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Thread: He needs space - means I'm done with you?

  1. #1
    Bronze Member teeEFc's Avatar
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    He needs space - means I'm done with you?

    Okay - question time:

    I have tried to rekindle things with my ex. It's been rocky to say the least. He reached out to me after being dumped by his girlfriend late Jan 2020 (I had been in NC since October 30th).

    I determined I wouldn't make the same mistakes as before - given that we're long distance - I committed to actually seeing him in person.

    I succeeded in visiting him twice. Both times - they were rough. We had our differences. I had difficulties dealing with his hot and cold behaviours. It was really hard on me. He admitted that he was being mean to me - and felt bad about it. However, I understood that he has trust issues with me - so I tried my best to find all the patience in the world to deal with his behaviours. We even fooled around a bit.

    He has admitted that I've become a lot better in dealing with 'difficult' conversations. Whatever requests he wants - I try my best to fulfill. He says I can't say certain words to him 'ex: the words never or always' - as they are trigger words for him and he'll hang up the phone or yell at me. I correct my language around him so as to diminish his triggers and not upset him. I don't yell, scream etc at disagreements. I practice a lot of my work that I've done in therapy = I listen, try to hear him and HONOR his narratives.

    Anyways - fast forward to now. I have the opportunity to stay with him for an extended amount of time to continue working on things = rare opportunity!
    He was open to the idea, then not, then open again - then shut it down.

    He didn't really respond to my phone calls. Then after I sent a few lengthy messages about being excited to work on things etc - his only response "I need space until October 9th" (He said he's got a major work commitment and doesn't have the mental energy to deal with working on a relationship etc)

    I have given him his space. It's been over a week of not talking to him (and we'd talk every day).

    Is he seeing someone else? Is it over? He told me in a convo RIGHT BEFORE he asked for space that I should remain hopeful and optimistic about us working on things. Now this? It's so hot and cold.

    I don't know WHAT I DID to change his behaviour within 1 day from being excited to work on things to not wanting to see me at all.


    So - what do you folks think? I'm really hurt and confused. However - I'm honouring his wishes and not bothering him. If he contacts me, that's great. If not - I guess I move on?
    I just want some perspectives on here - why even bother saying he needs space? Why not just straight up say - I'm done. Good luck. Don't contact me again?
    Last edited by teeEFc; 09-17-2020 at 01:36 AM.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by teeEFc
    So - what do you folks think?
    Truthfully? I had to read your post twice and can't for the life of me understand WHY you would want anything to do with this guy. He sounds like a real jerk (sorry). You can do sooooo much better! If I were you I would head for the hills. I wouldn't waste anymore time and energy on this guy. Move on. You don't need this clown in your life.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member teeEFc's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    Truthfully? I had to read your post twice and can't for the life of me understand WHY you would want anything to do with this guy. He sounds like a real jerk (sorry). You can do sooooo much better! If I were you I would head for the hills. I wouldn't waste anymore time and energy on this guy. Move on. You don't need this clown in your life.
    Thanks for your speedy reply. I've read a lot of your comments from the past. You are an awesome person to have helped so many ppl. Thanks for your time in reading my plight.

    I will not contact this person anymore. I'm done with the pleading, begging and emotional effort to make things work. It hurts to get continual rejection. He keeps saying 'oh so you give up on the relationship?" - and I just keep saying "well, it's not that I'm giving up, I just want you to treat me with some kindness and interest"

  4. #4
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    This guy has got you so wrapped around his finger that you can’t see what a jerk he is.

    You can’t use the word “never” or “always” or he loses his mind? OP, come on. That is not normal. It’s absurd and ridiculously manipulative. He’s got you walking on eggshells and you seem to think that this is all your fault. That you need to “honour his narrative.” Pfft, what a load of BS. He’s not s good guy and he exploits your fragility and lack of self-worth.

    Girl, you need to give your head a shake. What are doing even still talking to this clown? This isn’t healthy at all and it’s not going to end well. Please, stay away from him and maybe look into some counselling for yourself. Your mindset and approach here are concerning and will leave you vulnerable to other toxic men if you don’t work on it now.

