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Thread: I'm not sure what to do with my relationship which has become toxic?

  1. #1
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    I'm not sure what to do with my relationship which has become toxic?

    Hey guys!

    This is actually the first time I'm writing on some forum or asking for this type of advice but sometimes it's nice to hear the opinion of people who are completely objective. I really hope that someone will have a patience to read this long text.

    Okay, I'm going to try to write as much as it can so you can get a clearer understanding of the situation. I've been in a long-distance relationship for about 1,5 years. My bf is one of the most amazing people I've ever met as it was our relationship to some point. It happened totally spontaneously but we got so caught up and liked each other that we decided to give it a try even though we knew that relationships like this could be stressful. I was confident, positive, and easy-going which would be completely different then I am at the moment. He told me that he had never met a better person in his life and therefore not a girl like me and it really looked like that. On the other hand, he's really the most special guy I've ever had a chance to meet. He is really intelligent, different, "deeper" than anyone I know, with a broader and different view of the world. I really don't want to offend anyone, but he is just not "basic", so to say, and that's how we probably found each other because I think I'm also specific in some way.

    Our relation was very healthy, full of love and understanding until one moment when the problems started. What started to bother me was that my bf after some 5 months of the relationship started to be different, after the first such "honeymoon" phase. At that point, when we met and during this first phase, he was going through a tough period of looking for a job after college and self-reflecting, and of course I was always by his side and it worked great. Then we saw each other and spent two weeks together and it didn't go that well because I didn't organize some things which I was supposed to which led to negative energy between us and after his departure it all starts (I have to mention that we were seeing each other each month and a half approximately and spending more or fewer days together depending on our schedules). After that meeting we had, we started arguing and blaming each other for why the time we spent together was bad when every previous time was wonderful. I accepted my part of being guilty, apologized, and tried to make it up. He became a little different and colder but when I started the breakup story at that point, he didnít want to accept it but thought we should stay together. Sure, we stayed together because we were already in love but I wasn't truly completely happy after that. I think I was happy to have him but I was missing something because he was never as he used to be. I know I can't expect the same excitement as in the beginning but the relationship needs to grow into something deeper and more meaningful over time. The next thing that happens is that he got the job and what he was striving for all the time while I was in the same phase of looking for a new job and phase of self-reflection. In the meantime, we kept seeing each other but it wasnít as great for me as it was in the beginning. He was now busy with a new job as I was going through a difficult period where I didnít feel like I had his support like he had mine. In addition, he criticized me and pressured me to find out what I wanted out of life and he said that he did it for my sake even it didn't feel good. This led to my frustration and dissatisfaction which I started to express by constantly arguing with him, about anything because I felt I deserved better treatment. Of course, I tried to resist it but it was really hard. During that period, we were occasionally fighting but we eventually "fixed things" (Again, I felt as something was missing for me all the time). I decided to stay because I started loving him and I wanted it to work out as well as he did. These were some initial problems that grew over time.

    Let's say that our relationship was fine, until a couple of months ago. One of the biggest issues is that we haven't been able to see each other for months because of COVID. I have to point out that external factors were really bad for our relationship, nothing went our way because we didn't choose to be separated, we just couldn't travel to each other. Every time we think that it will be possible to do it soon and then we get one more slap and disappointment. In the meantime, we both had some personal issues and instead of finding support in each other, we were fighting. Then we always say we won't do it anymore, we'll be sorry, but we continue again and so on for months. In addition, we could not meet up that it was even harder. Iíve been thinking of course earlier if itís better to break up but I just couldnít because I really love him and somehow I was hoping things would get better, I mean we both were. After our last fight which was not so serious but more like accumulated over time, we decided to stay away from each other for a few days since we are talking every day since we meet. After some days, I called him because someone definitely has to do it and thought we would smooth things over as usual but our conversation was different this time. He told me that he hadn't called me earlier because these days were really peaceful for him and a kind of relief (so it was for me) and that he was thinking whether it was smarter to break up or stay together. So, these few days we talked and he practically told me that he needs to spend some time alone to decide what he wants, on what I told him that he had enough days to figure that out. I said that my opinion is that whether we break up and completely stop communicating or we move in together (I know it sounds crazy but I think it would be easier to work on it in real life but I also have to mention that he has always procrastinated with this decision). Basically, he says that he loves me a lot and that is the only thing which keeps him from breaking up. He says that he wants to be with me but that our relationship in the last time was nothing but suffering for both of us and that maybe is better for our own sake to stay away from each other. I know he does love me, I can see that else I would leave a long time ago. As you can see our relationship became really toxic and painful because we want it to work but it just doesn't somehow.

