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Thread: Breakup out of the blue, was it limerence/infatuation?

  1. #1
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    Breakup out of the blue, was it limerence/infatuation?

    Hi everyone here!
    I am new on that forum, and have a hard time understing what happend in my short term (2 month) relationship. Let me explain it quickly:

    I met a girl (28) and things started really quickly. After a week, i saw her parents, after 2 weeks she said she wanted to have children with me and that she loved me. She also asked me if " i wanted to keep her for life".
    Sometimes, she said some strange stuff like " you will dump me in a few month like everyone else" or that "i will be afraid when i will see her dark side".
    Anyway, we continued for 2 months, i had the best "sex" in my life. But suddenly, 4 days after -again- she talked about children ("if we have children they will have blue eyes, blabla..) she acted differently. She told me she had problem at work, that her life was not so good. By actually speaking to her, she eventually told me that she wanted to end the relationship.
    At the breakup, i didn't say a thing, because it was really out of nowhere for me. I was shocked. She just said " i did nothing wrong" and "its not you it's me". Now, after 2 weeks, i processed it but thought about it a lot, and have a lot of questions. I tried to contact her to talk about that, but she didn't answer.

    I am left alone trying to understand how it is possible to go from 100% to 0% in a matter of days. I read a little bit about limerence and infatuation. Could that be the answer?

    I thank you all, as I am pretty lost and ask myself what did i do wrong, or why is it possible!

    Kind Regards,

    james

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Wow. So many red flags from quick involvement to declaring love and babies right out of the gate as well as telling you "everyone dumps her"

    You dodged a bullet. Be glad you found out after only 8 weeks. She seems quite unstable and unable to sustain relationships. Go no contact and block and delete her from all social media and messaging apps. Someone like this may resurface.
    Originally Posted by James Pohn
    -my short term (2 month) relationship.
    -I met a girl (28) and things started really quickly.
    -after 2 weeks she said she wanted to have children with me and that she loved me.
    -she said some strange stuff like " you will dump me in a few month like everyone else"
    -She told me she had problem at work, that her life was not so good.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Could be many reasons.
    -depression
    -met someone else
    -passion burned out
    -was dating you and someone else and made a choice
    -ex bf contacted her
    -self loathing
    -she cheated

    IMO when they say it's not you it's me....they are hiding the truth, either to protect you, or herself.

    I get it, you want closure, but this is all you are gonna get. Of course you will have a lot of unanswered question, but sometimes not knowing is less painful than knowing.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this. Can I ask how old you are, for context?

    While there's no hard science to this, I think it's a pretty safe bet that someone who expresses love and desire to have children with a complete stranger—which, after a week or three, is really all you are—is someone who is not in a very stable place emotionally, not very mature. That fact, of course, is hard to reconcile with the fact that it feels very, very good to have a complete stranger so utterly obsessed with us, so quickly, even when said stranger more or less announces ("You're gonna dump me like everyone else") that what's fueling their fire is weapons-grade insecurity more than anything you're bringing to the table.

    Good news here? This was just 60 days of your life. Potent as the emotional whiplash is right now—I've been in your shoes!—it's something that will pass pretty quickly. And as you move through it? Perhaps you come to see that you needed this drug-like connection—fierce, fast, but quickly proving itself unstable and even superficial—to refine your compass a bit, to realize that you want something a little more enriching than just purely intoxicating.

    Might mean you don't get the high of insta-obsession—but, hey, you've learned the potential hangover isn't really worth it. And in letting that go you open yourself up to something even wilder: the high of really getting to know someone, and getting known by someone, which takes real time, real patience, and two people self-possessed enough to not want to lose themselves in others.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    ....things started really quickly. After a week, i saw her parents, after 2 weeks she said she wanted to have children with me and that she loved me. She also asked me if " i wanted to keep her for life".

    ^Nothing about this strikes you as completely insane? Red flags bigger than China? Neon flashing signs to sprint to the nearest exit?

    I really hope you were using condoms with this cray cray woman and if not, get tested for all STD's and pray you didn't get her pregnant.

    Also, figure out why you were so thirsty that you actually fell for lunacy instead of seeing it for what it is and walking away immediately.

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    Thank you all for your quick reply:
    @bluecastle: i am 28 years old
    @dancingFool: yes, honestly i loved her charisma and really believed in all that. Guess it is a lesson for the future. I should have seen that, or at least expressed my doubts to her.

    She also said that she had no trust in Men, as everyone cheated on her..but at the same time, wanted to have sex the first night. Guess it' s another red flag right? ^^

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Sounds like you got hit by a bus. I'm sorry to hear this. Don't overthink it. Just let the dust settle. Maybe you were easy for her (or in the dating scene). Why did you put "sex" in quotations? If you had unprotected sex have yourself tested. Stay safe out there.

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    Hi Rose Mosse, thank you! Well she really didn't hide the fact she was utterly physically attracted to me. After thinking about all that, the first weeks were mostly "Physical" and we didn't exchange that much!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by James Pohn
    Guess it' s another red flag right? ^^
    Short answer: YES.

    Longer answer: Well, it's basically the same thing. Sometimes the hardest thing to do, in these matters, is to brutally call it all for what it is, what it was. You are describing someone who is very unhinged. I am assuming that she was also quite hot.

    All bears like honey, but the smarter ones? They spot the honey traps, knowing there is a nearby hunter poised with a shot gun, and they look for nourishment elsewhere. Fortunately, for you, this is not a fatal gunshot wound. You had some fun—savor it. The aftertaste is not fun—it'll pass. Reflect a bit, per DancingFool's post, as to why this had such power of you, as to whether there is anything in your life you need to address so you're not so vulnerable to honey.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by James Pohn
    Thank you all for your quick reply:
    @bluecastle: i am 28 years old
    @dancingFool: yes, honestly i loved her charisma and really believed in all that. Guess it is a lesson for the future. I should have seen that, or at least expressed my doubts to her.

    She also said that she had no trust in Men, as everyone cheated on her..but at the same time, wanted to have sex the first night. Guess it' s another red flag right? ^^
    Yup, just another red flag. You've got a forest of them really.

    Also, when it comes to doubts, no you don't express doubts to a person you barely know. What you do is listen to your gut - those doubts is your gut, your sense of self preservation ringing alarm bells and early on, listen and walk away fast. Don't try to rationalize them. The other aspect of this is don't ask a crazy person to relieve your doubts and soothe your alarm bells away. When you are dating, especially those early dates is a time to take it easy, to judge, to see if this is someone you want to see another time. Take it one date at a time only. It is a time to be looking out for cray cray.

    As Blue said, this kind of intense behavior by a stranger, they want you that badly, can feel really intoxicating, but.....you've got to temper it with the harsh reality - how can they want you when they don't even know you. It's not you they want, it's the high of the chase, the illusion of whoever they imagine you to be. It really shouldn't be intoxicating, it should be scary af....and if it isn't, you are too thirsty and need to work on that.

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