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Thread: Unsure if I Should Break Off My Engagement

  1. #1

    Unsure if I Should Break Off My Engagement

    So, Iím a 23 year old female. I was proposed to by my 30 year old bf of 3 years a couple of months ago. Prior to this, I was a little a nervous that he might be getting ready to propose. I wasnít sure if I was ready or if we were really right for one another. He is my first serious bfWhen he asked me I just had this rush of feeling ďright.Ē So, I said yes... I do love him and we have a good time together.

    We are really different in a lot of ways. If youíre familiar with MBTI an ISFP and he is an ENTJ. We can have a lot of fun together, but many times I come home and just feel worn out by his energy. Really determined and ambitious but can be overbearing and controlling. I notice myself kind of putting off the wedding in my mind. People are constantly asking me about if Iíve set a date, and I avoid the questions. Iím not excited to get married at all. I feel awful when I think I might be wasting his time, what if end up backing out? He is the age when most of his peers are getting married.

    We live together, and I am supporting him financially while he pursues something entrepreneurial. I just donít want to look back and think I missed out. Iím worried Iíll resent him for it... I just feel sick to my stomach about all this.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    This doesn't sound right at all. I'm sorry to hear this. Can you pinpoint what exactly appears overbearing or tough to handle about him? You seem pushed in a corner and silenced quite a bit in the relationship but I may be misunderstanding. What does he think of your ambitions, hobbies, lifestyle and the way you organize or do things around the house?

    Your ideas about risk-taking might be very different also. What do you think of his entrepreneurial ideas? I mean - critically, real feedback - not the stuff you say through rose-coloured lenses because you don't want to hurt your partner's feelings.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yikes don't get married to someone who refuses to work. He'll have legal access to all your assets, bank accounts etc. He doesn't love you. He is looking for a meal ticket. You need to throw him out.

    "Missing out" Is staying with a moocher like this rather than dating a man who is your equal, with regard to finances, education, ambition, work ethic, etc. The sooner he moves out the sooner you'll stop "missing out".

    Is this a forced or arranged marriage? Let him support himself or let him go back to his mother or let him find another sugar mama.
    Originally Posted by Wellwhat87
    We live together, and I am supporting him financially while he pursues something entrepreneurial. Iím worried Iíll resent him for it... I just feel sick to my stomach about all this.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    It sounds like you two are in incompatible life stages. If after 3 years you "feel sick" to your stomach about marrying him, imo you two are not right for each other. You were only 20 when you got with him. Most people in western cultures are not ready to settle down before the age of 25, nor are they mature enough to do so. It might have seemed ok to you to be with someone who can be "overbearing and controlling" at 20, when you didn't know any better, but as you are maturing you probably realize that these traits are emotionally draining. Most people keep evolving and changing mentally, at least until the age of 25. Imo, feeling "sick to your stomach" is a huge red flag that you have outgrown him and that you two are no longer right for each other.

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  6. #5
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    Having been the runaway bride including at your age here's my personal test that worked for me (because "you just know" was all well and good but I needed more).

    I had to be reasonably sure AND excited to be marrying the person. By reasonably I mean many people get jitters, have doubts - but for me if those jitters were fleeting and if the doubts were fleeting and/or could be resolved simply -without -this is important -rocking the core of the relationship, making me question the entire relationship - then all was well, I remained with the right person and wanted to be with this right person. And on my wedding day -this runaway bride of 42 years old -who'd been engaged a couple of times, who'd felt panicky and sick to my stomach with other men - I felt a feeling I'd never felt before -magical and natural simultaneously. I felt light and lighthearted despite being completely sober and knowing what a serious commitment this was. I joked with my sister in another room right before the ceremony. I knew it was right. We've had our ups and downs since then, over ten years ago - I've been really mad at him, really mad at myself, hurt, anxious, disappointed, bone tired. But what has remained constant - I am so happy we got married. I am so happy he's my person. I respect and admire him even when I'm so irritated/annoyed (you know, covid/24-7 doesn't help). I love him, and even when I'm not in the mood because I'm a parent, I work, I'm tired and unshaven and not feeling so into it/sexy, I know deep down that za za zoom is in hiding, temporarily and will return. That's a very stable/secure feeling. I know for sure there are other men out there who technically might be better for me -I mean, I only dated half the planet in my 24 years of dating - but I've always felt who cares - let's say there is - that's irrelevant, I found my one.


