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Thread: i can't leave but shouldn't stay

  1. #1

    i can't leave but shouldn't stay

    Hi all, heres a short backstory:

    our relationship at the beginning was like a true movie love story: all happy, giddy, and in lust and love. We felt unstoppable and we felt like we were the only two people on this planet that could experience this love. My boyfriend and I have been together for 1.5 years. The first 7 months of the relationship were amazing, it was nothing i've ever had and everything i wanted. We were slightly long distance (3 hours), so we would go back and forth visiting each other until I started my last year of college, where we went back and forth (30 min) between my apartment and his place. The first 7 months were basically our honeymoon phase, he would constantly give me flowers, surprise me with gifts, let me do whatever I wanted, there was never a fight or a bad thing in those 7 months.

    After that, things got a bit rocky when he started to focus all his time on me and none on him. This lead to me being on the receiving end of constant fights, yelling, name calling, expecting more from me, making me feel guilty, and the occasional push of my hands away. This all lead up to a huge fight and explosion on his end, where he said I had to call someone to take me home, get an uber, and said I tricked him into thinking I was something special. I left for a month, and he fell into a depression (which he has gone professionally undiagnosed since he was 12). He has had problems with anxiety and depression, from years of childhood trauma and parental abuse. Ever since the biggest fight we had, where i left for a month to go back home, he has been noticeably more depressed and anxious. I have since then, checked him into therapy where I pay for him to go weekly.

    He has told me things like:
    - if you would have done (blank) and (blank) already, I might have already proposed to you
    - If you weren’t so lazy, you would have already made money
    - Your laziness and unmotivation makes me lazy and unmotivated
    - I have to change myself to have a better relationship with him, my family, and my friends
    - You are a detriment to my mental health
    - You would have never been this successful if it wasn’t for me


    I've been trying my hardest and the best I can to stay in the relationship for many reasons. The biggest is the fear of losing him, I feel like he is my soulmate and best friend, and the good times we have had together outweigh the really bad moments. I fear of losing someone as good as him (kind, gentle, caring, a good listener, someone I could take home to my family, trusting, etc). and never finding someone that treats me as good as he does (when he does treat me good). He always has the best intentions, but his actions don't match up sometimes. Another reason I can't leave is the fear of him committing suicide. He has talked about it a lot recently, and said the stress of our relationship is making it worse. I can't seem to leave but this also tells me I shouldn't stay. I'm trying my best to help in many ways, but I can't seem to be enough. Him being mentally ill is affecting him, our future, his future, my future, and my mental clarity. If we were to have kids, I couldn't bring myself to think that they would have his mental traits.

    Overall, I'm lost as what I should do. I can't leave because of my fear and attachment, and I do believe he can get better and so will our relationship, but I shouldn't stay because it is causing him stress and anxiety being in a relationship with me (and in general). We both don't know what to do, if breaking up is the best option, or keep pushing though even though we are both hurting.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Constant fights, name calling, making you feel guilty (Google: gaslighting), his explosive temper, making you take uber and pushing your hands away are all gigantic red flags. He has a Jekkyl 'n Hyde personality which is scary.

    You are not responsible for his unstable mental health, depression and suicidal tendencies. He is responsible for his own life. You are not to blame nor are you at fault with whatever he decides to do with his life.

    You need to seek professional help such as therapy or psychologist if you think this is all you deserve in a man.

    There is nothing to push through. Choose your best option.

  3. #3
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    Why in the world would you stay in this! This is extremely unhealthy and toxic!

    He is not your responsibility and you must cut contact! This guy has serious problems that you are not qualified to deal with. I could not fathom bringing children into this environment.

    He was able to hide the real him, now you see who he really is.

    He is also very abusive and manipulative. If he threatens suicide call his family or EMS. Get out! This is a sick dynamic.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 09-17-2020 at 07:23 PM.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    My biggest question is - are you also receiving therapy? You're paying for him but the concern is you too. He has mental health issues that may be out of your scope and you're ill-equipped. Being in that close proximity means that you likely need support as well. Find sources for support and guidance if you have a loved one with severe mental health issues like this. At least put yourself on par or at equal level in terms of care and support.

    A partner shouldn't be abusing you, manipulating you or hurting you to this extent or you should know how to work with that person or know when this person needs more medical attention and more than therapy. Seek support and guidance from trained medical professionals if you want to keep staying in this relationship.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    OP your behavior is the text-book description of codependency... at the end of the day, his mental health is not your responsibility and this is who he is... this isn't going to get better, and most likely neither is he.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    How old are both of you?
    Your story, though unique to you is pretty text book in reality. The honeymoon phase of abusers when they lure you in. No surprise it was long distance for the first half, because it permitted you both to be in a honeymoon phase longer and for him to not show his true colors.
    Even in the healthiest relationships, we are all on our best behaviour for the first 6 months. If we weren't we probably wouldn't get past to the second or third date.

    Now you are year and half in and what you see is what you get. Even abusers have good qualities, but it never outweighs the abuse, the guilt, the maniputation and the insults.

    He's not in a good place and doesn't feel good about himself. His goal is to tear you down to his level so you'll second guess your own worth and not leave.

    Depending on your age I would suggest you tell your parents what's going on and his as well. If you are considering leaving I'd tell both sets of parents your fears about his safety.
    I went through something similar as a teenager/young adult and it shaped me (not in a good way) for years after and affected my ability to be in a healthy relationship for years.
    I've had years of therapy and some life experiences that brings me to a better place.
    When you're young you don't really have the emotional maturity to navigate these things and you sometimes find yourself in toxic relationships. I wish someone had pointed this out to me and I wish I asked for help sooner.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately you are in an abusive relationship. Google it. Threats of suicide are to control you and keep you hostage. Very telling is the mean sweet cycling you describe

    Get out. Get therapy understand and heal from this. A therapist is a good listener. An abuser is just collecting stuff to hurt you with, as you have sadly found out.

  9. #8
    I'm not currently in therapy. I went to therapy for a couple months pre-COVID until it got shut down due to COVID. I haven't been back since and it feels exhausting to get the courage to go again.

  10. #9
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    Look into CODA for your co dependency.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    This:

    "He has told me things like:
    - if you would have done (blank) and (blank) already, I might have already proposed to you
    - If you weren’t so lazy, you would have already made money
    - Your laziness and unmotivation makes me lazy and unmotivated
    - I have to change myself to have a better relationship with him, my family, and my friends
    - You are a detriment to my mental health
    - You would have never been this successful if it wasn’t for me"


    directly contradicts this:

    "I fear of losing someone as good as him (kind, gentle, caring, a good listener, someone I could take home to my family, trusting, etc)".

    If he's in therapy it's the responsibility of his therapist to deal with his suicidal ideation. Next time he threatens to kill himself contact his therapist and let him/her know so they can get him admitted to the ER.

    And please get therapy for yourself. You have allowed this man to beat you down (emotionally) until you feel like you can't be without him. That's wrong, BTW. Also please confide in a family member so they can help you get out in case he tries to get physical.

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