I blew my second chance. I’m devastated

I’ll try to be quick and I apologize in advance for any typos since I am on my cell phone typing this out.

My feelings are everywhere. I don’t know where to begin. Some of you know, I met a man at work who checked off all of my boxes. Dating him at first was unreal. He’s very mature and usually calm, cool and collected regardless of whatever situation he’s in. We broke up the first time because I was very insecure in our relationship. His ex would text him consistently and at all times of night and because I didn’t feel secure, we’d constantly bicker. I’d constantly ask for reassurance. I knew he didn’t love me as much as I loved him but dang it was I willing to wait for the opportunity to be loved by the man I love more than anything. One day we talked about the many notifications on my phone and how I have too many and he offered to help clean up my phone. He looked through all of my photos and deleted many texts. I never once flinched, I had nothing to hide.. However, one night I had is iPad in my hands for not even a moment and he snatched it away. Red flag.. but at the time i was quit about it, but it added to the insecurity. We were somewhat living together for a few months and I guess we just got burnt out. We had a terrible break up. I did not leave gracefully. I wish I did, but I couldn’t handle how cold he was being towards me. We yelled for hours. I poured out liquor and dumped cologne out. I’ll admit I acted out. There’s no excuse for my actions. It’s just this is the second person that I ever fell in love with in my life and to him, I couldn’t compare to his ex...

I went completely no contact when we were broken up. I cried every day. Like a nutcase, I social media stalked his ex and saw their photos together and the memories they made with one another. It hurt me even more but I couldn’t stop myself. Then I discovered, through digging, that he actually dated me and his ex in the same month. He didn’t take the time to get over her. The moment they broke up he was with me.. and to be honest we moved pretty quickly so we had sex early on. I was kind of disgusted that he claimed to have loved this girl, was with her for 3 years and he could not take the time to heal from her. But still, I ached for him.. and as the time went by, I was still hurting. I wanted to move on but I was still in love. Then he started contacting me out of the blue. I acted distant at first, but I fell right in and couldn’t resist. One night after hours of talking on the phone the conversation turned sexual. I hadn’t had sex and I was so hot because I wanted him so bad. I drove over there in the middle of the night and had one of the hottest sexual nights in my life. No exaggeration, but I won’t go into those details.

Of course confusion sprung amongst us and a few days after that he told me that he didn’t want to hurt me because I am more invested than he is. I still asked for a chance.. but it wasn’t until I mentioned that if we were to see other people during this time it’s not cheating because we’re not together (I wasn’t seeing anyone else at the time. Didn’t get with anyone else after we broke up), he automatically told me we were in fact together because we’ve seen each other and we had sex a couple of times. I was stunned that we didn’t talk about it. Just like that he reclaimed me again. I was happy but confused? But of course I went along with it because I really wanted him. Getting back together felt so amazing.

To kiss him and hold him again. To run errands together and hold hands. To lay on his chest again, to get cuddled and held before I had fell asleep was everything I was missing. I’m still crazy over this man even now as I type this... then I see her text again. And I wince at her name on his phone. The thoughts of all of the pictures came up in memory again. But i didn’t want to argue or bicker. I mentioned it and how it made me feel and dropped it quickly. He assured me I had nothing to worry about. Then one day, he goes out with friends. He gave me the key the next day because he wished that I was in his bed waiting for him. I thought I felt good to get a key again, but it just seems like his reasons were sexually motivated. Not because he trusted me... I tried to talk to him about that but he seemed to be irritated and told me to “just be happy” and drop it... and so I did.

