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I'm not sure what to do with my relationship which has become toxic?


Tammy01

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Hey guys!

 

This is actually the first time I'm writing on some forum or asking for this type of advice but sometimes it's nice to hear the opinion of people who are completely objective. I really hope that someone will have a patience to read this long text. :smug:

 

Okay, I'm going to try to write as much as it can so you can get a clearer understanding of the situation. I've been in a long-distance relationship for about 1,5 years. My bf is one of the most amazing people I've ever met as it was our relationship to some point. It happened totally spontaneously but we got so caught up and liked each other that we decided to give it a try even though we knew that relationships like this could be stressful. I was confident, positive, and easy-going which would be completely different then I am at the moment. He told me that he had never met a better person in his life and therefore not a girl like me and it really looked like that. On the other hand, he's really the most special guy I've ever had a chance to meet. He is really intelligent, different, "deeper" than anyone I know, with a broader and different view of the world. I really don't want to offend anyone, but he is just not "basic", so to say, and that's how we probably found each other because I think I'm also specific in some way.

 

Our relation was very healthy, full of love and understanding until one moment when the problems started. What started to bother me was that my bf after some 5 months of the relationship started to be different, after the first such "honeymoon" phase. At that point, when we met and during this first phase, he was going through a tough period of looking for a job after college and self-reflecting, and of course I was always by his side and it worked great. Then we saw each other and spent two weeks together and it didn't go that well because I didn't organize some things which I was supposed to which led to negative energy between us and after his departure it all starts (I have to mention that we were seeing each other each month and a half approximately and spending more or fewer days together depending on our schedules). After that meeting we had, we started arguing and blaming each other for why the time we spent together was bad when every previous time was wonderful. I accepted my part of being guilty, apologized, and tried to make it up. He became a little different and colder but when I started the breakup story at that point, he didn’t want to accept it but thought we should stay together. Sure, we stayed together because we were already in love but I wasn't truly completely happy after that. I think I was happy to have him but I was missing something because he was never as he used to be. I know I can't expect the same excitement as in the beginning but the relationship needs to grow into something deeper and more meaningful over time. The next thing that happens is that he got the job and what he was striving for all the time while I was in the same phase of looking for a new job and phase of self-reflection. In the meantime, we kept seeing each other but it wasn’t as great for me as it was in the beginning. He was now busy with a new job as I was going through a difficult period where I didn’t feel like I had his support like he had mine. In addition, he criticized me and pressured me to find out what I wanted out of life and he said that he did it for my sake even it didn't feel good. This led to my frustration and dissatisfaction which I started to express by constantly arguing with him, about anything because I felt I deserved better treatment. Of course, I tried to resist it but it was really hard. During that period, we were occasionally fighting but we eventually "fixed things" (Again, I felt as something was missing for me all the time). I decided to stay because I started loving him and I wanted it to work out as well as he did. These were some initial problems that grew over time.

 

Let's say that our relationship was fine, until a couple of months ago. One of the biggest issues is that we haven't been able to see each other for months because of COVID. I have to point out that external factors were really bad for our relationship, nothing went our way because we didn't choose to be separated, we just couldn't travel to each other. Every time we think that it will be possible to do it soon and then we get one more slap and disappointment. In the meantime, we both had some personal issues and instead of finding support in each other, we were fighting. Then we always say we won't do it anymore, we'll be sorry, but we continue again and so on for months. In addition, we could not meet up that it was even harder. I’ve been thinking of course earlier if it’s better to break up but I just couldn’t because I really love him and somehow I was hoping things would get better, I mean we both were. After our last fight which was not so serious but more like accumulated over time, we decided to stay away from each other for a few days since we are talking every day since we meet. After some days, I called him because someone definitely has to do it and thought we would smooth things over as usual but our conversation was different this time. He told me that he hadn't called me earlier because these days were really peaceful for him and a kind of relief (so it was for me) and that he was thinking whether it was smarter to break up or stay together. So, these few days we talked and he practically told me that he needs to spend some time alone to decide what he wants, on what I told him that he had enough days to figure that out. I said that my opinion is that whether we break up and completely stop communicating or we move in together (I know it sounds crazy but I think it would be easier to work on it in real life but I also have to mention that he has always procrastinated with this decision). Basically, he says that he loves me a lot and that is the only thing which keeps him from breaking up. He says that he wants to be with me but that our relationship in the last time was nothing but suffering for both of us and that maybe is better for our own sake to stay away from each other. I know he does love me, I can see that else I would leave a long time ago. As you can see our relationship became really toxic and painful because we want it to work but it just doesn't somehow.

