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Thread: How to deal with angry and hateful ex girlfriend

  1. #1

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    How to deal with angry and hateful ex girlfriend

    Thanks for taking the time to read this and maybe help out.

    First, I want to make clear that I am not trying to get back with her, but just want to close the relationship without further damage and specially to be able to recover all my stuff that I have at her house (which is basically all I own, including some expensive things).

    We just moved together to her house but she was in a bad mood since the beginning and insulted me constantly for any small reason, but the last straw was when she found that among the stuff i moved to her place, i had things that belonged to my time with my previous girlfriend (didnt realize it was forbidden as it was just kitchen stuff and sport things which for me have zero any emotional value).

    Anyway she is accusing me of making her suffer on purpose and many other things and she basically kicked me out. Luckily i still have my old apartment, though totally empty so I stayed here the last 2 days.
    All I want at this point is to get back my stuff, but the only time we talked together she basically said she doesn't want me to come when she is not in the flat and refused to tell me when I can come in for it or if I can get the things back at all. She even totally surprised saying that she wants to keep my furniture - furniture is not my first priority but also totally unfair. Very stupid situation indeed.

    Basically her reasoning seems to be that because she is hurt now, everything she does to me to hurt me is justified. That I hurted without meaning it and didnt really anything bad like cheating doesnt change anything on her view, or that I am also very hurt. I cannot even begin to relate with that as i feel i did all i could for her and even now i dont wish her anything bad.

    When we talk I try to be calm and not attack her back, but after many constants baseless insults I something cannot avoid saying things that hurt her more (like that i didnt enjoy the holidays together that she organized etc). She is also now convinced for some reason that I dont like her physically because she is much shorter than me (not true, i always found her very attractive and told her that, and sex was amazing) and that I am still in love with my previous girlfriend (also totally not true, she bases that only in all the photos that could still be found in facebook of me with her - now deleted)

    What should I do?

    Should I push to go to the apartment to just get the most important things or better let her cool off so we can maybe actually do it in a civilized way?
    Any ideas to try to make her take "revenge" out of the break-up? all my break ups were very civilized so i feel just confused.

    Maybe bringing a good friend along would help, though I am a bit reluctant to involve them, as they already helped me out with me previous girlfriend...

    Thanks for listening!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    In writing agree on a time and day to get your stuff. If you need a peace officer present call the local police department in advance.

    In the meantime change your address back to your own place and have any other mail forwarded there.
    Also change ALL your passwords and sever any joint accounts, bills, etc.

  3. #3

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    thanks. Luckily I never actually changed my official address as I still had my old apartment and we dont have much in the way of joint accounts besides me paying her phone bill. But very good point about passwords, just in case

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Maybe bringing a good friend along would help, though I am a bit reluctant to involve them, as they already helped me out with me previous girlfriend... Sounds like your woman-picker is broken as you're saying this is a repeating pattern with girlfriends. Time to be alone for a while to figure out if your behavior needs improving and/or if you're missing red flags about the women you choose.

    I don't know if law enforcement can help in this matter, but you can always ask. In the meantime, get some text exchanges as proof if needed between you two for the particular items you're claiming are yours. It could come in handy if you need to take her to small claims court. If she destroys any of your items or throws them away, she will owe you monetarily for that.

    Yes, try to amicably settle, and if she continues to be unreasonable, with proof under your belt, you can let her know you don't want to resort to getting things back in small claims court, but if need be, you will. And then give her a date you want to collect your things, including the furniture, so that court won't be necessary.

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  6. #5
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    There was no indication of her personality issues before moving in together? How long did you date before moving in?

    I feel that we are missing a big chunk of your relationship.

    You may have to get the police involved.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    If your name is on the lease you can contact the landlord and have him or her let you into the unit to claim your stuff. BUT your ex will need 24 to 48 hours notice. If you just lived there and not on the lease, then you can treat this as you being a tenant. Tenants have rights, so you can take her to small claims court to claim your stuff...you will tho have to provide a list of every item that is yours.

    You can google up your local laws in how to legally claim your possessions.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Stop trying to appease her or keep talking to her - it won't work and just enables her crazy further.

    Tell her in writing that you need to pick up ALL your stuff from her place at x date and time. If that's not convenient for her, she needs to provide you with a date and time within the next few days. Be sure to go to your local police station or sheriff's office and get an officer with you to protect yourself - do not skip out on this and cops do this quite frequently. All you need to tell them is that you are wanting to avoid an altercation and want an officer present to preserve the peace while you get your belongings. Also, tell her flat out that if she doesn't return, continues to delay or frustrate your ability to retrieve your belongings or damages anything in any way, you will not hesitate to press criminal charges and take her to court for damages. Refusing to return your items is called conversion - aka an actual crime. Any financial loss you can sue for in civil court. Doesn't matter if you would never actually bother - she needs to believe that you are serious about that.

    Be blunt and put her in her place. With people like that, being soft and gentle will get you nowhere. She needs a reality wake up call.

    Agree with the other poster - you need to fix your picker before you date again, let alone decide to move in with a woman. Sounds like you are picking up some real winners.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Just wondering about the time line and how much time has passed since you went back to your apartment. Depending how fresh this all is and assuming it's just a matter of days, I'd just lay low for a week and not contact her at all. Trying to negotiate this when tensions are high isn't a good idea.
    She's just being irrational and acting out. Give it a moment to cool off and readdress it with a cool head.
    It sounds as if when you discuss your belonings you both fall into a rabbit hole of who did what to who.
    Give it a small cooling off period and return to deal with it in a business like matter. Refuse to rehash the drama, remain calm and determined and don't let her draw you back into rehasing the drama. Let her know you mean business.
    At least try this before you have to escalate to involving others.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think a person like this cools off. That kind of hostility is simmering under the surface constantly. Both of you appear to be incompatible regarding your relationships or past relationships. Did you start this relationship with her close to the break up of your previous one? Any time objects in the rearview mirror are looking a little too close, all it really means is you have to drive on a little farther before putting down roots again. Maybe don't date for awhile now, give yourself time to clean up items that you've outgrown from previous relationships, replace old or broken things. What appears as a setback may really be your reset button and it may have taken a very bad relationship to make you realize that you're not fully giving yourself a chance to move forwards if you still have memorabilia of your past hanging around.

    Your best approach might be to weigh carefully whether you really need those things, as expensive as they are. Anything electronics or furniture related can be replaced. I notice you both have been arguing a lot over things, a lot of material things, past relationship things. Let go of what you don't need. Hit the reset and start driving.

  11. #10

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    Thanks everybody for all the replies. It does help a lot to hear different perspectives. Apologies if I dont answer all your points but do I read all!

    Yes, I probably jumped too fast into this relationship after the break up, and it was like that the time before as well. I agree I should take time to let feelings settle and focus on myself before starting something new.

    And yes, her problem with the insults, hostility and lack of respect is not new, it just got worse. Also affects other people, but she mostly masks it outside and then rants at home about how X is scum. Of course she has also a lot of good qualities, otherwise I wouldnt have agreed to move with her... but at the end if there is no basic respect there is nothing right?

    Regarding my friends helping me out... with my previous relationship it was an amicable break-up but they helped me with a temporary place to stay + emotional support. I don't take that for granted and I rather ask for help only if really needed...

    I think you are right about "That kind of hostility is simmering under the surface constantly", even when things went well and she was nice and affectionate I didn't feel anymore I can really relax around her anymore.

    Thanks also about the legal advice!

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