One morning I was laying in bed with him, and I saw him turn over and put his passcode in. I was armed with dangerous information. He has two phones and he left that morning to go hand out with friends. I’ve never done this is any relationship in my life, but I snooped and I looked through his phone. Only the text messages and nothing else. He flirted pretty heavily with one of our coworkers even while with me. No big deal. I don’t like it but whatever. Then I saw messages between him and his ex. How they have nicknames for one another and they’re silly over text. Of course he was flirty with her as well. I didn’t find any cheating and I didn’t think I would... but I did see that the moment we broke up, he’s messaging her to go on a Whole Foods run not even a month later. Asking to see her, even she was surprised because she had not seen him in over a year. Why am I surprised? That hurt so I called him and took him away from his time spent with friends. He was irritated he knew I went through his phone and told me that obviously we do not trust each other so we don’t need to continue. I panicked. I didn’t eat, I threw up. I know I messed up. I insisted on seeing him that night he returned but he didn’t want to see me. I know it was wrong, I showed up at his house anyway. He didn’t want to let me in ( I left the key in his house before I left). He didn’t want me to sit in the car with him. He didn’t want to to hug or touch him. He just didn’t want me around. He was so cold towards me. I asked him why he was so venomous towards me but he was so kind to her. And his response was “she didn’t deserve it.” Which implies that I do.. I knew I should’ve walked away and left but with this guy, unlike any other relationship I’ve been in, I have acted impulsively because he just disregards my feelings and he acts like he doesn’t have any. Of course he broke up with me again... not even two months in. I’m noticing now that he’s a person who goes from one long term relationship to the next with very little time in between. He’s a serial monogamist which explains why he was such a good boyfriend. This isn’t his first rodeo. I’m behind on dating. I have a total of 5 relationships that I can count. 2 of them being in high school... and I’m about to turn 28. After my first love broke up with me I was devastated ( I was 19 at the time) and I cried for 3 years. I didn’t want to get close to anyone else so, I opted for designated sex partners than opposed to something real. I love my most recent ex more than anyone that I have ever been with. It was my most serious relationship. I never lived with a man before. I never felt so deeply for someone before and I wish I could’ve been that girlfriend who handled things gracefully... but my feelings ran so deep that I just couldn’t control how I handled things. I always felt like second best to this ex of his. They have a lot in common. He spoke highly of her, calling her the most rational girl he has ever dated. Going from her to me was like night and day and I’ve always been nervous about that. I blew it. I didn’t handle things well and this was a man I didn’t mind spending the rest of my life with. I tried so hard. And now, I’m sure he’s with his ex that he never stopped loving. I hate being so vulnerable. Because the moment you open yourself up to loving someone, you have a lot to lose... and often times they will walk away and leave you broken. I know that I’m going to be single for a while. And I’m going to be 30 soon. I feel like he’s going to go on to the next girl and establish a solid relationship and I’m just going to be by myself... I wish we let more time pass between us before getting back together. I am really hurting.. and I’m sure there is no 3rd chances. And even if there is... he doesn’t love me and I love him with every part of me. It just hurts

This is when love and being obsessed have blurred lines. You lose your self worth, accept their poor behavior, you lose your mind and start snooping/questioning, being anxious. You don't need a 3rd chance...you need to get your head on straight and see how unhealthy this relationship was.

Sorry you are hurting...take a break from it all, and take care of yourself.

This is when love and being obsessed have blurred lines. You lose your self worth, accept their poor behavior, you lose your mind and start snooping/questioning, being anxious. You don't need a 3rd chance...you need to get your head on straight and see how unhealthy this relationship was.

 

Sorry you are hurting...take a break from it all, and take care of yourself.

We are all working from home now. But eventually I’m going to see him in office. Am I a fool for hoping that one day he’ll come around again? I see the things I could have done different...

Is one of the things you "could have done different" pretending you are fine with the things you know?

Are you willing to do anything, put up with anything, accept anything just to pretend you two are in an exclusive relationship?

How do you think that would affect your feelings of self worth? How is pretending everything is fine just to try to keep him going to make you feel more secure and loved?

OP you have an addictive personality. It's a blessing or a curse depending on how you use this streak. Apparently therapy has been suggested many times on your threads. Aside from that, I suggest you find something meaningful in your life. Maybe it's a career, maybe it's a hobby but it has to be something you invest in yourself. You've been chasing this guy for quite some time. First of all, you can't change who he is not in a million years. Do you think other people can change who you are? Nope. Second, this is how you want to waste your life? Chasing other people? Not investing in yourself? Just say...