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  6. #5
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    You were having to censor how you spoke to him, tried to please him with whatever he wanted, stayed despite him being meant to you and despite all that, you question what YOU did wrong? You're pinning the blame on the wrong person.

    You don't need someone who blows hot and cold and makes you feel bad about yourself. Let him have his space - permanently.

  7. #6
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    Please stay away from him. If you two were to reconcile, he would be excited and looking forward to more contact not reducing till October.
    He cannot put relationship on hold. He is super confident and arrogant.
    He can easily have one relationship now and keep you on the bench in the meantime.
    Dont do this to yourself.
    You sound lovely and you can do so so much better, like others so rightly advised.
    He does not have any strong feelings for you. Sure, he can welcome you from time to time and have benefits of a relationship.
    This will drain you.
    Leave him be till October 2025!

  8. #7
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    I determined I wouldn't make the same mistakes as before - given that we're long distance - I committed to actually seeing him in person.

    I succeeded in visiting him twice.”


    If you were so determined , why on earth did YOU visit him??
    That WAS you making the same mistake over and over.
    And then you said you “SUCCEEDED” in visiting him twice?

    What does succeeded mean in your opinion?
    He allowed you to?
    Or you have a fear of travel and overcame that?
    What???

    This person has zero interest in visiting you.
    Hasn’t visited you.

    Why are you bothering to get validation from someone who simply does not give a damn?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why chase someone who causes so much pain and confusion?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    You don't deserve to be treated this way. This guy is taking his horrible self out on you. Making you jump through hoops, creating weird rules like never saying never, making his offers them rescinding. It's time to recognize you're basically being abused by this guy and he is a total jerk.

    The more important question is, why are you ok with this? I used to be a doormat. I never thought I was the probkem. I saw the good in everyone. I always had a lot of damaged hanger-on-ers that were like this guy, complicated, emotional, blah blah...

    I didn't think I had low self esteem.I'm still not sure I did. But I wasted a lot of time and emotional energy on people that would have never done the same for me.

    I think for me, I was under so much pressure to be in a relationship and to conform to society expectations... But what my society didn't see was that all these guys just sucked as partners. And you can't make a silk person out of a sow's ear. an old saying that still stands.

    This guy is not going to magically become a great guy. No matter how much YOU but into it. Walk away.Raise your standards. When a person treats you this way, get away from them.

    I'm sorry this happened but see it for what it is, a lesson and don't let it happen again.

  11. #10
    Bronze Member teeEFc's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    This guy has got you so wrapped around his finger that you can’t see what a jerk he is.

    You can’t use the word “never” or “always” or he loses his mind? OP, come on. That is not normal. It’s absurd and ridiculously manipulative. He’s got you walking on eggshells and you seem to think that this is all your fault. That you need to “honour his narrative.” Pfft, what a load of BS. He’s not s good guy and he exploits your fragility and lack of self-worth.

    Girl, you need to give your head a shake. What are doing even still talking to this clown? This isn’t healthy at all and it’s not going to end well. Please, stay away from him and maybe look into some counselling for yourself. Your mindset and approach here are concerning and will leave you vulnerable to other toxic men if you don’t work on it now.
    Thanks for your message. I guess I just blame myself for my past mistakes and I feel like if I only do what he asks - he'll show me the loving part of himself that I saw at the beginning of our relationship all those years ago.

    He asked me "don't you think I can be nice to you again?" I hesitated and said "well, that's a choice you can always make". He didn't like my answer. He said that he only treats me poorly - but he said it's my fault because he's still hurt from me. I told him he should try and be kinder to me.

    I guess I never thought about him exploiting my fragility etc. I just kept telling myself that his angry, hateful reactions were a product or a result of my actions from before.

    I'm getting some counseling for myself. I just don't get why he would 'put distance' between us when he kept telling me he wants to work on things? So confused.

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