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Thread: Getting fed up

  1. #21
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You had a nice evening out and got laid...what is there not to like? She was lonely, you were lonely, a need was fulfilled. If only all dates were this good..... Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by teach
    Thanks, I did think that, but I thought the flirting and the sex chat does initiate the spark. Besides it was her who brought the sex chat up in the first place!
    Though you never really answered my question about if you hadn't had sex would it make a difference. But each time you try to explain your confusion you mention "but we had sex"
    That leads me to my response - don't have sex too early.
    Interesting we grill women with the same advice but yet hold back when the tables are turned.
    I'm just guessing had you had a friendly date that didn't end up in bed you might not be so confused today.
    Next time don't. At least if you think it might throw you off a bit and it's a relationship you're looking for.
    One night stands sometimes turn into relationship s. But if you don't have in you to take it in stride when it doesn't, then don't do it. It's ok. I don't do it for this exact reason.
    It's a gamble. Some people are good gamblers. Some arent.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    This was many years ago. I went on a couple of dates with a man. I'm not sure where we were but for some reason he had to open his trunk for something and he had a bag. I think I made a joke about what might be in the black duffel bag (dark humour) and he said with a straight face that he always has an overnighter bag in his trunk just in case he may need it. Nothing in his work life would have required that so I respectfully declined any other dates. He had some other quirks that were a bit hard to live with too.

    Yes, trust your instincts!

  4. #24
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Pretty much what's already been said - you are confusing sexy time with connection.

    Just like there are plenty of men who can just have sex and walk away, there are women who are exactly the same and you came across one them. Female player. She chatted you up, planted the idea of sex in your head, came prepared, had a good time and walked away. Truth be told, I doubt she was ever planning on more than that. I know I know, but she said..... Well duh, would you have shagged her if she had told you she only wants to use you for a one night stand? Probably not. Most men actually won't...contrary to other popular myths about genders. So she seduced you, had her way, had a good time and did what she was planning all along - one and done.

    On a more serious note, what seems to be going wrong for you is that you are over investing and jumping in way too fast, which is a good way to end up with crazies. You say you don't want to date. Thing is that you can't get to a relationship without dating. Dating is that time where you get to know the person - who they are, what they are really like, not instant spark stuff, but getting to know if there is more depth, a solid foundation. Dating is where you either start to connect more, grow together, develop a genuine friendship and that eventually turns into a relationship, or you discover that what seemed sparkly early on doesn't have enough substance and part ways.

    Trying to jump into an instant relationship based on early sparks will just get you burned time and again.

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  6. #25
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    Thanks guys.

    I'm still a bit confused. So from a woman's point of view spark is not the same as attraction? I would find it pretty hard to imagine a woman can have sex with someone she doesn't find attractive at all? We also had lots in common etc, so it wasn't entirely lust.

    Now if she did find me attractive, which I assume she must have done to go to the lengths and time chatting and came all across town to meet me.....and stayed the night, initiated sex in the morning, kept on messaging after our date and like I said we had lots in common beyond that and spoke about what her had in common.

    Now I don't expect there to be a mad spark and unbelievable attraction on the first date. I don't expect there to be an emotional connection straight away if that's what people mean? Surely that's what you go on a second date for? First date should be fun, can you have fun together? Second date more building an emotional connection?

    I mean I'm disappointed this girl is gone....but I'm more bothered about where it went wrong so not to repeat mistakes. Am I just misreading something?

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    How much did you tell her about yourself? You both spent a lot of time together even though it was one date. Were you compatible in terms of interests, where you're at in life, kids, commitments, prior obligations, how free or independent (not hung up about an ex) you both are? Are you similar intellectually or can you hold decent conversations? Usually a person can figure out all this information within the first date or two and make a decision on whether there's enough to go on.

    Earlier this year I went on a date with someone who was compatible with me on paper but outside of that it seemed like he had some issues with his self-esteem as he kept referencing material possessions - his boat, his Vespa, his house, his other house. I got a bit distracted and asked about his dogs then and he continued to talk about his bikes as he owns several bikes. I changed the conversation then to his vacation plans and we ended up having a decent conversation about travel and other experiences. Nowhere in there did I get the idea that this person was in the right headspace for a relationship and he said it himself at the end of the date which is completely fine. When he came back three weeks later after vacation, I wasn't interested in meeting with him again. It was a good time and we had a lot of fun but I already knew this person wasn't going to be the right person for me.

    I still think you can be thankful that she was honest with you and didn't see things moving forward. Sometimes we may not not always understand why but that's okay too. Don't take it so personally even if it appears on the surface that you have a lot in common, your perspectives or the way you regard some issues or topics may be dissimilar. I'm curious - did she leave you to talk a lot or did she contribute to any of the conversations?

  8. #27
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by teach
    Thanks guys.

    I'm still a bit confused. So from a woman's point of view spark is not the same as attraction? I would find it pretty hard to imagine a woman can have sex with someone she doesn't find attractive at all? We also had lots in common etc, so it wasn't entirely lust.