@ boltnrun - one of the things I could have done different is handle things through grace no matter how much it hurts. I knew not to call him and argue with him while he was with friends... or drive other there to see him when he didn’t want me to. I drug out or break up again because I knew it was our last time seeing each other again for a while and a part of me just didn’t want to leave. I was thinking that maybe if I handled things better, he’d warm up to me and maybe even love me back one day. Just a fraction of how much I love him. I didn’t mind waiting. I’ve struggled with feelings of self worth before I met him... I told him that I wasn’t ready for a relationship when we first got together, yet he insisted.. so it seemed like he was willing to accept me with my flaws. I was just hoping I could handle this but apparently I could not. Thank you for your response

@ Dias - yes I’m in therapy. I’ve avoided red flags, and advice from therapists and friends because I made excuses for him. I told myself that they didn’t know him like I did. And sometimes he could be reassuring. I ignored it all because I loved him.. but deep down with my mind I saw him and I ignored all of the painful facts hoping that we could move past it all. Yes, right now I’m spinning. He’s not my life. I missed my deadline to get back into school but next semester is in January so I’ll be ready for that. I’m trying to live my own life but I’m sad and unmotivated and ultimately not happy with myself. Even more so now. But you’re absolutely right. I need to live for me. I agree with everyone on this post

This is really obsessive and unhealthy behavior. Did you have any social life before this guy? You are choosing to stay stuck in all of this, and have not taken advice from others when told to disassociate. You've made your entire life about him.

Have you looked into the journal section of this site. I think that it would be more appropriate.

Have you considered looking for another job?

Sorry about this, really.

I don't, honestly, think you "blew" anything here, and I hope in time you can come to see it all differently. How I see it, being familiar with your past threads? You needed these last few months, this jagged second go at something that was always jagged, to begin the process—not easy, but rewarding—of addressing the emotional wiring that made this whole vicious, spirit-depleting carousel go round. Think of it like someone with a drinking problem who needed one last black-out evening before taking steps to curb the drinking, even eliminate it, so they can go out at night and really have fun.

The theme above, as with other posts, is both simple and sad. It seems the thing you like most about this man is that he does not treat you well. Reading that is not fun, I know, but I hope you can read it and digest it. You can try to find clarity and comfort by highlighting his positive qualities, the brief moments where you felt ecstatic, or by analyzing his own iffy relationship habits. Still, the core thing is that he didn't treat you well, that being with him torqued your spiritual equilibrium, and that every moment of mistreatment triggered something that you are calling love. So long as that is what you call love, the high water mark of human emotional experience, you are in trouble.

Are you a "fool" for hoping that one day he might come around? No. You're a human, feeling the thing humans feel in your shoes. What I'd say would be foolish is indulging that hope, nursing it, holding onto it, and then acting on it. Because if it's not a round three with him? It'll be a repeat of the same saga with someone else. On the other hand, if you look at that "hope" as a glitch in the operating system that is demanding your self-love? Well, that is the beginning of a new paradigm, one where love with and for another is not connected to self-loathing. We all have parts of ourselves that we don't like, that we even hate. Key is to get intimate with them so we shrink them before someone else can inflate them, so they're not the foundation of intimacy.

If this moment is that, for you? If this moment is the beginning of a deep, intentional personal cleanse? Well, then it's worth something, a lot. It puts you on the path—familiar to me, familiar to many people I know—where you look back at your 20s as a kind of wild, disjointed time that gave way to something quieter, sturdier, richer—a sense of inner balance that gets shared and explored, and is seen as so precious that those who disrupt it are simply the wrong people to invest energy in rather than the people to lose yourself inside.

So, I ask: What sounds better? Something along that new paradigm, or more of the same? You are, as we all are, about a zillion times stronger than you know. You just have to choose to excavate that strength.

@ boltnrun - one of the things I could have done different is handle things through grace no matter how much it hurts. I knew not to call him and argue with him while he was with friends... or drive other there to see him when he didn’t want me to. I drug out or break up again because I knew it was our last time seeing each other again for a while and a part of me just didn’t want to leave. I was thinking that maybe if I handled things better, he’d warm up to me and maybe even love me back one day. Just a fraction of how much I love him. I didn’t mind waiting. I’ve struggled with feelings of self worth before I met him... I told him that I wasn’t ready for a relationship when we first got together, yet he insisted.. so it seemed like he was willing to accept me with my flaws. I was just hoping I could handle this but apparently I could not. Thank you for your response

So you think if you "handled things through 'grace'" that would have made him love you? All the involvement with his ex would have magically disappeared?