 

After a couple of days of "trying to figure out" what we should do, he said that I'm not helping him by talking with him because he has to stay away from the problem (me) so he can eventually solve the problem. He is a bit melancholic by nature but I have never seen him so depressed, sad, and dark. He says he hasn't done anything these days, that he can't eat, do anything useful, or even take a shower. I tried to cheer him up but it didn't work. It seems to me that he has completely lost faith in our relationship but he still can’t break up and says he is completely unable to make a decision. I already know that this relation has been lately toxic for both of us but I feel lost and I don't know what am I supposed to do? I don't feel like waiting like a little puppy on him until he figures out what does he want to do ( I have to mention that he mostly blames me for our fights, by saying how he was never enough for me and he even said that I was emotionally abusing him and that I should at least give me some space back now) but from the other side I still have faith and I don't have the heart to break up. How can I do it if I love him? I can't imagine that I won't be able to see him ever again or that he would be seeing someone else. I literally saw him as someone I could spend my life with and I don't want anyone else.

 

I know I wrote a lot of negativity even though there were really nice things but I wanted to focus on the problems. Tell me what you would do, is it possible to do anything? Has anyone had a similar situation and if you did, how did you handle it? What is your objective reasoning from the side? Is it better to break up or wait for him to say what he wants and if I decide to wait, how long should I then? I can't be in this state for long.

 

I appreciate every answer. ❤️

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Your relationship started to unravel a long time ago, it seems, and you two haven't want to face the truth: you don't work well as a couple.

 

When it only works during the honeymoon phase, it isn't the sort of relationship that is going to go the distance. Problems after only 5 months in is your indicator of that.

 

I think he is slowly breaking up with you, and it sounds like that would actually be for the best. I'm sure there were good times in there, but there is a strong undertone of incompatibility and conflict. You would probably both be happier with others who are better-suited to you.

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It is because I was the one mostly picking fights whenever he did something that it felt wrong for me and I agree that I was probably overreacting most of the time. What led me to it was my inner dissatisfaction after he changed a bit and after he didn't show the same support for me when I needed him so I guess I didn’t feel loved or secure enough. I didn't know if I am asking for or expecting too much and how to deal with that feeling because I was used to something more or better, while I was treating him the same way as I always did. Basically, he says that everything that was happening in the last couple of months is because he wasn't enough for me because we never had some other problems (except that we weren't able to meet) so that's why he feels that way.

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You think so? Do you also think that I am the one which was causing problems and that I should have been satisfied with what I was getting or if I didn't that I was supposed to leave? I don't know, it was hard to adapt to that change. Do you have some advice for me regarding current condition of the relationship? I don't feel like letting him go but at the same time, I don't want to impact his decision or maybe I should?

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I think I would move on from this since love is not enough -he says he has feelings of love for you but you two cannot get along and play nicely in the sandbox - he feels worse when he interacts with you and you are walking on eggshells. How is this even fun? Whether it's because of the distance or not doesn't really matter -face the actual facts and that you two don't have concrete plans to see each other -that is partly covid of course. I don't think this is worth investing more time in -let him go in a caring and thoughtful way and move on is my opinion.

