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Thread: Struggling with my emotions after a toxic relationship

  1. #1

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    Sep 2020
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    Struggling with my emotions after a toxic relationship

    Hello,

    The reason I'm posting is because I'm struggling to pinpoint why I'm so angry with my ex. We've been split up for 7/8 months. The break up happened about a month before the COVID 19 pandemic hit the country hard. Living in Europe so it's been pretty nasty over here. I don't know if this matters but I'd also like to add that we're both in our early 20's.

    I've had an extreme mix of emotions due to the break up over the last few months. It's been a cycle of feeling sad, angry, numb, happy and still to this day that cycle has continued. Really they're normal emotions to have after a break up but it's been nearly 8 months. Thing is, our relationship was toxic. Even after we broke up we still argued when we occasionally spoke. If I spoke about everything bad that's happened from when we first got together up until right now, I'd be typing for days. When I say the relationship was toxic, I don't mean there was physical abuse, just emotional. We tried to calm things down and be civil afterwards but it was just a constant cycle of being nice, then being nasty and then not talking for weeks/months. It got to the point where I removed her from my social media, not just for me but for the sake of both of us. In saying all of this, there are good memories.

    I found out that ex is seeing someone new and honestly It's been on my mind constantly. The frustrating thing is that I don't know why. The obvious answer is because your ex has moved on but I feel like it's more than that. My ex was awful to me and I didn't want to be with her. I can't pinpoint exactly why I'm annoyed and that's why I'm here. As immature as it seems I don't know if I actually miss my ex girlfriend or if I'm annoyed that she's moved on before me even after how badly she treated me. It's made me do a lot of reflecting over our relationship and honestly, I don't know if I've been lying to myself. I've been telling myself that she's toxic for months. Arguments before and after the break up I've blamed on her. I've always understood that I wasn't perfect in the relationship and maybe I could have done things differently but I never considered myself toxic or unreasonable. Thing is at this stage I'm starting to doubt myself. I'm starting to think maybe I had been toxic both before and after the break up and I've convinced myself I wasn't? Maybe this is why I'm missing her or maybe I am annoyed that she's happy? I feel like If I could understand why I have these feelings of anger and sadness I'll finally be able to move on and get over it.

    In terms of her and her new boyfriend, I know its very unhealthy to be thinking about it a lot and comparing myself to him. It kills my self esteem. Me and this guy are the complete opposites. He's taller, muscly, sporty and has a drivers license so I'm assuming he has a stable income. Me on the other hand I'm average height, a thin build, I only occasionally work out, I don't have my licence and I've been in and out of jobs due to COVID. The thing is if this was some random guy I seen on the street I wouldn't look at him and feel like he's better than me. I feel this way because he's seeing my ex. I don't know if I'm comparing myself because I miss my ex or I just don't want her being with someone who's further on in his life than I am. I know that's extremely childish and I'm trying to stop these feelings but I can't help it. In saying that, I'm normally fairly confident in myself when it comes to my appearance and what I can add to a relationships with friends, family and a girlfriend.

    On the topic of possibly not missing her and just being annoyed that she has moved on before me, I will say this. Today I had dinner with my sister and her boyfriend. Me and my ex would regularly spend time with them when we were together. I sat at the table, looking at an empty seat wishing my ex was sitting there with us. I felt horrible the whole time I was there and barely spoke. You could argue that maybe I just miss being in a relationship but no other person came to my mind. I've tried speaking with new girls but I've lost interest very quickly and at this point I just don't speak with anyone other than my family and friends. People are telling me to get back out there but I'm not motivated to do that which annoys me even more because she had no problem doing it.

    I'm not going to sugar coat anything. This has been on my mind non stop. There's times when I'm busy that I don't think about it but when I'm not busy I think about it a seriously unhealthy amount. I understand there may be an underlying issue with my health and that is something I am looking into getting fixed in the form of counselling. In saying that, it's hard to afford weekly counselling sessions when I'm currently not working. That's why I'm here really. I'm just looking to see if anyone has ever been in a similar situation that could give me some advice on how to figure out what's causing my emotions to act this way.

    To finish off, I don't know if I miss her or I'm jealous that she's moved on before me. I don't know if the emotional abuse she gave me was stemmed by the way I acted or vice versa. I'd appreciate if anyone who replies would refrain from negative comments. Please don't leave comments saying just get over it, I've been trying so hard. I just want something constructive to help me get through what's been a tough couple of months. I don't want to give too much detail into arguments during and after the relationship but if anyone is interested then feel free to private message me for details so you can give your own opinion on the matter. It would really help.

    Quite long but if you've made it this far then thank you.

  2. #2

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    I'd just like to add that I know some of these feelings of jealousy towards her moving on are immature. I don't want to feel that way at all. I just want the feelings no matter what they are to stop.

  3. #3

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    Also the relationship was 2 years long.

  4. #4
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    How did you find out she was dating someone?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You seem to have a lot of insight into what went on. This in itself is toxic thinking.
    maybe I am annoyed that she's happy

  7. #6
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Are you working right now?

    Are you doing anything about getting your driver license?

    What do you do to fill your time? Are you being productive or are you spending hours on social media?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    It's been 8 months and sometimes the way to stop is to actually force yourself to stop. You already recognize that this isn't good for you, so you are already ahead on that. The hard part is the actual work of interrupting those thoughts until...they go away. It's a process, but sometimes it does take some actual willpower. For example, when you aren't busy and starting to ruminate.....the moment you realize you are doing that, stop, make yourself do or think about something else. It will be hard because you'll want to return to that thinking but you just keep interrupting it. You literally have to tell yourself - "nope not thinking about her" and then go do something else.

    Ways to make that easier for yourself is find something else to occupy you - project to work on, hobby, learn something new, read something, watch a comedy, pretty much do anything to force yourself out of that rut because that's what it's become - stuck in a rut.

    The other part is completely cut all contact with your ex - no talking, no looking her up on social media, no following what she is doing and with who, any friends who might know what's going on with her, ask them to never mention her to you. You have to disconnect 100%.

    Getting past a relationship that was toxic is actually way harder than any normal break up. Emotional abuse does leave some damage that will take time and work to repair. It sounds like you very much understand that and are doing something to address it. I think once you start putting in that work, you'll be fine. Just be kind to yourself and understand that it does take time and that healing isn't linear - you'll have some good day and some bad ones. It's just that the bad days will start to become fewer and further apart until one day you are at peace. It's a process you have to ride out to the finish line.

  9. #8

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    My sister is still friends with her on social media. She didn't know we were on bad terms and she ended up telling me a week ago or so.

  10. #9

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    I understand having feelings of anger about her being happy is toxic. It's something I'm working on.

  11. #10

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    I was let go of my job due to the pandemic. I found another temporary job but that contract has expired so no I'm currently seeking work.
    I'm currently studying for my theory test but I can't book a test until February due to the back log that the virus has caused.
    To fill my time I've been going to the gym, speaking with friends and family, learning to cook and studying for my theory test.
    I have days when I'm not productive. I can't do a lot of things I would normally do due to the virus.

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