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He needs space - means I'm done with you?


teeEFc

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Okay - question time:

 

I have tried to rekindle things with my ex. It's been rocky to say the least. He reached out to me after being dumped by his girlfriend late Jan 2020 (I had been in NC since October 30th).

 

I determined I wouldn't make the same mistakes as before - given that we're long distance - I committed to actually seeing him in person.

 

I succeeded in visiting him twice. Both times - they were rough. We had our differences. I had difficulties dealing with his hot and cold behaviours. It was really hard on me. He admitted that he was being mean to me - and felt bad about it. However, I understood that he has trust issues with me - so I tried my best to find all the patience in the world to deal with his behaviours. We even fooled around a bit.

 

He has admitted that I've become a lot better in dealing with 'difficult' conversations. Whatever requests he wants - I try my best to fulfill. He says I can't say certain words to him 'ex: the words never or always' - as they are trigger words for him and he'll hang up the phone or yell at me. I correct my language around him so as to diminish his triggers and not upset him. I don't yell, scream etc at disagreements. I practice a lot of my work that I've done in therapy = I listen, try to hear him and HONOR his narratives.

 

Anyways - fast forward to now. I have the opportunity to stay with him for an extended amount of time to continue working on things = rare opportunity!

He was open to the idea, then not, then open again - then shut it down.

 

He didn't really respond to my phone calls. Then after I sent a few lengthy messages about being excited to work on things etc - his only response "I need space until October 9th" (He said he's got a major work commitment and doesn't have the mental energy to deal with working on a relationship etc)

 

I have given him his space. It's been over a week of not talking to him (and we'd talk every day).

 

Is he seeing someone else? Is it over? He told me in a convo RIGHT BEFORE he asked for space that I should remain hopeful and optimistic about us working on things. Now this? It's so hot and cold.

 

I don't know WHAT I DID to change his behaviour within 1 day from being excited to work on things to not wanting to see me at all.

 

 

So - what do you folks think? I'm really hurt and confused. However - I'm honouring his wishes and not bothering him. If he contacts me, that's great. If not - I guess I move on?

I just want some perspectives on here - why even bother saying he needs space? Why not just straight up say - I'm done. Good luck. Don't contact me again?

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So - what do you folks think?

Truthfully? I had to read your post twice and can't for the life of me understand WHY you would want anything to do with this guy. He sounds like a real jerk (sorry). You can do sooooo much better! If I were you I would head for the hills. I wouldn't waste anymore time and energy on this guy. Move on. You don't need this clown in your life.

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Truthfully? I had to read your post twice and can't for the life of me understand WHY you would want anything to do with this guy. He sounds like a real jerk (sorry). You can do sooooo much better! If I were you I would head for the hills. I wouldn't waste anymore time and energy on this guy. Move on. You don't need this clown in your life.

 

Thanks for your speedy reply. I've read a lot of your comments from the past. You are an awesome person to have helped so many ppl. Thanks for your time in reading my plight.

 

I will not contact this person anymore. I'm done with the pleading, begging and emotional effort to make things work. It hurts to get continual rejection. He keeps saying 'oh so you give up on the relationship?" - and I just keep saying "well, it's not that I'm giving up, I just want you to treat me with some kindness and interest"

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This guy has got you so wrapped around his finger that you can’t see what a jerk he is.

 

You can’t use the word “never” or “always” or he loses his mind? OP, come on. That is not normal. It’s absurd and ridiculously manipulative. He’s got you walking on eggshells and you seem to think that this is all your fault. That you need to “honour his narrative.” Pfft, what a load of BS. He’s not s good guy and he exploits your fragility and lack of self-worth.

 

Girl, you need to give your head a shake. What are doing even still talking to this clown? This isn’t healthy at all and it’s not going to end well. Please, stay away from him and maybe look into some counselling for yourself. Your mindset and approach here are concerning and will leave you vulnerable to other toxic men if you don’t work on it now.

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You were having to censor how you spoke to him, tried to please him with whatever he wanted, stayed despite him being meant to you and despite all that, you question what YOU did wrong? You're pinning the blame on the wrong person.

 

You don't need someone who blows hot and cold and makes you feel bad about yourself. Let him have his space - permanently.

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Please stay away from him. If you two were to reconcile, he would be excited and looking forward to more contact not reducing till October.

He cannot put relationship on hold. He is super confident and arrogant.

He can easily have one relationship now and keep you on the bench in the meantime.

