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Thread: Is this going to work out?

  1. #1
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    Is this going to work out?

    Hi wise people - I am hoping you can give me some advice here. Like many others, there is a story, so strap in.

    What happened before

    I am 38 years old and started dating my girlfriend (31 years old) in August 2018, four months after I ended a four year emotionally abusive relationship. She is an amazing girl and while I knew it at the time, I wasn't ready for what she wanted. Over the next seven months, I broke up with her and got back together three times. I always saw potential with her and with us that I didn't want to let go of, which is why I kept coming back but I just felt emotionally blunt every time I went back and I couldn't give her what she wanted, needed and deserved. Ultimately, I hadn't yet completely processed my previous relationship enough to be ready for her. After that last break up I thought to myself that I just needed a bit more time and then I would be ready for her emotionally. I saw her 2 months later (May, 2019) at a friend's birthday and felt ready to open up to her and tell her I wanted to be 'all in' with her but she told me that she had just started dating someone a few weeks before. This of course made me want her even more - I had realised that I was on the verge of losing the most amazing woman I had ever met and was ready to fight for her. She was not over me either but she saw potential in the new guy too and didn't know what to do, especially as I had continuously let her down for the previous 9 months. There has always been incredible chemistry between us and over the next few months we shared a few kisses while she was still dating the other guy. I am not proud of my role in this and she is not the type of girl who would typically do anything like this to someone else either, but the chemistry was just too hard to ignore - we have always been drawn to each other. During this time, she also sent me intense letters and texts which told of her strong feelings for me and her confusion about how things had played out but she continued to date the other guy. While she was constantly on my mind and I had never wanted anything more, for the most part there was no contact between us between September 2019 and January 1, 2020 when she sent me a Happy New Year text message. Her boyfriend had turned out to be abusive and horrible and upon arriving back from a holiday with him in February 2020, she broke up with him. She said she couldn't stop thinking about me and on February 13 2020, she came to me and said she wanted to give us another shot. All the pain and sleepless nights of the previous nine months seemed to be worth it.

    Everything was incredible for two months and then out of the blue, she said that she wasn't sure about us. But she wasn't certain if the problem was because of where she was at in her life or if it was a problem between her and I. She broke up with me to try sort it out. Then two weeks later she dropped off a present for my birthday and didn't leave my apartment for four days. It was a truly incredible time and I was the happiest I have ever been. I told her though that I wouldn't take her back unless she was 'all in'. Still unsure, she left my apartment and things were again uncertain. A week later she organised a courier to drop off a massive box with all of my favourite things inside, with a note that expressed everything I had been wanting to hear from her - the most beautiful note about how much she loves me, with the heading "I'M ALL IN." Again, I was on top of the world and things were amazing for two months. I then asked her if she would meet my parents. This turned into a very unexpected, heated conversation which led to her saying that she wasn't ready to meet them and that "she loves me but she is not in love with me". That old chestnut. I was completely blindsided. She said that she thought her feelings should be stronger for me at this stage in her life - she is 31 and very concerned about her body clock. A bit hysterical about it actually. While she said that she didn't know "if we could come back from this conversation" I said to her that given what we had been through and that it had only been a few weeks since we got back together, she needed to give herself more time to explore this. And she agreed. At this point I decided to back off completely and not put any pressure on her. I did not want to be demanding because I thought that perhaps I had been too intense and that with time, she would eventually realise the incredible relationship we have and I wanted her to realise this organically. She was right though - in a self fulfilling prophecy way - we couldn't come back from that earlier conversation and two and half months later (August 31, 2020), she woke up on a Sunday and said again that she thinks her feelings should be stronger than what they are (more below) and she ended it again. I do not believe I was needy at all during these months.

    I feel that because of her body clock, she has put huge amounts of pressure on herself to "feel what she is supposed to feel" that she pressured herself out of the relationship and never let herself organically grow into the relationship. She went from the bells and whistles of saying she was "ALL IN" to not being sure in a matter of weeks. It's just very confusing to me. Meanwhile, I have never been more certain about anything in my life.

    What was said during the breakup

    She said to me that I was her best friend, that I tick all of the boxes and that I was the best boyfriend that she had ever had. But she said that it often felt platonic and at times she felt there was no chemistry. No chemistry!? This was truly alarming to hear because of the chemistry that we had always had and because I have always thought that we have had the best sex I have ever had with anyone (the sex never stopped up until the end). And we get along like a house on fire! We don't fight, provide support for each other and are incredibly compatible. To me everything makes sense and just falls into place. They say "when you know, you know" and after decades of dating the wrong women, I KNOW! We're on the same page about everything (except being together..), have similar interests and we have the same values. I just don't get it. I had noticed that she was not very affectionate in that last two and a half months nor was she vulnerable or open with her feelings but she has always had trouble opening up and I thought that she was just not as affectionate as me and that everything would come in time so I accepted it (and also didn't want to bring it up to rock the boat after our last chat....). On the day that we broke up, she couldn't keep her hands off me. She was crying hysterically, something that is also very out of character for her. And the eyes she looked at me with for that entire day - it was long break up - were definitely not platonic eyes. They were eyes that were full of pain and doubt. She said that she would like to keep in touch but I said very firmly that I didn't want contact if we weren't together and that I needed to move on.