    After a couple of days of "trying to figure out" what we should do, he said that I'm not helping him by talking with him because he has to stay away from the problem (me) so he can eventually solve the problem. He is a bit melancholic by nature but I have never seen him so depressed, sad, and dark. He says he hasn't done anything these days, that he can't eat, do anything useful, or even take a shower. I tried to cheer him up but it didn't work. It seems to me that he has completely lost faith in our relationship but he still canít break up and says he is completely unable to make a decision. I already know that this relation has been lately toxic for both of us but I feel lost and I don't know what am I supposed to do? I don't feel like waiting like a little puppy on him until he figures out what does he want to do ( I have to mention that he mostly blames me for our fights, by saying how he was never enough for me and he even said that I was emotionally abusing him and that I should at least give me some space back now) but from the other side I still have faith and I don't have the heart to break up. How can I do it if I love him? I can't imagine that I won't be able to see him ever again or that he would be seeing someone else. I literally saw him as someone I could spend my life with and I don't want anyone else.

    I know I wrote a lot of negativity even though there were really nice things but I wanted to focus on the problems. Tell me what you would do, is it possible to do anything? Has anyone had a similar situation and if you did, how did you handle it? What is your objective reasoning from the side? Is it better to break up or wait for him to say what he wants and if I decide to wait, how long should I then? I can't be in this state for long.

    I appreciate every answer. ❤️ Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
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    Your relationship started to unravel a long time ago, it seems, and you two haven't want to face the truth: you don't work well as a couple.

    When it only works during the honeymoon phase, it isn't the sort of relationship that is going to go the distance. Problems after only 5 months in is your indicator of that.

    I think he is slowly breaking up with you, and it sounds like that would actually be for the best. I'm sure there were good times in there, but there is a strong undertone of incompatibility and conflict. You would probably both be happier with others who are better-suited to you.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why did he think you were " emotionally abusing" him?

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    It is because I was the one mostly picking fights whenever he did something that it felt wrong for me and I agree that I was probably overreacting most of the time. What led me to it was my inner dissatisfaction after he changed a bit and after he didn't show the same support for me when I needed him so I guess I didnít feel loved or secure enough. I didn't know if I am asking for or expecting too much and how to deal with that feeling because I was used to something more or better, while I was treating him the same way as I always did. Basically, he says that everything that was happening in the last couple of months is because he wasn't enough for me because we never had some other problems (except that we weren't able to meet) so that's why he feels that way.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok, this is for your friends, family and therapist to help you with.
    What led me to it was my inner dissatisfaction after he changed a bit and after he didn't show the same support for me when I needed him so I guess I didnít feel loved or secure enough

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    You think so? Do you also think that I am the one which was causing problems and that I should have been satisfied with what I was getting or if I didn't that I was supposed to leave? I don't know, it was hard to adapt to that change. Do you have some advice for me regarding current condition of the relationship? I don't feel like letting him go but at the same time, I don't want to impact his decision or maybe I should?

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    Originally Posted by Tammy01
    It is because I was the one mostly picking fights whenever he did something that it felt wrong for me and I agree that I was probably overreacting most of the time. .
    How frequently was this happening?

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    I think I would move on from this since love is not enough -he says he has feelings of love for you but you two cannot get along and play nicely in the sandbox - he feels worse when he interacts with you and you are walking on eggshells. How is this even fun? Whether it's because of the distance or not doesn't really matter -face the actual facts and that you two don't have concrete plans to see each other -that is partly covid of course. I don't think this is worth investing more time in -let him go in a caring and thoughtful way and move on is my opinion.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Exactly. All these incompatibilities and hardships means it's time to leave and find someone local who you can trust and is a positive factor in your life. Picking fights for attention or to trying to squeeze blood out of a stone never works. Leave him alone, he's already got one foot out the door.
    Originally Posted by Tammy01
    or if I didn't that I was supposed to leave?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It seems you're very hurt because he's not as supportive as you. The bottomline is if someone is truly as emotionally invested and emotionally stable he/she wouldn't be drawing away or feel cause to draw away from you. Leave him alone for now because there's nothing left to do but what he asks. You described him as melancholic - what does this mean? Is he depressed a lot or does he have mood issues? You can't solve his moodiness or any mood disorders so leave things for now. Being melancholic isn't an endearing trait. Don't pick up the slack for people who don't treat you well or have moods that pull you down.

    The best thing you can do for yourself is take a big step back, cool off and give yourself more time to think. Put some distance (mentally/emotionally) from this person and don't blame yourself for everything. Reacting to someone else's inconsistencies are your instincts telling you that something is wrong or off about this person. Your different stages in job searches and where you're at are also contributing factors in your differences right now. Let things be and don't try to rush and solve everything. Focus on your work and the job search. Put this on the backburner. It may be very upsetting but it's not a priority. Carry on with the other things you have to do with your life.

    Also, please don't accept when someone is forceful with you about your life-views or perspectives. He lost his patience with you. Cut down on contact with individuals who feel it's their responsibility to educate you on what direction your life should take. Both of you are still young and figuring out your lives. Stop parenting each other and don't accept when someone appears pushy, aggressive or condescending. If you felt he was taking out his frustrations on you or had very little patience with you, recognize that and step away.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 09-21-2020 at 09:39 AM.

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