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Thread: Asking for advice

  1. #1
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    Asking for advice

    Hey amazing people,

    Im not doing so well lately. Things have been going better, but since a month a lot of things happened and I feel my mindset going back to a negative state. I have thoughts Im starting to believe again ("I am not fun", "no one really likes me", "who can I trust?"). Ive been in therapy for three years now.
    Im asking for advice, because I notice every week Im feeling a bit worse then the week before. Where I had hope before now its hard to feel at least a bit positive in a day.
    Ive stopped dating a guy last month, didn't work (as I told in my last post). This made a difference: I feel unworthy and more insecure. I know its not because of me, but it triggered some traumas and core beliefs I suppose.
    Ive been doing a lot of things to change my mindset: working out, yoga, mindfulness, hiking in nature at least three times a week, eating healthy. Im still seeing friends but it feels off. I feel numb and not myself. I want to have social contact, but afterwards I feel worse then before. I lost a lot of friends lately, in a really bad way and I find it hard to trust people. I dont feel myself with them. Disconnected. Think my negative mindset and things that happened have a lot to do with this. It bothers me big time and makes me feel lonely. I want to have a positive outlook at these things, but I notice that I only have one true friend left. For the rest theres little genuine contact.
    There was a mistake in some subsidy and I lost a lot of money. I also just found out Im pregnant of this last guy (I am using the pill, didn't work though). I will not keep it.

    It feels hard to trust people and because of past experiences I dont know how to. Im trying to take care of myself, but the situation doesn't change much which makes me more unmotivated that it can change. I feel weak, because I am a little of a people pleaser (not too much) and find it hard to be hard to people. I think and question things a lot which keeps me in this state of mind.

    My therapist is on a holiday for the next three weeks, and I really wanna be there for myself. I know when I feel positive, that I am loveable and strong. I have been feeling like this again for a while. Things got a lot better. But at the moment Im not there yet and took some steps backwards.
    Does anyone have advice to help me get there? I love reading, so books are welcome too! Informative videos to understand the mind better too :). Thank you so much.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If you're pregnant, there are a lot of hormonal shifts. Speak to your doctor for help and guidance on next steps whatever you choose to do. Be kind to yourself. You don't have to be happy or positive all the time. The break up was just a month ago. Give yourself time to deal with everything going on.

    I'm curious why you feel you have to practice so hard to trust anyone? Leave the friends department for a bit. You will make new friends. Other people have their own lives to tend to. As you grow you'll keep making new friends with new sets of experiences you have, with new and different things to relate to each other about. It's all right and normal to outgrow old friends.

    Take care, Joyce! Process the break up and take your time.

  3. #3
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    Pregnancy -and I imagine the decision as to whether to keep it which you seem to have made - seems like two weighty, stressful things at once. Cut yourself some slack. I never had to make the decision about pregnancy termination but I imagine it's not easy for most people although maybe for you.

    The healthful things you're doing are great! I hope you keep it up!
    I agree with what Rose Mosse wrote.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Get to a doctor asap to address this and get STD testing asap. Also, tell your doctor about your low moods and that you need an evaluation for that so you have more to go on than supportive therapy and self-help.
    Originally Posted by JoyceVib
    I also just found out Im pregnant of this last guy
    My therapist is on a holiday for the next three weeks, and I really wanna be there for myself.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    3 years of therapy and you are getting worse? You are not in the right type of therapy. You need to trauma therapy. I did some reading on the weekend about it, and if you have had past bad experiences of abuse, can't trust people, etc. Then trauma therapy is for you. Remember not all therapists are not the same. If you haven't seen any exceedingly improvement over 3 years, then lets cut to the chase...it's not working for you. Find someone else. We can't really do much for you here except maybe give you a cheer for your efforts.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I agree with a lot of what others suggested... Being pregnant is a cause of some hormonal imbalance. Having been with a therapist for three years and not feeling better is probably a strong indication that the therapist is not a good match. Ending a romantic relationship and feeling let down by friends are things you need time to process.

    Could you be being too hard on yourself? It sounds like you are doing a lot to help yourself. So that is good and something for you to be proud of and to celebrate.

    If being social makes you feel worse, why don't you try doing things on your own. Build puzzles, go out for ice cream, maybe go watch kids play in the park (if that's happening now) or feed the birds, if there is no one around.

    My point is try to focus on enjoying yourself for yourself, in a way that feels good to you. We are all boring to someone... And that doesn't matter. What you do for yourself and what is good to you, does.

    Hang in there❤

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    Even having very few friends is okay.. especially with those left, 'get it'.
    I feel,, you are going through a low. I've been there.. and I just back away for a while and coast thru it.

    You feel low.. and mental health issue's can get rough.. I know, you are trying.. Good on You :)

    I suggest you keep trying... and keep reminding yourself, you ARE worthy and you will be 'okay'.
    Positive re-enforcement always helps .
    Also, diet counts(gut health)... So, try & keep up with viatmins ( B12 is good for mental) Vit C and D, etc.
    I do that and try to eat better.. avoiding sweets.. unless is a weakness.. then on occasion.

    Taking some steps backwards is okay... it takes time, for sure. Don't ( or try not to), put yourself down for that.

    Reading is good for the mind ;)... I am reading Men are from Mars.. so I can understand all the differences.
    Some also suggest a book, "The Body keeps score', - I think its called.

    Also, if on FB, join some mental health groups.. so you are not alone.
    Just keep going one day at a time.. take it easy.. on taking care of YOU <3.
    Is okay if we falter .. we all do.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Your therapist's vacation opens a window to try out a new therapist. It sounds a though this one hasn't given you the right tools to learn how to climb out of a pit instead of drilling yourself down deeper.

    I learned to stop spins into over-thinking by questioning how I WANT to feel today. That sets a goal, and a reasonable one, because it's just for today. If I want to drill tomorrow, I can do that, or I can make a better choice when I get there. But for now, I don't need to solve every future problem, and I don't need to dwell in my past if I don't WANT to.

    As for trust, I find it helpful to avoid imposing black-and-white, all-or-nothing assumptions about that. Trust doesn't need to be freely given--to anyone. People need to EARN my trust. So I set my internal trust meter to a neutral 5 on a scale of 1 through 10, and I observe people over t.i.m.e. while I pay attention.

    Everyone will show you who they are over time. Are they suspicious, or disloyal or blaming of anyone else? If so, they'll turn that on me at some point. Are they overly defensive or holding a grudge over being victimized by anyone? That will come out sideways on me if I overlook that. So, I withdraw trust and phase them out.

    When we've lived high drama, we tend to find that normal in people. It's not normal, it's an eggshell walk, and of course, it doesn't inspire trust.

    It's up to us to learn how to appreciate and enjoy the simpler things in life--like peace. If that requires some time alone by letting go of toxic people who we chose during needy times, then there's no time like the present to allow bad matches to pass. This can bring us into a solitary period, but if we use that time properly, it will build confidence in our ability to thrive solo, and from there, we'll use better judgment in our selection of those who we'll allow into our lives.

  10. 09-29-2020, 12:26 PM

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    Proselytizing /Please review the forum rules.


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