Dont do this to yourself.

You sound lovely and you can do so so much better, like others so rightly advised.

He does not have any strong feelings for you. Sure, he can welcome you from time to time and have benefits of a relationship.

This will drain you.

Leave him be till October 2025!

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I determined I wouldn't make the same mistakes as before - given that we're long distance - I committed to actually seeing him in person.

 

I succeeded in visiting him twice.”

 

If you were so determined , why on earth did YOU visit him??

That WAS you making the same mistake over and over.

And then you said you “SUCCEEDED” in visiting him twice?

 

What does succeeded mean in your opinion?

He allowed you to?

Or you have a fear of travel and overcame that?

What???

 

This person has zero interest in visiting you.

Hasn’t visited you.

 

Why are you bothering to get validation from someone who simply does not give a damn?

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You don't deserve to be treated this way. This guy is taking his horrible self out on you. Making you jump through hoops, creating weird rules like never saying never, making his offers them rescinding. It's time to recognize you're basically being abused by this guy and he is a total jerk.

 

The more important question is, why are you ok with this? I used to be a doormat. I never thought I was the probkem. I saw the good in everyone. I always had a lot of damaged hanger-on-ers that were like this guy, complicated, emotional, blah blah...

 

I didn't think I had low self esteem.I'm still not sure I did. But I wasted a lot of time and emotional energy on people that would have never done the same for me.

 

I think for me, I was under so much pressure to be in a relationship and to conform to society expectations... But what my society didn't see was that all these guys just sucked as partners. And you can't make a silk person out of a sow's ear. an old saying that still stands.

 

This guy is not going to magically become a great guy. No matter how much YOU but into it. Walk away.Raise your standards. When a person treats you this way, get away from them.

 

I'm sorry this happened but see it for what it is, a lesson and don't let it happen again.

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This guy has got you so wrapped around his finger that you can’t see what a jerk he is.

 

You can’t use the word “never” or “always” or he loses his mind? OP, come on. That is not normal. It’s absurd and ridiculously manipulative. He’s got you walking on eggshells and you seem to think that this is all your fault. That you need to “honour his narrative.” Pfft, what a load of BS. He’s not s good guy and he exploits your fragility and lack of self-worth.

 

Girl, you need to give your head a shake. What are doing even still talking to this clown? This isn’t healthy at all and it’s not going to end well. Please, stay away from him and maybe look into some counselling for yourself. Your mindset and approach here are concerning and will leave you vulnerable to other toxic men if you don’t work on it now.

 

Thanks for your message. I guess I just blame myself for my past mistakes and I feel like if I only do what he asks - he'll show me the loving part of himself that I saw at the beginning of our relationship all those years ago.

 

He asked me "don't you think I can be nice to you again?" I hesitated and said "well, that's a choice you can always make". He didn't like my answer. He said that he only treats me poorly - but he said it's my fault because he's still hurt from me. I told him he should try and be kinder to me.

 

I guess I never thought about him exploiting my fragility etc. I just kept telling myself that his angry, hateful reactions were a product or a result of my actions from before.

 

I'm getting some counseling for myself. I just don't get why he would 'put distance' between us when he kept telling me he wants to work on things? So confused. :upset:

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You were having to censor how you spoke to him, tried to please him with whatever he wanted, stayed despite him being meant to you and despite all that, you question what YOU did wrong? You're pinning the blame on the wrong person.

 

You don't need someone who blows hot and cold and makes you feel bad about yourself. Let him have his space - permanently.

 

Thanks for your response! Yes - I did whatever I could to mitigate his poor behaviour against me. His treatment of me was so poor that I would say 'maybe it's best I leave then?' - he would then react very poorly to my statement saying that it's not fair that I say things like this and that this makes him treat me even worse etc. I admit - I shouldn't say those types of things if I want to build trust - it's just he would be so cold and mean to me in his actions that I was starting to go insane.

 

I actually changed my flight dates because I couldn't take it anymore. He says I need to have more patience and deal with his cruelty until he's decided I'm trustworthy again. But - he'll say things like "We're either in a relationship or we're not - and right now - we're NOT, so don't expect any loving actions from me until I decide if I want to be in a relationship with you again".

 

It's a real crazy time.

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Please stay away from him. If you two were to reconcile, he would be excited and looking forward to more contact not reducing till October.

He cannot put relationship on hold. He is super confident and arrogant.

He can easily have one relationship now and keep you on the bench in the meantime.