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Exactly. All these incompatibilities and hardships means it's time to leave and find someone local who you can trust and is a positive factor in your life. Picking fights for attention or to trying to squeeze blood out of a stone never works. Leave him alone, he's already got one foot out the door.

or if I didn't that I was supposed to leave?
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It seems you're very hurt because he's not as supportive as you. The bottomline is if someone is truly as emotionally invested and emotionally stable he/she wouldn't be drawing away or feel cause to draw away from you. Leave him alone for now because there's nothing left to do but what he asks. You described him as melancholic - what does this mean? Is he depressed a lot or does he have mood issues? You can't solve his moodiness or any mood disorders so leave things for now. Being melancholic isn't an endearing trait. Don't pick up the slack for people who don't treat you well or have moods that pull you down.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is take a big step back, cool off and give yourself more time to think. Put some distance (mentally/emotionally) from this person and don't blame yourself for everything. Reacting to someone else's inconsistencies are your instincts telling you that something is wrong or off about this person. Your different stages in job searches and where you're at are also contributing factors in your differences right now. Let things be and don't try to rush and solve everything. Focus on your work and the job search. Put this on the backburner. It may be very upsetting but it's not a priority. Carry on with the other things you have to do with your life.

 

Also, please don't accept when someone is forceful with you about your life-views or perspectives. He lost his patience with you. Cut down on contact with individuals who feel it's their responsibility to educate you on what direction your life should take. Both of you are still young and figuring out your lives. Stop parenting each other and don't accept when someone appears pushy, aggressive or condescending. If you felt he was taking out his frustrations on you or had very little patience with you, recognize that and step away.

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Exactly. All these incompatibilities and hardships means it's time to leave and find someone local who you can trust and is a positive factor in your life. Picking fights for attention or to trying to squeeze blood out of a stone never works. Leave him alone, he's already got one foot out the door.

 

Yeah, maybe I did it subconsciously. Then why did he persistently want to be with me? Because until some point he gave me what I needed and whenever I started a story about it he said I was exaggerating and I couldn’t expect him to be the same as in the beginning and that his love had grown into something more mature but somehow I didn't feel that way. I felt as he was showing me less attention, etc. This is what I am trying to understand, am I really someone who has unrealistic expectations and who has unnecessarily created a problem, or is it still up to him? This would be good to figure out so I can work on myself.

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I think I would move on from this since love is not enough -he says he has feelings of love for you but you two cannot get along and play nicely in the sandbox - he feels worse when he interacts with you and you are walking on eggshells. How is this even fun? Whether it's because of the distance or not doesn't really matter -face the actual facts and that you two don't have concrete plans to see each other -that is partly covid of course. I don't think this is worth investing more time in -let him go in a caring and thoughtful way and move on is my opinion.

 

Actually, we were figuring out the entire time how and when to see each other and about the plan, we both wanted to move in together at some point since pretty much from the beginning. We agreed that we should get our sh*t together first but overall it was certainly a joint plan (even though I was more ready for that step), otherwise, I would not have stayed in such a relationship. He feels worse now because of the arguments we had but he said that he doesn't want anything more than a functional relationship with me. Basically, he is tired and he lost faith that it could get better because we said that so many times and it didn't work. From the other side, it feels impossible for him to break up.

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Actually, we were figuring out the entire time how and when to see each other and about the plan, we both wanted to move in together at some point since pretty much from the beginning. We agreed that we should get our sh*t together first but overall it was certainly a joint plan (even though I was more ready for that step), otherwise, I would not have stayed in such a relationship. He feels worse now because of the arguments we had but he said that he doesn't want anything more than a functional relationship with me. Basically, he is tired and he lost faith that it could get better because we said that so many times and it didn't work. From the other side, it feels impossible for him to break up.

 

So what was the intention behind moving in together? To be more committed? To share phsyical space/save money? I'm not sure what you mean by next step. (my husband and I didn't have the same apartment until after we married - our next step was getting engaged and planning our wedding ceremony).

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I wouldn't say that he is emotionally stable, so you are probably right about it. He has mood issues which would mean that he often feels sad/melancholic and maybe even depressed but I wouldn't dare to call it that way because I'm not sure. What I know is that he doesn't have diagnostic depression. Also, I have to say that before me he never had a healthy relationship.

I'm not sure why he wasn't supportive but what I know is that everything was great while I was a positive giver and now when I'm not like that anymore maybe he isn't able to deal with it or he just doesn't love me that much as he says. That is what was bothering me and caused me dissatisfaction.

