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Thread: I don't know if I should break up

  1. #1

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    I don't know if I should break up

    I've been in a relationship for 1.5 years. He is the most amazing guy, he is kind, caring and romantic and just a nice person in general the type you take home to meet your parents (which is pretty rare these days). I'm just not sure if I'm in love with him or with the idea of him.
    When we first started dating he was the most romantic man I have ever met I seriously felt like the luckiest girl. It was the type of relationship that you see in the movies and think that can't be real. I can't put into words how in love I felt. A few months go by things start to calm down a bit and reality hits.
    I'm at a place right not where I constantly have issues. It's either that he is too clingy, or he is too distant, or he doesn't show enough affection, or he shows too much affection, or he doesn't support me in front of other people and he laughs everything off, or he gets angry and yells easily or that he never puts any effort in trying to find places to go, but he never likes the places i choose.
    We fight constantly. We mostly have small fights that we get over after we calm down, we have had some big fights I told him to break up and he was a mess and I gave him another chance.
    I'm young this is my 3rd relationship and the only one that is with someone who I truly care about and actually trust and genuinely think is a good person that deserves the world.
    I'm not sure if my concerns are normal relationship issues that people have, because no one is perfect, but I always have this feeling that it's not normal to have all these issues with someone and maybe it's a sign that he's not the one for me even though i want him to be.
    I think that maybe I like the way our relationship was at the honeymoon phase and I just like the idea of him and how he was at that time. Maybe I'm just overthinking it and those issues are not major enough to break up with someone that is worth it. I'm really confussed overall I would like some advice on what to think and how to approach all these.
    Thank you!!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member gsxr104's Avatar
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    This is just my opinion. For now, you don;t have to "break up" , you could just take things as they come. You be yourself and take a look at who "He" really is. We all go through that honeymoon phase. We are all on our best behavior during the initial part of the relationship, sometimes people put on a facade others it's their genuine character. This would be a good time for you to take a closer look at his character and see if that coating wears off. You'll find true colors in times of difficulties.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you are seeing the real him now. You need to talk to trusted adults, family,etc about what is going on. Stay away from angry moody flaky people who treat you badly and yell at you.

    Red up on "signs of abusive relationships". The fairy tale rom-com it the classic start. You need to end it.
    Originally Posted by llpkrmgt
    he gets angry and yells easily or that he never puts any effort in trying to find places to go, but he never likes the places i choose.
    We fight constantly. We mostly have small fights that we get over after we calm down, we have had some big fights I told him to break up and he was a mess and I gave him another chance.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Whether or not it's time to break up is, ultimately, a choice only you can make. That said, I'll share some thoughts...

    Personally, I hate the phrase "honeymoon phase," since it implies that we're supposed to get used to something going from enjoyable to tolerable, rather than enjoyable to deeper and, as a result, more enjoyable. It's kind of how people talk about youth as some fleeting time to savor before the "grind" of adulthood sets in. Zoom out, and all that is humans using their fancy brains to rationalize living in a certain way and making certain choices that do not feel good, or right, or true.

    So, how I'd look at your story? This connection with him has maybe shown its limits, in that what once seemed limitless now feels severely limiting. This happens. Happens after a week, happens after two decades. It is sad, crushing, and confusing, at least from one angle. But from another angle? It is sad, crushing, and confusing to try to grow inside of a box that no longer fits you. In this case? Perhaps you—perhaps you both—have outgrown the permitters of box.

    This is just me, but I really don't think what makes someone a good match is a list of their good qualities, nor do I think relationships thrive by accepting that "nobody's perfect." It's that being yourself, alongside another individual, induces a certain feeling—excitement, of course, but also a sense of expansion, greater freedom and security. Excitement will inherently ebb and flow, but if you don't believe that things are expanding, that there is always room for greater depth—well, that's when you have the sense of driving in a tight circle and calling it a journey. That's when the friction and bickering take hold.

    Curious: Have you spoken to him about these feelings? Have you, on your own, taken any steps to see about things improving? I ask because—and this is just me—I've always found a level of clarity in these moments by doing everything I can to see about restoring harmony. If those personal efforts don't move the needle? It makes the needle is where it is, and it's time to move in a different direction, likely on my own.

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  6. #5

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you are seeing the real him now. You need to talk to trusted adults, family,etc about what is going on. Stay away from angry moody flaky people who treat you badly and yell at you.