    What has happened since.

    There has been no contact since this happened on 31 August.

    I am hopelessly in love with her and want to spend the rest of my life with her but I know what I am worth and I am not going to beg her to come back. I know of course that that begging wouldn't work anyway. I just feel that with time away from me without any contact, she will realise what she has lost.

    Given our history I just don't feel like this is over. It almost feels like this is the last leg in our journey. Am I delusional? I just don't understand what has happened and how she could have lost attraction for me. I wasn't needy, she agrees that I am the best boyfriend she has ever had and that I am her best friend. What is she looking for?

    Sorry for the long message but I hope you wise people can give me some guidance. Do you think it is over?
    Last edited by DLK; 09-24-2020 at 07:36 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Two similar attachment styles are bound to attract each other. You shared how you were the one who didn't want to be close and now that she backs up, your desire for closeness goes up. My guess is if she moved towards you and closed in the space, it would likely trigger your need to for space.

    And the dance continues. What remains the same is the distance that two people create when they have the same attachment styles.

    You just painted the entire picture here in your post. I don't think it's a mystery why you are attracted to her.

    What do you do? You try to figure out why you are unavailable. Because if you were available, you would have lost interest or the spell of attraction would have left you some time ago. If you were fully available you would be attracted to and attracting other like people who want the same thing you.
    You said you were initially relunctant due to your last relationship. Maybe. But I can't help but think there is more to it.

    There is is great book called "Attached" that describes different styles, how they came about (typically your upbringing) and how they effect each other, what you do have control over and the personality types best suited for you.

    Keeping it simple. . .it shouldn't be this hard, really. Good fits require alot less effort and drama.
    I am sorry. I believe that someone when someone is willing to lose you, they werent meant for you to begin with. For you two, it goes both ways.

  3. #3
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    My honest guess is that she tried to make herself feel what she thought she “should” feel( especially if she’s worried about her biological lock) and loves the idea of being in love and settling down...but she doesn’t genuinely have the right feelings for you to keep going.

    It’s going to be best to let her go and work on detaching. The likelihood that you two will come back from such a chaotic and stop-start-stop merry-go-round is very slim. The right connection just isn’t there for her.

  4. #4
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    Thanks for your feedback. Do you not think that feelings can grow if I am not in the picture at all and once she dates a few people she will realise what she had and potentially lost?

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  6. #5
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    Thank you. It's just very hard to let go of someone that you love...

    If she was to come back, I don't think I would need space though, I have never been more certain about anything in my life and would move mountains to make it work. When she brought herself closer in the early stages, it was an incredible feeling and I certainly wasn't pulling away.

    Sure, the dance has been messy and dramatic but when we are in the relationship there are no fights and we get along so well. That is what I find so baffling.

    Thanks again.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    The impression I get—and I suspect this is not going to land well—is that you are more smitten with the idea of her than anything else. Or perhaps the "story" of her is a better way to put it, given your cinematic casting of something that, at least from the bleacher seats, sounds like a relationship that never really existed, or never got out of the shallows and into genuine depths. Seems you two only really "connect" when one of you pushes the other away, drawn back in by the allure of what can't quite be had more than the actual person.

    What you are calling "history" and all you two have "been through" is...well, what exactly? Some mutual validation of emotional unavailability, shady behavior, infidelity. She's been your rebound, you've been hers. Then the ball stopped bouncing. That's a pretty intoxicating cycle, no doubt, but look at that word closely and you see its key ingredient: toxicity. It's what happens when drama gets mistaken for depth.

    In your present shoes? I'd do two things. One, I'd respect her, and what she's expressed to you, which is that she is not feeling this. Not your fault, not hers, but just a sad truth to sit with and move through. Two, I'd reflect a bit about why all this triggers in you a sense of "certainty." Perhaps you'll realize, with some melancholy, that you've needed this whole affair, literal and metaphoric, to realize that what you want is something much simpler than all this, if also more profound, which is to connect with someone and build on that, without all the obstacles. That someone is unlikely to be her, which I know is a painful thought, but if she helped you see that? Well, that there is a win, not a loss.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    You saw her 2 months later... you would still be 'emotionally blunt'.
    Have not processed your past relationship yet, at all. You're dragging on with this thing for her- but you know youare not ready- which was not fair on her.

    Over the next seven months, I broke up with her and got back together three times.

    - Yeah, sorry, but this is a no go. Most often, after thr first break up- much the same & a fail again. Unless or until what broke you up has been fixed/ changed.



