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Thread: Wife in affair and wants divorce

  1. #1
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    Wife in affair and wants divorce

    I am in the middle of a divorce (that my wife wanted). At first everything was my fault and I started to believe some of it until I found out there was someone else involved with her. At first she denied it and said they were just “good friends” and then I had proof of all the texting going on between the two and she couldn’t deny it anymore. She still said “he’s not the reason I’m leaving” “don’t tell anyone about this”. Typical cheater stuff. We’ve been together 11 years, married for 5. Both of us are 30 years old and we’ve known each other since elementary school. She had only known this guy for about 3 months before she moved out. (Yes never met him before in her life). I got the “I’ve been unhappy for awhile, he understands me, I’ve never felt this way before and the I love you but not in love with you”. I’m not perfect by any means but I didn’t do anything for a divorce. All of our family (mine and hers) are on my side other than her sister in law who she’s living with now and who’s a big part of the problem. I exposed her affair and now she’s mad at me of course but still denies that’s why she’s leaving. BTW she’s already thinking marriage with this guy. Anyway my question is, how often will affairs last typically? Anyone had an affair before and been through something similar and realized it wasn’t what they thought?

    Thanks

  2. #2
    Bronze Member maritalbliss86's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry you're going through this. Marriage doesn't have to be that way at all, we've been married 13.5 years and it still feels insanely passionate and loving and all our life ups and downs have only served to bond us closer.

    Most of the time when a wife wants a divorce so suddenly, it's because there's someone else. I think you must let her go, it doesn't sound like you have any kids so that's great because it will be a lot easier overall.

    If I were you, I'd go the scorched earth route, and get out as quick as possible and let her destroy herself with this guy (who probably doesn't really love her).

    It is possible they could work out and have a good marriage, but statistically it's more likely not to. Either way, you should cut her loose and NEVER ever look back. Try to adopt the attitude that you dont' even care if she's married to him.

    Move on, you'll have so manyyounger women who may love you and never treat you like this (in a few years time).

  3. #3
    Bronze Member maritalbliss86's Avatar
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    There are books on affairs if you're really that interested. I think a great one is "His Needs Her Needs," or How to Affair Proof Your Marriage. It goes into detail about how people fall into affairs, how it's like a fantasy environment that creates a really deep love feeling and moves much faster than normal, but then can be a huge let down.

    It also warns that the passion in an affair is so intense that sometimes the cheater will have passionate feelings for their lover for years and years after the affair (assuming they try to stay and fix their marriage).

    I wouldn't try to fix this, it's clear she doesn't want to right now and you don't even have kids.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by maritalbliss86
    There are books on affairs if you're really that interested. I think a great one is "His Needs Her Needs," or How to Affair Proof Your Marriage. It goes into detail about how people fall into affairs, how it's like a fantasy environment that creates a really deep love feeling and moves much faster than normal, but then can be a huge let down.

    It also warns that the passion in an affair is so intense that sometimes the cheater will have passionate feelings for their lover for years and years after the affair (assuming they try to stay and fix their marriage).

    I wouldn't try to fix this, it's clear she doesn't want to right now and you don't even have kids.
    I’m all in for the divorce right now. I tried in the beginning but it wasn’t working. She has only been out of the house about 7 weeks. Our first hearing is the end of this month.

    I just don’t understand how you can throw something away we’ve had for so long for someone you just met less than 3 months ago

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I know a woman who had an affair with a guy she worked with and she and he were both married to others. They left their spouses and eventually married and 20 yrs later, or more, are still married. So these things can work out. Other times affairs last a really short time once the novelty wears off.

    Proceed with your divorce and move on with your life.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    I know a woman who had an affair with a guy she worked with and she and he were both married to others. They left their spouses and eventually married and 20 yrs later, or more, are still married. So these things can work out. Other times affairs last a really short time once the novelty wears off.

    Proceed with your divorce and move on with your life.
    Oh really. This guy is heavy into Star Wars and she’s never liked that in her life. She used to make fun of Star Wars geeks and would refuse to watch anything Star Wars. Now she’s all about it

  8. #7
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    The real problem isn't this other guy in particular.

    It's that your wife was apparently so emotionally detached from you that she had space for someone else in her heart and mind. She was probably being honest that she hasn't been happy in the marriage for a while, even if she never told you and even if you didn't do something wrong. The way she handled it was awful. But the fact that she's done this at all tells me she's been checked out of the marriage for some time.

    At a guess? She was 19 when you got together and likely has little other experience besides you. For some folks that's not an issue, but for many others, it becomes a problem when they realize they've changed a lot and no longer want the same things as they did when they were so young. This is why many relationships that start as teens don't survive the transition into adulthood.

