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Thread: Does resentment towards an ex means i haven't moved on ?

  1. #1
    Member MrsWise's Avatar
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    Does resentment towards an ex means i haven't moved on ?

    When we met online, we hit it off. we met in person and the connection and chemistry was undeniable. He stayed at my flat for 2 weeks.And he asked me to be exclusive but the problem is we live hours apart. But he said we will make it work. When he return to his town, he confessed to me shortly that he slept with his ex. According to him she started reaching out to him a week when he was planning to see me and she knew about me as he told her. When he returned home she asked him to hang out and he accepted with intention of just chatting. one thing led to another they ended up having sex.

    he called me crying all remorseful and said he will cut her off for me so i gave him a second chance. only to find out that he started talking behind my back. so i told him forget it. you can have your ex, but he begged me and said he wants me. him and his ex begged me for them to still talk because they are just friends . i finally said yes you can talk. Then a week later he tells that they made plans to hang out..i wasn't having it and at this time i said if you hangout i won't see him again. That's when he agreed and said he didn't want to lose me. but he stayed in contact with his ex behind my back until she lied to him about something, now they don't talk anymore.

    Going forward, the distance didn't help our relationship. He started expressing his discontent by saying that I'm everything he wants in a girl but I'm too far away and sometimes he wants to ask me to hang out after work but he can't. When he broke it off he told me that he still wanted to see me because we had made plans to meet in person prior the distance took it's toll for him

    So we still met and had great time. But before he left, somehow the conversation came up and he expressed his discontent with the distance and said we should see other people. so I said okay even though I was hurt..



    I even started crying. Then he said to call him when I'm ready since he still cares about me. We got back in touch on a casual basis. Then we started talking on regular basis again and made plans to meet. We met then I noticed he was disinterested in sex. We used to do it twice a day whenever he visits me but then we only did it twice for the 4 days we stayed together which was initiated by me. When he got to his town, he told me that he had something to tell me. We made arrangement to talk on the phone to discuss what he wanted to say. When the time came, I called him only for him to start avoiding it as if he was nervous. Then I finally told him to text what he wanted to say. That's when he said, he doesn't feel the same way he used to. I was shocked and hurt. Then he called me 2 days later wanted to see if I was okay. We spoke and he said the last time we hung out he just wasn't feeling it anymore. I said okay. but he still wanted me in his life but told me he will give me space and to text him when I'm ready.

    2 weeks later, he was already texting me telling me he misses me. I ignored these texts as I wanted space but he kept texting telling me that he realized that he misses me etc. I was happy since I missed him too. We started talking again and made plans to meet. When we met we had good time but the sex frequency had decreased and he seemed distance. Once I returned home, he was barely responding to my text. so i said what's up? you don't seem into it anymore. Then he says, 'yes, " I lost feelings " I was hurt once again and sent follow up texts to which he ignored. and that was it. I deleted him on my face book so I can move on. Then 5 months later he returned stating he misses me .

    He added me back on face book and I accepted but told him that we are still 5 hours apart so the same issues that pushed him away are still present so it's best we move on. He responded and said, " I just wanted to see how you're doing" I didn't initiate contact after that until he messaged me again " asking me if I found someone else which is the reason why I'm not calling him? and he left his number and said he misses me.

    I finally texted him and we started talking again like old times and he said he wants to see me. We met and all was well. We had great time. When he return back home, he stopped answering my texts then said the distance is too hard for him. We didn't talk again for another 5 months but this time I didn't delete him on face book. He hardly posted. Then he suddenly liked my new profile picture I had posted after 4 months. Which lead us to start talking again. We made plans to meet again and this time I visited him. All was well but he seemed distance and disinterested. When we had sex he only lasted a min the first time and he apologized which is understandable since I I know it's normal no big deal. But then every time we did which was initiated by me, it he only lasted a min and I suspect he was doing it on purpose after more than 2 times. idk. we use condoms so I couldn't tell. when I returned home, ofcourse things fizzled once again. Rinse and repeat.

    Last time we got back in contact, we had been planning to meet for the last 6 months but the plans kept falling through due to schedule confliction. The days he is off, I'm working and vice versa. finally we made plans to meet and set a date and everything only for him to cancel because he had to bay sit his friends dog which was followed by him losing his job so he can't come to see me. Like I said, I offered to help financially but he didn't respond. He was planning to come to see me but he any money so I told him that I can send him money through Western Union for his ticket but he didn't respond to that then he stopped responding to my texts.


    I started getting worried so I kept sending him numerous texts messages asking how he is and if he is okay to no avail.I then started calling him and he didn't answer.When I get no response from someone I care about I freak out so called him 11 times in row until the phone started ringing once and going to voice mail which means he was pressing the reject button.


