Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 26

Thread: Is it time to move on?

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2020
    Posts
    10

    Is it time to move on?

    Hi everyone, need some advice from a neutral perspective, will try and keep it brief.
    I met a girl 7 years ago, we were the best of friends but both married. Then one day 4 years ago she told me her relationship was over, that's when I realised I had feelings, I could feel the blood draining from my face and my stomach turned. My marriage was also on the rocks, we drifted apart and separated over 2 years ago.
    After some time we decided to make a go of it. It had always been a turbulent friendship, little did I know that she loved me the whole time and suffered quite a lot with seeing family social media posts etc.
    Early last year she decided we should go separate ways as it wasn't working which came as a surprise to me, I was suffering with some personal issues, I almost lost my job and sunk into depression and severe anxiety. I managed to talk her round after a few months of pleading, I was a mess.
    I managed to sort myself out, things had been great then lockdown happened. We were apart and she resented me for it, I waited too long in the past and should have been living with her. Again after a month she let me back in, then the revelation that her family disliked me because of how bad it looked with ex partners and how it looked like we were home wreckers, she sobbed so much. So I was dumped again, her family mean everything to her. I said some awful but truthful things about our sex life which she uses against me at every opportunity. Again, I talked her round and we had some lovely days together including my birthday but she wasn't affectionate and said she still needed time, I was happy to be patient until I made a joke in passing a few weeks ago but she lost her mind and said I'm pressuring her. I asked because I was planning a romantic evening as a surprise, I booked a restaurant and I had bought her an eternity ring, something we had talked about. She blocked me everywhere and said we are over, I have no way of contacting her other than email. She insulted me which left me in tears and I let rip, I told her some home truths and was nasty about one of her sisters. This all happened three weeks ago, by now shes normally calmed down a bit but she's insisting we are over and it still being cold, despite me having a health scare. She tells me she's moving on and is looking forward to dating again and getting to know someone else, she doesn't feel the same about me anymore.
    So my question is, is this now time to admit defeat as this is becoming a bit toxic? I feel I should but I've never felt this way about anyone before, she used to say the same about me. Or do I give her time and space? Just to add, she suffers with jealousy and has trust issues, she's been known to ruin nights out for me or if ever one of us is on holiday it's a guaranteed argument. I do get a bit of unwanted female attention from time to time but my head will never be turned.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    6,800
    Gender
    Female
    Good grief it's long past time to put this to rest. You two cant get along, treat each other poorly, so why are you hanging on to something that just isn't working? She seems to have many issues that may benefit from some counselling, and so do you. You should work on you, get sorted out, and then you can date someone new.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    4,543
    Both of you need time to sort out the ends of your marriages. You mentioned you've been separated for two years but are you divorced? Let the divorce go through on your side and take your time. Someone who pressures you isn't in the best frame of mind or headspace enough to support a relationship. It doesn't sound healthy.

    What's happening now anyway doesn't leave you much of a choice because she's ended things so let it be. You have your work to handle now if it's a new job. Try and get back on your feet and set up a nice, comfortable life for yourself before getting back into dating again. Don't be swayed by what others have done in the past or what she or others are doing. It may feel like a competition but it's not. You create your own rules and do as you feel is right for you and stick to what you feel is best. Don't stand by for insults and bullying. Just cut off that contact respectfully and move forwards.

    Maybe both of you trauma-bonded and clung to each other in the uncertainty of your marriages ending earlier. Let it go. You have to grow forwards and learn to be independent before you can love again or give yourself fully to a relationship. I don't like the way she's so emotional about your respective families' judgment of the both of you. I didn't have the support of my family actually when I was separating - it was hard for anyone to understand and I stopped justifying it and found other sources of support. I think you need to find someone more resilient and independent like you if you aren't so easily irked by what others think of your marriage failing. Move forwards, put this behind you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Posts
    2,323
    Gender
    Female
    You said it yourself, she has issues. Surely you can see this would never have worked even on one of her good days. I think you need to sort yourself out mentally, and completely step away from her...like forever. And as for you, if you love someone, you don't belittle them, insult them, and purposely hurt them, because you are upset about something. If you keep that process up, you will continue to be kicked to the curb by future Gfs. You were just as much to blame as her, for contributing to the toxicity of this relaiotnship.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2020
    Posts
    10
    I am to blame and I'm fully accepting of that. I've apologised on numerous occasions for my part, she never has and never will. I think it was because she's literally had me jumping through hoops all summer during a pandemic and i thought I deserved better than the way she was treating me, it built up inside especially when she blocked me, wouldn't take my calls etc and basically belittled me for the way I handled the death of my mother. I can't explain it, we go months where we make some wonderful memories and then one day all hell breaks loose! But thanks for the advice, I may lose my head when pushed to the absolute limit but I want better for myself... I never argued once with my ex wife in 12 years though. I know it will break me seeing her with someone else, turns my stomach.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    6,917
    Yup- move on.. you two sound toxic together :/.
    Do NOT bother her anymore. Leave it alone now.

    I do not believe.. ' you never felt this way about anyone before'.. YOu married before, yes?
    I feel it was all 'lust' for you and is always great, in the beginning. ( honeymoon phase).

    She just didnt have it in her, is how I see it.

    Early last year she decided we should go separate ways as it wasn't working which came as a surprise to me, I was suffering with some personal issues, I almost lost my job and sunk into depression and severe anxiety. I managed to talk her round after a few months of pleading, I was a mess.
    - Yeah, you said it.. you were a mess. Not a good thing to bring onto a partner - most probable a large issue.


    one day 4 years ago she told me her relationship was over, that's when I realised I had feelings, I could feel the blood draining from my face and my stomach turned. My marriage was also on the rocks, we drifted apart and separated over 2 years ago.
    - IMO, this is when you should have moved along.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    10,919
    Originally Posted by Loneranger77
    So my question is, is this now time to admit defeat as this is becoming a bit toxic?
    Becoming a bit toxic?

    My guy, this has been extraordinarily toxic for a long time. You need to take the blinders off and realize this is never going to work.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Posts
    2,323
    Gender
    Female
    She sounds a bit of a narcissists, might have borderline personality disorder. When someone behaves that badly and doesn't take any accountability, that's emotional abuse. She is an abuser. I know, I was in an abusive relationship and staying with them, or chasing them is a sickness. Man you need to get this girl out of your life. Block/delete, stop stalking her on social media. When I look back on my experience, I wish I never cared so much for that person. It was so unhealthy.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    23,402
    Long over. Toxic and dramatic.

    Time to move on!

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2020
    Posts
    10
    Originally Posted by smackie9
    She sounds a bit of a narcissists, might have borderline personality disorder. When someone behaves that badly and doesn't take any accountability, that's emotional abuse. She is an abuser. I know, I was in an abusive relationship and staying with them, or chasing them is a sickness. Man you need to get this girl out of your life. Block/delete, stop stalking her on social media. When I look back on my experience, I wish I never cared so much for that person. It was so unhealthy.
    You're absolutely right but she thinks I'm the deluded one! Definitely has trust issues, says she trusts me but doesn't trust other women. I'm in far better shape than when we met, I'd say I look younger too and I'm full of confidence. She knows this and her behaviour has got worse, coincidence?

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •