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Thread: I blew my second chance. Iím devastated

  1. #1
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    I blew my second chance. Iím devastated

    Iíll try to be quick and I apologize in advance for any typos since I am on my cell phone typing this out.

    My feelings are everywhere. I donít know where to begin. Some of you know, I met a man at work who checked off all of my boxes. Dating him at first was unreal. Heís very mature and usually calm, cool and collected regardless of whatever situation heís in. We broke up the first time because I was very insecure in our relationship. His ex would text him consistently and at all times of night and because I didnít feel secure, weíd constantly bicker. Iíd constantly ask for reassurance. I knew he didnít love me as much as I loved him but dang it was I willing to wait for the opportunity to be loved by the man I love more than anything. One day we talked about the many notifications on my phone and how I have too many and he offered to help clean up my phone. He looked through all of my photos and deleted many texts. I never once flinched, I had nothing to hide.. However, one night I had is iPad in my hands for not even a moment and he snatched it away. Red flag.. but at the time i was quit about it, but it added to the insecurity. We were somewhat living together for a few months and I guess we just got burnt out. We had a terrible break up. I did not leave gracefully. I wish I did, but I couldnít handle how cold he was being towards me. We yelled for hours. I poured out liquor and dumped cologne out. Iíll admit I acted out. Thereís no excuse for my actions. Itís just this is the second person that I ever fell in love with in my life and to him, I couldnít compare to his ex...

    I went completely no contact when we were broken up. I cried every day. Like a nutcase, I social media stalked his ex and saw their photos together and the memories they made with one another. It hurt me even more but I couldnít stop myself. Then I discovered, through digging, that he actually dated me and his ex in the same month. He didnít take the time to get over her. The moment they broke up he was with me.. and to be honest we moved pretty quickly so we had sex early on. I was kind of disgusted that he claimed to have loved this girl, was with her for 3 years and he could not take the time to heal from her. But still, I ached for him.. and as the time went by, I was still hurting. I wanted to move on but I was still in love. Then he started contacting me out of the blue. I acted distant at first, but I fell right in and couldnít resist. One night after hours of talking on the phone the conversation turned sexual. I hadnít had sex and I was so hot because I wanted him so bad. I drove over there in the middle of the night and had one of the hottest sexual nights in my life. No exaggeration, but I wonít go into those details.

    Of course confusion sprung amongst us and a few days after that he told me that he didnít want to hurt me because I am more invested than he is. I still asked for a chance.. but it wasnít until I mentioned that if we were to see other people during this time itís not cheating because weíre not together (I wasnít seeing anyone else at the time. Didnít get with anyone else after we broke up), he automatically told me we were in fact together because weíve seen each other and we had sex a couple of times. I was stunned that we didnít talk about it. Just like that he reclaimed me again. I was happy but confused? But of course I went along with it because I really wanted him. Getting back together felt so amazing.
    To kiss him and hold him again. To run errands together and hold hands. To lay on his chest again, to get cuddled and held before I had fell asleep was everything I was missing. Iím still crazy over this man even now as I type this... then I see her text again. And I wince at her name on his phone. The thoughts of all of the pictures came up in memory again. But i didnít want to argue or bicker. I mentioned it and how it made me feel and dropped it quickly. He assured me I had nothing to worry about. Then one day, he goes out with friends. He gave me the key the next day because he wished that I was in his bed waiting for him. I thought I felt good to get a key again, but it just seems like his reasons were sexually motivated. Not because he trusted me... I tried to talk to him about that but he seemed to be irritated and told me to ďjust be happyĒ and drop it... and so I did.