    I am hopelessly in love with her and want to spend the rest of my life with her
    - IMO, you are 'in lust' not love.
    And I will repeat, this phrase is used way too often.. as I recall, you were involved before? I am sure you thought much the same with your previous relation as well, when ya first met.

    There has always been incredible chemistry between us and over the next few months we shared a few kisses while she was still dating the other guy.
    - This incredible chemistry is physical.. that wont keep a relationship going.. And bad on YOU for acting out that way- when you knew she was involved with someone else now. :/.
    Trying to mess her up some more?


    Everything was incredible for two months and then out of the blue, she said that she wasn't sure about us. But she wasn't certain if the problem was because of where she was at in her life or if it was a problem between her and I. She broke up with me to try sort it out. Then two weeks later she dropped off a present for my birthday and didn't leave my apartment for four days. It was a truly incredible time and I was the happiest I have ever been.
    - Seriously.. you are how old? :/.. omg
    Toxic.. you both are.. Neither one of you know what you want.

    she loves me but she is not in love with me
    - There you go. Enough said, it won;t go further than this. Done.


    She went from the bells and whistles of saying she was "ALL IN" to not being sure in a matter of weeks. It's just very confusing to me. Meanwhile, I have never been more certain about anything in my life.
    - Really??
    If I were her, after your second Break up- I would NOT be going back. Way too much Mind f*** .


    And dont take this all on as it is about you.. I feel she has many ghosts in her closet as well.. Has just been one BIG mess between you and her. You two were not meant to be.


    I am hopelessly in love with her and want to spend the rest of my life with her but I know what I am worth and I am not going to beg her to come back. I know of course that that begging wouldn't work anyway. I just feel that with time away from me without any contact, she will realise what she has lost.
    - Again, I say it is LUST. Love develops over time.. You two had NO real foundation built for a true relationship to flourish.
    Realise what she lost? Stop that! Love is not a game.. get off your high horse.. Work on YOU for a while and get your own Sht together!

    She said that she would like to keep in touch but I said very firmly that I didn't want contact if we weren't together and that I needed to move on.
    - That's right. We cant be 'friends' with an Ex unless or until we know we are over them.. yah good luck :/.

    Am I delusional?
    Yup.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DLK
    Thank you. It's just very hard to let go of someone that you love...

    If she was to come back, I don't think I would need space though, I have never been more certain about anything in my life and would move mountains to make it work. When she brought herself closer in the early stages, it was an incredible feeling and I certainly wasn't pulling away.

    Sure, the dance has been messy and dramatic but when we are in the relationship there are no fights and we get along so well. That is what I find so baffling.

    Thanks again.
    Honestly.. I find this all a little disturbing :/
    YOU are talking like you are slightly Infatuated , obsessed even & desperate :/.

    Look at some Reality.. the FACTS.
    Repeated break ups.. The push & pulls- which is damaging. All of It.

    How about YOU walk away- from all of it.
    STOP wondering,, 'Will she be this way in 2 months again?'.. Just Stop!

    Leave her alone.. Focus on you- End result WILL be the same.. only more & more messed up for you both.

    Get yourself together, as I mentioned.
    Stay out of any relationship ideas.. Get over your last damaging relationship- a good year at least.
    Realize you are not at a good frame of mind at this time.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You treated each other like yo-yos. You both engaged in unethical behavior, communicating and kissing when she had a bf. When two people don't know how to be in a mature, faithful, loving relationship, it's like assuming your castle made of sand will withstand the approaching tidal wave. The assumption is always wrong in that case.

    Given our history I just don't feel like this is over

    From the outside looking in, I see the opposite, or that the pattern will repeat without any real success--the on-again off, again stuff will endure for eternity.

    You're not whole and have a lot of work to do on yourself. She does too. When this happens, it's like putting in a DVD expecting to watch a beautiful movie, but your screen is blank because there's nothing on the DVD. It's void of what you're seeking. Be alone and do a lot of reading on what it means to be a good partner to someone, and also make sure you're fulfilled in all other areas of your life, spending time with friends and hobbies and being fulfilled in a career. Maybe when all of that is in place, you'll be ready to date again.

  11. #10
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SooSad33
    Honestly.. I find this all a little disturbing :/
    YOU are talking like you are slightly Infatuated , obsessed even & desperate :/.

    Look at some Reality.. the FACTS.
    Repeated break ups.. The push & pulls- which is damaging. All of It.

    How about YOU walk away- from all of it.
    STOP wondering,, 'Will she be this way in 2 months again?'.. Just Stop!

    Leave her alone.. Focus on you- End result WILL be the same.. only more & more messed up for you both.

    Get yourself together, as I mentioned.
    Stay out of any relationship ideas.. Get over your last damaging relationship- a good year at least.
    Realize you are not at a good frame of mind at this time
    .
    I second this post in its entirety.

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