The phrase "handled things through 'grace'" is just word salad. What it really means is "pretend I don't see what's right in front of me". It means trying to lie to yourself about reality, shutting your eyes and putting your hands over your ears shouting "NAH NAH NAH" and burying your head into the sand. All this in an attempt to keep this man who has clearly demonstrated (and said outright) that he doesn't feel the same way you do.

Why bother paying for therapy and enlisting the help of friends and family if you're just going to ignore everything they say? Same thing with this forum. Multiple times people have advised you to leave this situation for good but all you want is to keep going back.

Do you realize you are acting as your own worst enemy? Why do you dislike yourself so much?

@ Hollyj- Honestly, no. I didn’t have a social life. I did at one point but I was at a low point. My therapist states that I have purposely self isolated because of past let down from friends and business clients. Even at work I didn’t connect, I stayed to myself. But then he came around and swept me off my feet. Made me feel like I was on cloud 9. Introduced me to family and friends. He made me feel important. He knew I was lonely. I noticed that when we broke up he had a lot of acquaintances asking him if was okay or if he wanted to go out (via text), I had no one.

I really would love to look for another job. But this job offered tuition reimbursement, it’s in the middle of covid. Thousands of people are getting laid off in my city. So it’s a doh my whammy if I leave. My school won’t be paid for, and would I even find a job that’s paying me right now due to our current economic climate? Not sure.

Very sad reading Confused.

I agree with the good advice given by the other posters.

Why are you prepared to settle for so little?

"maybe even love me back one day. Just a fraction of how much I love him."

There it is. You'd be prepared to accept a fraction, a mere breadcrumb.

You remark:

" I tried so hard"

That's the problem, OP.

Trying too hard and "loving" too much (which actually isn't loving at all).

You love him or you love the idea of him? Give yourself time to completely sever ties. He and his ex are dysfunctional - neither in nor out of a relationship. There's a lot of baggage and issues with this person and the time you've spent with him is another extension of how dysfunctional he is in relationships, period. We all make mistakes. You can pick yourself up and move on. 30 is just a baby. You are so young and you can't see it. Let go and don't let this person keep dragging you down.

What you know right now is only what your 30 years has given you - dare to look outside of all that and what can open up and happen if you're open to those healthier possibilities. There will be better examples of men or relationships later on. Trust your gut on this, in all that haze of pain and disappointment.

@ Hollyj- Honestly, no. I didn’t have a social life. I did at one point but I was at a low point. My therapist states that I have purposely self isolated because of past let down from friends and business clients. Even at work I didn’t connect, I stayed to myself. But then he came around and swept me off my feet. Made me feel like I was on cloud 9. Introduced me to family and friends. He made me feel important. He knew I was lonely. I noticed that when we broke up he had a lot of acquaintances asking him if was okay or if he wanted to go out (via text), I had no one.

 

I really would love to look for another job. But this job offered tuition reimbursement, it’s in the middle of covid. Thousands of people are getting laid off in my city. So it’s a doh my whammy if I leave. My school won’t be paid for, and would I even find a job that’s paying me right now due to our current economic climate? Not sure.

Confused, this is a huge part of the problem, as you made this guy your entire life. I think you are attracted to the wrong types of people-including him-this is why you have landed in this situation. Have you looked into outdoor activities to meet new friends? Meet ups or any other groups that offer outdoor activities? I'm thinking not.

You are choosing to stay stuck in this situation. What has your therapist advised?

When are you going to make some changes?

My apologies for responding out of order. I am reading all of your responses and all of you have really good points and I know you are right. I'm on here because this community acts as a comfort when I need to spill my feelings and get a dose of reality. Especially since many of you have read the problems of many.

