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Thread: Dating someone 4 months, fell in love, they didn't, she broke it off last week

  1. #1
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    Dating someone 4 months, fell in love, they didn't, she broke it off last week

    It's actually a little more in-depth than the topic title, but here are the breakup messages...

    "Hey.

    I have been thinking a lot about us lately, and where our relationship is headed. I'm feeling uncertain about our future, and I donít think that's a good sign. You're really special and you deserve to be with someone who is ready to give you that relationship youíre looking for.

    We are a great match in many ways- you're attractive, funny, and we have fun together. But for whatever reason, I'm not feeling strongly enough about this, and I know at this point in my life that it is important to me to have that strong connection with someone. You deserve real feeling and enthusiasm and for whatever reason I just can't deliver that to you right now. I have been waiting for stronger feelings to come because we seemed compatible, but they just havenít.

    I don't want to be in your way and hold you back from you the life you will be living soon with someone who is ready for that, and knowing that's not me I think it is best to free you up. I really really struggled with this decision because I like you and don't want to hurt you. I didn't make it lightly but I feel sure it's the right thing. Iím really sorry about it. You have been very sweet to me over the past few months. You can call me to talk if you want to. I am writing this to you because I am very selfish and donít want to see you hurt. If you do need more closure though, I can talk on the phone. I wish you all the best."

    I called her after I got this and we talked for a few minutes. She essentially said that she liked me, felt we had chemistry, and blah blah blah, but she was waiting for feelings to come and they never did. She also said she feels "heartless" or like she doesn't have emotions right now.

    Shortly after that we had a brief text exchange...

    Me: Hey I just wanted to say a few things that are on my mind because you said you feel heartless or like you don't have emotions right now. You told me that you're on anti-depressants. They can be great, but they also numb your emotions and make you think/feel differently than you otherwise would. Also, you said you stopped taking your birth control last week. I'm sure you already know this, but birth control messes with your hormones and starting/stopping can change the way you feel. On top of those factors, you just had a traumatic experience with that stalker guy and having this kidney infection. And lastly, I honestly don't think you gave "us" enough time. 3 months isn't even long enough to get over your ex of 2-3 years, let alone catch feelings for someone else. If you would have given us longer you might have caught feelings like I did. I'm not trying to change your mind and I respect your decision even though it crushes me, but I just wanted to make you aware of these things if you aren't already, because they may be influencing your feelings.

    Her: Yeah I shouldn't have started dating right away, I need time. I think I thought I was over my ex but honestly I don't think I was. I'm sorry James. I just need to be alone right now.

    Me: I understand Sarah. I wish things could have been different, but we had a lot of fun together and I don't regret the time we shared. Take care

    Her: We did. I don't either. You too

    This all happened last thursday and I'm really taking it horribly. It broke me emotionally and I feel like I'm breaking down physically now. I'm not sleeping enough, I'm eating but I'm force-feeding myself and feel sick, I'm having stalker-ish thoughts (like constantly checking her social media and wanting to drive by her place just to see if her car is there and if her lights are on/off), I don't feel motivated to do anything, and I'm having so much anxiety and depression I don't even feel like myself anymore. I just feel so lost. Like my future has crumbled and there's no reason to even go on anymore. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this, my friend. I wish I had something to say that would make the hurt go away, but the only thing that will do that is time, and giving yourself time to feel through these feelings. There is another side to this, one you'll get to sooner than you think. I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but try to have some faith.

    Though breaking up over text isn't super cool, I will say that, all in all, her words to you were both clear and respectful. It's clear she values you and your humanity, along with her own, even while coming to the conclusion that those pieces do not make a puzzle. That's no small thing, even if it feels minuscule, and painful, at the moment. This experience, and mourning it, will prepare you for new ones: with yourself, with others.

    What do you have in life, right now, for support? Friends? Family? A job or hobby you're passionate about? This is a moment to lean into that, to keep those "stalker-ish thoughts" at bay, things you observe as a symptom of pain without indulging. Guess I'm just encouraging you to not lose track of continuing to be exactly the person you want to be in the world, even as you process this loss.

    Hang in there.

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    I would have just accepted that she was not feeling it. The first 6-8 months, you decide if this person is someone you wish to date long term. She did not feel that way. It was wrong to throw her hormones, etc, into things and try to convince her she doesn't know her own mind. There have been guys that i liked, but didn't see myself with them long term - there wasn't enough there. If someone you dated 16 weeks leaves and you have an emotional breakdown, you are too invested. Please do not stalk her. I can understand if you felt the future was crumbling because someone broke off an engagement with you, but this is 16 weeks of dating. Please block her on social media so you are not tempted to look

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. At 16 weeks she's simply not feeling it and was forthcoming enough to tell you that so you can move forward.

