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Help me...my boyfriend moved out


Findingnemo94

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Hi everyone. I posted on here recently...about my boyfriend being so moody that it is very upsetting. We have lived together for about almost two years now...

 

However, the other night we had a small minor argument as he said he was going through problems and he didnt know what they were and that he feels like he is overwhelmed with everything. I tried to be supportive and offered to talk through his issues with him however he got rude and snappy and shouted at me that he didn't know what was wrong and that it could be more than his issues and it could be the relationship or me.

 

I then asked him well is it the relationship, do you think you need space?

 

He informed me he think he does and then he abruptly got his stuff and left.

 

I thought he was joking however the next day I rang him and he informed me he had got a bedroom in a shared house in a city 1 hour away near to his work. I was so shocked and hurt by this as he has never wished to be away from me before.

 

My boyfriend also proceeded to tell me he wants his own space, and that he does not want to speak to me much, only when he feels like it and also that he only wants to see me when he feels like it. However, he wants to stay together, he loves me and wants to work on our relationship with a councillor which he has booked for next week.

 

He also said while I'm studying for my final medical exams I have become selfish and it's pushed him away. He also decided to leave 4 days before a final medical examination on Tuesday which can make or break my career which I feel like was a very selfish move on his part and very very hurtful.

 

He also has started seeing a councellor a lot recently who I believe may be maniuplating him as he chose to leave overnight and won't speak to me and has set me on every strict boundaries of when I can speak to him. It's almost like emotional abuse and I am so upset and hurting I can't even begin to explain it. What is going on, is he coming back? He tells me he loves me, and wants to stay together and he doesn't want to break up with me BUT he says he can't live with me or see me and wants space. Which I understand - he is allowed space. The way it was executed was just so harsh and painful.

 

Thank you

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I am so very sorry you are going through this. Please don't give him the privilege of interacting with you at his convenience. I wouldn't see a counselor with him unless his intention is to be in an exclusive relationship where you both have a say on when and how to spend time together. Not just when he feels like it. Please.

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Very sorry to hear this. Don't allow him to place you in this "space" limbo. Distance yourself and focus on your profession. Turn to trusted friends and family.

 

Were there issues before? Does he drink or use drug or is there someone else?

It's almost like emotional abuse and I am so upset and hurting I can't even begin to explain it.
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I am so sorry this is happening to you. This seems like a very unfortunate power play on his part where he very clearly is communicating that he doesn't want to be with you right now, but he also doesn't want you to be with anyone else until he fully decides whether he wants to stay or leave. This is beyond selfish, controlling and unfair. Also, this isn't just some spur of the moment thing. He's clearly been planning this because no one gets a shared one-bedroom the very next day after a fight. He would have had to have been searching for this place for weeks, and then he just unloaded on you to set the stage for him to leave for this new place.

 

If I were you, I would give him all the space he says he wants, and more. You deserve better than to have your heart played with like this. I hope this helps.

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He also has started seeing a councellor a lot recently who I believe may be maniuplating him as he chose to leave overnight and won't speak to me and has set me on every strict boundaries of when I can speak to him.

Sorry you are hurting so much.. it does hurt :(

 

But often, when they 'act' it was often plenty planned out. I do not believe his counsellor was the one - or manipulated anything between you & him.

 

If he has asked for some space, give it to him.. don;'t push him further away.

And if he said he is still into working things out with you, that is a good thing.. Maybe he just feels too pressured etc living there.

 

You are in such pains.. been there :(. But nothing you can do, but work on accepting the situation now.

 

Hopefully he will come around and keep trying. Just remember.. respect.

Give him time to work thru his thoughts & feelings.

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I actually think it's good for him to take some time out to reflect on what he wants, even though I understand it's painful for you.

 

This relationship has been difficult and fraught with conflict and disagreements. Maybe some time away will clarify what it is the BOTH of you want.

 

I do realize this is hard for you.

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To me, if he really wanted to work on the relationship with you, he would do it WITH you instead of by himself.

 

I think he's already checked out of your relationship and is looking to start a new life. He's throwing you a few breadcrumbs, hoping you'll stick around in case he changes his mind down the road. Don't give him that opportunity. Give him all the space he wants...like permanently, and move on.

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he feels like he is overwhelmed with everything. I tried to be supportive and offered to talk through his issues with him

 

It doesn't sound like this is about you. Give yourself a time out also, let the panic and anxiety subside a bit and all that pain. You'll have to focus on your exam. Did the exam already happen? You don't have to understand everything now but I think SarahLancaster hit the nail on the head. This person has already checked out (for his own reasons and issues).

 

Figure out all the logistics and have your survival instincts kick in first and figure out the rest later. It may be months and months before you understand someone like this. I don't think this is about you.

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I'd bet money he had that new living situation sorted out and planned before he left. Kinda convenient to find a place an hour away that fast and move in!

 

I'd tell him to hit the road. He wants everything his way. Who does he think he is? If he needs counselling I sure hope he gets it, he treated you badly and you deserve better.

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He took all his stuff and the next day he already had a room lined up?

 

OP, he planned this. I would put money on the notion that he staged this argument so he could make his exit. And I would not agree to only see or speak to him when it suits him. A relationship cannot be put back together like that. As hurt as you are, I would tell him that communication remains open and mutually-supportive or you won’t be able to continue. My guess is he’s on his way to breaking up with you anyway but doesn’t quite have the courage yet to call it off completely.

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Very sorry to hear this. Don't allow him to place you in this "space" limbo. Distance yourself and focus on your profession. Turn to trusted friends and family.

 

Were there issues before? Does he drink or use drug or is there someone else?

 

 

 

Hi

 

Thanks for all of your lovely responses. There is no drink or drug issues at all. He is just obsessed with gaming and says he needs space to think and be alone and process his issues because when he does try and process his issues, he gets withdrawn & unhappy which in turn affects me and then makes him feel guilty. It was all a bit of an odd story that didn't really fully make sense or add up.

 

Yes we argued, but every couple argues and there was nothing BAD ever going on just some moodiness. I asked him and he said there is no one else.....but I find it hard to believe there isn't.

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I felt like it was so quick so I do agree with you.

 

So thursday pm he came in from work and was very very very moody and wouldn't really speak to me so I asked how his day was. He then proceeded to tell me that everything is wrong in his head, he's confused, got mental health problems (he's on antidepressants anyway and has had a previous suicide attempt before)........he then said he was leaving very abruptly and said he didn't know where he was going to be staying. I said don't go you can stay here...

 

He then said he will 'sort a room out or somewhere to stay at lunch time in work on friday'.

 

By friday lunch time he informed me he had the keys to a place in a city 1 hour away........and he gave someone cash to stay in the room and it's only for 1 month.....I didn't even know you could get rooms that quick :'( I know what you mean all seemed very planned.....I also asked if it was planned and he said no it wasn't he made the decision to leave on thursday night. So thursday night he did actually stay but I stayed in a different room and then by Friday he had a room.

 

:/

 

My heart is genuinley broke he never ever wanted to be apart for any reasons before. He would always give me extra petrol money to come home in the week from my medical placements so we could be together more as he'd miss me......it does all seem calculated and planned doesn't it.

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I am just so confused he has said this since he left over the phone.....(I only called once to know where he was as I was worried about him)....:

 

I still love you

My feelings towards you haven't changed

There is no one else

There is no drugs involved

This is the best thing for both of us

WE ARE STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP WE HAVENT BROKEN UP SO I DON'T KNOW WHY YOUR MUM THINKS WE HAVE (he randomly text my mum about hiring a moving van before I even told her what had happened so she didn't have a clue what was going on which is fair enough).......

I will still see you

Maybe in a months time we can live separately but see each other more regularly......even if we lived apart but had a full blown relationship again where we saw each other every day...

