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Why is he being so cold?


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I know I shouldn't but I did. I decided to send my ex one last text just because I cannot understand why he has been so selfish and cowardly to end our relationship by text and be so cold about it after 4 years and how much I've done for him. I was just telling him how upset I am, I feel depressed and been crying every day and that I looked back at my Facebook and saw how much we did together and what fun we had. I was hoping for a reply along the lines of I know you're upset and I am sorry that i hurt you in how i ended it and i was wrong and am sorry for how you're feeling. Just something to make me think he at least cares about how I am. But all I got was "I am not showing you disrespect I am keeping the peace as I do not want nasty to and frows which is what will happen". I said that wouldnt happen if he showed me some respect which again you have not and again I get ignored. I'm hurt he ended it sure but yes i do think I deserve better and its probably for the best for me in the long term but what is killing me is how he has been with me now after everything I've done for him and there has been a lot. Why cant he just say he is sorry for the pain and it's not what he wanted to do or something like that? Why is he being so cold to my feelings?

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He is cold because he doesn't want to recognize his role in hurting you.

 

According to your past threads, this has not been a great relationship and it's not the first time he's broken up with you. The pain is awful; I do get that. But at some point, you need to take your power back and stop trying to extract love, care and respect from someone like him. You can't make someone apologize or show you respect, unfortunately.

 

Maybe, in some way, you need to see this side of him to help you finally let go. It sounds like you overlooked a lot of serious red flags along the way and let him get away with not really being emotionally present the way a boyfriend should be. You've allowed him to bounce in and out of your life, and hung on despite the inherent instability between you two. I don't mean to suggest that you deserve any of this. Rather, I think it's time you face up to the truth of this guy: he's not the partner you wanted him to be, and he's not going to be. He doesn't care about you the same way you care about him and his investment in the relationship was much lower than yours.

 

For your own sanity, you need to stop trying to make him see your value. It's only going to hurt you further when he continues not to. Delete his number from your phone and block him, if you have to.

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I say this with a lot of compassion as I think most of us have been there at some point. You need to stop breaking your own heart by going back to this man and expecting validation for your feelings and apologies.

You're going to have to accept that it's not going to happen.

 

You will only upset yourself trying to understand why, and truthfully, there might never be any answers to the whys.

Breaking up is a very difficult thing to go through in life. Most want closure, at least what they deem as closure. And it's frustrating and upsetting when you don't get that.

But at some point, you have to find the peace within and just come to terms with not being able to get from him what you're needing.

It will be hard to accept, but eventually, you will start to let go and letting go will bring you peace.

 

Some people in our life are meant to be for a lifetime, some are only meant to be for a short while. It's heartbreaking when the ones you wanted to be for a lifetime, just aren't.

But you can find the strength within, to accept this reality with grace and dignity.

 

Let him go now. For your own sake.

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you need to stop trying to make him see your value

 

Never, ever forget, that just because he doesn't see your value, does not mean you're not valuable.

 

He's not the right guy, and he's not the one who will love you for all that you are. But you are worthy of a lot of love and to be loved properly.

It just won't be from him.

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He has ALWAYS been cold to your feelings and you ALWAYS accepted that.

Why do you suddenly expect him to care when he simply never did?

 

I’m sorry that is hard to hear but that’s the truth based on what YOU have said.

 

Yes you might have had some fun times together but this started as a fwb , no promise of committment ever from him except to accept your proposition to be gf / bf over fwb?

But that was your idea not his.

Probably accepted that proposition and “title” over losing the sex?

 

But while you wrongly thought his acceptance of a label was commitment , he just saw it as a means to an end.

 

He is not going to tell you what you want to hear because he doesn’t want the drama that will ensue. Regardless of what he tells you, there will be feedback and repercussions from you. Correct?

 

Forget about any contact from him.

Deal with the fact that this relationship was not what you desired.

You imagined it to become something it never would and he never promised you that.

 

He ended what he considered a fwb but what you considered to be something else.

 

You will in time realise this. Best of luck. X

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You want closure, you want emotions from him that he doesn't have and you want him to say something, anything to validate you.

 

In the end even if he wrote you a thousand page note telling you everything you want to hear it would not change the fact that it is over. Hard to accept and it hurts like hell but that is the cold hard truth.

 

He is ignoring you because he does not want to deal with what a jerk he is. Avoidance is common when you do not want to face something difficult.

 

He has done you a huge....No, a GIGANTIC FAVOR by breaking up with you. You just need to see it through the tears.

 

Lost

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Exactly what Lost just said:

 

"He is ignoring you because he does not want to deal with what a jerk he is. Avoidance is common when you do not want to face something difficult.

 

He has done you a huge....No, a GIGANTIC FAVOR by breaking up with you. You just need to see it through the tears."

 

OP. Your remark :

 

"what is killing me is how he has been with me now after everything I've done for him and there has been a lot"

 

It is vitally important that you never do a lot/too much for anyone ever again.

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Don't look at Facebook or social media - deactivate or close the accounts. It seems to be triggering your emotions. It's fine to take breaks from social media. It doesn't mean you lose people in your life. Know when to cut your losses and step back. I went through the earlier threads in Sept about this person. If you were dating during his divorce (in those four years) or he hasn't processed his divorce in previous years before you, he has to do that. I know this is not what you want to hear either but he doesn't owe you therapy or support during the break up either. You have to find these resources on your own either through professional therapy, friends, family or other support networks.