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I wouldn't say that he is emotionally stable, so you are probably right about it. He has mood issues which would mean that he often feels sad/melancholic and maybe even depressed but I wouldn't dare to call it that way because I'm not sure. What I know is that he doesn't have diagnostic depression. Also, I have to say that before me he never had a healthy relationship.

I'm not sure why he wasn't supportive but what I know is that everything was great while I was a positive giver and now when I'm not like that anymore maybe he isn't able to deal with it or he just doesn't love me that much as he says. That is what was bothering me and caused me dissatisfaction.

 

Has he gotten a second opinion about his mental health? What does "positive giver" mean - do you mean you give in a relationship ? Doesn't everyone -isn't that a given -to be in a relationship you have to give of yourself, yes? I'd get down to basics here so that you don't have an excuse to be confused. It's not easy but it seems pretty simple that the bad stuff outweighs the good and has for a long time.

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Has he gotten a second opinion about his mental health? What does "positive giver" mean - do you mean you give in a relationship ? Doesn't everyone -isn't that a given -to be in a relationship you have to give of yourself, yes? I'd get down to basics here so that you don't have an excuse to be confused. It's not easy but it seems pretty simple that the bad stuff outweighs the good and has for a long time.

 

No, as far as I know about the second option. Yes, I agree that people in a relationship should have a positive impact on each other and give some value which we don't have anymore. When I said that about giving, I meant that during our relationship I become different and that maybe he wasn't able to cope with my moods as he has his own issues while it was good when it was the opposite. It seems so, unfortunately.

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No, as far as I know about the second option. Yes, I agree that people in a relationship should have a positive impact on each other and give some value which we don't have anymore. When I said that about giving, I meant that during our relationship I become different and that maybe he wasn't able to cope with my moods as he has his own issues while it was good when it was the opposite. It seems so, unfortunately.

 

Hmm - so basically you two are no longer playing nicely in the sandbox and the bad outweighs the good. I don't think it's about "coping with moods" You do you -you cope with your moods. He doesn't have to be subjected to them in any real way - meaning if you are in a bad mood then as an adult you take care of you and if you tell him that you are in a bad mood, you don't want to take it out on him so you are going to [fill in action]. Or don't tell him if he doesn't have to be around you. This is not about a passive approach -it's an active approach whether you are with him or with anyone else. It doesn't "seem so" - it is or it isn't. You cannot control your feelings. You can control your reactions to your feelings. As can he.

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Hmm - so basically you two are no longer playing nicely in the sandbox and the bad outweighs the good. I don't think it's about "coping with moods" You do you -you cope with your moods. He doesn't have to be subjected to them in any real way - meaning if you are in a bad mood then as an adult you take care of you and if you tell him that you are in a bad mood, you don't want to take it out on him so you are going to [fill in action]. Or don't tell him if he doesn't have to be around you. This is not about a passive approach -it's an active approach whether you are with him or with anyone else. It doesn't "seem so" - it is or it isn't. You cannot control your feelings. You can control your reactions to your feelings. As can he.

 

Yes, in the end, we are responsible for our own feelings or how do we react. I know it is so but it was hard for me to control my emotions because I was in chaos myself as he was. That’s why it is best to sort yourself out before you get in a relationship but it is what it is now.

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Sorry about all this.

 

I know it's hard, when you're in the swirl of so many Big Feelings, but if you zoom out a bit and a get surgical? You are describing a relationship that was good for 5 months, during which you spent much less time together than most people, and has been getting increasingly less good for 13 months straight. Less good in the sense that you two don't seem to get along when it counts. Less good in the sense that each of you, in your spirits, feel pretty drained and dragged down. Less good in the sense that neither of you bring out a graceful side in the other when it's needed.

 

Imagine you were describing something essential to your life but less emotionally heated—like, say, a car you purchased. You'd be describing a car that started and ran well a few times, for a short stretch, but since then has stalled and left you stranded way more often than it has helped you reach your destination. You'd be describing a lot of time with mechanics, after which the car still stalls, sputters. Your attachment to the car, in short, would be less connected to anything it actually offered your life than what you hoped it would.

