Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 14 of 14

Thread: My dad molested me as a kid, but my mom chose to stay with him.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    2,559
    Most people struggle with "there's nothing I can do." I have several friends and relatives who've made poor decisions which they have to pay the price. As much as I would like to "fix" their lives for them, it's true, it's beyond my control. It's THEIR LIFE and they have to live with their consequences.

    The hardest part is accepting that there's a lot in life which is beyond your control including other people's choices. You can wish them well, pray for them, make their lives easier by being a comfort to them, give them moral support, be an encouragement or help them and that's about it.

    Pre-COVID-19, whenever there was strife, hardship, struggle or if a person's life was turned upside down for any reason, I'd race to their doorstep with homemade dinner, sides and dessert. This was for the depressed, those who struggled financially, birth, death, emotional hardship, illness, etc. This was for friends, neighbors, relatives and in-laws. Everyone becomes hungry eventually. It's those types of "little" gestures which are tremendously appreciated because I tried to bring relief and comfort in my own way. If I was really pressed for time, I brought take out meals to them but generally everything was home cooked. That was just an example.

    Another example was helping with yard work. My friend's husband is dying and he can no longer push his lawnmower nor do outdoor chores so my husband does my friend and her husband's yard work both front and back yards several times per month.

    If I'm taking care of errands, I'll ask my friend if she needs groceries delivered since I'm on the road anyway. My friend is very busy chauffeuring her husband to his hospital appointments so I help her life in my own way. I leave grocery bags on her doorstep, text her while I'm in my car, she receives her groceries and I depart for home.

    The above examples are what I can control and my way of contributing to other people's lives whenever their lives are overwhelmingly miserable or taxed.

    There is "something to do" within reason. However, people have their limits, boundaries and reality.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    11,152
    Gender
    Female
    Focusing on others and trying to fix them is really a form of avoidance in terms of dealing with yourself and your own problem. Thing is that the only person you can ever really help and fix is yourself.

    You ask if you should be angry at your mother. Again, you are focusing on someone else. Whether you choose to be angry or not, it's about you and you have to figure out whether that benefits you in some way or not at all. Nobody can do that for you because it's personal to you. Your mother cannot ever go back and change what happened. She already explained to you why she made the choices she did. Right or wrong, good or bad - it's easy to judge in hindsight, but when you are neck deep in it, figuring out what's right is not so easy. In her mind, she made what best choices she could given her particular options.

    Regarding living with family, you keep pointing to culture. However, no culture is completely homogeneous. Meaning that even in countries where unmarried adult kids typically live with their parents, there are also plenty who do not. It sounds to me almost like you are using culture as an excuse not to leave a very toxic environment.

    Regarding your anxiety, don't just talk to a therapist, but please seek a full on proper psychiatric evaluation for yourself and your own well being. In fact go to at least three different psychiatrist and get evaluated. From everything you've written, it sounds like your family has issues with mental illness, which is genetic. Even as a very young child, you were anxious and sleeping with your mother in the same bed for so many years as a result and that's not normal. Mental illness does manifest itself more and more as you become older, especially so if you are not diagnosed and receiving proper treatment for it. Same goes for your brother's behavior, but again, that's not yours to solve. You need to solve yourself and focus on that.

  3. #13
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2020
    Posts
    8
    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    As someone who was sexually abused by a family member as a child I canít tell you enough how valuable therapy is.
    Thank you again! :)

    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Most people struggle with "there's nothing I can do." I have several friends and relatives who've made poor decisions which they have to pay the price. As much as I would like to "fix" their lives for them, it's true, it's beyond my control. It's THEIR LIFE and they have to live with their consequences.

    The hardest part is accepting that there's a lot in life which is beyond your control including other people's choices. You can wish them well, pray for them, make their lives easier by being a comfort to them, give them moral support, be an encouragement or help them and that's about it.

    Pre-COVID-19, whenever there was strife, hardship, struggle or if a person's life was turned upside down for any reason, I'd race to their doorstep with homemade dinner, sides and dessert. This was for the depressed, those who struggled financially, birth, death, emotional hardship, illness, etc. This was for friends, neighbors, relatives and in-laws. Everyone becomes hungry eventually. It's those types of "little" gestures which are tremendously appreciated because I tried to bring relief and comfort in my own way. If I was really pressed for time, I brought take out meals to them but generally everything was home cooked. That was just an example.

    Another example was helping with yard work. My friend's husband is dying and he can no longer push his lawnmower nor do outdoor chores so my husband does my friend and her husband's yard work both front and back yards several times per month.

    If I'm taking care of errands, I'll ask my friend if she needs groceries delivered since I'm on the road anyway. My friend is very busy chauffeuring her husband to his hospital appointments so I help her life in my own way. I leave grocery bags on her doorstep, text her while I'm in my car, she receives her groceries and I depart for home.

    The above examples are what I can control and my way of contributing to other people's lives whenever their lives are overwhelmingly miserable or taxed.

    There is "something to do" within reason. However, people have their limits, boundaries and reality.
    Thank you! I found this pretty helpful. Well said, and I'll keep in mind that it's true - I can't save someone. They have to help themselves and want for a change. I appreciate you :)

    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Regarding living with family, you keep pointing to culture. However, no culture is completely homogeneous. Meaning that even in countries where unmarried adult kids typically live with their parents, there are also plenty who do not. It sounds to me almost like you are using culture as an excuse not to leave a very toxic environment.
    I didn't mention anywhere in this thread about living with my parents. I pointed it out once in the other thread in case anyone wondered why I still do, since it's not common in the West. I've made it clear several times that I'm planning on moving. As I have said, I didn't realize how toxic my environment was until recently. I use my background to explain, rather than as an excuse. In this thread, I pointed out my cultural upbringing to explain why I never reported my stepdad back then. Thanks though!

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    2,559
    Originally Posted by chocolateyes


    Thank you! I found this pretty helpful. Well said, and I'll keep in mind that it's true - I can't save someone. They have to help themselves and want for a change. I appreciate you :)

    Thank you. It's true you can't fix other people's lives, save them or be a hero. Believe me, I've tried being a hero for my cousin, sister and neighbor to no avail. All attempts were efforts in futility. I'm realistic nowadays. It's THEIR LIFE, their poor choices and they're the ones who have to live with their mistakes.

    They can change. However, it's up to them, their will, their capability or lack thereof and their efforts alone. It's out of your realm.

    If they don't want to change, can't change or lost their will to change, again, it's THEIR LIFE and you have your own life to live. Remain realistic.

  5.  

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •