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How do you get through NC?


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The anxiety is killing me. It took me too long to cut him off...I’m not a medical professional, but from past experience I know he’s narcissistic. I should have known better and cut him off from the beginning. He literally strung me along for over a year...killed my self esteem. During the pandemic, he was spending a lot of time with me which just made me feel closer to him. He made excuses as to why he never invites me to his promoter friends events which I expressed many times I want to go to. Well, I saw him post a story on IG and there was a girl there he seemed super friendly with, but said it was his friends colleagues girlfriend...sure! I barely said a word to him, but I did confront him for lying (he has been visiting this area a lot lately with his “guy friends”) it’s his business what he does as we were friends but yes fooling around from time to time, so yes I became close to him and got my hopes up..stupid. Anyways, he blocked me from IG and I barely said two words which just confirms my suspicions. He always seems to come back to me too, when he gets bored of a girl or maybe she dumped him idk...I wanted to be friends with him but not when I’m being lied to and strung along.

 

My anxiety is really bad...I am at peace not having to worry if he’s lying anymore but I wake up and my heart is racing. I keep looking at my phone expecting a text...I just hope it gets better soon. I have tried distracting myself but I think about him after a few min...Anyone have experience with a narcissist? The pain is really unbearable..I am not going to be his backup plan when things go sour.

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Delete his contact information. Block him from any means of communication. Another option is to leave him in your phone but change the name to DO NOT ANSWER.

 

Then, enlist a friend who won't mind if you contact her/him when you're tempted to reach out to "say 'hi'" or say "How are you?"

 

And forget about the medical diagnoses because you can't diagnose him, plus that excuses him from his mean behavior. Instead, realize he is a jerk who doesn't care about you. You have to care enough about yourself to stop letting him treat you this way.

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I've known a few narcissists. :upset: You get through it by changing the way you think. Instead of anticipating texts (or other electronic correspondence), feel relieved and have the "good riddance!" mentality. NC is actually a free favor to you so grab it and run away with it!

 

Feel freedom from your original shackles from a narcissist. That's how I look at it. Now you have the freedom to create your own world, feel safe from harm, feel safe from weird, complex, insecure people and learn to surround yourself with moral, very honorable, upstanding people instead.

 

Bad experiences and NC gives you pause to think that this is the time to treat yourself to kindness.

 

I agree with boltnrun. Block and delete him. Consider him history and he should remain there! Move on with your life.

 

This bad experience taught you to become a better judge of character. I always look at negative experiences as wisdom gained. It was not all in vain.

 

Start anew and start fresh.

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He's a guy that liked to date two girls at the same time, possibly more...he's not really a narcissist, just a player, and you got duped. There is no punishing guys like him, they don't care when there are plenty of other women they can suck in with telling them what they want to hear.....it is what it is. Block/delete move on.

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Start a journal and write in it if you have a feeling you might want to reach out or contact him on impulse. Try and get through at least a week. The panic and anxiety will ease slowly after 4 or 5 days. Shut off your phone even if you don't need it - as in power down completely. Be free.

 

This person isn't worth a minute more of your time.

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Start a journal and write in it if you have a feeling you might want to reach out or contact him on impulse. Try and get through at least a week. The panic and anxiety will ease slowly after 4 or 5 days. Shut off your phone even if you don't need it - as in power down completely. Be free.

 

This person isn't worth a minute more of your time.

Thanks your right, he isn’t. I was feeling super weak yesterday abs today was also super hard. But his silence has really confirmed for me that he don’t give a crap about me. He only reaches out when he’s bored, or it benefits his twisted ego...it’s hard but not giving in. I know I deserve more.
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Start a journal and write in it if you have a feeling you might want to reach out or contact him on impulse. Try and get through at least a week. The panic and anxiety will ease slowly after 4 or 5 days. Shut off your phone even if you don't need it - as in power down completely. Be free.

 

This person isn't worth a minute more of your time.

Oh I do have a journal..my therapist suggested it..
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He always seems to come back to me too, when he gets bored of a girl or maybe she dumped him idk.

 

He always comes back simply because he knows you'll always be there waiting for him. Rather than be the person who allows herself to be someone's doormat, why not up your standards and send him packing?

 

We teach others how to treat us, therefore how do you interpret the message you're sending him? Your call...

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He always comes back simply because he knows you'll always be there waiting for him. Rather than be the person who allows herself to be someone's doormat, why not up your standards and send him packing?

