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Thread: What should I do? In need of advices

  1. #11
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You gave it a shot, and it didn't pan out. Of course there will be an adjustment period but, with you carrying on visiting the kids, and going back to dating regularly, all this will go away.

  2. #12

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    Thank you for all of the replies, you are right...I am going on a date today :).
    I think I will drop all of my expectations and stop try to read between the lines, and see them a little bit less. I still want to be there for the kids though if possible as they already lost their mother, they are wonderful, and touching. I think I could understand the dad if there was a better communication and i do not want to force it either as I know he is still in pain from the death of his wife (he is still wearing his wedding ring)

  3. #13
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Don't be surprised after you start dating other men that he all of a sudden wants a relationship with you.

    Live your life and focus your energy on men that want a real relationship with you, not just someone to keep them from being lonely.

    Lost

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not sure how fair you're being to anyone by keeping in touch with the kids. You're not their mother but seem to be taking on that role. Are you feeling maternal or as if your clock is ticking? Move on completely if you want to date other men. It will appear very awkward for you to keep visiting this person and his kids while you're creating a new life for yourself.

    A lot of your thoughts seem to be centered on guilt and pity for his situation. If you want to move on, do it with your whole heart, not with bits and pieces of yourself stuck in another situation.

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  6. #15

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    @ Rose Mose I will distance myself step by step. I know I am not their mom and never thought i was, but I think it is also unfair for them if i abruptly disappear, but I am open to any suggestion,if it is best for them I will do it for sure. I saw them like they were my nephews...I also wanted to be there for the dad and help him too as I felt for him. It is hard for a man to raise four kids of different age and grieving his wife at the same time and try to earn money. I just cannot imagine, i still think he is a beautiful person no matter what.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    In my view, that line is crossed. You're not just a friend anymore but someone with strong romantic feelings. It's difficult while you're going through it but I don't recommend keeping in touch with him. You can point him in the direction of help or support if he needs it but again, I think you're shouldering a lot of guilt and pity. It is very sad what's happened with his wife but I don't think it's healthy for you to keep holding yourself back or sabotaging your chances on meeting someone seriously to date or spend your life with.

    As Andrina pointed out earlier, I don't think any future partner would be too thrilled to know that you're keeping in touch with an old flame or someone you used to have feelings for.

    Maybe some space and distance and time will help. I think you need to treat this as a break up and cool off the sting and rawness of those feelings you have for him. How else would you be able to open your heart to someone else without constantly thinking of this other person?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    He's not the treasure you think he is. Otherwise, he wouldn't be stringing you along so cruelly. You're too close to the situation to see it. A caring person would realize it'd be best for each of you to go your separate ways when you want something he can't give.

    He's getting something from the arrangement, whether it be free child care, or you're occupying his kids time so he can be free for other things, and if you're giving him the gift of your body (you didn't say) without ties.

    One day he will likely be ready to date, and it's more likely it will be with someone else--not you. And what if it's another two years before that happens? Then it'll be the case that his new woman will inch you out of their lives and it'll be harder for the kids because your presence in their lives stretched from 1 year to 3.

    Do what's best for yourself and the kids. Make a clean break now. It's on him if he didn't realize he should be asking relatives for help, or making it work without a "friend" who clearly has a crush on him helping out.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    You were brave to be honest, so extend that to being honest with your Self. You deserve to find true simpatico with someone who is equally invested in you. This guy is not him.

    Head high, and enjoy your dates.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    I think he keeps inviting you on outings to help with his children. Coping with the loss of his wife & 4 children must be very hard, so having you along to keep the kids occupied is a huge help to him.
    Dont let him use you like this. You arent a free babysitter!

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