Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I know this is mainly my fault but I'm just really not going well mentally and my drinking problem is really getting out of hand. Quarantine has been incredibly hard for me because in October of last year I ended my relationship with my fiance of two years. The wedding had already been booked and deposit paid for January this year. I had to end it because he became really addicted to drugs. I have a previous post about this, if anyone is interested.

 

I'm 35 years old and my whole life I wanted to get married and have kids. When my engagement ended it really broke me because I actually thought that my dreams were really coming true, except they didn't.

 

Since quarantine started in March, things have been hard for me. I know it's been awful for everyone and don't mean to complain, but it hit me really badly. I'm an extremely social person who has a lot of friends. Normally my life was spent pursuing interests outside the house and going out with friends a lot. Socialising and attending events is my favourite thing to do in life. I am not a homebody at all, I hate staying home. I'm still employed by my job but since March they cancelled my work. Fortunately I am on a government coronavirus allowance which is plenty for me to live on right now. But I live alone with no pets and I've been spending all my time completely alone 24/7. I took up the hobby of pen palling and arts and crafts which helps but other than that I'm very lonely and bored.

 

In July the quarantine restrictions eased off and we were allowed to see friends and meet people. I have an online dating profile and on there I ticked "looking for either monogamous or non-monogamous relationship". I prefer monogamous but the reason I said that was because straight after my engagement ended I wasn't over my ex and was kind of just looking for friends or something casual. I'd never been non-monogamous before except I was FWB with my male friend who is polyamorous for 2.5 years. But I only like him as a friend and it was just a sex thing, so I wasn't jealous that he's polyamorous.

 

When quarantine eased off, I met up with a bisexual polyamorous 49-year-old man from online dating. I am bisexual myself and when we met we realised we actually have a lot of things in common. On his online dating profile it did say that he's married to the mother of his two children and he also has a second partner. Honestly I wasn't even looking for anything except just to maybe hook up and have some company after three months completely alone 24/7 in isolation.

 

Unfortunately my plan failed miserably and things didn't turn out the way I was thinking. I was seeing this man, S, for two and a half months. I began to really fall for him and I was really scared of feeling that way because I was also starting to realise that maybe I can't actually be polyamorous. I was shocked because after maybe only 3-4 weeks seeing each other he said he loved me. The thing is I felt the same. I really felt like we had a great connection and we had a lot in common and amazing physical chemistry.

 

I was trying really hard to be OK with him being polyamorous. His wife had actually left him and moved out. He's had a vasectomy because he doesn't want any more kids but he said to me if I have kids with another guy, he doesn't mind but hopes the guy is polyamorous so we could continue our relationship. I really tried my best to not feel jealous when he talked about his other female partner or his crushes or people he planned to go on a date with after quarantine is over. We have been in isolation the last three months. But we're allowed to see a romantic partner so S and I could see each other. As you can imagine he was my whole world because I wasn't actually allowed to see anyone else. I spent about three days every week with him.

 

S contacted me constantly and said he loved me and how gorgeous and beautiful I am. I was crazy about him but I felt awful deep down. I began to realise that if I love someone, it actually really hurts if they date other people. I met S' two daughters who seemed like very sweet children. S has wedding photos of him and his wife around his house and of the children, them as babies, etc. I began to feel this hollow feeling inside the pit of my stomach and realise how much I wanted those things for me. How much I wanted to get married and have a family of my own. I just felt like an outsider looking in on this life which I couldn't have for myself.

 

So I had to end it with S but I did it very reluctantly. He was really upset and I took it very badly too. So far it's been only six days and I'm not coping that well. In isolation I began to drink alcohol a lot to cope with it. I'm bingeing quite badly, about two bottles of wine at least a couple of times a week. I do have a drug and alcohol counsellor so I will have to make some video appointments with her. I also tried anti craving medication called Campral but it was causing depression and suicidal feelings, so I had to stop it.

 

Anyway this is mainly just a vent to talk about my feelings because I'm really not going well. But any comments are very appreciated. I know it's my fault for starting anything with a polyamorous person but I think I just didn't realise that I couldn't actually be poly. I was willing to try it but now I know it's not for me.

Link to comment

Are you willing to stay sober and not date for awhile? It takes a very self-aware person to admit to their own faults. You know you can do better than this person. Good for you for ending it. Can you check out some community groups or community resources near you? I'm so surprised how many great things there are to do and people to meet (platonic only, not dating). Check in with your counsellor and see what he/she says too. Maybe relationships or certain aspects about relationship stress triggers your need for alcohol or an alcohol dependency. If you can avoid these triggers would it help?