 

We teach others how to treat us, therefore how do you interpret the message you're sending him? Your call...

yes I get what your saying. Have to stop letting people disrespect me. He won’t get access this time. I had certain standards before I met him, he faked it so now it’s time to move on. He isn’t going to cut it.
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You will get strong by not seeing yourself as a victim, and understand why you allowed, and participated in all of this. Once you do, you will move on to healthier place.

 

Block and delete him, and move on with your life! And stop diagnosing, focus on your own behavior. If you don’t learn from this, You will do it with someone else.

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Oh I do have a journal..my therapist suggested it..

 

Great, good job. Yes, you do deserve more. Keep following the advice from your therapist and if something isn't working or you're having trouble with something they've said or advice offered, talk with your therapist. Keep giving your feedback and working with him/her.

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Totally agree. I mean, it’s only day 2 so it’s still fresh and I get I need to ride the wave. We didn’t live together or have any real history, but he played too many mind games that had me questioning my sanity. I knew I was not imagining it, but he gaslighted me the entire time

 

Gaslighting is evil. I agree. Be glad to get rid of him. You deserve to be treated with respect.

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You will get strong by not seeing yourself as a victim, and understand why you allowed, and participated in all of this. Once you do, you will move on to healthier place.

 

Block and delete him, and move on with your life! And stop diagnosing, focus on your own behavior. If you don’t learn from this, You will do it with someone else.

Absolutely 👌🏻 I know what mistakes I’m NOT going to make next time. I am not getting any younger. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I really did try to see the best in him. He would do terrible things. Ditching me at a party, etc..and I always forgave him because he really knew what to say (manipulation) to keep me coming back. He knows about my fear of abandonment, anxiety which he made worse, low self esteem etc. He would do nice things here and there because it’s what kept me coming back. Nice people are nice all the time, not when it’s convenient.
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And this man makes your issues worse, not better. Trying to get him to love you will not solve anything because you already know that won't happen. He isn't interested in treating you well.

 

So now you can stop researching him and start focusing on you. Because when you continue to "research" him your psyche will believe you are still in some kind of relationship with him and you will remain attached. Whereas if you turn that focus on understanding how to avoid putting yourself into this kind of situation you will have positive results and a positive feeling.

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Briefly venting and writing in a journal about him is fine, but don't let it go on for very long, because you will be keeping him in your headspace and won't be able to move on. That's a way you will be keeping him in your life instead of him getting more and more distant in your rearview mirror as you speed away.

 

Deleting and blocking his number is putting the power in your hands, instead of leaving the power to him, letting him intrude on your life whenever he chooses.

 

It usually has taken me about 4 months to stop thinking of an ex daily. Be realistic about a timeframe when it will likely happen for you, so you might look forward to January as when you will be free and clear if you do everything right in the meantime. A great way to begin a new year. For now, pamper yourself. Try some new recipes. Watch comedies. Start a new hobby. Take care.

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And this man makes your issues worse, not better. Trying to get him to love you will not solve anything because you already know that won't happen. He isn't interested in treating you well.

 

So now you can stop researching him and start focusing on you. Because when you continue to "research" him your psyche will believe you are still in some kind of relationship with him and you will remain attached. Whereas if you turn that focus on understanding how to avoid putting yourself into this kind of situation you will have positive results and a positive feeling.

Absolutely 100%
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Absolutely 👌🏻 I know what mistakes I’m NOT going to make next time. I am not getting any younger. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I really did try to see the best in him. He would do terrible things. Ditching me at a party, etc..and I always forgave him because he really knew what to say (manipulation) to keep me coming back. He knows about my fear of abandonment, anxiety which he made worse, low self esteem etc. He would do nice things here and there because it’s what kept me coming back. Nice people are nice all the time, not when it’s convenient.

You knew what was going on, and kept going back for more. Please stop seeing yourself as a big victim, as you were 50% of the problem. You are responsible for returning to this jerk!

 

Address your own issues and choices, as they are the only things you can change.

 

What did your friends and family advise?

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Having been through this a couple times, I have a few things that helped me.

*accept the way you are feeling is normal. (especially during a time that nothing feels normal) Sometimes it gets so intense it makes you want to run back just to stop the anxiety.It makes you wonder if you are indeed crazy. I know it did me.

 

*your attachment creates a biochemical environment. The sudden loss of a partner can crash your levels of seritonin and dopamine, which causes anxiety and depression. It takes time to readjust.

