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Thread: 4 month Limbo, now NoContact - advice please!

  1. #1

    4 month Limbo, now NoContact - advice please!

    Hi Everyone,

    So my GF broke up with me 4 months ago now. She said we're both very young (20) and she was overwhelmed by how serious it was + not experiencing life independently yet (we'd been together since school).

    For the last 4 months we've been in limbo, seeing each other most weeks, sharing a bed, kissing etc. but none of it has worked and we're still not together. I said last week that i'd had enough and i wanted to do NoContact until she comes to a realisation/ decision about our relationship or I am comfortable seeing her solely as a friend (and not trying to win her back like i have been).

    When we said goodbye she said the usual 'i love you so much' and 'i'm so sorry for putting you through this' and then she said 'just promise me you won't wait for me'. She has also said that she does still see a future for us together, but has stressed that i shouldn't wait for her.

    So my 2 main questions are:

    1. do you think the last 4 months will affect the eventual outcome for us? i.e. will us having been in limbo for 4 months change whether NoContact will actually be effective, and mean she'll be able to move on more easily? I know i should have done NoContact from the moment it happened, but... you know how it is.
    2. why do you think she is saying don't wait for me? Is it because she doesn't want the burden on her whilst she's trying to figure out what she wants (i.e. needs proper space to think), or because she thinks it's likely we won't get back together so doesn't want to give me any hope, or because she cares about me, and knows itís best thing for me. Regardless of whether we get back together. Would love to hear some opinions.

    Thanks for your help!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    How long were you together? You mentioned trying to win her back in the four months. She may have found it clingy or pestering over time. She's not on the same wavelength and has checked out emotionally from the relationship, it seems, for quite awhile. I think what she really means, unfortunately, is that she doesn't want to keep going through the awkwardness of having to meet with you while you still have feelings for her.

    I agree with her that you are both young. Keep telling yourself that if someone walks away from you, count it as a blessing not a curse. That person is showing you what he/she really feels and that kind of authenticity is a requirement for any growth or change. This is an opportunity for both of you to grow so take it.

    Stay away from any No Contact rules or ruses you find on the internet. It's baloney. You don't speak to someone because that person doesn't add to your life - period. That's all there is to it.

    Hope you feel better soon. Don't keep clinging at straws.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You guys are only 20! You have your whole lives ahead of you.

    No Contact means No Contact. Leave her alone, stop seeing her, stop talking to her. You'll never sort anything out if you keep doing what you are doing.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately she seems overwhelmed and suffocated. What does she mean by "getting too serious"? Is there pressure for sex or moving in or other premature commitments?

    She seems a bit immature, but mature enough to set you free and not give you false hope or string you along.
    Stop hanging out in the friendzone in this nebulous limbo hoping that will change her mind. Go no contact for your own peace of mind and to reflect on what you want out of a relationship.

    Unfortunately all theses "get your ex back" sites you have been scouring out of desperation tell you "No Contact" is some sort of tool or magic bullet to get back together. It's not.
    Originally Posted by harryjames
    She said we're both very young (20) and she was overwhelmed by how serious it was + not experiencing life independently yet .

    she said 'just promise me you won't wait for me'.

    She has also said that she does still see a future for us together, but has stressed that i shouldn't wait for her.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Welcome to ENA

    Answer 1: No the last four months will not have much impact on what will come.

    Answer 2: All of the above and then some. She loves you enough to set you free while she figures her stuff out. Say you waited 6 months and then one day you see her holding some other guys hand smiling and laughing. How would you feel?

    You did the right thing going NC. Even though this hurts it very well may be for the best and done sooner than later. Many feel like they missed out on something if they are in long term relationships from a young age until their mid twenties and then start wanting to go out and act like they are single when they are not. So you both can experience being single and just being young and free and most importantly growing as individuals.

    The love is still there so anything can happen. There are a lot of jerks out there and the more of them she meets the better you will look to her.