 

If he did say "I'm sorry for the way you're feeling" does this actually help or would it open up the conversation to disagreements on how the relationship ended? He doesn't want to be convinced that it works when he doesn't see it that way. Some people don't have any finesse or consideration either when breaking up. If he hurt you by his comments that didn't make sense to begin with - your greasy hair, the way you smell, criticizing your shower times or habits or cleanliness - when you know you've taken care of your appearance or his comments are rude and not justified, what good would any "I'm sorry for the way you're feeling" do? This person already exposed himself for being inconsiderate, superficial and rude. Would you really (deep down) accept any form of respect or pseudo respectful conversation from a person capable of making those other inconsiderate comments to you?

 

Turn to your family and friends if you can. You shouldn't have to deal with a break up alone. If you have faith, turn to your faith. This isn't the end of the world and he shouldn't be your world. If that's the way he broke up with you and the things he's said, this person is so much smaller than what the rest of your life can be. You don't have to solve all the hurt right away or start decoding why a broken or superficial person says broken and superficial things. Your only priority right now is to get through each day and fulfill the rest of your commitments. Answers will come to you slowly (without the help of this person). Trust in that and trust in yourself. You don't have to process or bite off more than you can chew right now.

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Why? Because this is who he is, this is who he has always been.

 

You've invested so many years, time, effort, your heart into someone who was a bad investment from day one. I really hope that you start to open your eyes and actually see that at along last, because that will be your real closure. This entire relationship was a huge mistake on your part.

 

You are still stuck in that tunnel vision of "I'll make him want me, respect me, love me." - why? Meanwhile he is showing you again and bluntly that he is not at all the man you want. Time to cut your losses, heal, think long and hard about what drove you to cling to this rude jerk for so long and move on. Once you sit with yourself and face some honest truths about your choices, you'll find a man who is actually worth investing in, who won't trample on your heart.

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You're starting new threads every day asking the same question over and over.

 

You know for a fact this is the kind of man he is. He will not suddenly change into a loving and caring person toward you. It will NEVER happen.

 

See my signature line; this man will not do anything to make you feel better because he NEVER HAS.

 

Focus on your kids. They need you to be a strong mother, not crying and upset all the time. They love you; revel in their love and realize how wonderful it is to have those beautiful children in your life.

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I've since learned that the more you expect of people, the more hurt you will feel. Expect less of others and you will become unemotional and clear or levelheaded. Emotion clouds your judgment. I even take it a step further and expect the WORST in people. This way, if they're actually sincerely good, I am surprised and pleased. Whenever I expect the WORST in people, I'm no longer shocked nor surprised by anything in anymore as I've seen and heard it all already. My mother even took it even further than I did and once told me that a lot of people merely pretend to be good. In other words, a lot of people are hypocrites. I don't always think the way my mother does. However, on some days, I'm convinced by her because I've observed what she has observed during my lifetime as well as hers.

 

To answer your question about why he refuses to apologize. There are several reasons. It's easier to rid of you conveniently by not dealing with you, by not explaining anything to you and by ridding you, it's less hassle for him. He's taking the easy way out by discarding you like trash. You are disposable. It's a cruel world out there and some people are heartless. It's easier to turn you off than go through the motions of relentless back 'n forth texting which requires too much effort, labor and thinking. He lacks empathy. He simply does not care. He doesn't want to waste his time and energy on you because you're not worth it. You don't matter. I've known people like him. People like him dismiss others effortlessly because it's easier.

 

People who lack empathy are also not humble, in denial, do not admit to anything, very prideful, egotistical, self-centered and selfish. Accept his character defect. You don't have to like it but you'll have to grudgingly accept his immoral character. The world is full of them.

 

Why is he being so cold to your feelings? For the same reason as mentioned above. He does not feel for you. Again, lack of empathy, lack of moral consciousness and lack of integrity. He is apathetic and indifferent which is universal for a lot of people.

 

With all due respect, you are naive. I've been around the block a few times in this thing called life. As you can surmise, I'm rather wary and jaded. Being disrespected by obnoxiously rude people is something that many people have experienced. Therefore, there is no shock and awe.

 

Block and delete him from FB and your social media. Then he'll eventually become "out of sight, out of mind" and over time he'll become a blur in your memory. Then eventually after that, days, weeks and months will pass by before he is ever in your memory anymore. Sure, I think of bad people from my past but not as often anymore as time marches on. This will happen to you, too.

 

Also, start with healthy distractions for yourself. Get busy living or get busy dying. Exercise, do hobbies, crafts, watch great uplifting movies or documentaries, read great, inspiring books, surround yourself with very moral, honorable friends or family (even virtually during this pandemic), cook well, eat right, take good care of your health and go on outings. Your options are limitless. Surround yourself with positive influences. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with respect. Stop obsessing on a guy who isn't worth it. Feel thankful and relieved that you're no longer in his life because he doesn't deserve you.

 

Good times in the past don't matter if he didn't respect you regarding how he broke up with you. It's cowardly of him to break up with you via text. He's not what you call A MAN. A real man knows how to behave like a real gentleman. He is NOT.

 

This is a wake up call for you. You will grow, mature and become wiser everyday. Chin up. This too shall pass.

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