    One morning I was laying in bed with him, and I saw him turn over and put his passcode in. I was armed with dangerous information. He has two phones and he left that morning to go hand out with friends. Iíve never done this is any relationship in my life, but I snooped and I looked through his phone. Only the text messages and nothing else. He flirted pretty heavily with one of our coworkers even while with me. No big deal. I donít like it but whatever. Then I saw messages between him and his ex. How they have nicknames for one another and theyíre silly over text. Of course he was flirty with her as well. I didnít find any cheating and I didnít think I would... but I did see that the moment we broke up, heís messaging her to go on a Whole Foods run not even a month later. Asking to see her, even she was surprised because she had not seen him in over a year. Why am I surprised? That hurt so I called him and took him away from his time spent with friends. He was irritated he knew I went through his phone and told me that obviously we do not trust each other so we donít need to continue. I panicked. I didnít eat, I threw up. I know I messed up. I insisted on seeing him that night he returned but he didnít want to see me. I know it was wrong, I showed up at his house anyway. He didnít want to let me in ( I left the key in his house before I left). He didnít want me to sit in the car with him. He didnít want to to hug or touch him. He just didnít want me around. He was so cold towards me. I asked him why he was so venomous towards me but he was so kind to her. And his response was ďshe didnít deserve it.Ē Which implies that I do.. I knew I shouldíve walked away and left but with this guy, unlike any other relationship Iíve been in, I have acted impulsively because he just disregards my feelings and he acts like he doesnít have any. Of course he broke up with me again... not even two months in. Iím noticing now that heís a person who goes from one long term relationship to the next with very little time in between. Heís a serial monogamist which explains why he was such a good boyfriend. This isnít his first rodeo. Iím behind on dating. I have a total of 5 relationships that I can count. 2 of them being in high school... and Iím about to turn 28. After my first love broke up with me I was devastated ( I was 19 at the time) and I cried for 3 years. I didnít want to get close to anyone else so, I opted for designated sex partners than opposed to something real. I love my most recent ex more than anyone that I have ever been with. It was my most serious relationship. I never lived with a man before. I never felt so deeply for someone before and I wish I couldíve been that girlfriend who handled things gracefully... but my feelings ran so deep that I just couldnít control how I handled things. I always felt like second best to this ex of his. They have a lot in common. He spoke highly of her, calling her the most rational girl he has ever dated. Going from her to me was like night and day and Iíve always been nervous about that. I blew it. I didnít handle things well and this was a man I didnít mind spending the rest of my life with. I tried so hard. And now, Iím sure heís with his ex that he never stopped loving. I hate being so vulnerable. Because the moment you open yourself up to loving someone, you have a lot to lose... and often times they will walk away and leave you broken. I know that Iím going to be single for a while. And Iím going to be 30 soon. I feel like heís going to go on to the next girl and establish a solid relationship and Iím just going to be by myself... I wish we let more time pass between us before getting back together. I am really hurting.. and Iím sure there is no 3rd chances. And even if there is... he doesnít love me and I love him with every part of me. It just hurts Getting Ready for a First Date
    Last edited by ConfusedLady21; 09-17-2020 at 11:04 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    This is when love and being obsessed have blurred lines. You lose your self worth, accept their poor behavior, you lose your mind and start snooping/questioning, being anxious. You don't need a 3rd chance...you need to get your head on straight and see how unhealthy this relationship was.

    Sorry you are hurting...take a break from it all, and take care of yourself.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    This is when love and being obsessed have blurred lines. You lose your self worth, accept their poor behavior, you lose your mind and start snooping/questioning, being anxious. You don't need a 3rd chance...you need to get your head on straight and see how unhealthy this relationship was.

    Sorry you are hurting...take a break from it all, and take care of yourself.
    We are all working from home now. But eventually Iím going to see him in office. Am I a fool for hoping that one day heíll come around again? I see the things I could have done different...

  4. #4
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Is one of the things you "could have done different" pretending you are fine with the things you know?

    Are you willing to do anything, put up with anything, accept anything just to pretend you two are in an exclusive relationship?

    How do you think that would affect your feelings of self worth? How is pretending everything is fine just to try to keep him going to make you feel more secure and loved?

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  6. #5
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    OP you have an addictive personality. It's a blessing or a curse depending on how you use this streak. Apparently therapy has been suggested many times on your threads. Aside from that, I suggest you find something meaningful in your life. Maybe it's a career, maybe it's a hobby but it has to be something you invest in yourself. You've been chasing this guy for quite some time. First of all, you can't change who he is not in a million years. Do you think other people can change who you are? Nope. Second, this is how you want to waste your life? Chasing other people? Not investing in yourself? Just say...

  7. #6
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    @ boltnrun - one of the things I could have done different is handle things through grace no matter how much it hurts. I knew not to call him and argue with him while he was with friends... or drive other there to see him when he didnít want me to. I drug out or break up again because I knew it was our last time seeing each other again for a while and a part of me just didnít want to leave. I was thinking that maybe if I handled things better, heíd warm up to me and maybe even love me back one day. Just a fraction of how much I love him. I didnít mind waiting. Iíve struggled with feelings of self worth before I met him... I told him that I wasnít ready for a relationship when we first got together, yet he insisted.. so it seemed like he was willing to accept me with my flaws. I was just hoping I could handle this but apparently I could not. Thank you for your response

  8. #7
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    @ Dias - yes Iím in therapy. Iíve avoided red flags, and advice from therapists and friends because I made excuses for him. I told myself that they didnít know him like I did. And sometimes he could be reassuring. I ignored it all because I loved him.. but deep down with my mind I saw him and I ignored all of the painful facts hoping that we could move past it all. Yes, right now Iím spinning. Heís not my life. I missed my deadline to get back into school but next semester is in January so Iíll be ready for that. Iím trying to live my own life but Iím sad and unmotivated and ultimately not happy with myself. Even more so now. But youíre absolutely right. I need to live for me. I agree with everyone on this post

  9. #8
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    This is really obsessive and unhealthy behavior. Did you have any social life before this guy? You are choosing to stay stuck in all of this, and have not taken advice from others when told to disassociate. You've made your entire life about him.

    Have you looked into the journal section of this site. I think that it would be more appropriate.

    Have you considered looking for another job?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about this, really.

    I don't, honestly, think you "blew" anything here, and I hope in time you can come to see it all differently. How I see it, being familiar with your past threads? You needed these last few months, this jagged second go at something that was always jagged, to begin the processónot easy, but rewardingóof addressing the emotional wiring that made this whole vicious, spirit-depleting carousel go round. Think of it like someone with a drinking problem who needed one last black-out evening before taking steps to curb the drinking, even eliminate it, so they can go out at night and really have fun.

    The theme above, as with other posts, is both simple and sad. It seems the thing you like most about this man is that he does not treat you well. Reading that is not fun, I know, but I hope you can read it and digest it. You can try to find clarity and comfort by highlighting his positive qualities, the brief moments where you felt ecstatic, or by analyzing his own iffy relationship habits. Still, the core thing is that he didn't treat you well, that being with him torqued your spiritual equilibrium, and that every moment of mistreatment triggered something that you are calling love. So long as that is what you call love, the high water mark of human emotional experience, you are in trouble.

    Are you a "fool" for hoping that one day he might come around? No. You're a human, feeling the thing humans feel in your shoes. What I'd say would be foolish is indulging that hope, nursing it, holding onto it, and then acting on it. Because if it's not a round three with him? It'll be a repeat of the same saga with someone else. On the other hand, if you look at that "hope" as a glitch in the operating system that is demanding your self-love? Well, that is the beginning of a new paradigm, one where love with and for another is not connected to self-loathing. We all have parts of ourselves that we don't like, that we even hate. Key is to get intimate with them so we shrink them before someone else can inflate them, so they're not the foundation of intimacy.

    If this moment is that, for you? If this moment is the beginning of a deep, intentional personal cleanse? Well, then it's worth something, a lot. It puts you on the pathófamiliar to me, familiar to many people I knowówhere you look back at your 20s as a kind of wild, disjointed time that gave way to something quieter, sturdier, richeróa sense of inner balance that gets shared and explored, and is seen as so precious that those who disrupt it are simply the wrong people to invest energy in rather than the people to lose yourself inside.

    So, I ask: What sounds better? Something along that new paradigm, or more of the same? You are, as we all are, about a zillion times stronger than you know. You just have to choose to excavate that strength.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    @ boltnrun - one of the things I could have done different is handle things through grace no matter how much it hurts. I knew not to call him and argue with him while he was with friends... or drive other there to see him when he didnít want me to. I drug out or break up again because I knew it was our last time seeing each other again for a while and a part of me just didnít want to leave. I was thinking that maybe if I handled things better, heíd warm up to me and maybe even love me back one day. Just a fraction of how much I love him. I didnít mind waiting. Iíve struggled with feelings of self worth before I met him... I told him that I wasnít ready for a relationship when we first got together, yet he insisted.. so it seemed like he was willing to accept me with my flaws. I was just hoping I could handle this but apparently I could not. Thank you for your response
    So you think if you "handled things through 'grace'" that would have made him love you? All the involvement with his ex would have magically disappeared?

    The phrase "handled things through 'grace'" is just word salad. What it really means is "pretend I don't see what's right in front of me". It means trying to lie to yourself about reality, shutting your eyes and putting your hands over your ears shouting "NAH NAH NAH" and burying your head into the sand. All this in an attempt to keep this man who has clearly demonstrated (and said outright) that he doesn't feel the same way you do.

    Why bother paying for therapy and enlisting the help of friends and family if you're just going to ignore everything they say? Same thing with this forum. Multiple times people have advised you to leave this situation for good but all you want is to keep going back.

    Do you realize you are acting as your own worst enemy? Why do you dislike yourself so much?

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