 

Don't give up or lose hope! Shut the door on poly if it's not for you. Whatever doesn't work for you is not good for you. Don't look back. It's not worth it. There are much, much more rewarding and great things around the corner if you let it happen. Pick yourself up off the ground. This isn't the end for you. There's so much more to live for.

Link to comment
my drinking problem is really getting out of hand.

 

. In isolation I began to drink alcohol a lot to cope with it. I'm bingeing quite badly, about two bottles of wine at least a couple of times a week. I do have a drug and alcohol counsellor so I will have to make some video appointments with her.

I would start here. Clearly this is a serious issue and needs professional help. Get this sorted and then look into therapy in general to help you with all the other issues. Meantime, forget about dating until you are in a mentally healthier place and have sorted out the drinking problem. Time to focus on YOU and your general well being first.

Link to comment

I'm sorry to hear, TinyDance.

 

If it's any consolation, I think your problem is uncommon right now... Lots of single, lonely (and horny) people just latching on to whoever gives them attention during quarantine. In your case, that latch didn't bestowed a worthy partner and you were able to see that when you saw his family photos.

 

As others have already said- I also advocate you to get counseling for your addiction and not date until you kick your drinking problem.

Focus on being in a healthier relationship with yourself before you bring another person in your life whose goals aligns with yours.

Life is too short.

Link to comment

This guy is not polyamorous.

He is a divorced father. Only.

And likely divorced because of infidelity.

 

Boasted on his online profile that he was married and had a second partner!?

Which wasn’t true! He actually was with no one , his wife and mother of his kids left him.

 

And for good reason it seems!

 

He clearly tells people what he thinks they want to hear in order that get what he wants.

If that means saying “I love you” then so be it.

Clearly he didn’t know you well enough to actually mean those words. So yes big red flag.

 

And then he uses the umbrella term of polyamory to convince you that he can love many.

What a joke!

 

He doesn’t want a relationship with you other than sexual. He doesn’t care if you are sexual with someone else not because he is “poly” , but because he simply doesn’t care as long as he continues to get sex. Which it sounds like he is not getting elsewhere despite his claims of multiple partners.

 

You can’t blame quarantine for your participation in this. You were 5 months single before covid quarantine.

You were a further 3 months single before meeting this guy. And another 2 months since.

 

What exactly do you want help with?

Link to comment
This guy is not polyamorous.

He is a divorced father. Only.

And likely divorced because of infidelity.

 

Boasted on his online profile that he was married and had a second partner!?

Which wasn’t true! He actually was with no one , his wife and mother of his kids left him.

 

And for good reason it seems!

 

He clearly tells people what he thinks they want to hear in order that get what he wants.

If that means saying “I love you” then so be it.

Clearly he didn’t know you well enough to actually mean those words. So yes big red flag.

 

And then he uses the umbrella term of polyamory to convince you that he can love many.

What a joke!

 

He doesn’t want a relationship with you other than sexual. He doesn’t care if you are sexual with someone else not because he is “poly” , but because he simply doesn’t care as long as he continues to get sex. Which it sounds like he is not getting elsewhere despite his claims of multiple partners.

 

You can’t blame quarantine for your participation in this. You were 5 months single before covid quarantine.

You were a further 3 months single before meeting this guy. And another 2 months since.

 

What exactly do you want help with?

 

Actually Billie, first of all I didn't say I want "help" per se. I did say I am just writing about my feelings. I am allowed to do that on this forum. I just wanted to talk to people about what I'm going through. I also feel like you weren't really reading my post. One thing I would at least appreciate before passing judgement and speaking in a harsh tone is that you in the very least read properly what is written. I did actually say that he has another partner and I said I felt jealous when he talked about the other partner. He has been in a relationship with this partner for four years. Prior to that he was also simultaneously in a relationship with other people, which has ended.

 

Polyamory is actually a real thing and not cheating if everyone involved in these relationships is completely honest and actually wants a non-monogamous relationship. His wife is also polyamorous and they both had other partners. The wife has ended the relationship just a bit before him and I met. But 100% they are all poly and extremely upfront about it because I checked all their social media. Really you don't know me or anyone I was talking about so it's not like you know the facts actually as they are.

