up to us. While it's fortunate that some have had parents who've taught and cultivated certain skills in doing that, skills are skills--they can be learned.

 

So the question becomes, what am I doing to appreciate my self worth? If I'm willing to trash it every time I encounter someone who does not own the capacity to see and appreciate my value WITH me, then who owns that decision?

 

Most people are NOT our match. Most people do NOT own the capacity to see and appreciate our value, and that speaks of their limits rather than of any deficiency in us. Those are natural odds. It's a level playing field for those of us who seek only ONE partner.

 

If finding love were simple, what would be so special about it? Hold out for simpatico with the RIGHT person. That person will see your value, but you'll need to see it first, yourself.

 

Head high, your intentions and focus are in the right place. Keep up the great work!

 

Very powerful words Catfeeder, thank you.

 

Today as it happens, has been a special day....and I think I mean that. I've really started to value myself, stopped thinking about being overweight and I asked myself what could qualities I had. Caring, kind, loving, thoughtful, funny (perhaps)..... but I stopped myself looking for what was negative, and it felt incredibly rewarding.

 

On my walk tonight, I had a long imaginary chat with my ex.....felt like I was putting to bed 3 years of codependent pain. I told her I knew she was never right for me, but the fear of being alone outweighed that. I told her we were never meant to be together and I was sorry for my codependent behaviour, plus pointing out were were both as bad as each other. Ultimately I thanked her for finishing it with me.

 

I'm not naive to believe that is the end of my troubles, but its a start I think. Maybe not all the weight has lifted off my shoulders, but a small part has at least.

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Very powerful words Catfeeder, thank you.

 

Today as it happens, has been a special day....and I think I mean that. I've really started to value myself, stopped thinking about being overweight and I asked myself what could qualities I had. Caring, kind, loving, thoughtful, funny (perhaps)..... but I stopped myself looking for what was negative, and it felt incredibly rewarding.

 

On my walk tonight, I had a long imaginary chat with my ex.....felt like I was putting to bed 3 years of codependent pain. I told her I knew she was never right for me, but the fear of being alone outweighed that. I told her we were never meant to be together and I was sorry for my codependent behaviour, plus pointing out were were both as bad as each other. Ultimately I thanked her for finishing it with me.

 

I'm not naive to believe that is the end of my troubles, but its a start I think. Maybe not all the weight has lifted off my shoulders, but a small part has at least.

 

Great job, DB! I've found it helpful while walking to have the same kinds of conversations. One of the most productive has been a dual role: my Adult Self as coach and mentor to my Child Self.

 

This might be useful to you, because you attribute some of your difficulties to a flawed parent. So what happens when we recognize that we have outgrown the influence of anyone who may have harmed us as a child or a teen or even as an adult?

 

It's one thing to assert that recognition, but it's another to actively engage in our own healing by mentoring the aspects of ourselves that are stuck in old wounds.

 

By allowing the 'wounded younger self' to voice a complaint or position, we can hear that voice and validate it, even while we teach ourselves through our earned self sufficiency how and why these painful events needn't continue to be viewed through a self destructive lens.

 

If you've ever walked through a pre-school or elementary school, you've noticed how the miniature furniture barely reaches your knees. While it's appropriately sized for small children, it would no longer serve the purposes of an adult--much less intimidate an adult. Same is true of our mental landscape when we can view it through an adult lens. What served us as self preservation in the past does not usually work to our advantage as adults. While it's easy to recognize this intellectually and gloss it over, it's quite another to work 'though' the emotional aspects of old wounds in order to heal those.

 

So keep up the great work! Keep walking, and use the time for self-therapy. This doesn't replace professionally guided therapy, but I can't think of a better time than changing the body to also change the mind.

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Great job, DB! I've found it helpful while walking to have the same kinds of conversations. One of the most productive has been a dual role: my Adult Self as coach and mentor to my Child Self.

 

This might be useful to you, because you attribute some of your difficulties to a flawed parent. So what happens when we recognize that we have outgrown the influence of anyone who may have harmed us as a child or a teen or even as an adult?

 

It's one thing to assert that recognition, but it's another to actively engage in our own healing by mentoring the aspects of ourselves that are stuck in old wounds.

 

By allowing the 'wounded younger self' to voice a complaint or position, we can hear that voice and validate it, even while we teach ourselves through our earned self sufficiency how and why these painful events needn't continue to be viewed through a self destructive lens.

 

If you've ever walked through a pre-school or elementary school, you've noticed how the miniature furniture barely reaches your knees. While it's appropriately sized for small children, it would no longer serve the purposes of an adult--much less intimidate an adult. Same is true of our mental landscape when we can view it through an adult lens. What served us as self preservation in the past does not usually work to our advantage as adults. While it's easy to recognize this intellectually and gloss it over, it's quite another to work 'though' the emotional aspects of old wounds in order to heal those.

 

So keep up the great work! Keep walking, and use the time for self-therapy. This doesn't replace professionally guided therapy, but I can't think of a better time than changing the body to also change the mind.

 

Thank you for this.

 

This possibly sounds a silly question, regarding the child and adult conversation, are you talking as you still...the child you to the adult you? Or as child you to an imaginary parent? I'm presuming the former.

 

Seeing my counsellor on zoom at 7 tonight. Plenty to talk about tonight.

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Thank you for this.

 

This possibly sounds a silly question, regarding the child and adult conversation, are you talking as you still...the child you to the adult you? Or as child you to an imaginary parent? I'm presuming the former.

 

Seeing my counsellor on zoom at 7 tonight. Plenty to talk about tonight.

 

I reach for my biggest child or teen or young adult complaints from my past, and I voice those to myself as an adult. Then I approach a response as my adult self to soothe the younger self and explain what I know today that I didn't know then.

 

Lots of times I'm able to respond to my younger complaints with a whole new vision of why someone hurtful may have behaved as they did. I encourage the younger 'wounded' self to draw on compassion for that person given the new hindsight. In teaching my younger self to let go of the locked vision and adopt new, more enlightened vision, I move a small brick in my wall.

 

This helps me to let go of 'stuff' that has solidified and hindered me in certain ways. I don't need to figure out how, all I need to do is recognize what I'm holding onto that may be preventing me from moving forward. If I can address that stuff, it may be a hit-or-miss as to how liberating letting go of any given incident may become, but I'm doing the work, and any gains build confidence in my ability to self soothe and expand my vision for the future. All because I'm releasing the stuff from my past that may be locking me into stagnation.

 

One key is to teach my younger self to forgive myself for any mistakes I made along the way if I did not handle a given incident advantageously. This is big, because self forgiveness teaches me to forgive the faults of others as I navigate forward. This is important, because it reduces self injury from gnawing unnecessary bones. Things impact me less, because I learn how to stop triggering the old wounds every time I encounter something that I could opt instead to handle well today.

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Lots of times I'm able to respond to my younger complaints with a whole new vision of why someone hurtful may have behaved as they did.

 

To piggy back on this (somewhat):

 

As I've gotten older, my perspective on adults has changed.

 

When I was a child, I perceived them as complete human beings. I looked up to them, literally and figuratively. In my simple child's brain, they were what I wanted to become: full grown and in charge.

 

It didn't occur to me that they weren't all-powerful and all-knowing. So, when one of my parents did something that hurt me, it seemed intentional. It made it seem like I was a bad person, or they were a bad person.

 

It wasn't until I was an adult, paying the consequences of my own choices, that I realized that no one, not even my parents, has all of the answers. We're all doing this for the first time.

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  • 2 weeks later...
I reach for my biggest child or teen or young adult complaints from my past, and I voice those to myself as an adult. Then I approach a response as my adult self to soothe the younger self and explain what I know today that I didn't know then.

 

Interesting. I find my complaints then to be essentially the same as my complaints now. And my adult self tends to be about reassuring the child me that you did as well as could be considered given the circumstances. If anything, I feel the child is reminding the adult about what he's known all along. Of course, I've always been told I was too mature for my age. Or maybe I'm just weird. :D

 

Dalesboy, I've read up on your story and I hope you're doing well. Whatever strategy helps get you through, go for it. You seem like a good person and are deserving of much happiness.

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Dalesboy, I've read up on your story and I hope you're doing well. Whatever strategy helps get you through, go for it. You seem like a good person and are deserving of much happiness.

 

Thank you ShySoul

I've had a rough morning (more in my journal) and I'm fighting to regain my sense of self and that I've done the right thing at the moment. Codependents struggle to know how to feel/if I was right or wrong. In my current position I'm trying to tell myself I've nothing to regret.

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Interesting. I find my complaints then to be essentially the same as my complaints now. And my adult self tends to be about reassuring the child me that you did as well as could be considered given the circumstances. If anything, I feel the child is reminding the adult about what he's known all along. Of course, I've always been told I was too mature for my age. Or maybe I'm just weird. :D

 

Hah! I understand, and sure, we each get to pick whether our adult insights and skills will be used to our advantage and lift our most childish selves UP, or whether the child in us will sabotage us and take us down.

 

As adults, presumably, the goal is to outgrow the childhood reactions that no longer serve us.

 

So a respectful address of the most childish stuff we've held onto isn't designed to invalidate those reactions, it's to teach ourselves how to view those reactions through a more mature lens.

 

We've each worked hard to develop that lens, so why not use it to our advantage rather than allow our most unhealed places to operate to our detriment?

 

When given the choice to feel better or more lousy, I vote for better. I've never had a problem drilling myself down into a deeper hole to climb out of. It wasn't until I made the deliberate choice to stop using my intelligence against myself that I started learning how to 'make it better'.

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Thank you ShySoul

I've had a rough morning (more in my journal) and I'm fighting to regain my sense of self and that I've done the right thing at the moment. Codependents struggle to know how to feel/if I was right or wrong. In my current position I'm trying to tell myself I've nothing to regret.

 

Sorry about your bad morning, DB. Sometimes giving ourselves a break from a judge and jury position can teach us that all of the best answers will come to us later, when we're better positioned to recognize them and gain some value from them.

 

Whenever you're locked in a loop of discomfort, try giving yourself permission to rest without answers.

 

Trust that those answers will come when you're ready to receive them IF you'll give yourself the distance and the change in focus necessary for 'background processing' to do its job.

 

Some of the best insight we can gain comes from letting go of the problem.

 

Head high, and decide whether you want to have a good day today, or a great day. Then lean into your choice.

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