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Boyfriend has Lolita the film, I was abused as a child (TW)


UnsureEmot

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I was sexually abused as a child and I am still obviously processing that. My boyfriend of two years knows this, I have always been open with it.

 

The other day, in passing, I saw he had the Lolita (1962) film by Spielberg on his computer. I sort of was a bit shocked, I knew that he has read it and thought it was a very good/impressive piece of literature. I just thought it odd he had the film as he was so repulsed by the book and said he wanted to read it only because it was regarded so well as a piece of literature. I asked him why he had the film, therefore, and he was quite coarse, saying I shouldn't insinuate anything like him wanting the film for I what I suppose was schadenfreude.

 

I cried, I apologised and he apologised for being rude, and we were okay. Obviously I have a lot to work through. But I sort of wanted to ask others if this was normal? I think I've lost a bit of perspective on what is in regards to sexual abuse. Like is this all okay?

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Just to remark, not Spielberg.

 

Lolita is a 1962 comedy-drama film directed by Stanley Kubrick

1955 novel of the same title by Vladimir Nabokov

 

"Humbert Humbert (James Mason) is a European professor who relocates to an American suburb, renting a room from lonely widow Charlotte Haze (Shelley Winters). Humbert marries Charlotte, but only to nurture his obsession with her comely teenage daughter, Lolita (Sue Lyon)"

 

You ask:

 

"I sort of wanted to ask others if this was normal?"

 

If what is/was normal?

 

People read all kinds of literature and watch all kinds of films.

 

Are you saying that he had some underlying agenda for watching this movie, given that he knows about your past?

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Just to remark, not Spielberg.

 

Lolita is a 1962 comedy-drama film directed by Stanley Kubrick

1955 novel of the same title by Vladimir Nabokov

 

"Humbert Humbert (James Mason) is a European professor who relocates to an American suburb, renting a room from lonely widow Charlotte Haze (Shelley Winters). Humbert marries Charlotte, but only to nurture his obsession with her comely teenage daughter, Lolita (Sue Lyon)"

 

You ask:

 

"I sort of wanted to ask others if this was normal?"

 

If what is/was normal?

 

People read all kinds of literature and watch all kinds of films.

 

Are you saying that he had some underlying agenda for watching this movie, given that he knows about your past?

 

 

Oh whoops, sorry.

 

I think I was just taken aback as he is very averse to sad/abusive things. Like he hates anything like a murder mystery, etc. So it shocked me a little, as he always put it as he read this book as it was something he wanted to do literature-wise. I think it was more that he had the film that shocked me as he has gone as far as to say he hated that I used to watch horror films, it was unpleasant and made him think twice about me. So I wouldn't want to go as far as saying he has an underlying agenda but I just was nervous about it and his reaction upset me.

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". The critical consensus reads: "Kubrick's Lolita adapts its seemingly unadaptable source material with a sly comedic touch and a sterling performance by James Mason that transforms the controversial novel into something refreshingly new without sacrificing its essential edge."[57] Filmmaker David Lynch has said that Lolita is his favourite Kubrick film.[58]

 

The film was a commercial success. Produced on budget of $2 million, Lolita grossed $9,250,000 domestically.[2] During its initial run, the movie earned an estimated $4.5 million in North American rentals"

 

Yes, I have seen the movie, a few times.

 

he hates anything like a murder mystery, etc.

 

Murder mysteries can be most entertaining. What has he against them? What kind of movies does he like? Maybe "The Sound of Music"?

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".

 

Murder mysteries can be most entertaining. What has he against them? What kind of movies does he like? Maybe "The Sound of Music"?

 

Well, there is the disparity there which took me aback. He watches almost exclusively romcoms, and I'm sure you can forgive me for removing Lolita from that category despite its comedic touches.

 

But I am glad to know it is in the realm of normal. I am more sensitive as he had made awful jokes in the past and obviously my history.

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Hopefully you are still sorting through all this in therapy. Most people have heard of or seen/read the movie/book. It's not kiddie porn. It was just controversial at the time.

 

Try to focus on how he treats you his overall character etc, not his taste in movies/books. Keep in mind a heightened sensitivity to this type of thing is all part of your recovery.

I think I was just taken aback as he is very averse to sad/abusive things. Like he hates anything like a murder mystery, etc. So it shocked me a little, as he always put it as he read this book as it was something he wanted to do literature-wise.

