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Thread: I don't know what is normal anymore

  1. #1
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    I don't know what is normal anymore

    I was sexually abused by my older brother when I was a child. From what I recall, the bulk of the abuse took place when I was 6 to around 11. However I do remember he tried to do it again when I was 12, and at that stage, I knew it was wrong, and managed to get away. He is five years older than me. I think my mother knew what was happening. I once kicked in the glass front door in a temper when they left us alone and she asked me "do you be alright with him here by yourself".

    The abuse has shaped my life in many ways. For years, I identified as lesbian. It's only over the last few years I realised that I was afraid of being intimate with men and felt safer with women. I struggled with an eating disorder in my teens, and have battled alcoholism from my early twenties, and this is a demon I still fight unfortunately.

    For me, the biggest complication has been my parents' response to the abuse. I kept it from them for years, and I always figured if I did tell them, that they would be sympathetic to my position. I never considered the possibility that they wouldn't support me. I told them about the abuse two years ago (when I was 35) and their reaction has been to brush it under the carpet and pretend nothing happened. In a way, it's been worse than the abuse itself. They say he is their son and that they can't turn their backs on him. They make excuses saying he was a child ( even though the age of criminal responsibility is 10 and he was 17 when he last tried to molest me). He has also made inappropriate advances towards two female neighbours and several of my ex girlfriends. He travels to Thailand twice a year for sex tourism. My mother's response to this is "well it's not his fault, he can't get a woman here because they are all b*tches". They've gone out of their way to make me the bad guy in all of this. They've called me a trouble maker, an alcoholic and an elder abuser. It's like they would do anything except face up to what their adopted son is.

    Now, my partner and I have a beautiful baby girl, and since my parents allow my brother to still casually drop into their home on a regular basis, I don't entrust her into their care, something which they now do not talk to me over.

    Am I wrong to deny them their relationship with her? My only concern is for my child, and I do not want history to repeat itself. My partner and I are already drafting a will that excludes them as next of kin, because I am so afraid of what he could do to her.

    They make me feel like I am the bad guy but I really think they should have taken my side. Am I too black and white? Is it an impossible situation for them like they say?

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Protect your child at any cost. Period.

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    Yes absolutely you are doing the right thing not leaving your daughter with your parents and around your brother. It's very clear that your brother is a sexual predator. There is no way that he had no idea what he was doing to you. If he had sexual feelings then he knew what it meant and that it was towards his own little sister. It's horrible your family don't support you. In my opinion for their lack of validating and supporting you, they don't deserve a relationship with their granddaughter. Have you received therapy to talk about all this? Do you want to press charges against your brother or is it too late?

  4. #4
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Protect your child at any cost. Period.
    I agree with the above. Your child comes first.

    have battled alcoholism from my early twenties, and this is a demon I still fight unfortunately. ..... my partner and I have a beautiful baby girl,
    That is a concern, especially now that there is a child in your life. Have you been to AA for help? Have you received any other form of counselling/therapy for all of the past issues and trauma? If not, then you need to look into this a.s.a.p. for your own mental well being and the future of your child.

    Also, sorry to say, but your brother needs to be locked up and the key thrown away. Who knows how many girls and young women he has damaged for life. It's shocking that your parents know and do nothing which makes them equally guilty (imo).

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Hopefully you have distanced yourself from your family. A therapist could help you unpack and sort some of this out.
    Originally Posted by Antares37
    I was sexually abused by my older brother when I was a child.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Antares37
    Am I wrong to deny them their relationship with her?
    I don't think it is. You've got a lot on your plate. Sort out the alcohol dependency and being sober first. Take care of your child. How's your relationship with your partner? Do you live together? Is this issue of your family coming up because you need childcare while your partner and you are not available or working?

    I'm asking because you don't sound like you're living with your family nor do you have regular contact. What triggered this avalanche of guilt? Is your partner questioning you?

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    My partner is amazing, I'm very lucky to have him and he's an amazing dad. Yes, we live together. I'm still on maternity leave so childcare not a problem for now. Unfortunately, my parents live just next door to us, so if they have their son over for casual visits (which they do) then he is in very close proximity. I just don't understand why they are sticking by him. My partner has tried talking to them but he just hits a brick wall, like me. They simply repeat "he's our son" over and over. As if that excuses everything. And when I hear my dad on the phone to him, calling him "bud" etc. it honestly just turns my stomach. How can they be ok with him, knowing what he did to me? They claim they don't want to take sides, but IMO where one party has hurt another, you can't just hide behind a position of neutrality...

  9. #8
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    Your parents are complicit in horrible abuse. I would cut them off and never let your child see them. I am so sorry you were harmed in this way and continue to be harmed. I myself was molested by my father’s brother and my grandparents still continued contact with him. My father never spoke to his brother again even until my father‘s death a few weeks ago. For me it was 40 years ago.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Antares37
    My partner is amazing, I'm very lucky to have him and he's an amazing dad. Yes, we live together. I'm still on maternity leave so childcare not a problem for now. Unfortunately, my parents live just next door to us, so if they have their son over for casual visits (which they do) then he is in very close proximity. I just don't understand why they are sticking by him. My partner has tried talking to them but he just hits a brick wall, like me. They simply repeat "he's our son" over and over. As if that excuses everything. And when I hear my dad on the phone to him, calling him "bud" etc. it honestly just turns my stomach. How can they be ok with him, knowing what he did to me? They claim they don't want to take sides, but IMO where one party has hurt another, you can't just hide behind a position of neutrality...
    I know this is personal and you don't have to get into this but I would stay very, very far away from your family and your brother. I can see why you're concerned if you're living next door. Is your partner not concerned about living so close to them, now with a child or daughter of his own? What does your partner think about all this?

    I also think you should unpack all that pain and misery and horrible abuse with a therapist or someone trained to help guide and counsel through child abuse. This is horrifying what has happened to you. You and your family shouldn't be living anywhere close to these people. Don't lose track of the main issue - protecting your family and your daughter. You're wasting time and energy staying there so close to all of them and letting these thoughts consume you.

  11. #10
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    I'm sorry to hear that. Sometimes I wonder how many children managed to avoid being abused :(

    I don't know why, but cutting them off is so hard. Despite everything, I always had a good relationship with my dad (until this all came out) but it's really my mother pulling all the strings here. When my dad first found out he said he would throw my brother out, then the next day he'd had a "change of heart" and said he couldn't put him out. It was clearly my mother who had got to him. She has a misguided over protective obsession with him. Maybe because he's adopted and she is trying to compensate. But she thinks the whole world is against him. He could kill and eat a small child in front of her and she'd find an excuse.

    It feels like a really bad breakup! :(

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