@hollyj- I am aware that he was quickly made to be a major part of my life. When we broke up and even when we even got together, I told myself that he is no longer going to be my life. This time around, I tried not to be so available. I have gone on meetup and right now, there are a lot of virtual meetings. Nothing where I can actually be around new people. I was trying to go back to school ON CAMPUS, but I missed the deadline for August and even still, they moved 70% of classes online. Tried meeting up with girlfriends but I have been cancelled on twice. It's not like I am being idle. I am trying to make changes.

@ Rose Mosse- Thank you. He didn't appear to be as dysfunctional as I am. He would always told me that if I were to just calm down and be myself, things would be fine between us and he would get disappointed in me when I would react. He'd ask for space, I wouldn't give it to him. I just did everything wrong. He asked me the same question that you did. I accepted him. Flaws and all. I accepted that he didn't love me. I accepted that he's not necessarily the nicest person but even with his flaws, I still loved him.

@ Hollyj- Honestly, no. I didn’t have a social life. I did at one point but I was at a low point. My therapist states that I have purposely self isolated because of past let down from friends and business clients. Even at work I didn’t connect, I stayed to myself. But then he came around and swept me off my feet. Made me feel like I was on cloud 9. Introduced me to family and friends. He made me feel important. He knew I was lonely. I noticed that when we broke up he had a lot of acquaintances asking him if was okay or if he wanted to go out (via text), I had no one.

 

I really would love to look for another job. But this job offered tuition reimbursement, it’s in the middle of covid. Thousands of people are getting laid off in my city. So it’s a doh my whammy if I leave. My school won’t be paid for, and would I even find a job that’s paying me right now due to our current economic climate? Not sure.

Your therapist is right. Getting rid of people who aren't good for you or to you is all good. However, then you have to work hard to find and forge new connections, new friendships with those who are right and good for you and to you. Unfortunately, you never did that.

He didn't do anything to you. Certainly nothing special. Introducing someone he is dating to friends and family is just normal every day stuff. Including you in his life and circle of friends again wasn't anything special or important. It only felt special to you because he offered a social life to you for free, without you having to make that effort to develop that life for yourself. I don't even think you like or love him all that much so much as you love what benefits he brought to you in terms of a ready made life you enjoy.

Unfortunately, as you can see, you can't just step into another person's life, friendships, everything they've built and use it indefinitely. His friends are still his friends. His friends care and text him because HE invested that effort and work into developing those connections. You are right where you've always been - alone because you didn't invest and put that work into YOUR OWN life. So now, here you are - you have to actually suck it up and do what you've been avoiding at all costs - get off your arse and actually build relationships and a life for yourself instead of trying to leach off someone else's work.

@ Rose Mosse- Thank you. He didn't appear to be as dysfunctional as I am. He would always told me that if I were to just calm down and be myself, things would be fine between us and he would get disappointed in me when I would react. He'd ask for space, I wouldn't give it to him. I just did everything wrong. He asked me the same question that you did. I accepted him. Flaws and all. I accepted that he didn't love me. I accepted that he's not necessarily the nicest person but even with his flaws, I still loved him.

Why are you content to settle for so little?

Why do you dislike yourself? Do you feel you are a person of low worth?

I am at work now so my responses aren't as quick. But I am able to read responses.

Thanks again..

My apologies for responding out of order. I am reading all of your responses and all of you have really good points and I know you are right. I'm on here because this community acts as a comfort when I need to spill my feelings and get a dose of reality. Especially since many of you have read the problems of many.

 

@hollyj- I am aware that he was quickly made to be a major part of my life. When we broke up and even when we even got together, I told myself that he is no longer going to be my life. This time around, I tried not to be so available. I have gone on meetup and right now, there are a lot of virtual meetings. Nothing where I can actually be around new people. I was trying to go back to school ON CAMPUS, but I missed the deadline for August and even still, they moved 70% of classes online. Tried meeting up with girlfriends but I have been cancelled on twice. It's not like I am being idle. I am trying to make changes.

I have hiking and walking Meet ups in my area. I hear a lot of excuses and not a lot of effort on your part.