 

I admit I did make a mistake getting involved with someone polyamorous. I even acknowledged it twice in my original post. A lot of my friends are polyamorous and as I said, I was in FWB with a close male friend who was poly. I realised I was OK with it because I wasn't actually in love with my friend. So it seemed to me like maybe I could be OK with polyamory and I could do it. However once I realised I loved S, because of the strength of my feelings I knew that actually polyamory is not for me and I got the wrong impression of myself. It was my first real experience of it and I came to these conclusions. Before that I couldn't exactly know before I tried it. My intention was not to hurt anybody or lead anyone on. I thought I could do it at the start and turned out I couldn't.

 

If you're implying I'm stupid for getting involved with a married man. The marriage is poly. On online dating he doesn't hide at all who he is. He has his real name there, his real photos. It's not a secret at all and that's because his wife was fine with it. I actually met the ex-wife once when she stopped by with their daughter. She was friendly to me and we chatted. If S was hiding something and cheating why would she hang out with me?

 

Also I'm just wondering Billie, what has been your experience in quarantine? Are you still working? Do you live alone? If you live with others and you still work then no offence but you can't relate to what quarantine is actually like for an extremely social person who is single, lives alone and is not able to work. Imagine spending 24/7 very literally alone with nothing going on for a number of months. Until you have experienced it like this I don't think you can really comment that "quarantine is not an excuse". You seriously have no idea what loneliness and depression can do to a person.

Link to comment
Well it's good you have realized a poly life is not for you. So it's not all bad! Talk to your counsellor, get a therapist if you feel a need. Do your best to stop drinking, alcohol is a depressant, it makes you feel worse.

 

Be kind to yourself, give yourself the necessary time to get thru this.

 

Thank you for the support. Yes I think I definitely need to try my very best to get off the alcohol because it's causing stomach problems as well. I think the problem is every time I feel sad or negative emotions, I want to mask them with alcohol. But I probably just need to feel them and sit with my feelings as they are. Not all feelings are good and I know alcohol is not the answer. I think definitely isolation has made me turn to it more.

Link to comment
Are you willing to stay sober and not date for awhile? It takes a very self-aware person to admit to their own faults. You know you can do better than this person. Good for you for ending it. Can you check out some community groups or community resources near you? I'm so surprised how many great things there are to do and people to meet (platonic only, not dating). Check in with your counsellor and see what he/she says too. Maybe relationships or certain aspects about relationship stress triggers your need for alcohol or an alcohol dependency. If you can avoid these triggers would it help?

 

Don't give up or lose hope! Shut the door on poly if it's not for you. Whatever doesn't work for you is not good for you. Don't look back. It's not worth it. There are much, much more rewarding and great things around the corner if you let it happen. Pick yourself up off the ground. This isn't the end for you. There's so much more to live for.

 

Thank you so much Rose. Actually normally I'm very involved in the community. I even used to do volunteer work but I had to give it up because I was both working and studying. I was also studying Australian Sign Language (Auslan) but half of the course ended up being on Zoom. I finished it in late June but decided not to continue because it's very hard to see people signing on Zoom if you're a beginner. I may return to it in future. I did also use to go to Meetup groups and all sorts of events with my friends. Since March none of this has been possible due to COVID. But I'm guessing there may be various things online I could try to check out. My counsellor is very good and I do cognitive behaviour therapy with her. It's not really the same on video but of course it's better than nothing. Yes I know it's not the end, you are right. But sometimes it just feels like it right now because it feels like the end of the world in general lol

Link to comment
I would start here. Clearly this is a serious issue and needs professional help. Get this sorted and then look into therapy in general to help you with all the other issues. Meantime, forget about dating until you are in a mentally healthier place and have sorted out the drinking problem. Time to focus on YOU and your general well being first.

 

Yes I do definitely need to get help for this. I feel a bit trapped in isolation because I'm all on my own and can't go anywhere. But you can do group support online on Zoom and video chatting with my therapist.

Link to comment
I'm sorry to hear, TinyDance.

 

If it's any consolation, I think your problem is uncommon right now... Lots of single, lonely (and horny) people just latching on to whoever gives them attention during quarantine. In your case, that latch didn't bestowed a worthy partner and you were able to see that when you saw his family photos.

 

As others have already said- I also advocate you to get counseling for your addiction and not date until you kick your drinking problem.

Focus on being in a healthier relationship with yourself before you bring another person in your life whose goals aligns with yours.

Life is too short.