    Yikes!! Don't tell her that medication side effects are the culprit of her "not feeling it", as you know that is just a spin on "It's me, not you".

    If anything, your extreme reaction to a 16 week dating experience may warrant you getting checked out if you are having all these thoughts and intense reactions.

    At some level your anti-medication stance may be what is at the root of this and your self-neglect and self-destructiveness. At some level you know you've had issues long before this 16 dating situation.
    Originally Posted by FeelSoAlone
    Me: Hey I just wanted to say a few things that are on my mind because you said you feel heartless or like you don't have emotions right now. You told me that you're on anti-depressants. They can be great, but they also numb your emotions and make you think/feel differently than you otherwise would. Also, you said you stopped taking your birth control last week. I'm sure you already know this, but birth control messes with your hormones and starting/stopping can change the way you feel.


    It broke me emotionally and I feel like I'm breaking down physically now. I'm not sleeping enough, I'm eating but I'm force-feeding myself and feel sick, I'm having stalker-ish thoughts I don't feel motivated to do anything, and I'm having so much anxiety and depression I don't even feel like myself anymore. I just feel so lost. Like my future has crumbled and there's no reason to even go on anymore.

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    On the contrary, i felt more confident and alive when i was on anxiety meds for a short time. It did not numb me, it just cleared the anxiety so i could feel other things

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    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    For what it is worth, I think its pretty understandable to feel this way considering you've gotten your heart broken.

    You don't see it now, but at least she was honest with you and let you down, somewhat easy. I do not support break up texts. After a few months, you deserved a conversation.

    Take care of yourself. Try to stop cyber stalking her. It just prolongs this pain. The sooner stop and the less you know about her, the more you focus on you and your life.

    Lean on your friends and family. Wallow a little bit. comfort food, binge watching tv, and naps. When you get sick of that, it's time to start exercising and focusing on new goals.

    You can and will get through this.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    For what it is worth, I think its pretty understandable to feel this way considering you've gotten your heart broken.

    You don't see it now, but at least she was honest with you and let you down, somewhat easy. I do not support break up texts. After a few months, you deserved a conversation.

    Take care of yourself. Try to stop cyber stalking her. It just prolongs this pain. The sooner stop and the less you know about her, the more you focus on you and your life.

    Lean on your friends and family. Wallow a little bit. comfort food, binge watching tv, and naps. When you get sick of that, it's time to start exercising and focusing on new goals.

    You can and will get through this.
    I agree. She did her best to be honest -not thrilled about her choice to write it instead of face you like a person, not thrilled about the self-serving "emotionless" stuff - that's about her self-ruminations and likely isn't true -she has emotions, just not for you -that hurts a lot I know and the sooner you accept and move on the better!

    And never try to convince someone to be with you!

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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I agree. She did her best to be honest -not thrilled about her choice to write it instead of face you like a person, not thrilled about the self-serving "emotionless" stuff - that's about her self-ruminations and likely isn't true -she has emotions, just not for you -that hurts a lot I know and the sooner you accept and move on the better!

    And never try to convince someone to be with you!
    Yeah... I just thought her lack of "feelings" for me might be because we started seeing each other immediately after her 2-3 year relationship ended and her ex was at the top of her mind. There were a couple instances that made me think this...

    She admitted to still talking to her ex "as friends". And one night she was wearing a shirt that her ex gave her. And it wasn't just a normal shirt. It was a navy shirt with his last name on the back (he's in the navy). She also gave me a shirt to wear one night that he had made for her. It had a graphic of a spider she kept as a pet or something and she told me it was an inside joke between them. I found both of these to be not great signs for her relationship with me.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    All of theses are red flags you chose to ignore.
    Originally Posted by FeelSoAlone
    She admitted to still talking to her ex "as friends". And one night she was wearing a shirt that her ex gave her. And it wasn't just a normal shirt. It was a navy shirt with his last name on the back (he's in the navy). She also gave me a shirt to wear one night that he had made for her. It had a graphic of a spider she kept as a pet or something and she told me it was an inside joke between them. I found both of these to be not great signs for her relationship with me.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    She's not ready to date and admitted that. Take it all with a pinch of salt. This could have gone on a lot longer in a one-sided manner and that's worse. The whole I'm not feeling strong enough about this is really a person telling you that they don't have enough space right now to give (there's not much else to give and she's maxed out and numb). Thank your lucky stars she's honest because there are a lot of people walking and talking out there who don't even verbalize this. Now you have an opportunity to free up your time and your world. Give yourself a few more weeks. You'll bounce back.

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