Everything my therapist recommended to me is closed right now. Toastmates? it's virtual. School? I reached out a number of times over and over. Finally someone emailed me and it was too close to the deadline to go...I struggle with making friends now. I don't find myself as interesting now that I am not working on a business. I am a very lonely person. And it's not like I don't want to connect, I am somewhat afraid to. I have issues making new friends. Which is part of the reason I admired my ex. He's strong at making connections. He get's around people and he's right at home. Meanwhile, I've been labeled by my therapist as having extreme shyness and social anxiety. I hear where you guys are coming from, it's just tough for me...

Is it helpful figuring out why or how it's hard to make friends? Is it the vulnerability aspect or afraid of being taken advantaged of?

I wouldn't let past relationship failures or mistakes bleed into the your ability to create platonic relationships or friendships for example. What is it about people that you find hard to accept or challenging overall?

Everything my therapist recommended to me is closed right now. Toastmates? it's virtual. School? I reached out a number of times over and over. Finally someone emailed me and it was too close to the deadline to go...I struggle with making friends now. I don't find myself as interesting now that I am not working on a business. I am a very lonely person. And it's not like I don't want to connect, I am somewhat afraid to. I have issues making new friends. Which is part of the reason I admired my ex. He's strong at making connections. He get's around people and he's right at home. Meanwhile, I've been labeled by my therapist as having extreme shyness and social anxiety. I hear where you guys are coming from, it's just tough for me...

Again you are making a lot of excuses. How about join a tennis group. People are still playing even if singles and spaced every other court to be safe. People are still going out hiking or biking. Pretty much all outdoor activities are still very much on. Nothing like a share interest to develop friendships over time.

You can live with the "label" or you can decide that you don't like that label, it doesn't suit you, it doesn't improve your life and make some serious changes.

This is your wake up call about that. Don't use covid as an excuse, because you were sitting on your arse doing nothing for yourself for a long long time before this rolled around. Do you like where you are? No. So roll up your sleeves and start working on YOUR life. Also, covid won't be here forever, so make a plan at the very least. Too late to sign up for classes, oh well. How about picking up something else? Stretch yourself a bit. Labels is why therapists make money, but it's on you to reject that label and get a life.

Again, you cannot leach off other people who did the hard work of developing that comfort. I keep emphasizing work because that's exactly what it is. Most people aren't born instantly social and comfortable. You simply learn through practice and it's not always comfortable, but once you do that work, you will become comfortable for life.

It's like public speaking. First time you might be shaking and puking your guts out before you step on that podium and your speech is quivery and stalled out and embarrassing and you've lost your audience within 30 seconds. By the 50th time, you have to stop yourself from yawning at the podium, you've mastered your delivery, you know how to engage your audience to the point where it's automatic. You get confident and comfortable by simply doing it. You will never get comfortable until you just suck it up and start doing it over and over until ....one day you realize that it actually has become comfortable for you.

I have gone out of my way (before covid happened, before my ex happened) to be included in things that I enjoy. I tried getting involved in an indie film because I love acting. I was in a room surrounded by people who like the same thing that I do. However, I felt uncomfortable and out of place. I come across as an oddball. One girl almost called me weird before she caught herself and said something else. The gay makeup artist did not want to do my make up and saved me for last. In fact he refused to do my face and had an inexperienced girl make me up instead.

I tried to go back out into networking events after a failed business venture, and the persona that I was able to keep up at first was no longer there. I felt uncomfortable and out of place.

A girl from the networking events who knew me when I was on top of my personal world invited me to this "million dollar mingle" party out in Arizona. We all took a road trip. Everyone was cool, but people are quick to spot the weakest in the room. I did not connect with any of the other 12 models that were there. The gay makeup artist once again did not want to do my make up (different person). He had specific orders to make us up a certain way, and he did that to all of the other girls but left the worst look for me, which was not what he was told to do. He ended up stepping over boundaries and cussing at me. All of those girls made connections that night... and I was literally feet away sitting alone. The girl from the networking events who used to respect me is no longer bothered with me.

