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Thread: Dating with Codependency

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Lots of times I'm able to respond to my younger complaints with a whole new vision of why someone hurtful may have behaved as they did.
    To piggy back on this (somewhat):

    As I've gotten older, my perspective on adults has changed.

    When I was a child, I perceived them as complete human beings. I looked up to them, literally and figuratively. In my simple child's brain, they were what I wanted to become: full grown and in charge.

    It didn't occur to me that they weren't all-powerful and all-knowing. So, when one of my parents did something that hurt me, it seemed intentional. It made it seem like I was a bad person, or they were a bad person.

    It wasn't until I was an adult, paying the consequences of my own choices, that I realized that no one, not even my parents, has all of the answers. We're all doing this for the first time.

  2. #22
    Silver Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    I reach for my biggest child or teen or young adult complaints from my past, and I voice those to myself as an adult. Then I approach a response as my adult self to soothe the younger self and explain what I know today that I didn't know then.
    Interesting. I find my complaints then to be essentially the same as my complaints now. And my adult self tends to be about reassuring the child me that you did as well as could be considered given the circumstances. If anything, I feel the child is reminding the adult about what he's known all along. Of course, I've always been told I was too mature for my age. Or maybe I'm just weird.

    Dalesboy, I've read up on your story and I hope you're doing well. Whatever strategy helps get you through, go for it. You seem like a good person and are deserving of much happiness.

  3. #23
    Silver Member Dalesboy's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ShySoul
    Dalesboy, I've read up on your story and I hope you're doing well. Whatever strategy helps get you through, go for it. You seem like a good person and are deserving of much happiness.
    Thank you ShySoul
    I've had a rough morning (more in my journal) and I'm fighting to regain my sense of self and that I've done the right thing at the moment. Codependents struggle to know how to feel/if I was right or wrong. In my current position I'm trying to tell myself I've nothing to regret.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ShySoul
    Interesting. I find my complaints then to be essentially the same as my complaints now. And my adult self tends to be about reassuring the child me that you did as well as could be considered given the circumstances. If anything, I feel the child is reminding the adult about what he's known all along. Of course, I've always been told I was too mature for my age. Or maybe I'm just weird.
    Hah! I understand, and sure, we each get to pick whether our adult insights and skills will be used to our advantage and lift our most childish selves UP, or whether the child in us will sabotage us and take us down.

    As adults, presumably, the goal is to outgrow the childhood reactions that no longer serve us.

    So a respectful address of the most childish stuff we've held onto isn't designed to invalidate those reactions, it's to teach ourselves how to view those reactions through a more mature lens.

    We've each worked hard to develop that lens, so why not use it to our advantage rather than allow our most unhealed places to operate to our detriment?

    When given the choice to feel better or more lousy, I vote for better. I've never had a problem drilling myself down into a deeper hole to climb out of. It wasn't until I made the deliberate choice to stop using my intelligence against myself that I started learning how to 'make it better'.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Dalesboy
    Thank you ShySoul
    I've had a rough morning (more in my journal) and I'm fighting to regain my sense of self and that I've done the right thing at the moment. Codependents struggle to know how to feel/if I was right or wrong. In my current position I'm trying to tell myself I've nothing to regret.
    Sorry about your bad morning, DB. Sometimes giving ourselves a break from a judge and jury position can teach us that all of the best answers will come to us later, when we're better positioned to recognize them and gain some value from them.

    Whenever you're locked in a loop of discomfort, try giving yourself permission to rest without answers.

    Trust that those answers will come when you're ready to receive them IF you'll give yourself the distance and the change in focus necessary for 'background processing' to do its job.

    Some of the best insight we can gain comes from letting go of the problem.

    Head high, and decide whether you want to have a good day today, or a great day. Then lean into your choice.

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