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Thread: I feel so so low

  1. #1
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    I feel so so low

    I am still struggling after the man I absolutely loved and adored ended it with me. What I am so upset about is i had no idea he was about to do it and it was by text. There were always issues with him in that he told me in the beginning that he dont think he can ever love after he went through a bad divorce...his wife turned out to be a lesbian. However after 2 times of being with me and then ending it we got together on a fwb basis for a year and then I asked him if I could be his gf and he said yes. We were together for 4 years but just like that something in him has changed and he has ended it leaving me so hurt especially as he has ignored my texts which have been reaching out to him to say that after all this time did I not deserve to have a discussion before he just threw it all away. Looking back yes I did give more love than he did and yes I was more affectionate but we did have a lot of fun together too. He definitely has issues and he never liked me to talk about anything emotional and would say sshhhh which I didnt like and it was all on his terms but I loved him so much I accepted it all. Now I cant stop crying and just dont and cant understand why he has just thrown me away and has ignored my pleas when I've told him how much he has hurt me and that I really thought that if he did end it he would have done it proper and that I always believed we would always be friends and the fact he has ignored that I am feeling like he just dont care about how I'm feeling at all and its killing me. How can I stop feeling so hurt?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by What a mug
    I am still struggling after the man I absolutely loved and adored ended it with me. What I am so upset about is i had no idea he was about to do it and it was by text. i
    I am sorry and yes you deserved more than a text.
    There are alot of lessons to be learned by this. You said you didn't see it coming, but yet there was plenty of signs it was very likely.
    You said you reconciled to a fwb situation with a man he by all accounts seemed relunctant to be with you.
    He didn't want to discuss important issues with you and was dismissive. You admit you did most of the work and were more invested than he was.
    The take away here is don't get involved or invested in a situation unless it's equitable and you both share the same feelings. The signs were all there that this was very likely going to end at some point. It's ok to be hopeful, but niave to ignore signs.
    Had you valued yourself more, you would've believed you deserved better.
    Take your time and with some distance you can see this more objectively and learn to not put yourself in this type of situation again.
    You can't change what he did, but you do have control of your choices. Choose wisely.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    I fully concur Reinvent.

    "The take away here is don't get involved or invested in a situation unless it's equitable and you both share the same feelings. "

    Loving too much is very toxic.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    He said horrible things to you: "He also said one of he reasons for ending it was that I smelled as I dont shower twice a day. "

    He also was mean to your kids according to your previous thread. Try to think about what's best for your kids if you can't think about what's best for you.

    And stop reaching out. Going back to that situation will make things much worse.

    If you need help there's no shame in reaching out to a professional.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. From the beginning he told you "he could never love anyone or be in a relationship"...That was his planned escape loop.. Such people are never in with both feet, so they never step out with both feet.

    Everything from relationship to the breakup is halfhearted on his part. Don't take it personally. Especially stop demanding that the issue is how he broke up not that you broke up. Chasing him for answers won't help you. The answer is he is a coward who you took a gamble on.

    What's the difference if he texts, emails, sent smoke signals, planned to see you in person and stick it to you that way, etc? The result is the same. Heartache from a guy who was never really present.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Time is the only way to get over this. After about a month, you should be feeling better. The waves of pain become less and less.

    It's tougher for you because when you give too much, and claw for someone's affection, and they hold you down, you can't be yourself...you lose a sense of yourself/who you are....that's codependency. You don't have a life unless he is in your life....that is so so damaging to your self worth. At the end of it, you have nothing. It's gonna take some time to shake this guy out of your system. Keep busy, stop thinking about him.

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    Iím sorry.

    My ex broke up with me over Facebook messenger and how I look at it is Iím better off.

    I think you need to not dwell on what he did and think about what he didnít do for you.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for your pain.

    I don't know if you're religious but whenever I feel defeated, I pray and ask for strength, toughness and wisdom. It seems to work for me.

    Whenever I feel at my lowest point in life due to a relationship gone awry, I think long and hard about "why?" Often times, the answer is due to lack of honorable, noble character. Others call it incompatibility. I dig deeper and always observe character first and foremost because at the end of the day nothing else truly matters.

    If a person lacks empathy, self-centered, selfish and into "me-ism first" mentality, relationships will flounder and fail. Then you add on top of that: Disrespect and rudeness towards others, lack of consideration for other people's feelings, an obnoxious kink in their personality in the way they speak and write, it's a recipe for disaster sometime down the road. It's bound to happen and inevitable. Once you break it down like that, you'll actually transform your pain into RELIEF. You'll realize that you didn't prolong an abnormal relationship with said person. This is what causes you to change the way you think. What helps is when you look at the facts astutely, shrewdly and coldly minus emotion. Your emotion clouds your judgment and causes your hurt. Remove your emotion and the hurt becomes less and less over time. Your hurt eventually transforms to nil one day. You'll arrive at feeling relieved if you change the way you think. Then you'll have the "good riddance!" mentality. It's part of growing up and your maturing process.

    In the future, shop around, make sure your radar is up and make character qualities your top priority. Never settle for second best. Always afford to become very picky and choosy because it will pay off later. Be wise. Become a better judge of character.

  10. #9
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    He said horrible things to you: "He also said one of he reasons for ending it was that I smelled as I dont shower twice a day. "

    He also was mean to your kids according to your previous thread. Try to think about what's best for your kids if you can't think about what's best for you.

    And stop reaching out. Going back to that situation will make things much worse.

    If you need help there's no shame in reaching out to a professional.
    I second this post in its entirety. I know you're hurting OP, but view this as a bullet dodged.

  11. #10
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    "My bf broke up with me after 4 years because he said I was being difficult and challenging but I have no idea what he means. He said he asked me if I was going to have a shower one morning and I said no I will have one when I get home as all my shampoo and gel is there and he used that as the example of when I challenged him. I thought that was really unfair as I didn't even realise that my comment to have the shower at home even bothered him. But now he has said this I have been thinking and I recall times when i have wanted to talk about something like why dont he kiss me much or things to do with us he would tell me to ssshhh and say why are you being like this so that would shut me up and I wouldn't carry on with the convo. We always did what he wanted, he would not let me watch any shows on TV I liked when I was at his I had to watch what he liked but I didnt care as was happy to just be with him and if i was watching anything he would turn it over. He also mentioned my hair was greasy when he popped over to my garden during lockdown as a reason he ended it. My mum told me that he thought he was controlling me but I couldn't see it but now I'm wondering if his behaviour was a form of controlling? We went on holiday with my kids last year and he would expect them to like what he liked and got annoyed that my son was taking his time in the morning and accused him of doing it on purpose to ruin the day. He didnt like our towels hanging up in the bathroom and told me to move them coz he could smell them. What does anybody think of this?"

    Same opinion. The guy is a complete azzhole. I suggest you address why you stayed with and tolerated his abuse. Have you considered therapy?

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