You can reach out to me whenever you want...I will always get back to you

However, I will be more quieter than usual as I need to 'sort my problems out and be on my own'

 

 

NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE EVERYTHING WAS ABSOLUTLEY FINE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP APART FROM HIM BEING A BIT GRUMPY SOMETIMES :'(

 

The reason I am finding this so hard to accept...and in so much turmoil.....is because I dont actually have an answer as to why he left so abruptly......after 2 years of living together and being fine together this should never happen..............with no explanation.......so abruptly.....before my FINAL EXAM THAT MY CAREER DEPENDS ON

 

Please someone tell me is it true he is starting a new life....without me....and is just throwing me crumbs until he figures out what he wants :'( Is this all just a big game to him......is he going to leave me in a few weeks time?

 

He said he has also invested money into this councellor to make it work....because he wants nothing more than to be together without him being unhappy....im not controlling....I do anything for him......I can't think of anything i've done wrong or to hurt him at all...........why does he need to see a councellor with me in order to figure this all out :'( I am distraught

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I am so sorry this is happening to you. This seems like a very unfortunate power play on his part where he very clearly is communicating that he doesn't want to be with you right now, but he also doesn't want you to be with anyone else until he fully decides whether he wants to stay or leave. This is beyond selfish, controlling and unfair. Also, this isn't just some spur of the moment thing. He's clearly been planning this because no one gets a shared one-bedroom the very next day after a fight. He would have had to have been searching for this place for weeks, and then he just unloaded on you to set the stage for him to leave for this new place.

 

If I were you, I would give him all the space he says he wants, and more. You deserve better than to have your heart played with like this. I hope this helps.

 

 

 

Thank you for your response....he says I can see him whenever I want still and call him whenever but I honestly don't feel like I can as he has also moved out so abruptly with hardly any explanation and wants space and I am SO HURT and emotional that I cant just call him and have a normal conversation.....is he insane?

 

.....he says he has PTSD.....some other stuff going on....bla bla bla.......there was just a ridiculous amount of information.

 

Do I just not speak to him at all?

 

Do you think he will come back to me and realise he's made a mistake?

 

Do you all think that he has honestly just left but doesn't have the balls to break up with me...why would he try councelling .... why wouldn't he just leave instead isn't that easier?

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Please someone tell me is it true he is starting a new life....without me....and is just throwing me crumbs until he figures out what he wants :'( Is this all just a big game to him......is he going to leave me in a few weeks time?

 

We can't possibly answer that, OP. Only he can.

 

The way he's handling this is horrible. I don't buy for one moment that he hadn't already arranged this new accommodation beforehand, and the fact that he texted your mother about a moving van? And expects that you two are still an item? There is something seriously wrong with this guy.

 

It doesn't make sense to you because I don't think he's being honest with you. You don't have all the puzzle pieces so the puzzle isn't fitting together.

 

Have you ever seen this erratic side to him before?

 

EDIT: Is this the same "gambling, pathological lying, selfish" man that you broke up with before? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=557906

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Unfortunately someone with this many untreated or under-treated health issues, he is not a good candidate to have as a bf, no less living with you. He may have times of being ok, but that will cycle again and again to this kind of withdrawal, moods, issues, etc.

 

If you want stability in your life you need to let him go and end things definitively. Moving out is de facto ending it, so don't listen to his confusing words. He needs mental health care, not a relationship.

 

Someone like this will just drag you down and wreak havoc with your life, happiness, success and well being. Let go. Let him go.

He then proceeded to tell me that everything is wrong in his head, he's confused, got mental health problems (he's on antidepressants anyway and has had a previous suicide attempt before).
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Everything wasn't "fine". You two were arguing frequently. He was upset that you were often asking him if he was OK or if everything was OK between you two.

 

I don't know, despite what he says his actions seem like someone who is easing out of the relationship. It's up to you if you want to wait around for him to make up his mind.

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I tried to be supportive and offered to talk through his issues with him however he got rude and snappy and shouted at me that he didn't know what was wrong and that it could be more than his issues and it could be the relationship or me.

