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He sees nothing wrong with being the wing man


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yesterday i went out with some of my friends to have lunch and also watch the game. i ran into my boyfriend’s friend there and i texted my boyfriend to just let him know. My boyfriend then decided to come to the place we were at to also watch the game. Because he’s friend and some other people were sitting in a different location, he decided to go sit a catch up with them for a bit which was fine with me. My boyfriend’s friend is newly single and i guess he wanted to mingle with some girls(they were 4 girls sitting at a table) he decided that my boyfriend was perfect wingman. I sat with my friends and watched my boyfriend flirt with women for some time and i finally texted him and told him that i didn’t like what he was doing and he told me he would stop.

 

after a while my friends decided that it was time to go. i told my so called man that my crew was about to leave and i was already upset over the wingman nonsense so i wanted to go home. He told me to wait for him in the parking lot while he closed out his tab since i refused to stay. i waited for 30 minutes and then finally decided to go back in and found him and his friend sitting drinking a beer and still socializing with these girls. We got into a whole argument because apparently he had earlier told the girls me and him were together and i was upset that he was being a wingman. The girls started saying mean things to me and i wasn’t having it because my issue was not with them, it was with him. i decided to walk away and he followed me. He wanted to come to my place and i declined. i got into my car and drove away and noticed that he also got into his car and drove home. he texted me about the situation and i told him that what he did was not okay especially after i told him how i felt. i went to sleep hoping i would feel somewhat okay, but i am still as upset as i was last night. Am i wrong for being so angry? Am i overreacting? is it okay for my man to be a wingman to his single friends when i’m around?

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Don't text him to join you when you are out alone enjoying an evening with your own friends. Let him do his own guy's night if you are out doing your own thing with your friends.

 

He's a jerk for flirting while you are there, but you did not go out as a couple for whatever reason.

 

i never texted him to join me. i texted him telling him that i didn’t like what he was doing. that’s all i said. he’s the one that asked me to come sit with him when my girlfriends where leaving

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I'd be upset too. What's done is done and you can't go back in time and change it. I'd suggest doing the opposite (as in opposite of what your initial reactions in anger/frustration might be to do) - suggest going out for dinner and meeting with him if he wants to meet with you. Talk about it over a good meal and as adults and don't do the texting or stonewalling or ignoring each other. There's nothing you can do to change what's already happened. What you can do is try and understand each other better and avoid this from happening again.

 

From there you can be observant with his language and how he speaks with you or the way he thinks or feels about the situation. Remember that the end goal here is to figure out whether this is a person you want to be with or see a future with. This is just a fight but it's not the war, so to speak.

 

Has he done this before?

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I'd be upset too. What's done is done and you can't go back in time and change it. I'd suggest doing the opposite (as in opposite of what your initial reactions in anger/frustration might be to do) - suggest going out for dinner and meeting with him if he wants to meet with you. Talk about it over a good meal and as adults and don't do the texting or stonewalling or ignoring each other. There's nothing you can do to change what's already happened. What you can do is try and understand each other better and avoid this from happening again.

 

From there you can be observant with his language and how he speaks with you or the way he thinks or feels about the situation. Remember that the end goal here is to figure out whether this is a person you want to be with or see a future with. This is just a fight but it's not the war, so to speak.

 

Has he done this before?

 

thank you dear, he has not done this to me before, but he’s been open to me about he’s past infidelities and i think this is what triggered me to be so angry

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is it okay for my man to be a wingman to his single friends when i’m around?

 

When I was single my wing(wo)men were happily married and/or in relationships which to me, makes the ideal wingperson.... someone that helps start conversations with people of the opposite sex without being competition.

 

That being said... I think what your BF did goes beyond what I would consider appropriate for someone in a relationship, particularly since he knew how upset you were.

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I think he was being pretty disrespectful. I guess if this is an isolated incident and alcohol was involved, you are entitled to your feelings but at some point you let it go and hope everyone learned a lesson from it and it won't happen again.

 

You mentioned past infidelities. Is this with you? If so, I might alter my previous words.

 

I guess from this point on I'd be uncomfortable with him going out with his friends after what you witnessed. He did this in your presence. What does he do in your absense?

 

I don't mean to throw gas on your fire, but depending on the level of trust you have with each other and his ability to own up to his responsibility will determine which way this goes.

 

But yes. . I've be really disappointed if I were in your shoes.

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Can I ask how long you've been together? And, in that time, is there any history of him showing, as he did the other day, a general immunity to acting in a considerate manner? I ask because I'm trying to understand if this is an isolated incident, or a more potent strand of something you've dealt with—him not recognizing your feelings or being respectful—in the past.

