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Thread: Should I put up of with it?

  1. #1
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    Should I put up of with it?

    Hello everyone. Excuse my spelling mistakes English is my second language because I live in Europe and was born here.

    I need to ask everyone is it me that is overreacting and crazy or is my husband shady?

    My husband and I have been married for 11 months now.
    I just had a two month old premature son born at week 32. I had an emergency c-section due to my sevre pre-eclampsia.
    I was in a very critical medical condition and the doctor told me if I had not undergone that emergency c-section neither the baby or I would have survived.

    After I had the baby I was still sick and still had to take care of the baby while being sick. The baby was in a bad condition also.

    Lately my husband and I have been at each others throat I think taking care of this baby has taken a toll on both of us especially me because I'm at home all the time with the baby.
    I feel also that my husband is not very understanding of my situation. I haven't slept as a normal person since I had the baby because I have to feed him every two hours and I can't catch up on my sleep even during the day. I dont have enough breast milk so feeding him with the formula is twice as hard.
    When I tell my husband about what I go through like: I didn't sleep at all last night or omg I just had to change him again he responds by telling me :"don't complain". He's like "I have a cousin that had triplets and I never heard her complain" comments like this make me feel like he doesn't understand me.

    To top all of this off, I just found out my mom has breast cancer and I feel he doesn't understand the emotional pain I am in!

    We are both doctors, I am at maternity leave and my husband works a lot so I'm alone with the baby most of the time.
    He has 24hour shifts very often.

    I'LL GET TO THE POINT.

    Since my husband and I have had some issues in the passt, I sometimes check his phone especially when he acts like an ass like he lately is acting.

    So I checked his messages yesterday and find a message from a nurse we have had issues about in the past. They were working together during the 24h night shift and she texted him "meet me by the pulmology bulding for coffee" and he responds "ok, I'm on my way" so they had coffee in the near coffee shop during their break.

    The reason why this bothers me is because he knows this nurse had a thing for him and even the other nurses told him that she did. He even told me that she did. So I told him that he shouldn't spent any more time than he HAS TO with her given the situation.

    Now he tells me this is the first time in a very long time that he has had coffee with her during the coffee break. She's just a work colleague. She doesn't like him anymore. He works a lot and he has to have coffee with someone because the time doesn't pass....bla bla bla. I even have a previous post on this forum about her.

    I told him to get out of the appartment and go to his parents house so I have time to think what I am going to do next.
    I can't go anywhere with a two month old baby.
    I would go to my parents house but I don't want to risk my sick mother with the corona virus.

    I slept on the couch last night I will not sleep with him any longer.

    He won't leave. He tells me I am over reacting and I need to chill.

    He won't leave so I just go from one room to another trying to avoid him. He tries to make conversation asks me questions.
    We are just two zombies in an apartment.

    I don't cook for two people or make coffee for two people. So we are living apart while living together.

    He probably thought he would get away with it.

    So is he crazy or am I?
    Last edited by Loralora; 09-12-2020 at 05:12 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Very sorry to hear this. In the face of so much stress he seems to be acting rather dismissive of your situation. It's not only about this nurse, it's more that he is making light of things and using escapism rather than being supportive. You did the right things asking him to leave for a while, so you can think things through and take care of your newborn in peace, without the strife of arguments just compounding your stress. Hope everything works out for you.

  3. #3
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    He won't leave. He tells me I am overreacting and I need to chill.

    So I just go from one room to another trying to avoid him. He tries to make conversation asks me questions.
    We are just two zombies in an apartment.

    I don't cook for two people or make coffee for two people anymore. So we are living apart while living together.

    I always cooked for both of us even while I was pregnant and even worked at the same time. Now I don't do anything for him.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Both of you will either come together or come apart in times of difficulty. What other issues do you have between the both of you? I agree he's been dismissive and callous towards you. Do your disagreements often end like this where one person is asking the other to leave? These are very heavy words. Are you prepared to end the marriage?

    Are there any cultural differences? He seems a bit scatterbrained, lacking in empathy and not very with it for a doctor. What were the things you found endearing about him when you both first started dating?

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  6. #5
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    Well first of all, I completely understand you are upset but you shouldn't be looking at his phone. It's an invasion of his privacy. Would you like it if he was checking your phone? A person is entitled to their privacy. You need to have trust in a relationship and if you check his phone then there's no trust. If you want to know something then just ask him. You should talk to your husband openly and not just snoop in his phone.

    Having said that, it doesn't sound like your husband is being supportive to you emotionally. I imagine he's also exhausted because he works such long shifts and then the baby keeps him awake at home too. You have to remember he's not just doing nothing while you're at home with the baby. He's working a lot and he does need rest too. But he just needs to be more sympathetic to you and supportive. Especially because your Mum has breast cancer and that's an awful thing to go through.

    Regarding the nurse, hard to know what's going on there. He might be not interested in her and did just have a coffee because he needed to take a break. If she liked him a while ago then maybe she's over him. I mean she knows he's married with a baby so maybe she's not trying to pursue it. It would be stupid of her to pursue your husband because it won't lead to anything.

    I guess the question is are you actually going to break up with him over this? You're married and you have a baby so maybe you need to work on your marriage. It does take work and overcoming obstacles together.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I understand about you being tired, worn right out and exhausted. It's very tough for new moms and I sincerely empathize with you. Is there anyone at all who could help you for the time being and take the baby, even for a few hours so you could catch a nap? A sister, a friend, a trusted neighbor?
    The good news is, the baby will start having better sleeps at night in the up coming months and it WILL get easier.