 

Crude analogy, given the complexity of human connection. But I offer it so you can see all this not just clearly, but pragmatically. Sometimes things we invest heavily in—emotionally, financially—prove to not work very well. It really hurts. But I do think there is greater pain in attempting to reject that as a fact of life when it becomes a fact of our own lives.

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Yes, in the end, we are responsible for our own feelings or how do we react. I know it is so but it was hard for me to control my emotions because I was in chaos myself as he was. That’s why it is best to sort yourself out before you get in a relationship but it is what it is now.

 

Yes it is hard to control your reactions -I agree with not controlling emotions -impossible. But it is not "it is what it is" - you control your reactions to your emotions whether you are in chaos or not. We will always have crises and chaos -impossible to prevent that in any relationship. But if you want to be in a relationship you have to own your reactions and be able to choose reactions that are appropriate and show that you care about the other person. We all lose it sometimes. But if it's more than sometimes it's a problem and if losing it involves violence of course that's not ok.

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he was going through a tough period of looking for a job after college and self-reflecting, and of course I was always by his side and it worked great. Then we saw each other and spent two weeks together and it didn't go that well because I didn't organize some things which I was supposed to which led to negative energy between us

 

After that meeting we had, we started arguing and blaming each other for why the time we spent together was bad when every previous time was wonderful

 

we stayed together because we were already in love but I wasn't truly completely happy after that. I think I was happy to have him but I was missing something because he was never as he used to be.

, we kept seeing each other but it wasn’t as great for me as it was in the beginning

, he criticized me and pressured me to find out what I wanted out of life and he said that he did it for my sake even it didn't feel good. This led to my frustration and dissatisfaction which I started to express by constantly arguing with him,

 

I felt as something was missing for me all the time).

 

Being at a distance is a challenge to begin with... I feel YOU are done with this.

Too many complications. Just not working out,

 

IF you feel so much negativity and just 'not happy'... why continue?

 

I think you felt somewhat neglected and unappreciated by him.

 

if it’s better to break up but I just couldn’t because I really love him and somehow I was hoping things would get better

And then you two felt more 'at peace', when not communicating? :/

 

So, these few days we talked and he practically told me that he needs to spend some time alone to decide what he wants, on what I told him that he had enough days to figure that out. I said that my opinion is that whether we break up and completely stop communicating or we move in together

- Yah, I get it..to actually try for real- being present and closer- to see if it will work at all. - Not crazy.

 

I have to mention that he mostly blames me for our fights, by saying how he was never enough for me and he even said that I was emotionally abusing him and that I should at least give me some space back now

- I read a book called men are from mars, women from venus.. They do not act/ react or function like we do.

IF they say they need 'their space' - Give it to them! You keep pushing, it will cause more problems.

Men often need to go to ther 'man cave' to work thru their issues.

 

Sadly, it sounds like what you wanted, you didn't get.

 

If he will not accept the chance to have you live together by now- but he is pulling away.. Is a fail I think :(.

Is just not working out.

 

I suggest you lave him be.. let him actually 'think'. If he comes around in next week or two- good.

See IF he wants to try what you suggested.. If Not.. I say end it all.

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he was going through a tough period of looking for a job after college and self-reflecting, and of course I was always by his side and it worked great. Then we saw each other and spent two weeks together and it didn't go that well because I didn't organize some things which I was supposed to which led to negative energy between us

 

After that meeting we had, we started arguing and blaming each other for why the time we spent together was bad when every previous time was wonderful

 

we stayed together because we were already in love but I wasn't truly completely happy after that. I think I was happy to have him but I was missing something because he was never as he used to be.

, we kept seeing each other but it wasn’t as great for me as it was in the beginning

, he criticized me and pressured me to find out what I wanted out of life and he said that he did it for my sake even it didn't feel good. This led to my frustration and dissatisfaction which I started to express by constantly arguing with him,

 

I felt as something was missing for me all the time).

