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Thread: Should I keep trying?

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Sep 2020

    Should I keep trying?

    I dated a girl for a few years in middle/highschool. We were obsessed with each other and said we were in love

    When we finally did break up it was mostly because we were almost never able to see each other anymore (going to different schools, etc.). But we still said we loved each other and hoped we would get back together later. I lost my phone with her number and couldn't find her again.

    Almost 20 years later now. I'm getting a long overdue divorce. I always think about her around this time of year, for sentimental reasons, and was looking at her Facebook (like I do a few times a year) and decided to send her a friend request and she accepted.

    She's married and has kids, I'm getting divorced and have a kid. I sent her a message and we started talking. We were messaging each other for about a month and really getting on and talking about "us" allot. I eventually told her I still have feelings for her. She wanted to talk on the phone so we did, it was a great talk and we were both nervous. She mentioned how she did have a hard time at one point with her husband and almost left but they worked it out, she also said she still has leftover feelings for me too, but not anything she do something about right now. I was too blown away to ask what that really means because I'm not sure.

    Almost done, promise.

    So we messaged each other for a few more days, then I sent her a long winded message. I started by asking her not to respond, I told her how I love her and have for so long, I told her what I want and how I'm reading into her responses hoping it will happen, I told her how I wish her and her family happiness but at the same time I want her...and allot of other things. I followed that up with a short message about how if she were here right now I'd do this thing we did as teens that was our secret way of saying I love you.

    I know I asked her not to respond and she didn't, she did send a "reaction" to those two messages, the heart one. I'm still going nuts about her and now I burned my bridge and I'm not sure how she feels.

    I don't want to mess with her happiness if she is, but I can't risk missing a chance if I have one. Also I don't want to risk screwing up any chance I might have in the future.

    Am I being a creepy stalker d!@k if I send her another message? Her birthday is coming up and I was going to record me singing a song and send it to her. Is this too much? Should I just keep trying to back off and move on?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    No, you should not keep trying. She is married with children. What part of that isn't registering in your brain? Meddling in her marriage like that makes you a major d!@k, a very selfish and disrespectful one. Her children deserve a stable home, not a broken one. She is married and told you that she worked it out with her husband and doesn't want to leave her family. Plus, the mental well-being of her children is at stakes here. If you have any integrity, you should respect that just as you would want others to respect your own marriage should you ever get married again. Stop messing with her head already. All marriages go through hard times, hence what she told you. If third parties were respectful and did not stick their nose during these difficult times, there would be far less emotionally scarred children in this world. You are trying to escape from your own loneliness by rebounding with a married woman who has children that need BOTH their parents. It doesn't get much lower than that. What you feel is not love, it's pure selfishness. Back off. There are plenty of women out there who are single. Find one. You don't need to hurt the family of innocent children as a distraction to soothe your pain and run from your real problems. A therapist would be a much more ethical solution.
    Last edited by Clio; 09-15-2020 at 03:25 AM.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    You're being terrible and incredibly selfish.

    Your marriage ended, that doesn't give you a right to go and ruin hers! Her husband and children still matters, his feelings and his love for her and his life with her...still matters!!

    Imagine you did marry her at one time, and some jerk from her past came along and did exactly what you're doing, how happy about it would you be?

    You don't go and destroy someone else's life because yours didn't work out.

    You've latched onto her and created a fantasy due to being lonely and failing at your own marriage. That does not give you any right to infringe on hers or on her life.

    You need to stay away from her. If you have any amount of decency and respect AT ALL, you will leave her alone and let her and her husband continue to do their best at making their marriage work.

    No need for any explanations, no need for any sob stories, just stop messaging her. Go and get the therapy and counselling you need and when you're in a better place, realize that some things you HAVE to let go. Because it's not always about you and your wants and needs. Other people matter too.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Do you mind explaining a bit what you're trying for? What are you looking to achieve from this?

