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Thread: Not sure if Iím comfortable with this

  1. #1

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    Sep 2020
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    Not sure if Iím comfortable with this

    Hi all,
    Iíve been with my partner for over four years but recently found out that she cheated on me while overseas last year. In short, weíve agreed to work on our relationship and move on.

    I found out this week that sheís been talking to one of her exís about our relationship problems and it make me very uneasy. She says itís ďnot like thatĒ but after everything I just don't know that Iím comfortable with it but I canít exactly push the issue with her because I donít want her to feel like Iím controlling her or telling her she canít speak to people. I feel like it would be different if I knew the guy or if sheíd been in touch with him the whole time we were dating but sheís only just got back in touch with him.

    In my head all I can think is ďHow does she think this is an appropriate person to speak to about this and how can I trust that when sheís having a bad day, he wonít try to take advantage of it?Ē

    Iím curious about other peopleís similar experiences and how you might raise the issue with a long term partner.

    Thanks.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    There's a lot of distrust there. Have you both considered couple's counseling? The communication lines have broken down between the both of you.

  3. #3

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    Rose,
    Yes, a lot. Which isnít really surprising after a trusted partner cheating then lying about it for months.
    Unfortunately where we live is in hard lockdown due to covid and online counciling sessions seem to be booked out till October with most places.

  4. #4
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    In spite of what some say, my thoughts are you can never fully recover from infidelity. When the trust is no longer there, there's always a dark cloud hanging over your head which never goes away. JMO...

    Since she clearly demonstrated for a second time what she's made of, therefore maybe it's time to lay your cards on the table and look at the road ahead.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Have you explained your feelings to her in the same way you've explained them here? In short, have you expressed that, while you have no interest in being in a relationship where you tell your partner what she can and can't do, you also cannot be in one, particularly in light of recent history and wounds that remain fresh, in which your partner needs to reach out and confide in an ex for comfort?

    In your shoes, I would make that clearóonce, calmlyóand then listen to how she reacts and take note of how she handles herself knowing your feelings. Her response would guide my next steps, though I'd already be prepared to step away if I didn't get the response I needed to continue to be vulnerable. I'd likely have a private timeline of how long I was willing to observe the state of the union, so to speak. Whether you've reached that point internallyówell, only you know that.

    All that said, I suspect you may already know that you are working with some cards stacked against you. She has been unfaithful, which is to say that she made a choice to handle conflict (internal, with you, whatever) in a way that was corrosive to your bond. A year later, it is very, very hard to not see that pattern repeating itself. Can't help but ask: Do you believe, in your core, that she sincerely wants to be in this relationship? Do you believe, in your core, that you do?

    October is not far away. Get a session booked now. Wherever this all goes, you will find peace in knowing you did everything to understand it.

  7. #6

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    Thatís a real fear of mine. I love her but I donít want to just let her walk all over me. At the same time, I donít want to end it if thereís a chance that we can repair most of the damage and get back to a state of normality.
    It feels like a constant uphill battle and I feel a bit like a .

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Have you searched for online couples counselling?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by K238
    state of normality.
    I think both of you have to establish what this is - that new state of normality. What's done can't be undone. The only thing that can happen now is to evolve together but you're not evolving together.

    What were the first three years of the relationship like?

  10. #9
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Believe me, ď it IS like that ď.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
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    Rule of thumb for cheaters:

    If you've had sex with someone, they cannot be your confidante about your marriage problems.

    Rule of thumb for the betrayed partner:

    Any contact with the affair partner is a continuation of betrayal.

    Decision time for you!

    Do you really want this in your life?

    She has not changed.

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