 

Being at a distance is a challenge to begin with... I feel YOU are done with this.

Too many complications. Just not working out,

 

IF you feel so much negativity and just 'not happy'... why continue?

 

I think you felt somewhat neglected and unappreciated by him.

 

if it’s better to break up but I just couldn’t because I really love him and somehow I was hoping things would get better

And then you two felt more 'at peace', when not communicating? :/

 

So, these few days we talked and he practically told me that he needs to spend some time alone to decide what he wants, on what I told him that he had enough days to figure that out. I said that my opinion is that whether we break up and completely stop communicating or we move in together

- Yah, I get it..to actually try for real- being present and closer- to see if it will work at all. - Not crazy.

 

I have to mention that he mostly blames me for our fights, by saying how he was never enough for me and he even said that I was emotionally abusing him and that I should at least give me some space back now

- I read a book called men are from mars, women from venus.. They do not act/ react or function like we do.

IF they say they need 'their space' - Give it to them! You keep pushing, it will cause more problems.

Men often need to go to ther 'man cave' to work thru their issues.

 

Sadly, it sounds like what you wanted, you didn't get.

 

If he will not accept the chance to have you live together by now- but he is pulling away.. Is a fail I think :(.

Is just not working out.

 

I suggest you lave him be.. let him actually 'think'. If he comes around in next week or two- good.

See IF he wants to try what you suggested.. If Not.. I say end it all.

 

Exactly, I felt a bit neglected and unappreciated.

We were in peace after we have been fighting for some days or weeks, otherwise, we really missed each other but it's normal to feel the relief after you are mostly fighting with someone and there isn't any positivity.

I am glad that someone agrees with me, that was exactly my point. Hmm, speaking of it, I know that he has kind of commitment issues but that is something from childhood and past and I knew about it. It is not that I want to justify him but of course that these things have an impact.

Yes, we will see what is going to happen. Thank you for your advice.

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Exactly, I felt a bit neglected and unappreciated.

We were in peace after we have been fighting for some days or weeks, otherwise, we really missed each other but it's normal to feel the relief after you are mostly fighting with someone and there isn't any positivity.

I am glad that someone agrees with me, that was exactly my point. Hmm, speaking of it, I know that he has kind of commitment issues but that is something from childhood and past and I knew about it. It is not that I want to justify him but of course that these things have an impact.

Yes, we will see what is going to happen. Thank you for your advice.

 

I don't think she was simply validating your feelings. I agree with her input. Many people have "commitment issues" of some sort or some childhood stuff - and - when they meet the right person and click in a healthful way they are often willing to take the leap that commitment requires and/or work out those issues, proceed despite fear or some combo of the two. It's most often a choice. I agree - let him be -give him twice the space he claims to want -and if he doesn't want to risk losing you to someone else he will do what it takes to be the right person for you.

Missing each other is normal. It can motivate people to work on the relationship and resolve things. But the real work is once you reconnect whether you can enjoy each other day to day.

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  • 1 month later...

I would just like to write an update on my story and say that most of you were right since my, now ex-boyfriend decided to break up with me just two weeks after I wrote this post.

 

My concern back then was if I should give him that time and space that he asked for or if maybe I should end it since it was really hard and painful to be in that situation.

 

However, if you read my entire post, you will see what was happening during that time. This situation lasted for one month. After our last but not so serious fight (they were frequent so that was an issue), we decided to take a break with our communication: "After some days, I called him because someone definitely has to do it and thought we would smooth things over as usual but our conversation was different this time. He told me that he hadn't called me earlier because these days were really peaceful for him and a kind of relief (so it was for me) and that he was thinking whether it was smarter to break up or stay together. So, these few days we talked and he practically told me that he needs to spend some time alone to decide what he wants, on what I told him that he had enough days to figure that out. I said that my opinion is that whether we break up and completely stop communicating or we move in together (I know it sounds crazy but I think it would be easier to work on it in real life but I also have to mention that he has always procrastinated with this decision). Basically, he says that he loves me a lot and that is the only thing which keeps him from breaking up. He says that he wants to be with me but that our relationship the last time was nothing but suffering for both of us and that maybe is better for our own sake to stay away from each other."

 

So, after this, the first conversation where he was doubting our relationship, I accepted this in a really normal way and asked him if he wants us to break up straight away instead of procrastinating it if he feels that way. He said that he doesn't want us to break up, that he loves me, and that he doesn't want anything more than having a functional relationship with me but that from the other side he thinks that nothing can help anymore. He said, "If you can't give me at least some time to think about everything and be alone then I don't know what to say". So, I did it. I did it because I love(d) him because I had a faith in our love and because I thought I was doing the right thing and that he will use that space to get back to himself, not to dumb me.

 

As I said, this situation lasted for one month and we were talking each couple of days. I let it be mostly on his initiative because I wanted to give him the space he asked for. During that time I was being nice, understandable, and I was trying to stay positive. He was telling me how he feels bad and sad all the time because of the situation we got in, that he is suffering but always repeating how he loves me and loves me, and so on. It was bad being in that situation but my inner feeling was telling me that we will sort the things out and that everything will be fine.

 

Then, on Wednesday we were talking and he was crying during our entire conversation because of the situation in general and because he felt bad. I was listening to him, trying to make him feel better and I told him that if we truly want it, I am sure that we can work on it and fix it but I wasn't trying to convince him to stay with me. Actually, I told him that I don't want to try to impact his decision. The only thing I wanted us to do is to see each other one more time (after months of being separated) before making any crucial and permanent decision with which he seems to have agreed with me. Then on Friday and Saturday, I saw that he was out with his friends. So, in some way, I was happy for him to see that because I thought that he finally feels better but from the other side, I felt a bit bad because I was sitting home and stressing, while he was out for two nights, without contacting me since Wednesday at all.

 

I felt that I had enough, and I texted him on Sunday intending to not prolong this situation anymore when he said that he was just thinking of calling me. He called me and said that he felt a bit better few previous days because he realized that it isn't working. I completely blacked out and when I heard that I didn't allow him to say much more until the end of our conversation. I told him some awful things because I wanted to hurt him. I couldn't believe that even though I knew he was feeling bad, he was keeping me on hold for an entire month until he sorts his gut feelings out. Even it was an option for me as well, my love was stronger than it and it didn't seem that he really wanted to break it off. I felt betrayed, used, stupid, and hurt!

 

After that, we were arguing for a couple of days which was on my initiative because I was shocked and I was looking for answers. He was refusing to talk more about it because of the "awful things I told him during our last conversation." He said that he doesn't want to see me again after I behaved that way. I mean, I wish that I said nothing and showed zero emotions but I don't know if anyone would be capable to do that in this situation. I can't believe that I gave him that time which he clearly used to encourage himself enough to dumb me. I basically feel that I helped him. I don't understand how can you let someone so easily if you love them? Yeah, it became toxic but if he really loved me he would fight for me and we would find a solution because I was willing to do it. (Ah yes, he thinks that he is the victim in this relationship and that he wasn't able to handle anymore my behaviour because we were fighting a lot. I can say yes, I was mostly initiating fights and sometimes overreacting but it was always something and it takes two for it. It became so hard to maintain our personal issues, long-distance, and prolonged separation because we haven't seen each other in months. In general, it was hard to go back once when we started with that pattern because we couldn't get rid of the tension between us.)

 

Now, it's been a month since we cut off all communication. I feel awful. That's why I am actually writing this "update". From the one side, I really love him and I always did. I mean, even we had our ups and downs I had some strange feeling that he is my soulmate since I met him and that we are meant to be. (I don't believe in those things, it was just my inner feeling) but on the other side, I am sad, I feel anger and disappointment. I am so confused about what happened and I am having many doubts. I think about everything, repeat our conversations in my head, I wonder what I could have done differently and how he could have done it to me, etc. I also feel bad because we had a really messy break-up, followed by heavy words and it follows me like a shadow but I can't contact him since he is the one that decided to break up with me so if we ever speak again, it should probably be on his initiative.

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