Dont do this to yourself.

You sound lovely and you can do so so much better, like others so rightly advised.

He does not have any strong feelings for you. Sure, he can welcome you from time to time and have benefits of a relationship.

This will drain you.

Leave him be till October 2025!

 

Thanks for your input!

Exactly - I was thinking the same thing. If he wanted to see me and work on a relationship - he'd move mountains to make sure he could work on things with me WHILE I could be in the same space as him (long distance otherwise!).

 

As well - I would have to move to HIS city and give up my permanent position. His city is known as the most dangerous city in our country - and when I was there recently I WAS physically attacked by a stranger etc etc.

 

I guess you're right - he's putting the relationship 'on hold' because he's confident/arrogant. But - why not just say it's done? I guess that's what is bothering me right now - just the complete and utter dishonesty when a couple of days before that he said I should be optimistic in our future? Why the ABOUTFACE? I guess my soul just can't rectify this type of behaviour for some reason.

 

Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

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I determined I wouldn't make the same mistakes as before - given that we're long distance - I committed to actually seeing him in person.

 

I succeeded in visiting him twice.”

 

If you were so determined , why on earth did YOU visit him??

That WAS you making the same mistake over and over.

And then you said you “SUCCEEDED” in visiting him twice?

 

What does succeeded mean in your opinion?

He allowed you to?

Or you have a fear of travel and overcame that?

What???

 

This person has zero interest in visiting you.

Hasn’t visited you.

 

Why are you bothering to get validation from someone who simply does not give a damn?

 

Thanks for your response!

In the past - he moved for me to my city. However - as I learned later - his employer in his other city asked him to pack up and leave....so I'm not sure exactly whether he was leaving a good thing or seeking a way out anyways. This is why I have the guilt that he left his city for me - so I felt like it was my turn to make the advances to see him and SHOW HIM how serious I was about working on things?

 

But - yes - he has no interest in visiting me. He doesn't have a job right now - so that's partly why he can't afford to visit me? I did say I'd pay for his airfare AND he'd basically stay at my place without any worries regarding anything. Because he's doing volunteer work - he could do it remotely. But - I digress.

 

The concept of success is that I felt successful that I somehow arranged to see him despite the various difficulties in doing so with my job etc - and especially with covid etc - I did have a huge fear of travelling and contracting something.

 

I don't know why I need validation from this person. You're right - I don't get it at all. I think I'm just bothered by the way he discarded me. Why not be honest? Why flip on a dime when he was willing to work on things with me and he even told me to be optimistic about our future? His actions confound me - and I guess that's what's driving me nutty.

 

But yes - I can see that my desire for validation from him seems ridiculous. I feel like it's an addiction to him and his 'highs and lows' rather than any true affections. I just feel bad - like someone else would only get the good - if only I was a better person he'd treat me nicely too.

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Why chase someone who causes so much pain and confusion?

 

yah - I know I know.

I guess I just feel guilty - like if only I was a better person - he'd stop causing so much pain and confusion? I have done my very best to be whatever he needed. And, if I did lose my cool - I would admit my faults and actively change things for the future.

 

Wiseman - why did he drop me like this? Why the aboutface? Why did he have these invested convos about 'working on a relationship' etc - and then cease all communication? It's so hurtful. He did say that whatever he's got until October 9th is very important - as this could change his volunteer career trajectory for the future - and he doesn't have any time = ZERO time - to give me any part of himself. So - I don't know if this silent treatment is validated if he's got important volunteer work to do.

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He doesnt say " its done" simply cause for him it is nice to have a woman visiting from time to time and get all the benefits of relationship. No hard work, no effort - not even much investment. She pays for tickets and is there for him.

Who on earth would put a stop to this ?

Its convenience, fun and does a require a minimum to none effort. Currently- none effort as he requested space till October ....

I am getting frustrated by this man writing this.

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tee, your thoughts are in a panic. Just recognize this is normal in a break up or when things are falling apart. If you can seize these moments and recognize this (the racing thoughts and anxiety, hurt, pain) you'll also recognize and know when to avoid this again. He's also unfortunately not attracted to you at all. This is a long distance relationship and you may not be seeing or getting a good idea of what this person really is. Your mind has already transposed the past onto the present and you're continuously living a figment of imagination (belonging to the past). He's not what he used to be and this isn't the relationship that you knew all that time ago.

