Trust issues/insecurity

Hi everyone, to cut a long story short in a past relationship he would like and continuously talk to other girls, flirt, you name it. In the end I became a shell of myself, lost all confidence etc. it took me 3 years to allow myself to be vulnerable again. I’ve been with my current partner for almost 2 years and things seemed great. He finally started to understand my anxiety and not take things personally. But my mental health has been low lately, maybe the pandemic didn’t help, and I’ve been convincing myself he doesn’t find me attractive and he’s going to cheat on me. It’s a massive fear of mine. Anyway, I couldn’t help myself and did some digging on Instagram to find that he has been liking girl friends sexy photos, a few girls, not one in particular and it’s only their photos of them in next to nothing. It hurts me more because he knows them, it’s not a random chick on the internet. I even found one from 2 weeks ago that he commented on with a drooling emoji. I confronted him about it and he just can’t see my point of view and how I feel disrespected and unattractive and even embarrassed by it. He’s got me plastered all over his instagram too?

He hasn’t spoken to me for days now. He said it’s a like it means nothing I should trust him and if there’s no trust then he doesn’t want to be with me.

Help?

There are lots of cracks in your relationship from the start. I'd maybe wonder if your anxiety isn't worsened so much more because of this relationship. Do you mind describing your anxiety levels 4 or 5 or 8 years ago, prior to meeting your boyfriend or starting a relationship with him?

Hi Rose, I have suffered anxiety for most of my teenage/adult life, for a long time I was about to pull myself out of it and be fine but it was worsened with my previous relationship. I’ve been on and off medication, I (absolutely stupidly) keep taking myself off the medication because I think I don’t need it. My anxiety lately had started due to work. I’m feeling as if I’m not performing as well which makes me think I’m making mistakes and that my boss doesn’t like me and then I sort of spiral from there. I get into these stages where I feel like I purposely find things to upset me. I definitely came into the relationship with a lot of baggage that as time has gone on has come out

I must also add that I have decided to get help, I kept putting off a therapist because I’d been so scared of the idea but I need to do this I can’t keep going in my cycles like I am

I’ve been on and off medication, I (absolutely stupidly) keep taking myself off the medication because I think I don’t need it

I must also add that I have decided to get help, I kept putting off a therapist because I’d been so scared of the idea but I need to do this I can’t keep going in my cycles like I am

If you keep taking yourself off the medication then it's hardly surprising that you keep spiralling into these depths. Very good idea that you are going to get help from a therapist - tell them about you stopping medication etc.

I agree with you. It’s totally irresponsible, and I am determined to get help because I can’t keep doing this.

I agree with you. It’s totally irresponsible, and I am determined to get help because I can’t keep doing this.

Good to hear this. It can only be of benefit to you.

Kelly, I don't blame you. You were treated badly from your past, it damaged you. People don't give enough credit to how incredibly damaging it is for the partner you're with to constantly be paying attention to other females. You're right, it does start to destroy. Your self esteem, your self worth, your self value, your trust in men, and so much more.

Do I think it's okay that your boyfriend behaves this way? No. It's not okay. You're his girlfriend, he should be keeping his eyes on just you. I know that there are always going to be attractive people around, but there is a huge difference between seeing a human being walk by and actually taking notice, so much so that he makes comments and "drools".

Your boyfriend doesn't need to walk around with a blindfold on, but if he had any decency and respect for you, his girlfriend, he wouldn't be paying this kind of attention to other woman and than somehow trying to justify it and blame you.

It really bothers me how men behave badly, and then justify it, further more, blame the woman, shame her, dismiss her feelings, and the gaslight.

The truth is, some men just plain suck. They have no idea how to love someone properly, how to be loyal, how to be faithful and how to be a gentleman.

And no, it's not okay to be checking out other women and letting them know you like what you see.

If he wants to behave that way, he should remain single.

You've already admitted to having anxiety and you do possibly need more help with different issues that arose from the last jerk you had to contend with.

But please...don't blame yourself when truthfully, it has more to do with you running into two different men who are behaving like little boys that have no self control and no respect.

Those type of men do damage and they DO cause heartache.

I don't blame you, I blame the men. They know better, they just refuse to BE better.

Keep your head held high, you deserve better, you've always deserved better. Don't let a man like this make you think any less.

Sorry to hear that. Ok, start with this. Go to your doctor for a complete check-up and a referral for ongoing therapy.

As far as this guy, end it. Not because he does stupid stuff on social media but because he doesn't seem to care about you.

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Also immediately remove yourself from his collection on social media

You can't change or fix him but you can take appropriate action to help yourself and cut creepy people out of your life.

I’ve been on and off medication, I (absolutely stupidly) keep taking myself off the medication because I think I don’t need it

Hi Rose, I have suffered anxiety for most of my teenage/adult life, for a long time I was about to pull myself out of it and be fine but it was worsened with my previous relationship. I’ve been on and off medication, I (absolutely stupidly) keep taking myself off the medication because I think I don’t need it. My anxiety lately had started due to work. I’m feeling as if I’m not performing as well which makes me think I’m making mistakes and that my boss doesn’t like me and then I sort of spiral from there. I get into these stages where I feel like I purposely find things to upset me. I definitely came into the relationship with a lot of baggage that as time has gone on has come out

I must also add that I have decided to get help, I kept putting off a therapist because I’d been so scared of the idea but I need to do this I can’t keep going in my cycles like I am

Are you also in uni by any chance or just working? There are usually lots of resources on campus too. Try looking into local resources or checking with your benefits provider at work whether you're subsidized for some therapy.

The frustrating part about feeling scared or jittery or unsure about yourself is that it's hard to tell where the lines are between bad behaviour from others and where those other fears come from. I think your relationship is hurting you but you can't tell the difference between good or bad behaviour or treatment from a partner if you have low self-esteem and feel afraid or upset a lot of the time.

Is this a new job? It takes a year or two for most employees to adjust completely to industry cycles and new systems. Do you feel that your employer provides a supportive learning environment or there's adequate training? I ask because it may be worth considering requesting for more training if you don't feel you've been trained well enough.

I agree with you. It’s totally irresponsible, and I am determined to get help because I can’t keep doing this.

Good idea. If you want to get past this, get some help.

Your bf's behavior is not okay. This is not someone that you can go forward with, He is disrespecting you on multiple levels.

Focus on therapy and meds, and no dating until you get a handle on this. You should also not be dumping your insecurities on your partners, as they are not your therapist. You also need to address the types of men you are choosing.

Dump him.