 

*I would write a scathing list of all their wrong doings. During my weakest moments I would reread it to remind me why we weren't meant to be together and reinforce it.

 

*I'd sit in the middle of the bad feelings and deal with them straight on. I used to run from them and try to distract myself. That never worked. The bad feelings are always there waiting for you.

 

*I'd view it as a drug addict. The first days of detox are always the worst. But they do get better. I'd force myself, even on what I thought was a really bad day to look back at the days and weeks before and have to acknowledge that no matter how painful that moment was, it was better than it was last week at the same time. It reinforces that, even though it didn't feel like it, there is progress.

 

*Be kind to yourself. Do nice things for yourself and surround yourself with support family and friends.

 

You will get throught this. Hang in there.

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Having been through this a couple times, I have a few things that helped me.

*accept the way you are feeling is normal. (especially during a time that nothing feels normal) Sometimes it gets so intense it makes you want to run back just to stop the anxiety.It makes you wonder if you are indeed crazy. I know it did me.

 

*your attachment creates a biochemical environment. The sudden loss of a partner can crash your levels of seritonin and dopamine, which causes anxiety and depression. It takes time to readjust.

 

*I would write a scathing list of all their wrong doings. During my weakest moments I would reread it to remind me why we weren't meant to be together and reinforce it.

 

*I'd sit in the middle of the bad feelings and deal with them straight on. I used to run from them and try to distract myself. That never worked. The bad feelings are always there waiting for you.

 

*I'd view it as a drug addict. The first days of detox are always the worst. But they do get better. I'd force myself, even on what I thought was a really bad day to look back at the days and weeks before and have to acknowledge that no matter how painful that moment was, it was better than it was last week at the same time. It reinforces that, even though it didn't feel like it, there is progress.

 

*Be kind to yourself. Do nice things for yourself and surround yourself with support family and friends.

 

You will get throught this. Hang in there.

thanks! I can’t stand the anxiety where my heart is racing and my thoughts so it’s why I would forgive him over and over again. I felt at the time, that dealing with him is less painful than anxiety. I was wrong. Dealing with him only makes my anxiety worse. He knows how to trigger me and it’s non stop mind games with him. Ignore messages intentionally, etc.
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Why not see a doctor for a complete workup and a referral to supportive ongoing therapy? Also delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and all your messaging apps.

 

If you don't get the anxiety/depression treated you'll continue to feel bad and make bad choices.

Dealing with him only makes my anxiety worse.
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thanks! I can’t stand the anxiety where my heart is racing and my thoughts so it’s why I would forgive him over and over again. I felt at the time, that dealing with him is less painful than anxiety. I was wrong. Dealing with him only makes my anxiety worse. He knows how to trigger me and it’s non stop mind games with him. Ignore messages intentionally, etc.

 

I hope you realize that anxiety if your body's way of telling you in no uncertain terms that you need to fix your life and start making better choices for yourself.

 

Stop telling yourself that this guy is some kind of super human master manipulator and start being more honest with yourself. You accepted the bs because you wanted to. It's that simple really. Whatever you were getting out of that situation, that's for you to sit with and think about. Obviously, whatever it was, it's not working for you anymore....hopefully.....

 

Overall, latching on to someone who doesn't really want you in a meaningful way, who isn't willing to give you a relationship you want and trying to "make them want you" is really about your ego at its core. You call him manipulative, but what you are doing is also very manipulative. Straightforward people, when rejected or mistreated, simply walk away instead of engaging in games, going back and forth, etc. It takes two to play games and if you want your anxiety fixed, start owning your part and your behavior and start being honest with yourself about that. If you can do that, I think you'll find that your life become much more clear, peaceful, and fulfilling instead of dramatic.

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Why not see a doctor for a complete workup and a referral to supportive ongoing therapy? Also delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and all your messaging apps.

 

If you don't get the anxiety/depression treated you'll continue to feel bad and make bad choices.

 

At the same time, breaks up break us. Most have been through them and go on to love again.

I don't know that we need to run to a doctor or a therapist for a breakup. It's part of life. If you are still feeling this way months from now it might suggest you are stuck and might need some help.

But telling someone with a broken heart that need medical or theraputic internventions suggests there is something wrong with them. Which in reality what she is experiencing is perfectly normal.

 

That's one of the challenges right now. Trying to keep your feet square on the ground and not feeling like you might lose it. There is nothing wrong with her and her feelings are valid and normal.

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