    I did NOT feel that way the majority of the time about anyone else I was with. I would feel that way some of the time, I'd have these over the moon aha moments -but nothing lasting, nothing that gave me the excitement and stability to say yes. And guess what -to me, anyway, you have to sort of say yes over and over again -not out loud, to yourself. During those hard times, sometimes you have to remind yourself to recommit, to say yes, even if you've done nothing inconsistent with commitment (neither of us ever has). You have to have that stability to take a deep breath and count your blessings, remind yourself of why he is your one. If you cannot find a way to garner those feelings, or if those feelings don't surface when you're not feeling "it" or not feeling committed - that's a problem.

    We all have our own ways of arriving at "the one" - some people settle and lie to themselves and actually don't get divorced - they accept the downsides. Others leave as soon as the over the moon feeling fades some. Others insist "you just know" and any doubts at all mean don't.

    You sit down with yourself. You figure out in the most brutally honest way what your standards are for being happy to get married - write it down if you have to. You don't need to justify them to anyone. But stick to it. And make sure you meet someone with similar standards (for example if both people want a marriage of convenience that's fine but not if one person does).

    This guy does not sound like your one. Just my personal opinion.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You aren't ready to marry him when you have so many doubts and concerns. Dont do it just to please anyone or shut up those who ask questions. If it doesn't feel right, dont do it.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Clio
    Most people in western cultures are not ready to settle down before the age of 25.
    When did it change, I thought it was 40.

    OP you are too young for marriage, go have some fun. In 10 years you can re-consider it.

  9. #8
    Silver Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wellwhat87
    I just donít want to look back and think I missed out. Iím worried Iíll resent him for it... I just feel sick to my stomach about all this.
    Have a long engagement then - that's your right. Take the time to do a lot of self-reflection because it seems that you are starting to see that you both might be incompatible. Try not to worry what others think. If people ask you about the wedding date, just say its a long engagement and with covid, you don't want to rush anything - people accept reasonable explanations.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by LootieTootie
    Have a long engagement then - that's your right. Take the time to do a lot of self-reflection because it seems that you are starting to see that you both might be incompatible. Try not to worry what others think. If people ask you about the wedding date, just say its a long engagement and with covid, you don't want to rush anything - people accept reasonable explanations.
    I personally would not do this. It's not fair to him and it's misrepresenting. To me an engagement is not official without a wedding date or at least a wedding month. Accepting a proposal is saying you intend to marry this person. She is too doubtful and queasy to state that intention and really mean it.

    She can tell him -yes I'll accept your ring but I'm not sure if I want to marry you and want to have a long engagement. If he's a healthy person he'll say no and either walk away or save the ring and his proposal for when it really means something.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dias
    When did it change, I thought it was 40.
    I was referring to the earliest for women given that the OP is a woman and not a man. 40 may be ok for men but, even nowadays, a woman who is 40 tends to run into trouble when seeking someone her age to start a family. In a fair world, it would be 40 for women as well but in this world 40 year old women who want children get all kinds of crap about being too old. Looking to settle at 24 is too early but just having fun until 34 for a woman is kind of cutting it close. Imo, she should start looking again in five years time, not 10, given that it may take a couple more years to make sure that she has the right person. Regardless, investing more time in her current relationship doesn't sound like a good idea to me. Imo, three years is enough time to determine long-term compatibility and what the OP is describing doesn't sound like leading to a promising future.

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