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Thread: Reflections welcomed, am I ruining my relationship by asking too much of my bf?

  1. #11
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    Thank you, this is helpful. I told him yesterday that I canít do this anymore and we need to end things. He said Iím being dramatic and controlling, telling him how to live his life. I canít expect understanding from an addict, I need to accept that whatever the outcome he will likely always blame me for the relationship ending, despite everything his behaviour has put me through. I need to continue to seek help, but this post has helped me to realise that I do deserve better and Iím not insane. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    You're not asking too much.

    But you're asking for it from the wrong person. He is an addict. He cannot and will not offer you the love, support and mutual respect you're seeking.
    Thank you, this is helpful. I told him yesterday that I canít do this anymore and we need to end things. He said Iím being dramatic and controlling, telling him how to live his life. I canít expect understanding from an addict, I need to accept that whatever the outcome he will likely always blame me for the relationship ending, despite everything his behaviour has put me through. I need to continue to seek help, but this post has helped me to realise that I do deserve better and Iím not insane.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    What do your parents/family members think of all the things you've told us here?

    Or...have you hidden these things from them? If so, think about why.
    Thank you for this helpful advice, I have never thought about it from this perspective. I have always hidden his alcoholism and periods where he has treated me bad and upset me. My dad was an addictions nurse all of his life, and my parents have a healthy marriage so I didnít want them to judge my bf or think that he wasnít good enough for me. As I mentioned he has always got on well with my family and never relapsed in front of them.

    The act of me hiding it tells me a lot - his behaviours are wrong and I donít want other people to know. Itís a burden that Iím being asked to cope with myself. When I try to seek support from him Iím told that Iím insane and making things up, fast forward 5 minutes he admits to lying, yet canít that lying and accusing someone of being insane is wrong. As everyone else has commented, I am expecting too much from someone with an addiction.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Don't hide anything anymore, not from yourself either. You've been making excuses for this person for a long while, thinking that by being non-judgmental you're saving someone or giving someone a chance where others won't. You're not asking for too much wanting a healthy and non-dysfunctional relationship that's stable and honest (also without addictions or untreated mental health problems).

    Crazy-making is regular and normal in a dysfunctional relationship as is blame-shifting and hot/cold reactions. These are all emotionally and mentally abusive. You have to un-do all that damage and come back to reality, rehabilitate yourself in the break up. The first step is recognizing it's as bad as it is. Everything else will come into focus later. It'll feel like breaking bones and resetting them - all very painful but very worth it in the end. It's okay to seek help or support from family and other sources and it's all right to feel down and sad. Be kind to yourself and honest too.

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  6. #15
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    Haven't read any of the comments sorry. I'm just wondering, what part of the relationship is actually good or even worth it? He's got severe drinking issues (and even drugs) and he has treated you horribly all these years! Addicts are very selfish because the only thing they actually care about is their drug of choice. They just use people because they don't actually have regard for anyone or anything because the drug is their only number one thing. I know because my ex fiance is a drug addict. I really think it's time you ended this relationship. I don't think your boyfriend actually wants to change at all, so it won't get any better.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Think about living the next 40 years of your life with him, exactly as he is now.

    How does that make you feel? Warm, safe and loved? Or more like a nightmare?

    Please think about this when you're tempted to go back because you "love him!!" or "miss" him.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by bonnie20
    Thank you, this is helpful. I told him yesterday that I canít do this anymore and we need to end things. He said Iím being dramatic and controlling, telling him how to live his life. I canít expect understanding from an addict, I need to accept that whatever the outcome he will likely always blame me for the relationship ending, despite everything his behaviour has put me through. I need to continue to seek help, but this post has helped me to realise that I do deserve better and Iím not insane.
    "we need to end thngs" vs "i am done. its over."
    The other person does not have to agree to the breakup.
    Tell him its over. if you do not feel strong, do it by phone.
    If he contacts you again say "please don't contact me anymore"
    and block his number. If he shows up, get a restraining order
    and yes, call CPS if drugs are being used with kids present.

    Make a deal with yourself to not accept going to get coffee with a man (i am not talking about relatives and catching coffee as a coworker group), do not create an online dating account, do not give your phone number out. In six months, say 'good job" and add another three. i also would suggest counseling

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Here's where you can find real support for your situation:
    [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by bonnie20
    When I try to seek support from him Iím told that Iím insane and making things up. I am expecting too much from someone with an addiction.

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