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I think, OP, that you have to be careful that you don't get into trying to control what your SO can do, watch, read as a way to deal with your past trauma.

 

He didn't download child porn from the dark web that you caught him out at, he downloaded a popular old movie and yes, he is absolutely well within his rights to watch that. If you are curious why he is interested, you need to learn to control your emotions and actually ask with an open mind and a willingness to listen, rather than in an attack that will leave you both fighting, in tears, and so on.

 

He doesn't need to justify to you why he wants to watch something, nor should you ever put him in that position where he feels defensive about it. This movie, other public movies aren't about you and your trauma and he wasn't asking you to watch it with him either. That said, he sounds overly judgmental and defensive in a "methinks thou doth protest too much" if he won't watch murder mysteries or judge you so harshly for enjoying the horror flicks. Are you perhaps harboring some resentment toward him over that?

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I think, OP, that you have to be careful that you don't get into trying to control what your SO can do, watch, read as a way to deal with your past trauma.

 

He didn't download child porn from the dark web that you caught him out at, he downloaded a popular old movie and yes, he is absolutely well within his rights to watch that. If you are curious why he is interested, you need to learn to control your emotions and actually ask with an open mind and a willingness to listen, rather than in an attack that will leave you both fighting, in tears, and so on.

 

He doesn't need to justify to you why he wants to watch something, nor should you ever put him in that position where he feels defensive about it. This movie, other public movies aren't about you and your trauma and he wasn't asking you to watch it with him either. That said, he sounds overly judgmental and defensive in a "methinks thou doth protest too much" if he won't watch murder mysteries or judge you so harshly for enjoying the horror flicks. Are you perhaps harboring some resentment toward him over that?

 

 

No yes I completely understand that, I think I was quite upset as he places so much stall in what media a person consumes as a basis of their character, hence it being a deal breaker if I watched more horror films. I wouldn't try control what he watches.

 

I am sorry I didn't understand more about the film, I was reluctant to. I am thankful LaHermes explained it to me, which I'm sure this forum is for.

 

He still has the film, I apologised to him for even getting upset about it, I think I just wanted reassurance from elsewhere.

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I'm not sure what you mean here. Would you mind explaining a bit what kinds of awful jokes he's made about your history?

 

When we were moving in together he made the joke he was glad it was near to a girls' grammar school, he's said to me in the past I should get over it as it wasn't 'like bum-rape' (he was very drunk when he said that), that all men prefer younger women. I think that makes me defensive of it all, as I don't really know where the line is.

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No yes I completely understand that, I think I was quite upset as he places so much stall in what media a person consumes as a basis of their character, hence it being a deal breaker if I watched more horror films..

 

When we were moving in together he made the joke he was glad it was near to a girls' grammar school, he's said to me in the past I should get over it as it wasn't 'like bum-rape' (he was very drunk when he said that), that all men prefer younger women. I think that makes me defensive of it all, as I don't really know where the line is.

 

See I think all of the above and especially what's in bold is way more concerning and is actually abnormal. You are focusing on the movie, but you are effectively ignoring some glaring red flags about him and his character.

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When we were moving in together he made the joke he was glad it was near to a girls' grammar school, he's said to me in the past I should get over it as it wasn't 'like bum-rape' (he was very drunk when he said that), that all men prefer younger women. I think that makes me defensive of it all, as I don't really know where the line is.

 

Oh my gosh, OP. Those comments are not okay.

 

It's no wonder you're not happy and questioning his character.

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When we were moving in together he made the joke he was glad it was near to a girls' grammar school, he's said to me in the past I should get over it as it wasn't 'like bum-rape' (he was very drunk when he said that), that all men prefer younger women. I think that makes me defensive of it all, as I don't really know where the line is.

 

These are insensitive comments. Does he get drunk often or drink a lot?

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"Lolita" was a controversial movie, for sure, and it touched on a nerve for you given your past.

 

Does he have a large collection of movies on his computer? Or was this a particular one that he's kept?

 

 

They are all sort of romcoms and Bond films of the list I saw. But I'm not really allowed to look at his computer which is fine because obviously it is his, so I don't really know.

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He watches romcoms!!!

 

That aside, I really do not think this is the man for you.