 

I then asked him well is it the relationship, do you think you need space?

 

He informed me he think he does and then he abruptly got his stuff and left.

 

I'm going back to the above and his reaction towards you. This isn't a stable person. Shouting and snapping are signs of verbal and emotional abuse. Whatever he's going through shouldn't warrant that and if there have been patterns of this happening or getting worse, I think you should count your blessings it's over. Treat him moving out as the relationship being over (as you know it). Don't move back in together and don't allow him to move back in with you. Create better boundaries going forward. It doesn't mean that your care or affection for this person ends... these are human emotions that carry on regardless of what's happening in the breakdown of the relationship. You can remain empathetic or compassionate but you really need to work on those boundaries. This means that you no longer pick up his phone calls or text messages at odd times of the day for example and you don't drop everything to run to his every emergency or issue if he contacts you again.

 

My read on it is this person doesn't have the ability to carry on a relationship in the long term. You've lived together for about two years - this is around the time when veils start to lift and facades start to crack. A lot of the charade in the earlier part of a relationship starts to wear off because the daily monotony of every day life starts to surface and you both start to see (intimately) what the other is.

 

What's done is done. So go on and keep studying for your exam, grieve after the exam and figure things out after your exam. Don't move in together again and give yourself a lot of time to figure out whether you can support this type of volatility in your life. His reasons for moving out may have made sense to him at the time but it also showed a lot of disregard and lack of consideration for you. It's always a two way street no matter how valid it may seem to one person. You can go on later to decide whether this behaviour is something you can live with despite loving this person the way you do. The love may be there but the relationship is not workable. Whatever you do, do not agree to moving in together again.

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The last thing you need to be thinking about right now is this guy. He is toxic. The answer to ALL of your why's is - he is toxic, he is disordered and he is doing what disordered toxic people do. As a soon to be medical professional, you should have studied a little something about personality disorders and you should know at minimum that it's not something that can be fixed just because you love him or care, not even by the best psychiatrists who actually specialize in that. So there is your whyyyyy.

 

Also agree with whoever said that you can't connect the dots when the person you are dealing with is intentionally lying and manipulating you.

 

What you can do for right now is step away. Turn off your phone and turn 100% of your focus on your exams and doing whatever you need to do to pass them. Once you are done, then you can spend some time thinking about this situation and more importantly WHY do YOU latch on to disordered, toxic men? This going by your previous threads as well, not sure if it's the same guy or different ones, but it doesn't really matter. What matters is that there is something about toxic dynamics that is attractive to you and that's the question to you need to solve for yourself if you ever want to have a healthy, happy relationship. You are currently too good at lying to yourself about "things were going great" - no, you cannot have great with someone who is disordered.

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My read on it is this person doesn't have the ability to carry on a relationship in the long term. You've lived together for about two years - this is around the time when veils start to lift and facades start to crack. A lot of the charade in the earlier part of a relationship starts to wear off because the daily monotony of every day life starts to surface and you both start to see (intimately) what the other is.

 

If this is the same man from her previous threads, (and I think it is, as the details are similar)...the veil actually came off long before now.

 

The dysfunction runs deep on this one. OP, I hope you return and can clarify if this is the same toxic relationship you've written about before. If it is, things have never been stable between you two and he's always been a very shady and unstable character.

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I went through something very similar last year with my partner of 3 years moving out and wanting space but also wanting to stay together. It lasted about 3 months and I finally had to end it as I was constantly in limbo.

 

My advice to you after being through this is to give him the space he needs. If he doesn’t come back and continues to string you a long by telling you he needs space but still wants to be with you. I would personally break it off for your own mental health. If someone wants to be with you they will. What he does after this will be very telling. In my situation, I didn’t hear from him again and found out two months later he had been seeing someone else which crushed me but I don’t regret allowing myself to be free of the emotional stress those 3 months caused. It also allowed me to move on and meet someone else. I’ve had friends who have experienced the opposite where their boyfriends have come back realising what they nearly lost.

 

I am really sorry you are going through this.

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