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Thread: Codependency- I think I've realised what's wrong with me

  1. #1
    Silver Member Dalesboy's Avatar
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    Codependency- I think I've realised what's wrong with me

    Hi guys!

    Not been on here for a bit.
    I still struggle with the end of a relationship that was only two months long, (ended 28/12/17). Bad timing, not long after my Dad's (Grandfather) death, and ultimately I knew she wasn't right for me. However, I still mourn her.....after no contact in all that time. Some days I hardly think about her, and then recently it's been relentless.

    It was after googling why I still mourned a relationship, that codependency came up.....and I tick all the boxes. Low self esteem, terrified she was going to end the relationship because the thought of being single was so much worse. Determined to stick with the relationship as the alternative didn't bear thinking about. Also seeing she was vulnerable and had been hurt, and wanting to make her better.

    I mentioned my Dad/Grandad's death (I was his carer for three years before he died). I was brought up by my Grandparents, although my biological Mother was a part of my life. My mother is incredibly selfish, and uses me (she's in an unhappy marriage and uses visits to me as an excuse to see the man she's having an affair with). She has never been there for me, and ultimately that continues to this day. My true parents who brought me up (my grandparents) are now gone, and my mother is my only family. I live alone, and if I'm honest.....the only family feel I have, is my Border Collie.

    I broke into tears reading all of this, because it sums me up. I feel desperate to be loved and to be held by someone who truly cares for me, but I know I need to love myself. I've battled my weight putting on for stone in a year. I've lost nearly a stone of that in the last two weeks.

    So now I'm trying to find a way forward. I've ordered a couple of books, one being 'Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You' which I'm looking forward to arriving.

    I hate living like this, I can't keep thinking back to someone who is long gone, who I'll never see again who was never right for me.

    Thanks for listening. Getting Ready for a First Date

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I think it's great that you are realizing this and starting to sort yourself out and get some help with that.

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    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    There is also a group called Codependents Anonymous (CODA) that has meetings. I've attended. Of course the meetings are most likely virtual right now but they can be of tremendous help.

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    Silver Member Dalesboy's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I think it's great that you are realizing this and starting to sort yourself out and get some help with that.
    Thank you! I can't keep feeling how I do, and can't keep running from the problem.

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    Silver Member Dalesboy's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    There is also a group called Codependents Anonymous (CODA) that has meetings. I've attended. Of course the meetings are most likely virtual right now but they can be of tremendous help.
    Thanks for that. I've just had a google and I'm going to try and join up.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I am so sorry. For the loss of your dad and that relationship. Grief also has an effect long after a person's passing. Are you open to grief counselling? It may help in tandem with the codependent support meetings. Or help with encouraging more independence, increase self-confidence a little and accepting loss, moving past it and really accepting that life moves forward and how you can continue living beyond the life of the ones you have lost.

    I hope you find peace and some support soon.

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    Also, don't discount the fact that your grief could be a bigger influence than you think - sure you could be codependent - but i think the grief is more what's driving it. its two losses at once -- no matter that the loss of her was smaller - and also, you mourn the idea of what the relationship could have been if your dad didn't pass.

    I would focus on self care especially if you cared for his physical needs. -- whatever it takes -- permission to sleep in, nature walks, talking it over with friends or counseling...

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    Silver Member Dalesboy's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Also, don't discount the fact that your grief could be a bigger influence than you think - sure you could be codependent - but i think the grief is more what's driving it. its two losses at once -- no matter that the loss of her was smaller - and also, you mourn the idea of what the relationship could have been if your dad didn't pass.

    I would focus on self care especially if you cared for his physical needs. -- whatever it takes -- permission to sleep in, nature walks, talking it over with friends or counseling...
    Thanks for the post.

    I see a pattern though when I like someone, they become the centre of my world and nothing else matters. I agree the grief is all interwind in all this. I lack confidence, always have (generally being overweight) I've lost nearly a stone since the Doctor's are adjusting my medication which is great.

    I throw myself into my hobbies which generally makes me feel better, and pushes the emptiness away. Sometimes it isn't enough and that emptiness and feelings of just wanting to be held by someone become too much.

    I'm having an online counselling session on Thursday which I'm hoping can help.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're doing great. This covid thing is making everyone question a lot of things about life, themselves their relationships. Keep up the good work.
    Originally Posted by Dalesboy
    I've lost nearly a stone since the Doctor's are adjusting my medication which is great.

    I throw myself into my hobbies which generally makes me feel better, and pushes the emptiness away. Sometimes it isn't enough and that emptiness and feelings of just wanting to be held by someone become too much.

    I'm having an online counselling session on Thursday which I'm hoping can help.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Also, don't discount the fact that your grief could be a bigger influence than you think
    That's true. Although I think it's great that you're looking into codependency. Also check out Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I read that a while back and thought it was great.

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