    I know it hurts and is kind of scary but you need to follow her lead and get out there and live your life and that means dating other girls when you feel you are ready. You were kids when you got together and you are not kids any longer so hang out with your single buddies, flirt with some girls and have fun and see where life takes you.

    NC will keep her thinking about you since you are now a mystery and what you are doing is unknown. Keep it that way.

    Lost

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    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by harryjames
    So my GF broke up with me 4 months ago now. She said we're both very young (20) and she was overwhelmed by how serious it was + not experiencing life independently yet (we'd been together since school).
    To me, sounds like "there's this other guy, and well, I haven't actually spoken to him, but he looked at me once, and it made me feel all excited and pretty and whatever. It made me think how fun it was at the beginning of our relationship, but now it's got serious and, well, boring. I want that fun again. So, I'll put you in this limbo place to make it easier to slip away, and maybe you'll even get sick of it and walk away, then I won't feel so bad."

    There is only one way out of limbo, and that is walking away and closing the door behind you. And, of course, it is possible, should you walk away that she will come crawling back in 6 months because some new guy dumped her. But by then you'll understand better and not go there again.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    It's confusing alright...eventually she will start monkey branching behind your back if she hasn't already, and still have the security of you being around whenever she needs company. You are being used because of the attachment. Not fair at all to continue like this. The adult thing to do is to cut all contact.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    1. do you think the last 4 months will affect the eventual outcome for us?
    - Sorry, I dont see an outcome for you guys :(... 'i'm so sorry for putting you through this' and then she said 'just promise me you won't wait for me'. has stressed that i shouldn't wait for her
    IMO, excuses to let you down easy...

    What's best for YOU.. is to walk away.. yes, go NC and remain that way.. Don't beg.. Don't chase. Walk
    Less contact etc, the better for YOU- to work on accepting & healing..

    And NO. I never agree on a 'friendship', unless or until I know I am over them.. so often is not successful.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by harryjames
    So my 2 main questions are:

    1. do you think the last 4 months will affect the eventual outcome for us? i.e. will us having been in limbo for 4 months change whether NoContact will actually be effective, and mean she'll be able to move on more easily? I know i should have done NoContact from the moment it happened, but... you know how it is.
    2. why do you think she is saying don't wait for me?!
    To answer your questions:
    1) No, it doesn't make any difference. She had already decided to end the relationship so what has happened the last 4 months doesn't matter much.

    2) Because she isn't going to put herself on hold for you, either. Meaning, she will be open to dating other guys. She doesn't want you to get hurt when she starts exploring life a single young woman, which will eventually include new male faces.

    It hurts, and I feel for you. This is where a lot of young loves fizzle out, as people grow and change and want to spread their wings. No Contact is going to be hard but it will ultimately protect you from further pain.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Sometimes a full on total breakup, never seeing each other again with no contact is very abrupt and either she wanted this transition time, or she was trying to avoid drama from you if she insisted on no contact from the get-go.

    Regardless, you saw that limbo doesn't work. Her contrary statements are her way of softening the blow. She has mixed in statements of hope with statements of not waiting. When someone is wishy-washy like this, that's a red flag, not a signal that you should overlook the bad and grasp for straws in the "maybe in the future" stuff.

    Look at the big picture. She is okay letting you go to date other women. A woman who loved you wouldn't free you to do this--not even once. And on-again, off-again relationships rarely work. Because past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. She broke up with you once, so if you got back together, she'd likely repeat that behavior when the newness wears off.

    It's common for young people to want to experience many dating opportunities before finally becoming serious with someone. The human brain isn't even fully formed until age 25, specifically in the decision making area. I wish I hadn't married at the young age of 21, because looking back, I had no idea what I was doing and that marriage ended in divorce.

    Fate has someone else in store for you and one day you will be happy this relationship ended, although you're too close to the situation to fathom that now. Take care.

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