 

You also can't cover for someone who is dealing with their own issues of employment or other mental health issues no matter how much you want to spend or save them. Why do you feel you need to save this person from himself? You're behaving more like a parent than a partner. Why is this person triggering these behaviours? If you can view him as an adult capable of making his own decisions, I don't think you'd be spending this much time trying to make sure he fixes his hurts so he can be better towards you. Pick men who are able to brush and polish themselves.

 

You may not be insecure about yourself but you are taking on a lot more than you should. If you've seen this around in your role models or the way your mother's behaved with your father or the way other women in your society are told they need to treat their male counterparts, I think you should recondition. You seem like a smart woman to me - educated, self-sufficient and on your way. Don't squander your life and repeat unhealthy relationship patterns or cycles from the past. Look at the reality of what's happening, not what your imagination wants it to be.

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Tee.

 

This was all smoke and mirrors.

 

"he'll show me the loving part of himself that I saw at the beginning of our relationship all those years ago.

"

 

 

People are loving or they are not. It isn't a "part", or a show to be interspersed with abusive behaviour. Although of course that is how these individuals operate.

 

No doubt he is enjoying the puppet show, pulling your strings.

 

As Capricorn said:

 

"Move on. You don't need this clown in your life."

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Why drop you like that? Same reason why people wipe their filthy muddy boots on a doormat.

 

He can drop you, he can pick you back up again, he can "allow" you to come over while he acts like a raging ahole, he can dictate to you what words you may or may not say around him and your only response is - please abuse me some more, I love it and will come running and begging for more.

 

Like other posters, I simply cannot wrap my mind around what on earth you are getting out of this. It's so horrible, that if you didn't have so many posts, I'd think you are trolling, as in this cannot be real. I'm not trying to be mean to you, just desperately trying to get across to you how bad this so called relationship is for you. It's beyond words.

 

As for your fear that if you walk away he'll magically become a good guy to someone else.....you've got to be kidding. That's like thinking a poisonous snake will turn into a cuddly bunny just because you walked away. That's magical thinking and it doesn't happen, at least not on this planet. Abusers NEVER change. They might pretend, they might even put on a good show of it, a grand facade, but behind closed doors they are just tearing into their latest victim.

 

Please for the love of, block and delete this guy from any access to you. Throw away everything that would even remind you of him and work hard with your therapist to figure out why you found this toxic dynamic so attractive.

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It's unclear why you are deliberately putting yourself through this much self-destruction, danger and pain. Why not delete block him and find a local guy in a safe place who wants a relationship?.

His city is known as the most dangerous city in our country - and when I was there recently I WAS physically attacked by a stranger etc etc..
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Why do you think behaving like a doormat will make him love you?

 

You know what people do with doormats? They wipe their dirty shoes on them. The do not love or respect or have relationships with them. They wipe their shoes and then they forget about them until the next time they need to wipe their dirty shoes off.

 

It's really sad to read about all the things you're willing to do to try to keep this abusive loser. You're going to support him financially just so you can pretend you two are in a relationship? Paying him to be your boyfriend? Really?

 

Please, for the love of everything holy, please get into therapy asap. Delete this guy's number and contact info and block him from contacting you. And attend regular therapy to find out why you dislike yourself so much. Because that's the only explanation I can think of; you dislike yourself so much that you are willing to PAY this guy to be your boyfriend despite his abuse of you. Because you don't like yourself, you don't believe anyone will truly love you.

 

Please put a stop to this today.

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I wish you could see how he enjoys having this power over you, as well as having you at his mercy. As to him needing "space," this appears to be just another way of keeping you on your toes. Mission accomplished!

 

Keep in mind that when you constantly try to prove your worth to someone, you've already lost your value. In short, I hope you find your way.

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He's probably got another woman staying with him until the 9th, or he's gone to see another woman until then.

 

But really? Why he wants "space" is irrelevant in light of the seriously dysfunction, toxic dynamic you two have. This is a terribly unhealthy dead-end, OP. You need to get the heck away from this jerk and work on you, so you don't let anyone else treat you so poorly in the future.

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You my love was being used as a door mat ! he's got some issues and stated saying things to you what you can say and what you can't say controlling behaviour thats bad! and its on him not you ,but you excepted it which made his behaviour towards you worse . his interest levels for you dropped because he could not respect you because he was walking all over you hun , your better off with out him , know your worth , chances are he will contact you again if you stay in NC but I wouldn't give him the time of day !

 

TopicEx

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