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Thread: My problem or his...

  1. #1
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    My problem or his...

    I'm having a really difficult time getting over something. I found out in July that my boyfriend began an extensive online friendship with an actractive woman half a world away. While the lack of proximity makes me sure that there was no physical relationship, I'm still incredibly uncomfortable. For some back story, they met in a FB group that centered on a Netflix show (a guy he went to school with was the focus of an episode). They met in this group in March when he was laid off due to the coronavirus, I was still working full time and was required to work at the office.

    During that time, we decided that he could stop contributing to the shared bills since there was a lot of uncertainty about how long the extra unemployment benefits in the US would last. I was under the assumption that he was spending his days "helping around the house" (I can count on one hand the number of times he did the dishes in those two months, let alone anything else of substantial help), playing video games, and napping. Come to find out he was actually splitting his days between playing video games and talking to her. All. Day. When he let me see their conversation, I couldn't even concentrate on content because of the sheer volume of messages, there were hundreds if not THOUSANDS over a few months time.

    I became aware of her when she responded to a post he had made and he "liked" her response. I know that sounds weird, and I don't usually get like that when random girls I don't happen to know "like" his posts (except for with his not-quite ex, separated but not divorced but that's a whole other post!), but this was different. She responded with something that I knew would make him roll his eyes in real life, so seeing that he liked it, I figured it was more about the person than what she said, and boy was I right. When I checked out her FB page, I saw that's where they were doing their "public" interacting, including an incident of public flirting (which he denies that's what it was) on our one-year anniversary, which he forgot.

    When I tried to casually bring her up in conversation one day and ask about how he knew this woman from across the world, he mentioned the group in which they met and then went on to talk about the group and effectively shut down the conversation on her. The next morning I called him on what I'd discovered (the extensive interactions on her page, the flirting, avoiding the subject the day before) he claimed that he didn't tell me because he "knew I would be jealous but that it wasn't like that".

    We've now had multiple fights about this. He asks me what I want him to do but then doesn't do it. I asked to see the messages again, and he said no, that it would just send me into another spiral. I asked him to be more open with me about their friendship, now he just mostly avoids FB and is on who knows what other apps instead (I only recently found out that he has had a Tumblr account for years). I've asked him to try and normalize his friendship with her, i.e. talk about it without me having to bring it up. All that resulted in was me accepting a friend request from her and still no more real insight. After an initial group messaging session, in which I aired some of my feelings and he defended her, there has been no more group communication. He has said that he would unfriend and block her, but I don't want to control who he's friends with, I just want to be able to trust that he wouldn't do something that would hurt me like this. I thought that we had committed to trying to have a healthy relationship but I don't see how secretly talking to some random woman for hours a day for months constitutes a healthy relationship! Am I being completely absurd here? Or does he need to do more to help regain trust? I hate that I can't let this go, but I don't know how. Everytime I see that he's been on FB all I can think is "was he talking to her again?"

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How long have you been dating? How long have you lived together? You need to stop supporting him. It doesn't matter if he bags groceries, pumps gas, cleans toilets.

    You need to stop enabling this. Stop paying for his phone or his access to internet. If he wants to chitchat and play video games all day, let him earn his own money or move back to mom and dad.

    This is not about some remote female chitchat this is about allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.
    Originally Posted by moblee316
    we decided that he could stop contributing to the shared bills since there was a lot of uncertainty about how long the extra unemployment benefits in the US would last. Come to find out he was actually splitting his days between playing video games and talking to her. All. Day.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    Can I ask how things were, between you guys, prior to all this? How long had you been together? Would you have described the relationship as a solid one, a secure one? Would you have described your connection as continuing to expand, to get more vulnerable and close? You made an offhand mention of him being separated, but not divorced, and I can't help but see that, potentially, as evidence that these waters weren't exactly calm before this woman, before the pandemic.

    Curious for more context, in short, before I go into the peculiars.

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    He went back to work in June and has since been contributing again. The phone is out of my hands and he pays for internet, that'sthe only shared bill in his name. My job pays for my phone and he is still on a family plan with his ex and their son. While I don't love that they are all still on a plan, it is cheaper.

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    Sorry, totally forgot the other questions. We've been together a little less than a year and a half and will be living together a year as of October. Yes, it was a rushed move in. He had gotten laid off (different job and way before COVID) and asked him to move in. We also have his son 50% of the time.

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    In the beginning the relationship felt stable and solid but things really seemed to change when he moved in last October. I understand that it must have been difficult for him, having lost his job, but I was left feeling like this was a choice he HAD to make instead of one he wanted to make. I also don't feel like what I've done and continue to do is really appreciated. Anytime an issue comes up with his ex, he never sides with me, he instead just doesn't want to engage to make HIS life easier. For example, the three of us (me, him, his son) have a movie night on Fridays. A few weeks ago his ex text him that the son really needs to get all of his homework finished before a movie. Totally understandable. The kid has had issues focusing on online learning and she was the one with access to his assignments so she knew what was and wasn't getting done. But the following week when we told him no movie until homework was finished he tried to pull the whole "mom said if I finished X I could do Y after the movie". Now, the kid may have been lying to get to watch a movie early, but my boyfriend wouldn't even text his ex to see what the situation was. I told him after they moved in that I didn't want her making rules for OUR house. She doesn't live here, has never lived here, and will never live here so she doesn't get to make the rules. So it really pissed me off that he wouldn't even try to address this. He just claimed "I'm sure she was just trying to help" and then wants me to drop it. I try to be sensitive to the power imbalance in our relationship (I make more money, pay more of the bills, and I bought this house well before I even knew him) so I don't want to throw around the "my house, my rules" trope, but I'm really sick of feeling like I have LESS say in my own home than his ex does! But of course he doesn't see it this way.

  8. #7
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    I’m sorry to hear this, to me it sounds like an emotional affair he’s created with her. If I were you I wouldn’t tolerate this at all. I would leave the relationship! I think once someone strays emotionally or physically you know there’s deeper issues in the relationship that need to be addressed. It depends if you want to keep enabling his behavior.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sadly you've taken in a user. Why doesn't he have his own place? You should not have to be a spectator of his ex/child relationship and his affairs in your own home.

    Can he move back in with his ex?
    Originally Posted by moblee316
    I make more money, pay more of the bills, and I bought this house well before I even knew him

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sadly you've taken in a user. Why doesn't he have his own place? You should not have to be a spectator of his ex/child relationship and his affairs in your own home.

    Can he move back in with his ex?
    That was the other option before he moved in here. This is just so crushing. I thought we had such a great connection and were on the same page and then he flipped it on me. I'm so sick of this happening!! I really wanted to make this relationship work.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I'm sorry this is all happening! At the end of the day if this is how he handles a difficult situation in his life, I wouldn't want to stick around long term.

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