    Again, I stress that she handled it all very badly and very selfishly. However, I think that regardless of whether or not her new relationship lasts, your marriage is over. She left the building long before now.

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    This guy isn’t the reason she is leaving you. He is merely a catalyst.

    “I’m not perfect by any means but I didn’t do anything for a divorce”

    If your relationship was ideal , mostly happy , she would not have had an affair.
    I’m not suggesting it’s your fault that she did , but I’m guessing you were aware that she was not fulfilled in the marriage well before she had an affair.
    For you to say you didn’t do anything divorce worthy is likely you not understanding that little things escalate.
    You might think it’s no big deal if you come home a bit late for example but she does.
    Perhaps little arguments about house keeping etc.
    You yourself say you weren’t perfect , I doubt she expected perfection, but were there niggly little things that you ignored , without realising they were not so insignificant in her mind?

    Did you try to make the marriage work on a daily basis?

    I feel like she was unheard or dismissed somewhat by you?

    But now that she has had an affair , her past feelings are again being dismissed.

    You were together 11 years.
    Perhaps it was taken for granted that the relationship would last without further effort?

    I’m not condoning her having an affair , that was wrong.
    But had she tried to save the marriage prior?

  10. #9
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    Wife in affair and wants divorce

    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    The real problem isn't this other guy in particular.

    It's that your wife was apparently so emotionally detached from you that she had space for someone else in her heart and mind. She was probably being honest that she hasn't been happy in the marriage for a while, even if she never told you and even if you didn't do something wrong. The way she handled it was awful. But the fact that she's done this at all tells me she's been checked out of the marriage for some time.

    At a guess? She was 19 when you got together and likely has little other experience besides you. For some folks that's not an issue, but for many others, it becomes a problem when they realize they've changed a lot and no longer want the same things as they did when they were so young. This is why many relationships that start as teens don't survive the transition into adulthood.

    Again, I stress that she handled it all very badly and very selfishly. However, I think that regardless of whether or not her new relationship lasts, your marriage is over. She left the building long before now.
    So we were going to go to Vegas for our 5th year anniversary in May and she wanted to renew our wedding vows then. Also in July she was telling her fiends that we were going to try and start having a kid within the next year. She had dated a few ppl before we actually got together, I wasn’t her only one. So if she has truly been unhappy why would she have wanted to do all that stuff?

    Why did she take our wedding photos in the house, her wedding dress and our wedding album?
    Last edited by nhraracer90; 11-07-2020 at 05:00 AM.

  11. #10
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    Wife in affair and wants divorce

    Originally Posted by Billie28
    This guy isn’t the reason she is leaving you. He is merely a catalyst.

    “I’m not perfect by any means but I didn’t do anything for a divorce”

    If your relationship was ideal , mostly happy , she would not have had an affair.
    I’m not suggesting it’s your fault that she did , but I’m guessing you were aware that she was not fulfilled in the marriage well before she had an affair.
    For you to say you didn’t do anything divorce worthy is likely you not understanding that little things escalate.
    You might think it’s no big deal if you come home a bit late for example but she does.
    Perhaps little arguments about house keeping etc.
    You yourself say you weren’t perfect , I doubt she expected perfection, but were there niggly little things that you ignored , without realising they were not so insignificant in her mind?

    Did you try to make the marriage work on a daily basis?

    I feel like she was unheard or dismissed somewhat by you?

    But now that she has had an affair , her past feelings are again being dismissed.

    You were together 11 years.
    Perhaps it was taken for granted that the relationship would last without further effort?

    I’m not condoning her having an affair , that was wrong.
    But had she tried to save the marriage prior?
    Me and her never had any “yelling” arguments, just some disagreements here and there. No she never told me she was unhappy or how she felt, if she did I would have tried to work on it. She wanted to renew our vows earlier this year on our 5th anniversary and she was telling ppl that we were going to try and have a kid soon. Why would you do and say that if you were unhappy? She brought these concerns to my attention and then 1 1/2 weeks later she was “done”. I had no time to even try.

    And the fact she didn’t want anyone to know about him either. She didn’t want me to tell anyone.

    Now she’s just flat out lying to ppl and making up stuff about me to justify herself. Making me look bad when in reality it’s her.

    Her parents are mad at her and they aren’t talking. She’s mad at them because they aren’t on her side as well as everyone else.

    When she moved out, she took all of our wedding photos in the house, her wedding dress and our wedding album. Why?
    Last edited by nhraracer90; 11-07-2020 at 04:59 AM.

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