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I think he was being pretty disrespectful. I guess if this is an isolated incident and alcohol was involved, you are entitled to your feelings but at some point you let it go and hope everyone learned a lesson from it and it won't happen again.

 

You mentioned past infidelities. Is this with you? If so, I might alter my previous words.

 

I guess from this point on I'd be uncomfortable with him going out with his friends after what you witnessed. He did this in your presence. What does he do in your absense?

 

I don't mean to throw gas on your fire, but depending on the level of trust you have with each other and his ability to own up to his responsibility will determine which way this goes.

 

But yes. . I've be really disappointed if I were in your shoes.

 

hey, thank you.

 

He’s been unfaithful with other women before me. he says he’s never felt the way he feels about me with any one else, but people lie.

 

I don’t want to not trust him when he’s out alone with his friends, but i feel like i’m already in that mental space.

 

i don’t want to end the relationship either, but i think it’s gonna take me a few days to clear my head because the more i think about it, the more upset i get.

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hey, thank you.

 

He’s been unfaithful with other women before me. he says he’s never felt the way he feels about me with any one else, but people lie.

 

I don’t want to not trust him when he’s out alone with his friends, but i feel like i’m already in that mental space.

 

i don’t want to end the relationship either, but i think it’s gonna take me a few days to clear my head because the more i think about it, the more upset i get.

 

The trouble with dating a cheater is that you will never stop looking over your shoulder waiting for that shoe to drop. You can't trust him and rightfully so.

 

This isn't about him playing a wingman at all, this is about you not being able to trust him. As another poster said, when I was in my early 20's the taken and married friends made the best wingmen/women precisely because they couldn't care less, could walk right up and strike up a conversation and not be competition at the same time. In fact, if anyone tried to get too flirty, they'd quickly point out that they aren't looking but "hey look, so and so is single, talk to her or him." sort of a thing. Nobody cared, nobody was upset, nobody worried about cheating.....because they knew their partners wouldn't cheat. Your problem is that you don't actually know that.

 

At some point, instead of drinking the "you are so special that he is a changed man for you" kool aid, ask yourself if you really want to be with someone you can't trust. Is this good enough for you?

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Your boyfriend lacks good judgment, integrity and respect for you. No, you're not overreacting. I'd be angry, too.

 

This is the way your boyfriend is and you cannot change him nor mold him to your will. Either accept and tolerate his behavior including whenever your back is turned or dissolve the relationship. He's dishonorable.

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I'm not keen on his friends. You may be dating someone from the wrong pond/pool altogether. The most you can do is just get to know each other a little better if you're not ready to decide whether he's right for you. If you both have a lot of similarities and similar tastes, groups of friends etc, you might have to check in with yourself and ask whether this is the life you want or whether what you find attractive is causing more grief than it is joy.

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This isn't being a wingman. It's just garden variety flirting with women which is inconsistent with being in a committed relationship-then crassly talking about you behind your back.

 

^This in a nutshell and especially the badmouthing you behind your back to other women part - such typical cheater MO. Look at poor me, feel sorry for me, my gf is such a biotch you should save me from her by sleeping with me.

 

OP, this dude hasn't changed one bit from who he is. Cheaters don't change their character.

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^This in a nutshell and especially the badmouthing you behind your back to other women part - such typical cheater MO. Look at poor me, feel sorry for me, my gf is such a biotch you should save me from her by sleeping with me.

 

OP, this dude hasn't changed one bit from who he is. Cheaters don't change their character.

 

Exactly this! What a jerk! I would be livid too, and I would break up with him

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He’s been unfaithful with other women before me. he says he’s never felt the way he feels about me with any one else, but people lie. So, his poor ethics had him screwing around with other women while he had a girlfriend. Just because he says he's not doing that in the present, you're not alarmed by what he was capable of? Who knows what he said to those women, but he didn't speak up for you when they badmouthed you. He lied about paying out his tab, yet you waited an entire 30 minutes to go seek out that dirtbag, and there is zero excuse for flirting with other girls when you have a gf.

 

Why do you think he's some treasured prize? If a dirtbag is all you think you deserve in life, your self esteem needs a huge boost. Take the garbage to the sidewalk and stay single until you love yourself enough to choose someone worthy of you.

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CBC- YOu did text him- which is why he came to the same place-

'yesterday i went out with some of my friends to have lunch and also watch the game. i ran into my boyfriend’s friend there and i texted my boyfriend to just let him know. My boyfriend then decided to come to the place we were at to also watch the game. Because he’s friend and some other people were sitting in a different location, he decided to go sit a catch up with them '

 

Wiseman is correct..

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