 

Is he 15 or 16 years of age? Stupid remarks to try to make himself sound "interesting".

 

Come to think of it I saw that movie in the late 70s, with my father, at a cinema. I would have been around 12.

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He does, sometimes we drink together or he drinks with his friends/alone. This happened when we were drinking together which perhaps tempers it. The joke about the grammar school/his views on younger women were sober

 

He's baiting you. I hope you make up your mind eventually whether this is the right man for you. I'm sorry to hear all this and hope you find healing.

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You are focusing on the movie, but you are effectively ignoring some glaring red flags about him and his character.

 

Just going to highlight these words, along with LH, as I think they get to the core issue here.

 

Seems he is in the habit of exploiting your most vulnerable corners, while I'd argue that a partner's role, so to speak, is to simply love those corners, to honor them through acceptance, to give you space to be vulnerable as you offer them the same in return. That habit of his, far more than his cinematic tastes, seems to be the rub here, understandably.

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I think to be honest I see something wrong with the fact that your boyfriend said that the fact that you watch horror movies is bad and "says something about you". Horror movies is just a film genre like all the other genres and it doesn't actually say anything about the person in the sense that it doesn't make them a bad person. I'm a huge horror fan and so are a number of my friends. I just like horror because I love movies with good twists and also love the adrenalin of being scared. In real life I have absolutely no interest in gore and abuse and I would NEVER hurt anyone. I fact I'm a welfare worker and I get police checked every few months and other types of background check.

 

It seems to me like maybe you're both making assumptions about your partner based on what they've read or watched. Yes it's true, Lolita is a confronting novel and book (I've only read a bit of it myself). But it is a very well known piece of classical literature and may even been studied in certain courses. There are a lot of books and movies which are about very difficult topics, such as rspe, suicide, murder, abuse. I mean really these kinds of things are very common in literature and the media. I understand this is a very sensitive subject for you but I think you need to keep working through it in therapy and be able to sit with the fact that something about abuse may come up at times in your life.

 

If your boyfriend owned this book and movie even before he met you, then he obviously didn't even have any reason why he can't watch this movie or read the book. There are plenty of classic novels and films which are disturbing and confronting. E.g. A Clockwork Orange. Consuming these doesn't mean the person themselves is a paedophile or murderer.

 

My ex-boyfriend killed himself when we were teenagers and this is a very difficult theme for me. I am fairly open about it as well. If my partner had a book or movie about suicide, I might ask that we don't watch it, but I wouldn't think anything bad about them. Of course our partner does need to be respectful and sensitive and they should ask us how we feel if we were to watch it together, for example.

 

I think when there may be some cause to worry if the person ONLY watches or reads a certain disturbing type of content. E.g. only books or movies about incest or murder. Then maybe you'd have grounds to worry that they seem preoccupied with those subjects.

 

For example, I love horror but I also like and watch many other genres of movies.

 

I did read all the comments though and I must say I see something wrong with this picture. The comments your boyfriend made about girls' school and that all men like younger women. What exactly does that mean? That all men like school girls? Also his comment is weird because not all men like younger women. My ex-fiance is nearly six years younger than I and another guy I dated was nine years younger than I. Definitely not all men like younger women, only some do. So who is he talking about, himself?

 

Also if he judges people on what kinds of movies and books they like, to me that would be a huge turn off. Books and movies are entertainment or even used for study. It's none of his concern what books and movies people like. Also it doesn't even make sense to think that what books and movies people like says something about their personality. I mean, maybe a little but generally it doesn't actually mean anything. My Mum loves watching true crime and murder documentaries. Does that mean she wants to murder people? (She doesn't). If my partner said to me: "Because you watch horror movies, I'm not sure about you." I would be like, OK bye.

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The best novels and movies are controversial.

 

He thinks he is SO interesting and shadowy by saying this stuff. I ask again, what age is he?

 

And this:

 

"The joke about the grammar school/his views on younger women were sober"

 

Before you know it he'll have you parading in a gymslip.

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When we were moving in together he made the joke he was glad it was near to a girls' grammar school, he's said to me in the past I should get over it as it wasn't 'like bum-rape' (he was very drunk when he said that), that all men prefer younger women. I think that makes me defensive of it all, as I don't really know where the line is.

 

As someone who was sexually abused as a kid as well I would have left after I kicked him in the nuts those comments are not ok.

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