    As for your husband, it's not so much about the nurse, but how he is reacting to your upset and what you're not comfortable with.
    He should be respecting the fact that you don't want him hanging out with this nurse. You have very valid reasons why and I think anyone woman would feel the same about her husband not being around a nurse who has already admitted to having feelings for him at one point.
    You are not crazy and the fact that he tells you to 'chill'...really is a jerk thing to say!

    He should be trying to understand, more concerned on making YOU feel comfortable and loved, after all, you're going through a tremendous amount of stress right now!
    For him to dismiss your feelings and to downplay them and not even try to be reasonable, is just terrible.
    No, Lora, you're not crazy one bit. Your husband is not taking care of you properly and not taking care of your emotional needs properly.

    His focus should be on you and the baby and not some idiot nurse at work.
    I honestly don't blame you one bit for feeling like you do.
    You're not wrong for feeling how you do.

    For the time being, you need support, ACTUAL support where someone helps you with the baby and will be there for you during this stressful time.
    I hope you have someone like that in your life.
    He is letting you down in many ways.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    First off congratulations on your new baby. I'm sorry you had and continue to have such a hard time of it.

    Have you talked to the doctor or nurses about your milk and the struggles?

    Do you think you're experiencing some post partium depression?

    Your English is very good. You explained yourself very well.

    I think avoiding the problem, mainly leaving the room and refusing to talk will not help anything and will make things worse.

    When you're having trouble, it's better to keep communicating, even if you need time to think... say so.. keep trying to understand each other. I don't like that you feel unsupported by your hubs. And that he told you to stop complaining.

    next time he tries to strike up conversation, maybe you could keep calm and let him know how you're feeling.

    So think of how you are really feeling.

    Do you want to end your marriage? Do you want him to just try to support you more? if yes, how? how can he support you? do you need help with the baby?

    you're going to have to decide for yourself how you feel about the nurse. And take one issue at a time. No one responds well to a pile on.

    What would make you happiest? help with the baby? or are you really reeling from the coffee with the nurse?

    What's really important to you? that you are assured the nurse is only a colleague? How can he help you feel better about it?

    People respond better to our needs when they understand what they are.

    Try not to snoop in his phone. That's just making things worse. If you look you will always find. The goal should be to not need to look because you are content in a loving, faithful relationship. Do you have c other reasons to think he is not trust worthy? that is different than coffee on a work break. you know?

    Good luck. I hope this helped.

  9. #8
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    Thank you for your responses everyone. The reason this nurse thing bothers me so much is because he knows he's not supposed to do it and that if I found out it would bother me and he still does it. It also bothers me that he does it at the hardest time of my life.

    Instead of being here for me and understanding what I'm going through he does what I hate the most.

    It also bothers me that he did it because he was sure I wouldn't find out. I haven't checked his phone is a while so he forgot I might do it again. It caught him off guard.

    I don't want him helping me more with the baby I just want him to be more appreciative of what I do with the baby and in general, and not tell me don't complain when I simply tell him a story that happend with the baby. Like " yesterday while I was changing him he completely peed allover". A "do not complain" response in this case is completely unasked for.

    He is being an ass in general for three weeks now and I'm tired of it. This nurse thing is all I needed for him to trigger me.

    There is no need for him to go out with this slu*ty nurse that completely still has feelings for him or she wouldn't invite him for coffee when there are a dozen other doctors and nurses she could call.

    Him agreeing to have a coffee with her just tells me that he probably wants to benefit something from her affection. Like have sex with her or something and hope I wouldn't find out; not be with her.

    We're not kids all three of us know her intentions are not pure. She's not responsible for our marriage he is.

    He told me this is the last time but I told him I don't trust you anymore because you said you wouldn't go out with her before too and you still did.

    He told me call her and ask her if you want to and I said no I don't need to do that because she would just lie to me. And if I called her I probably wouldn't be able to control myself I'll probably say harsh words and since I am a doctor too I sometimes have to go to their unit in the future and I don't want to put myself in that kind of position.

    Sometimes I am tempted to tell her "How about I find you a husband and then you'll maybe leave my husband alone".

    It fascinates me that he is ready to put our marriage at rist for this nurse. This isn't the first time we've had problems about her. We've had them while we were dating and also while we were engaged. And not for him to do it again while we're married is completely unacceptable. He should have takem care of this ptoblem by now. He should be the one to make her go away not me. He obviously doesn't want to make her go away or she would have gone away by now.

    And if I didn't snoop in his phone I would have never found out and he would have played me. I wishnI didn't have to snoop in his phone, but obviously I do.

    I sincerely do not trust him anymore, not that I had a lot of trust before this but now I completely lost every little ounce of trust I had left for him.
    Last edited by Loralora; 09-13-2020 at 08:47 AM.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sadly your obsession with the nurse thing is a distraction from all the real problems going on. Your mother has cancer, you had a c section premie, your marriage is rocky.

    As long as you perseverate on nonsense no one will hear the real heartache and pain

    It's bizarre that with all that is going on, you choose catty nonsense to focus on. At some level you realize that coffee with a nurse is not the same as your mother having cancer or having a c section premie at home but it's easier to get mad at silliness like that than deal with all the much more overwhelming stuff.

  11. #10
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It's bizarre that with all that is going on, you choose catty nonsense to focus on.
    He thought all of this would distract me and he can do whatever he wants behind my back

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