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Thread: What should I do? In need of advices

  1. #1

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    What should I do? In need of advices



    Over a year ago I became friend with a widower and his kids. He has 4 kids whose ages range from 4-13 and I love spending time with them playing ...The dad lost his wife from cancer over 2 years ago. As he kept inviting me I developed feelings for him ( I am also very attached to his kids). I decided to let him know about my feelings and told him face to face and went straight to the point !! ( he got scared and said he could not see himself in a relationship that he was off), I understood but then he called me back and told me that even if he was not ready for a relationship now in the future he would be open to it...Then he always ask if he can help me and says he is thinking of me etc...
    This is the situation I am in right now...He keeps on inviting me at his home but I feel weird around him (not with his kids, Iam always at ease with them). I am not sure what to do and think! I deeply care about him ( his kids too)...My question is what should I do ? Should i remain close to him and his kids? or should I remove myself from this situation ( it would be breaking my heart). I get ask on dates with many men but he is the one on my mind.
    Thank you in advance for your advises as I am stuck!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You two have different goals so yes, end the friendship.

    1. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is worth waiting around for. If a person isn't ready in the present, move on.

    2. Staying friends is preventing you from bonding with any potential bf. And if you did manage to date, the guy won't stick around when he finds out you are friends with someone you wanted more from.

    In the future, be cautious about letting kids get attached to you when there's a chance you won't be in their lives for a lifetime. Kids don't need people entering their lives, getting attached, and then that person quickly exits.

  3. #3
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    Well to be honest I'm not so sure that this man is just "not ready for a relationship". Don't get me wrong, if his wife died two years ago, of course that would have been very painful for him. He did need time to grieve and move on. However it has been two years now and he's probably mo re moved on now than you might think. I imagine he's just lonely after being single the last couple of years and he's been enjoying having female attention and companionship from you. Maybe he does like your friendship because he gets along well with you. I think saying he may be open to a relationship in the future may just be out of politeness or because he wants to keep you as an option. But you're not his number one choice, if that makes sense. What are you looking for in a relationship? You seem to really like children. Do you want kids of your own? If you want to have kids then you're not going to have them with him. He already has four. I don't think you should be waiting around for him. His response to your feeling was barely lukewarm so this "relationship" may never actually happen.

  4. #4

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    @tinydance well he told me on the phone that his kids like me...and that "he likes me too, he truly likes me". I do not understand why he keeps on inviting me over. There is a lot of mixed signals...
    His behavior is confusing and sometimes two years can be not long enough, as for some people it takes 10 years or more to move on. I also have a lot of people asking me on dates so maybe I should focus more on them... Thank you for your responses!

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by lola1983
    @tinydance well he told me on the phone that his kids like me...and that "he likes me too, he truly likes me". I do not understand why he keeps on inviting me over. There is a lot of mixed signals...
    His behavior is confusing and sometimes two years can be not long enough, as for some people it takes 10 years or more to move on. I also have a lot of people asking me on dates so maybe I should focus more on them... Thank you for your responses!
    Well in my opinion because the guy you actually like doesn't even want to go on a date, then yes you should go on dates with the other guys. I mean you don't 100% know why your friend doesn't want to date you but he doesn't. If you keep waiting for him you'll miss out on all the other men. I think maybe he keeps inviting you over because he likes you as a friend but he also likes the attention he gets from you. If he likes you as more than that then why can't he give you guys a chance?

  7. #6
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lola1983
    I also have a lot of people asking me on dates so maybe I should focus more on them...
    I agree. That's exactly what you should do. This guy is nowhere near ready for anything serious, imo.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by lola1983
    @tinydance well he told me on the phone that his kids like me...and that "he likes me too, he truly likes me". I do not understand why he keeps on inviting me over. There is a lot of mixed signals...
    Because he gets to enjoy the benefits of a relationship without the commitment and expectations that would naturally come with one.

    You would be best to end this friendship. Grief is individual and there is no real timeline for healing, speaking from experience. All you can do is believe him when he says he can't offer you a relationship. That much you know for sure. But continuing this quasi-FWB situation is not healthy for you, and really, not fair to the kids who are becoming attached to you now too.

    Tell him you can't continue to see him if he isn't ready to actually date. Yes, it will hurt you, but it will hurt a lot more to continue this.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. If he says he's not ready, he's not ready. Distance yourself and stop hanging out this much. Consider him a friend, if you can but otherwise, date other men for a relationship.
    Originally Posted by lola1983
    said he could not see himself in a relationship that he was off. Should i remain close to him and his kids?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Maybe give yourself time to cool off and a few days to think. You're expecting yourself to come up with immediate answers for emotions that can't be easily whisked away overnight. I agree with Andrina's two points. I'd read and re-read them because they emphasize you as the focus, not your friend.

    If you're hot for dating right now then minimize your contact with him. It's a bad sign that you're referencing other potential dates and getting hit on by other men. I can feel your frustration there and wanting to be in a romantic relationship. It means you're not happy in this situation nor do you really understand or accept your friend's inability not to be in a romance right now. I think it's best that you move on. This situation isn't suited for you and both of you are on different wavelengths.

  11. #10
    Member WalterSobcha's Avatar
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    I think you should be very honest with him, and tell him what you just told us. Tell him that you have feelings for him, but that you are not willing to put your life on hold forever. Ask him to make a choice and to stop postponing his decision about whether or not he will date you.

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