 

You are right, I think I'm not really in a good place to date right now. The other issue of trying to date in quarantine is that yes I'm feeling more lonely and maybe desperate and I may not be choosing the right people. Which is exactly what just happened. Maybe now is just not a good time for anything relationship related.

Link to comment
AA has excellent online support. Drinking isolates you. AA can start helping you get involved talk to people and get support.

 

Actually I'm not a fan of twelve step programmes because I'm agnostic and I'm not really interested in largely talking about God and "the higher power" at every meeting. I used to go to AA but I was really not into it to be honest. But you can do SMART Recovery meetings online on Zoom and they are not 12 Step. I don't mean to say AA is terrible and I know it really helps some people. I think AA specifically is just not for me personally but other addiction programmes are more suitable to me.

Link to comment
Thank you so much Rose. Actually normally I'm very involved in the community. I even used to do volunteer work but I had to give it up because I was both working and studying. I was also studying Australian Sign Language (Auslan) but half of the course ended up being on Zoom. I finished it in late June but decided not to continue because it's very hard to see people signing on Zoom if you're a beginner. I may return to it in future. I did also use to go to Meetup groups and all sorts of events with my friends. Since March none of this has been possible due to COVID. But I'm guessing there may be various things online I could try to check out. My counsellor is very good and I do cognitive behaviour therapy with her. It's not really the same on video but of course it's better than nothing. Yes I know it's not the end, you are right. But sometimes it just feels like it right now because it feels like the end of the world in general lol

 

Meetup.com is really lovely. I found a brunch and dinner club there and have been meeting ever since for some weeks now. From there you'll meet other people because there are other get together or parties on the side. I also met the same people crossing over at different meet ups. You may be surprised to find some real kindred spirits at these things. I can't make it all the time but it's a great thing to look forward to at the end of a long week or if something stressful is going on. Stay away from the awkward meet ups that are pseudo dating arenas but appearing to be classy about it. I think it's so much more enjoyable to meet others without that pressure and to just go for the food or the company.

 

Zoom is great for more formal or other events. I meet with some friends that way too and have group meetings with my church community over Zoom. A good facilitator or leader goes a long way. This week I'm also joining a faith-related community (non-denominational) for an 11 week course meeting each week online. I can't make the first meeting but they're offering to send me the material via email. I think if you reach out and want to be involved or show an interest, people will respond to you and want to have you.

 

Glad to hear your counsellor is available for CBT online or via Zoom too. Now you have access to this resource right there in your home.

 

It's not the end of the world. Think of this as the beginning of a new chapter, one that maybe you're able to write a little better knowing what you know now.

Link to comment

Not specifically any particular program. Meant finding a positive sobriety community that suits your tastes needs, rather than sinking further into isolation and self destruction. Not a debate about god, whatever.

 

Sadly people often do turn to drugs, alcohol, smoking, overeating etc. under times of stress. And Yes! everyone has had a hard time with corona it's not unique to anyone for any reason. Perhaps, IF you are ready, a healthy community will help to pull you through. Self destruction is self exacerbating meaning the more you drink ... the lower you get and the more you drink.

Actually I'm not a fan of twelve step programmes because I'm agnostic and I'm not really interested in largely talking about God and "the higher power" at every meeting.
Link to comment

I too am completely isolated. I am currently unemployed, live alone (except for my cat) and suffer from GAD and depression. I have extreme fear of contracting Covid and am afraid to be around people. I am attending virtual therapy and recently began taking medication. And I used to gallivant all over the place, traveling alone, going to restaurants alone and with friends and attending fun events. So I do understand the feelings of extreme isolation and loneliness.

 

However...I do not believe you love that man. You latched onto him as a solution to your loneliness and romanticized it so you could feel better about what you were doing. You knew deep down inside you were hurting yourself more rather than actually doing something that would make you feel better, so you justified it by calling it "love". Same with the drinking; you know it's awful for you but you tell yourself it will make you feel better.

 

I am more concerned with the reasons behind the self-destructive behaviors than I am about the behaviors themselves.

 

I haven't started drinking (can't because of the medication and my various medical conditions) and I haven't attempted to date or find a casual sex partner because I know those things will not make anything better. I have chosen to attend virtual therapy and try to keep myself busy every day doing something. I haven't been particularly productive but I do things to stay busy and make the days go by. I am fortunate to be moving in with family in just under two weeks because I believe the isolation is making things so much more worse for me.

 

Do you have family you can perhaps move in with or at least spend time with? How about friends? Can you communicate with friends who are involved in healthy things? Can you "attend" online exercise classes? Go for walks, learn to knit or do origami?