    Red up on "signs of abusive relationships". The fairy tale rom-com it the classic start. You need to end it.
    Maybe I was misunderstood, I didn't mean that he yells at me for no reason, or that he is in any way shape or form abusive. I meant that we fight and we yell at each other. We are all human and sometimes we express emotion by yelling. Obviously if it gets out of hand, it's serious but that is not the case here.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    OP. You said

    "We fight constantly. "


    That is hardly a basis for a relationship. Note the word "constantly".

    "he gets angry and yells easily"

    Yelling never solves anything.

    So, according to you, he only yells at you when he has a "reason". Which is?

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Whether or not it's time to break up is, ultimately, a choice only you can make. That said, I'll share some thoughts...

    Personally, I hate the phrase "honeymoon phase," since it implies that we're supposed to get used to something going from enjoyable to tolerable, rather than enjoyable to deeper and, as a result, more enjoyable. It's kind of how people talk about youth as some fleeting time to savor before the "grind" of adulthood sets in. Zoom out, and all that is humans using their fancy brains to rationalize living in a certain way and making certain choices that do not feel good, or right, or true.

    So, how I'd look at your story? This connection with him has maybe shown its limits, in that what once seemed limitless now feels severely limiting. This happens. Happens after a week, happens after two decades. It is sad, crushing, and confusing, at least from one angle. But from another angle? It is sad, crushing, and confusing to try to grow inside of a box that no longer fits you. In this case? Perhaps you—perhaps you both—have outgrown the permitters of box.

    This is just me, but I really don't think what makes someone a good match is a list of their good qualities, nor do I think relationships thrive by accepting that "nobody's perfect." It's that being yourself, alongside another individual, induces a certain feeling—excitement, of course, but also a sense of expansion, greater freedom and security. Excitement will inherently ebb and flow, but if you don't believe that things are expanding, that there is always room for greater depth—well, that's when you have the sense of driving in a tight circle and calling it a journey. That's when the friction and bickering take hold.

    Curious: Have you spoken to him about these feelings? Have you, on your own, taken any steps to see about things improving? I ask because—and this is just me—I've always found a level of clarity in these moments by doing everything I can to see about restoring harmony. If those personal efforts don't move the needle? It makes the needle is where it is, and it's time to move in a different direction, likely on my own.
    Thank you very much for your response it really helped me put some things in perspective. I have talked to him about my issues (I'm the type of person that can't keep things inside). Some things got better, others not. Some days I feel amazing with him, others (like todsy) I dont.
    I really want to know how am I supposed to know if there could be something deeper with him?
    When we're together and happy I do feel security and all those things you mentioned and many more. I'm just not sure if there could be true love there from both sides.

  9. #8

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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    OP. You said

    "We fight constantly. "


    That is hardly a basis for a relationship. Note the word "constantly".

    "he gets angry and yells easily"

    Yelling never solves anything.

    So, according to you, he only yells at you when he has a "reason". Which is?
    I yell at him as well. We both get angry easily. It happens when we feel misunderstood or that the other person is being unfair. I know it's not healthy but no one can keep calm at all times and express his/her emotions perfectly, sometimes it just happens.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Until you learn to keep your emotions in check, it's not realistic to expect the same of others. Use your discretion when you're sharing details about your day, your thoughts or your past. Both oversharing irrelevant information and not sharing enough (omissions of relevant info) are hurtful so find some balance there.

    From the sounds of it you're expecting someone to soothe you a lot. Would you say you need confirmation or validation quite a lot from your partner if you feel or think a certain way or do you just do and think as you please?

    Tell yourself no more on/off or threats. This is no good and continues to break down trust in a relationship. There's too much resentment and no one should be crawling or begging for chances or forgiveness. This is a set up for a lot of resentment and distrust.

    we have had some big fights I told him to break up and he was a mess and I gave him another chance.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    So, it makes it all right if you yell at him as well?!

    "We both get angry easily. "

    And I repeat: You said you fight constantly.

    That is NOT the same as losing the rag now and then.

    So, a yelling match sorts out the feeling misunderstood.

    No one said "express emotions perfectly", but one can make an attempt to just speak in a normal tone, state one's case and listen to the other state his/her case. You are right "I know it's not healthy".

    This could be the bottom line and heart of the matter OP:

    "I'm just not sure if I'm in love with him or with the idea of him."

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