    To my horror,he sent me a text message that read ``Please don't contact me anymore``Please I need space``I then apologized for bothering him and told him that I just wanted to see how he is.He didn't respond after that .

    We didn't talk for 2 months until i messaged him and it turned out he met someone closer to him. so went no contact after that..only for him to start reaching out twice over the course of a year telling me he missed me. I gave in, but it wasn't long until he started blowing hot and cold until he stopped initiating contact then ended it again citing the distance and said " maybe in the future when we are at a place we can move". This time I was done with him so i blocked him every where

    Shortly after that, like 4 months later i met another man in my city and fell head over heals with him. I hardly thought about my ex while seeing this new man and it's been 3 years. things between me and this new man didn't work out..until my ex made a fake face book profile to contact me..ofcourse i blocked the account and didn't respond. but it has re opened old wounds..now i think about what my ex put me through. I know I allowed it and shouldn't have walked away sooner now looking back but i had no experiance in dating or to spot any red flags. please don't judge me. I thought things would get better but instead i gave him more opportunity to hurt me. i definately learned from this. does this mean I haven't healed from my ex even though it's been 3 years? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
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    Thereís a book called Heís Scared, Sheís Scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. I very much recommend you get your hands on that and read it.

    Also, be kind to yourself and make a point of catching up with some people who love your face

  3. #3
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    Iím sorry this happened to you. Iím glad heís been blocked. As for still feeling hurt three years later itís natural. I was with a guy for eleven years it took five years afterwards to no longer feel anything. Itís a process, it doesnít mean youíre still in love, it just means thereís some scars he caused that continue to bleed.

  4. #4
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    I think that you haven't forgiven yourself for allowing that "relationship." You also jumped from one relationship to another. You had no time to process that other situation.

    Move at a slower pace with all of your relationships. Insta-relationships never work. If someone is still in any contact with an ex-unless there are kids-get out. If they sleep with someone else, or are found in lies. Leave.

    Most importantly. never think people will change. If he is a cheat and a liar, he will continue to be a cheat and a liar.

    Glad you blocked that creep, what a piece of garbage!

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  6. #5

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    Thanks you for sharing

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    In a lot of ways the healing is more about you and your relationship with yourself.

    When we let ourselves down, by accepting bad behavior from others and putting their happiness ahead of our own, its a major betrayal to ourselves.

    What you may be feeling is distrust and resentment towards yourself.

    it's been years. You're not the same person. your ex is basically a stranger.

    So what can you do? you can start by being kinder to yourself by showing compassion to yourself. remind yourself you learned from the past and every time you find yourself accepting bad behavior, stop. show yourself you will do better by making better choices and cutting off people who try to use you.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Holly and Lambert hit it rather squarely on the head. It seems like a lot of lost time with your ex. Give yourself time before dating again. If you know the reasons why or how you fell into the long distance situation with your ex those years ago, you may be able to make peace with your own decisions back then and let go.

    The three hours difference/commute doesn't make sense. Maybe it was a difficult time back then or this person was so persistent that he broke down all your walls or better senses. He's almost bordering on intrusive and his constant messages months apart to read to me as harassment. He also seems to be contacting you from a social media platform most of the time (facebook) and keeps springing new information on you and abusing your trust. Things never are settled with him or calm.

    If it were me (in order to move forwards), it's not just forgiveness of self that's needed, I would want to know why this person appeared attractive at the time and why I felt compelled to keep responding. It may be more compassion for yourself or it may be a bit of tough love for yourself. Maybe both. I know I would just want to know more of 'why' and 'how' in order to let go and that 'why' or 'how' is more self-reflective. You can't uncover answers about a person who is no longer in your life but you can ask yourself what got you to that point or why you played an active role in all of it.

  9. #8
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    I think you're probably a lot more resentful of yourself for allowing this dodo to yo-you in and out of your life, over and over and over.

    As such, I don't think you aren't over him, really - but you badly need to work on the relationship you have with yourself. You will find greater healing in understanding what led you to attach yourself to someone like him for so long, so that you will never again find yourself in a similar situation.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    YOU gave him way too many chances! :(. ( the push and pull crap). means uncertain,, Plus, he was still into his Ex- so sounds like you were kinda like a rebound! Ugh- been there too. Fps. How inconsiderate!

    Good on you for blocking his 'new acct'! :).
    IMO.. ANY emotion means we are still NOT completely over them. ( your resentment), but is okay to feel what you do.

    Remain quiet- no responding.. No head games.
    Keep moving on.. and in time it will all be less & less. Eventually you just wont care!

    One day at a time :)


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