 

And yes, treatment for the drinking is vital. You can do some serious damage if you don't stop the drinking. I'm fairly certain you don't want that to happen.

 

And I'm sorry. This pandemic is taking such a horrible toll. I understand the fear and the isolated feelings and the anxiety and depression. They're awful. But please get some help so you don't self-destruct.

Link to comment

I wish you the best and wanted to echo that you should get outside help for your drinking issues - don't try this on your own, in this situation. If it helps at all, all I ever wanted was marriage and kids. I reconnected with my husband right before my 39th birthday, we got back together (engaged in the past) right after. Started trying to conceive a few months before I turned 41, and got married and had our son when we were 42. It's not too late. If you can, freeze your eggs- wasn't an option for me when I was your age. A number of my friends met their spouses and started families after 35 and 40. My friend married her salsa dancing instructor -10 years her junior -when she was 40 - they had twins four years later.

Link to comment
Thank you for the support. Yes I think I definitely need to try my very best to get off the alcohol because it's causing stomach problems as well. I think the problem is every time I feel sad or negative emotions, I want to mask them with alcohol. But I probably just need to feel them and sit with my feelings as they are. Not all feelings are good and I know alcohol is not the answer. I think definitely isolation has made me turn to it more.

 

This, just not probably but definitely. Yes, you need to learn to feel the sadness and sit through that, but also take it to the next steps. So feel it, sit with it, but then learn to process that and let go, move forward. Reason being that running away doesn't actually get you away from those feelings, thoughts, things - just puts it on a temporary hold, but then it all comes back and you still are where you were. So running away, trying to drown it in alcohol doesn't actually work.

 

The quarantine stuff is actually a great time to face yourself, to learn to deal, to process, to learn how to let go of negative thoughts, past, experiences.

 

Whether you realize it or not, you are actually doing it. Just look at this guy situation. You learned something very important about yourself - that poly is not for you after all. You also learned what you do want, what kind of a life, what kind of a relationship. You know what else? Once you realized all this about yourself you had the power to let him go because you know that carrying on is not good for you. That's tremendous personal growth on your end and personal power. Nothing to drown in alcohol, but a lot to celebrate and also process some more. Once you realize who you aren't and also who you are and what you want, you can now have a road map for your life, your future in terms of what kind of people you want to find and surround yourself with, what kind of a partner would suit you best, etc. You have a lot of personal strength and a whole lot of life ahead of you - just open your eyes and look.

Link to comment
I am so sorry you are feeling this alone tinydance. I can’t imagine being totally alone. :( . Are there online AA meetings ?

 

Yes fortunately there are online addiction support meetings. Yesterday I did a Zoom SMART recovery meeting and I found it very helpful. There are many meetings on every day at different times, so it's very convenient. The people in the meeting were also supportive and gave good suggestions. I think I'll continue attending. I'm also now using a quit drinking phone app which is quite good.

Link to comment
Meetup.com is really lovely. I found a brunch and dinner club there and have been meeting ever since for some weeks now. From there you'll meet other people because there are other get together or parties on the side. I also met the same people crossing over at different meet ups. You may be surprised to find some real kindred spirits at these things. I can't make it all the time but it's a great thing to look forward to at the end of a long week or if something stressful is going on. Stay away from the awkward meet ups that are pseudo dating arenas but appearing to be classy about it. I think it's so much more enjoyable to meet others without that pressure and to just go for the food or the company.

 

Zoom is great for more formal or other events. I meet with some friends that way too and have group meetings with my church community over Zoom. A good facilitator or leader goes a long way. This week I'm also joining a faith-related community (non-denominational) for an 11 week course meeting each week online. I can't make the first meeting but they're offering to send me the material via email. I think if you reach out and want to be involved or show an interest, people will respond to you and want to have you.

 

Glad to hear your counsellor is available for CBT online or via Zoom too. Now you have access to this resource right there in your home.

 

It's not the end of the world. Think of this as the beginning of a new chapter, one that maybe you're able to write a little better knowing what you know now.

 

Yes I am a fan of Meetup.com also. In fact I met my best friend of ten years through Meetup! I mean I would like to find a romantic relationship but of course just enjoying fun activities and making friends is also really nice. I have been doing some events on Zoom but just not a lot. But I have done some mingling ones. I'm really looking forward to when things get a bit more back to normal and I can start attending some events again.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...