It's not like I am not trying to do the things I like, but i keep getting burned by both people I know, and new people. When it comes to connections with men, they just want sex. That's why I really liked my ex. It felt easy, it felt natural. He was interested in me and I him. He made an effort to help me, be in my corner when needed him. He knew at one point i was shy around people. He told me that he would get me out more and that I can always lean on him. I went out more with him because I felt like I had someone who cared to help me. I was just so upset by people that before him, I stayed in my apartment and didn't go out. And this guy understood me, accepted me and helped

It feels like something is wrong with me. I bring myself... and I turn people off for some reason personally and at work. Doesn't matter where. It's not like I am bad looking. I've been told I look like a mean girl or party girl, but that's just not me.

Sorry to say, YOUR boxes marked off were not correct :(. I feel you were possibly way too into him to see them?

1) We broke up the first time because I was very insecure in our relationship. His ex would text him consistently and at all times of night and because I didn’t feel secure, we’d constantly bicker. I’d constantly ask for reassurance.

- We all have choices.. and HIS were to continue with his ex- instead of end the contact.. Was not your fault - and then you had your 'first BU'....

2) I knew he didn’t love me as much as I loved him but dang it was I willing to wait for the opportunity to be loved by the man I love more than anything.

- You were aware he did not feel much the same.. If they dont feel enough by a certain time, they never will :(.

3) One day we talked about the many notifications on my phone and how I have too many and he offered to help clean up my phone. He looked through all of my photos and deleted many texts. I never once flinched, I had nothing to hide.

- Whether you had anything to hide- or not. No one is to be going through YOUR phone and messing with it! shows much control and disrespect!

4). Then I discovered, through digging, that he actually dated me and his ex in the same month. He didn’t take the time to get over her

- Yup- at that point you walk away & never go back.. sounds like YOU were a rebound :/.. Awful.

5). He gave me the key the next day because he wished that I was in his bed waiting for him. I thought I felt good to get a key again, but it just seems like his reasons were sexually motivated. Not because he trusted me... I tried to talk to him about that but he seemed to be irritated and told me to “just be happy” and drop it

- Typical for guys.. we know that. ( You are correct).

6) but I snooped and I looked through his phone. Only the text messages and nothing else. He flirted pretty heavily with one of our coworkers even while with me. No big deal. I don’t like it but whatever.

- See you accepted way too much crap :(.. Never accepting fact that YOU deserve better.. Not a sleeaze.

7). Then I saw messages between him and his ex. How they have nicknames for one another and they’re silly over text. Of course he was flirty with her as well. I didn’t find any cheating and I didn’t think I would... but I did see that the moment we broke up,

- This, I think you already knew about... yes, he was not over her.

8) He was irritated he knew I went through his phone and told me that obviously we do not trust each other so we don’t need to continue. I panicked. I didn’t eat, I threw up. I know I messed up. I insisted on seeing him that night he returned but he didn’t want to see me.

- Okay, but it was okay for HIM to go thru your phone? Omg

9) I knew I should’ve walked away and left but with this guy, unlike any other relationship I’ve been in, I have acted impulsively because he just disregards my feelings and he acts like he doesn’t have any

- Exactly.

10) I never felt so deeply for someone before and I wish I could’ve been that girlfriend who handled things gracefully

- I believe you have.. but with this one character- I think you were 'trauma bonded'.. Messed you up! :(

11) I always felt like second best to this ex of his. They have a lot in common. He spoke highly of her, calling her the most rational girl he has ever dated. Going from her to me was like night and day and I’ve always been nervous about that

- Again, why you should have just kept walking- in order to heal & get over the loser :(.

this is the second person that I ever fell in love with in my life and to him, I couldn’t compare to his ex..

You be by yourself..forever? No. Is just your frame of mind atm.. You met him didnt you?

And-I blew my second chance. I’m devastated

- With someone like this.. be glad the trash took itself out. This kinda crap no one needs!

the moment you open yourself up to loving someone, you have a lot to lose... - Yup :(

I highly suggest you take some serious down time and work on YOU. Get yourself back to good.. Heal!

Dont go rushing into something again - for a while..

Throughout life- we learn ( well some of us). Take this as an experience.. so you know better for next time - If it happens.

To try and NOT be a Rebound..again :(.