    They say divorce is the second worst traumatic event that happens in a person's life apart from death of a spouse. I disagree... but the idea is there. It's not easy. What have you done since your divorce or during any trial/separation period to help yourself rebuild your identity or get back in touch with things you care about aside from this person from your youth? I ask as there's a risk of placing too much importance on someone from the past if the future seems too daunting. I did the same thing as you actually about mid-way through my separation and reconnected with an old friend (single/bachelor). The flame fizzled out and although we remain friends there's not quite much there to go on or we returned to our regular state of camaraderie. I think I was really looking for someone at the time with some depth and tenacity and this absolutely was not it. I felt quite silly, very dumb for daydreaming but thankful also for the mistakes and laughs. He's a great person who will make someone very happy one day but after the sparks and heat of everything died down I had totally no interest at all and wish the best for him. He never made me feel bad about the situation either just as your friend here is being very gentle with you.

    Don't be afraid to look head on at the past and the future when the time comes. I think you already know deep down this is a dead end. Keep working away and coax yourself out of that shell or that dark place, find other answers to your new reality. This is all part of the healing process.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    It's great to rebuild your social connections after divorce. However not great that you are pestering a married old flame for romance because you have not dealt with your divorce.

    Instead, join some groups and clubs, look for and reach out to old friends. However don't look for a band aid for your divorce.

    That is better unpacked and sorted out with a therapist . Try other ways to rebuild after divorce. If you are ready to date, get a good profile and pics on some quality/paid dating apps and start talking to and meeting SINGLE women.

    Unfortunately the fact that you are reaching out to a remote old flame who's married indicates you're not ready to date .

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Nope don't keep trying.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    How can you possibly have "feelings" for someone you didn't even speak to for 20 years?

    You do NOT have "feelings" for her. You are lonely and looking for someone to relieve your loneliness. Are you really ready to bust up someone's family just because you don't want to be alone?

  9. #8
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2020
    The Ashes of The Past
    I knew a guy who had been married for years and the marriage feel apart. They were just starting the process of divorce. A family member arranged for him to meet an old flame. They instantly got together and he used that as a means to cover up the pain and loneliness that he was feeling. The divorce got ugly and he justified that since he had someone new, the problems in the marriage was all her fault. In reality, he didn't want to face being alone and coming to terms with his own mistakes. Don't make a similar mistake.

    If she is married, then she is off limits. If she was single, then yes you could pursue an old flame and try to rekindle what was there. But you are risking ruining a marriage. After going through a divorce yourself, which I'm sure was not an easy thing, do you really want to risk making her go through the same? If you do love her, why would you want to endanger the happiness that she has found? If you two are supposed to be together in the end, love will find a way to make it happen. But for now it's not your place to interfere. You told her not to right back, and she respected your wishes. To continue would be putting her on an unfair emotional roller-coaster. And it's really not fair to her family who don't deserve to have someone interfering in their life.

    You will find someone else in time. For know, just get comfortable with your own life. You do not need to be with someone to be happy. Enjoy the freedom of being single again. Do the hobbies you couldn't do before because your time was taken up with the family. And make sure your child is taken care of. I don't know the age, but divorce is hard on a child at any age. Make sure he is okay. A parent's first responsibility should always be their child.

  10. #9
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Originally Posted by Talltom89
    Am I being a creepy stalker d!@k if I send her another message? Her birthday is coming up and I was going to record me singing a song and send it to her. Is this too much? Should I just keep trying to back off and move on?
    Brutally honest answer to the part in bold? YES. As to singing her a song ..... omg ........just ... NO!!

    In general? Do NOT keep trying. Back off and stay off, like forever! You have absolutely NO business with her, at all. Meddling in her marriage is incredibly selfish. Not only that, but totally disrespectful too. She's married. Taken. You need to understand that. You can't just simply pitch up and think you can carry on where you left off. You don't love her. You love the fantasy of the past. Get real. Morals, values, and a little self-respect and respect for other peoples' relationships etc etc.

    Sort out your divorce then take the time to heal before launching into another relationship ..... preferably with someone single. Therapy is a good idea.

  11. 09-17-2020, 06:20 PM

  12. 09-17-2020, 06:47 PM

  13. #10
    Administrator kamurj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    The thread has run its course, closed.


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