    Now if she did find me attractive, which I assume she must have done to go to the lengths and time chatting and came all across town to meet me.....and stayed the night, initiated sex in the morning, kept on messaging after our date and like I said we had lots in common beyond that and spoke about what her had in common.

    Now I don't expect there to be a mad spark and unbelievable attraction on the first date. I don't expect there to be an emotional connection straight away if that's what people mean? Surely that's what you go on a second date for? First date should be fun, can you have fun together? Second date more building an emotional connection?

    I mean I'm disappointed this girl is gone....but I'm more bothered about where it went wrong so not to repeat mistakes. Am I just misreading something?
    Lots to think about here.
    Life has taught me there are just some things I won't find the answer to. I catch myself at moments just like yours and learn to shrug it off. Beating myself up trying to find the answer when there isn't going to be is pointless.

    We often make the mistake that when we feel an intense attraction we assume we couldn't possibly have gotten there unless the other person was going there too. As if it takes the energy between the two to get to that point. Right? I think that thinking leads that down the wrong path. I've seen it over and over. One person can get there while the other party never left the gate.
    There is alot of unknowns. You don't know her, really. Maybe she is seeing someone else. Maybe she liked you but had more momentum with the next guy. Maybe she has a terminal illness. <sarcasm> You just don't know why something didn't take hold. But the message here- - it may have absolutely nothing to do with you.
    Is there a lesson here? There always is. Don't invested too quick, even if you think there is a spark. Don't take them to bed unless you are ok with knowing that it doesn't guarentee anything after. Doing this mean less collateral damage and a faster bounce back.

    It's hard to tell in type. . .but personally, I think you got invested too quick and it caused her to rethink it. Yes, even after she had sex.
    Woman can have sex and not feel emotionally invested. It doesn't mean she didn't like you or didn't feel that spark. But long talks, that momentary spark and a one night stand doesn't always transelate into a future.
    You can't change them but you can change the way you go about it. What would you do differently next time?
    I personally don't engage in endless hours of chatting. It leads me to imagine what they might be like in person and they never match my imagination when we do meet. Not a bad thing. It's just hard to readjust the attachment I made in the moment and it throws me off. Its possible the same for her. She probably wanted the same thing you did but couldnt bring the two together.

  9. #28
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    Thanks.
    It's a great question.
    I guess like for many guys, sex talk does lead to a spark. Maybe with women it doesn't. Which baffles me as to why amongst many other things she brought it up.
    Like some say, maybe she knew then she might get me/a guy hooked to get what she wanted.
    But she didn't only talk about sex, she talked about her kid, her job etc etc even after the date she told me her kid had scored a hat trick.
    Seemed quite a lot of effort from her just to get a shag.
    So maybe I shouldn't have sex with her....but I guess it was built up to that point. She came far across town too...and by the time we were wanting to go home, transport had finished and a taxi would have cost her a fortune.
    So I didn't know she had brought a change of clothes until the morning, which did get me thinking, but on the one hand that could show there was a spark, the attraction had been built up for her to think that was gonna happen. On the other hand, yeah she might have just been up for a one night stand!
    But her excuse of not going on a second date was there wasn't enough spark for her. Now that might be bull obviously, but it's usually true if women say that. As if you've attracted them enough they would at least want to pursue to a second date.

    And that's why I'm wondering if anyone thinks theres a difference between attraction and spark?
    Because next time if spark includes a more emotional connection rather than fun and attraction....I'll go a bit deeper with the conversations.

  10. #29
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    Thanks for you message.

    The whole of the first paragraph, yes. I couldn't myself think of any more compatible people. We are both single parents of boys hers aged 7 mine 8. She is a paediatric nurse and me a teacher. We both liked watching sport, both like being on the go and out and about...both similar attitudes to fun and risk. Both can't cook. In fact every interaction we had we found more and more in similar. While on our date live music came on, which I wasn't expecting and we were both singing to the same songs.

    So as far as I was concerned there was enough attraction. I wouldn't say initially I would have gone after her on looks alone, but she was fairly cute and her personality definitely made her attractive.

    And therefore, after she came back, stayed the night, initiated sex in the morning, cuddled and held my hand and kept on messaging for 2 days after the date, I am baffled.

    She said she was looking for a relationship and not one night stands.

    I can't imagine she wasn't attracted to me at all. There surely must have been enough there for her to come back etc. There surely must have been enough in common for a second date.

    The only things I can think of is, like people have said is that I didn't play it cool enough or she has bottled it.

    Otherwise if people think attraction is different to spark, maybe she didn't think we connected on an emotional level?? But surely that's what a second date is for? And in future if people think that you need to connect emotionally, I'll try for deeper conversations rather than just fun.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If you really do feel you were so compatible or complementary, this may have nothing to do with you and her issues surfacing. There's always a silver lining when someone shows you who they are or what they think, even if it's not in your favour. You can take that information and make more informed decisions later on. If she tries contacting you again, you may think twice because she's inconsistent.

    Go on more dates too (within reason). There's still no vaccine for Covid-19. Maybe in meeting other people also you'll find this isn't very uncommon - not to have the first or second dates work out. There are all kinds of people out there.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 09-16-2020 at 04:27 PM.

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