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Thread: Should I put up of with it?

  1. #71
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Whose rules are these? Yours? Culture's? Or are they things you two agreed on—as in, prior to getting married, was it understood that, once the rings were on the fingers, he "couldn't" continue to see his friends as he did?

    I ask these questions to try to talk about the difference between partnership (what I think you want) and warfare (what I think you have).

    I don't want to minimize any hurt he has caused, or any way he has stirred distrust in you over the course of your relationship. Not for a second. That said, I really don't think you're going to find what you want by putting things in such harsh terms as "can't" and "shouldn't," since that is policing: an aggressive approach that will trigger a defensive response. Nor do I think you're going to find peace making this a story of him needing to change, or else, since that just reinforces a bitter power dynamic, one where you get power by snapping the whip and he finds power in dodging the lashings, one where you each look into the mirror of the other and take comfort in seeing the worst version of yourself reflected back to you.

    Whether this is all a lost cause, or not, is a question that time will answer. In the meantime, I think you—you both—need to find a way to see this as a time where you both need to change, or evolve, together and alongside each other, in order to restore harmony where, right now, there is acrimony. Think of your relationship as a home, rather than a prison, one you both have a hand in building and dismantling every day. The ceiling is leaking, the foundation is rotted, and the electrical wiring is outdated, to the point where it only nominally provides shelter and security. These are facts, not judgements. These are things need to be addressed, not further stressed, and the only way that can be done is if both of you have even a shred of faith that, together, you have what it takes to renovate the home.

    Is he remotely open to seeing it like that? I don't know. But if you're not? Well, then it really doesn't matter what's in his head, his heart, since we humans are hardwired to find ways to confirm our most dominant beliefs—in ourselves, in others, in the world at large.
    No we didn't agree on him not seeing his friends as he did. We're having this friend issue eversince the baby came. And I would never tell him to stop seeing his friends but not 3 to 4 times a day. Not to overdue it or he can see them even 3 to 4 times (sometimes) a day as long as I don't need him at home. Or when everything is okay at home.

    As a new dad he should be around the house more he knows the baby is a handful and help me a little more. I haven't been able to see my friends even for an hour ever since I gave birth.

    Whenever I go out I have to come back quick. He even gets angry when I go out and I am late because he doesn't want to spent time at home when he can spet it with friends. He always makes sure I leave formula for the baby ready made when I get out and tells me to come back for the next feeding because he doesn't even know how to make it. I told him I'll show you but he wasn't interested.
    He's like "don't be late because I'm meeting an X friend for coffee in two hours." It's just frustrating he can't stay one day at home all day long !!
    Another interesting fact is that these friends of his are either single or divorced... of course they have time !

    He's like I work alot I need this going out friend relaxation. I guess staying with me and the baby isn't relaxing for him. Of course now it isn't but before this huge blow up we didn't fight amd he still went out alot.

    As I said before he works alot and is tired on top of that he goes out all day long and getts even more tired and then just jumps into bed...no quality time for him and I or intimate time hece our sexual life takes a toll...no wonder I'm jealous! It's disturbing and I'm getting a little tired of it also.

    I agree we both need to change. Thank you
    Last edited by Loralora; 09-16-2020 at 06:44 PM.

  2. #72
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I can't help but think after all of this that the reason it's heightened to this level (the negativity between the both of you) is because both of you may feel trapped in a traditional marriage with the idea that there's no way out. People don't enter marriages thinking they will divorce but it does inevitably happen if one or both partners is/are no longer willing to work on the marriage. The members on the thread are trying to help you see that your actions aren't going to bring the both of you closer together but neither is his behaviour.

    I don't think having coffee with the nurse, deflecting you and how upset you are or ignoring or avoiding you is indicative of someone who wants to be in the marriage any longer. Some part of you has to recognize that. It may take months or years before you're ready to leave. The end result doesn't change if he keeps feigning he's busy or makes excuses to see his friends. I'm not understanding either how he has time to go out with his friends after work but he doesn't have time to speak with you about your list. That's a clear sign someone is NOT busy and he's ignoring you.

    What he's doing is hoping you'll flip flop enough, rage to yourself, feel guilty in solitary confinement or by stonewalling you and expect you to come down from your anger only to come crawling back to him wanting to try to make things work again. This cycle can only go on for so long. If he's not respecting you at all, call a spade a spade when you're ready and don't put up with this type of behaviour or emotional abuse.
    I don't think we're staying because we're trapped in a traditional marriage. I met him at college our parents didn't know each other before we met, they met through us. We kept our relationship hidden from our parents for almost a year.

    He had time to talk about the list; he just didn't want to. He said I can do it and there's nothing more to talk about it.
    I asked him again today. Did you read the list carefully and he said yes. Can you fufill it he said yes. He doesn't want to say or talk more about it. So I guess I'll have to wait and see if anything changes from now on. I will try to change some of my bad habits also.

    He is trying to be more attentive I'll have to see...No I will not put up with old habits

    Thank you

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