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Thread: Boyfriend has Lolita the film, I was abused as a child (TW)

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    Boyfriend has Lolita the film, I was abused as a child (TW)

    I was sexually abused as a child and I am still obviously processing that. My boyfriend of two years knows this, I have always been open with it.

    The other day, in passing, I saw he had the Lolita (1962) film by Spielberg on his computer. I sort of was a bit shocked, I knew that he has read it and thought it was a very good/impressive piece of literature. I just thought it odd he had the film as he was so repulsed by the book and said he wanted to read it only because it was regarded so well as a piece of literature. I asked him why he had the film, therefore, and he was quite coarse, saying I shouldn't insinuate anything like him wanting the film for I what I suppose was schadenfreude.

    I cried, I apologised and he apologised for being rude, and we were okay. Obviously I have a lot to work through. But I sort of wanted to ask others if this was normal? I think I've lost a bit of perspective on what is in regards to sexual abuse. Like is this all okay?

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    Sorry to be clear, not schadenfreude over what happened to me but to the character in the film.

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    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Just to remark, not Spielberg.

    Lolita is a 1962 comedy-drama film directed by Stanley Kubrick
    1955 novel of the same title by Vladimir Nabokov

    "Humbert Humbert (James Mason) is a European professor who relocates to an American suburb, renting a room from lonely widow Charlotte Haze (Shelley Winters). Humbert marries Charlotte, but only to nurture his obsession with her comely teenage daughter, Lolita (Sue Lyon)"


    You ask:

    "I sort of wanted to ask others if this was normal?"

    If what is/was normal?

    People read all kinds of literature and watch all kinds of films.

    Are you saying that he had some underlying agenda for watching this movie, given that he knows about your past?

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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Just to remark, not Spielberg.

    Lolita is a 1962 comedy-drama film directed by Stanley Kubrick
    1955 novel of the same title by Vladimir Nabokov

    "Humbert Humbert (James Mason) is a European professor who relocates to an American suburb, renting a room from lonely widow Charlotte Haze (Shelley Winters). Humbert marries Charlotte, but only to nurture his obsession with her comely teenage daughter, Lolita (Sue Lyon)"


    You ask:

    "I sort of wanted to ask others if this was normal?"

    If what is/was normal?

    People read all kinds of literature and watch all kinds of films.

    Are you saying that he had some underlying agenda for watching this movie, given that he knows about your past?

    Oh whoops, sorry.

    I think I was just taken aback as he is very averse to sad/abusive things. Like he hates anything like a murder mystery, etc. So it shocked me a little, as he always put it as he read this book as it was something he wanted to do literature-wise. I think it was more that he had the film that shocked me as he has gone as far as to say he hated that I used to watch horror films, it was unpleasant and made him think twice about me. So I wouldn't want to go as far as saying he has an underlying agenda but I just was nervous about it and his reaction upset me.

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    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    ". The critical consensus reads: "Kubrick's Lolita adapts its seemingly unadaptable source material with a sly comedic touch and a sterling performance by James Mason that transforms the controversial novel into something refreshingly new without sacrificing its essential edge."[57] Filmmaker David Lynch has said that Lolita is his favourite Kubrick film.[58]

    The film was a commercial success. Produced on budget of $2 million, Lolita grossed $9,250,000 domestically.[2] During its initial run, the movie earned an estimated $4.5 million in North American rentals"


    Yes, I have seen the movie, a few times.

    he hates anything like a murder mystery, etc.

    Murder mysteries can be most entertaining. What has he against them? What kind of movies does he like? Maybe "The Sound of Music"?

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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    [I]".

    Murder mysteries can be most entertaining. What has he against them? What kind of movies does he like? Maybe "The Sound of Music"?
    Well, there is the disparity there which took me aback. He watches almost exclusively romcoms, and I'm sure you can forgive me for removing Lolita from that category despite its comedic touches.

    But I am glad to know it is in the realm of normal. I am more sensitive as he had made awful jokes in the past and obviously my history.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Hopefully you are still sorting through all this in therapy. Most people have heard of or seen/read the movie/book. It's not kiddie porn. It was just controversial at the time.

    Try to focus on how he treats you his overall character etc, not his taste in movies/books. Keep in mind a heightened sensitivity to this type of thing is all part of your recovery.
    Originally Posted by UnsureEmot
    I think I was just taken aback as he is very averse to sad/abusive things. Like he hates anything like a murder mystery, etc. So it shocked me a little, as he always put it as he read this book as it was something he wanted to do literature-wise.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I think, OP, that you have to be careful that you don't get into trying to control what your SO can do, watch, read as a way to deal with your past trauma.

    He didn't download child porn from the dark web that you caught him out at, he downloaded a popular old movie and yes, he is absolutely well within his rights to watch that. If you are curious why he is interested, you need to learn to control your emotions and actually ask with an open mind and a willingness to listen, rather than in an attack that will leave you both fighting, in tears, and so on.

    He doesn't need to justify to you why he wants to watch something, nor should you ever put him in that position where he feels defensive about it. This movie, other public movies aren't about you and your trauma and he wasn't asking you to watch it with him either. That said, he sounds overly judgmental and defensive in a "methinks thou doth protest too much" if he won't watch murder mysteries or judge you so harshly for enjoying the horror flicks. Are you perhaps harboring some resentment toward him over that?

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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I think, OP, that you have to be careful that you don't get into trying to control what your SO can do, watch, read as a way to deal with your past trauma.

    He didn't download child porn from the dark web that you caught him out at, he downloaded a popular old movie and yes, he is absolutely well within his rights to watch that. If you are curious why he is interested, you need to learn to control your emotions and actually ask with an open mind and a willingness to listen, rather than in an attack that will leave you both fighting, in tears, and so on.

    He doesn't need to justify to you why he wants to watch something, nor should you ever put him in that position where he feels defensive about it. This movie, other public movies aren't about you and your trauma and he wasn't asking you to watch it with him either. That said, he sounds overly judgmental and defensive in a "methinks thou doth protest too much" if he won't watch murder mysteries or judge you so harshly for enjoying the horror flicks. Are you perhaps harboring some resentment toward him over that?

    No yes I completely understand that, I think I was quite upset as he places so much stall in what media a person consumes as a basis of their character, hence it being a deal breaker if I watched more horror films. I wouldn't try control what he watches.

    I am sorry I didn't understand more about the film, I was reluctant to. I am thankful LaHermes explained it to me, which I'm sure this forum is for.

    He still has the film, I apologised to him for even getting upset about it, I think I just wanted reassurance from elsewhere.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by UnsureEmot
    I am more sensitive as he had made awful jokes in the past and obviously my history.
    I'm not sure what you mean here. Would you mind explaining a bit what kinds of awful jokes he's made about your history?

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