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Thread: Should I put up of with it?

  1. #61
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    No one here can say that you were "wrong" to tell him not to have coffee with the nurse. What I'd ask is: Do you want to be someone—in a relationship, in your skin—who polices another adult? Does that bring pleasure or pain? Lift you up or bring you down? Do you want to trust to be an eternal test, or something built—and, when needed, repaired—together? When you look at the only person here that you have any control over—yourself—are you content in the habits you've developed as person, and partner, while living your life with and alongside this person? Is there anything you would like to do differently, along with all the things you'd like him to do differently?

    Giving yourself some time to mull over such questions, I think, may offer more peace than serving someone with a pointed list and seeing how they handle the spin on the ball.

    Being frank, the impression I get is that your distrust of him is a source of deep comfort, to such an extent that I'm not sure if trust has ever been a genuine component of your bond. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm assuming this is the same man you wrote about in 2017, when things were five months in, and when, following a car accident that happened to occur on his ex's birthday, you logged onto his Facebook account, read his messages, and then asked him after the accident if he was "over" his ex. That, to me, is what it looks like to build a foundation on contempt and distrust, rather than compassion and trust. Draw a line from then to now, and the limitations of such a foundation are apparent. It's simply too weak to contain two adults, and the ever-increasing responsibilities of adulthood.

    I'll highlight an item on your list to further explain: "Prove you want to spend more time with me because you enjoy to not because you have to." I'm sorry to say, but that is an ask that no human being can fulfill. It's a trap, an attack, something effective in a courtroom but not in a shared home. One, the moment someone is having to "prove" something is the moment that authenticity is gone. Two, how can someone show you they sincerely enjoy something, rather than doing something out of obligation, when you have made it obligatory? It's impossible, like demanding a child not only clean their plate after dinner, but that they enjoy it, and prove to you the level of joy.

    I don't say all that to make you feel bad, or to shift blame. Life is hard, relationships can be hard, and sometimes someone who seems so right can turn out to be anything but, or only right for a certain time. Your husband has been dismissive, disrespectful, no question about it. But at certain point you have to be honest about whether you remain open to the relationship, or not, and that is different—very, very different—from being open to still wanting to punish and control, to seek vengeance by engaging in the very behavior you find disturbing.

    The answer to all that might not come in the next hour, or next week, and that's okay. As it comes into focus, however, I'd suggest that you challenge yourself—for your own sense of being, for your own sense of self, if not for the relationship—to be less reactive and more patient. Wherever this goes, you will thank yourself later for that effort.
    No I don't want to be someone that polices him. I wish I won't have to any longer. I want to be able to trust him that will take years to rebuild. And no I am not content with the habits I have developed. There are many things I wish I would do differently. (Or better yet be allowed) to do differently.

    What I meant when I said "prove you want to spent more time because you enjoy" he can do that by not going so often out with his friends during his free time and staying with me more at home and while he stayes be happy and not angry because he'd rather be somewhere else.- that is what I meant when I said that.

    I will take your great advice and try to apply it. Thank you for such great advice

    There are still so many things that bother me that we haven't talked about but I need to pick a better time and way.

    I hope I won't kick myself in the future for giving it this one last shot.

  2. #62
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    One more thing..when I mentioned the sex part.

    It's not like I'm this woman that craves it. Honestly i can go months without it but I know he can't....so if he's not doing it with me ?

    It could be that he's too tired to do it with anybody..I don't know...
    Another thing we have to talk about..

  3. #63
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He just ignores it because you huff and bluff and repeat yourself, but make no changes.
    He didn't want to talk much about the list after he came home. He just said yes I can do that

  4. #64
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    He just ignores it because you huff and bluff and repeat yourself, but make no changes.
    I don't know if he ignored it or not time will tell. But if I see no changes from him I'm getting a divorce.

    What changes should I make according to you Wiseman?

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  6. #65
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stop being a martyr. Make him sleep on the couch. Stop making his dinner doing his housework, doing his shopping. He wouldn't have time for affairs and cafes and boy's night out if he had to do his own shopping, laundry, make dinner, etc.

    Stop focusing on silly stuff, stop acting like a jealous wife. Stop doing nonsense stuff like taking off your ring and pouting. Get realistic. Stop making excuses about covid if he brings this to you and your infant then claim you and your covid free infant can't stay with your covid free parents.

    So far he knows you are just posturing, and blowing empty threats. He has no reason to change, because You won't change.
    Originally Posted by Loralora
    I don't know if he ignored it or not time will tell. But if I see no changes from him I'm getting a divorce.

    What changes should I make according to you Wiseman?

  7. #66
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Stop being a martyr. Make him sleep on the couch. Stop making his dinner doing his housework, doing his shopping. He wouldn't have time for affairs and cafes and boy's night out if he had to do his own shopping, laundry, make dinner, etc.

    Stop focusing on silly stuff, stop acting like a jealous wife. Stop doing nonsense stuff like taking off your ring and pouting. Get realistic. Stop making excuses about covid if he brings this to you and your infant then claim you and your covid free infant can't stay with your covid free parents.

    So far he knows you are just posturing, and blowing empty threats. He has no reason to change, because You won't change.
    The couch sleeping era is over. I am sleeping on the bed again. I also put my wedding ring back on since I decided to try again I want to do it right.

    I don't know if you heard but European (Albanian more specificaly) men don't cook or do laundry. He does clean sometimes I can't take that away from him but very very rarely only when I am sick or something. When I was sick in the hospital he took his laundry to his mothers, he doesn't even know how to turn on the washing machine.

    I blame mothers they do everything for their sons and make only their daughters work around the house so they grow up expecting everything from their wifes just like they did from their mothers. It's a real thing. Whoever I would find here I would get the same deal.

    As for grocery shopping he always does that. Yesterday I just needed to get out of the house and bought some baby bottles and just some random stuff I didn't go out for grocery shopping.

    He does change and feed the baby sometimes; only when I'm busy doing something else.

    And no matter how busy he is (which is really busy) he ALWAYS finds time for his friends. He doesn't go out too late 9p.m is the latest and he's always home by 10 but still it shouldn't be that often. And he does it a few times a day. It's something he did before we were married and still hasn't realised that he can't do the same after getting married.

    I am in Maternity Leave. Here we have 1 year for maternity leave. I know in the US it's much shorter. So any chance I get to get out of the house I take because I'm not used to staying inside so much.

    I talked to my dad today...since the numer of covid cases here are now very low I can start going to my parents house more often and since my mom will be starting chemiotherapy I will have to be there and help her with everything.

    So you see I am limitted so if he won't change I guess I have no other choice but to get a divorce..

    There will be no more sleeping on the couch or taking off wedding rings this is it. If he won't change I'm just calling it quits.

    You said stop focusing on silly things and acting like a jealous wife...so you think me asking him to not have coffee on the coffee break with the nurse(who clearly has an agenda)is silly?

    Again she was just one of the many things that frustrate me. It's the feather that broke the camels back.
    Last edited by Loralora; 09-16-2020 at 01:18 PM.

  8. #67
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok, he won't change and you can't make him with continual empty threats and tantrums. You claim his culture/nationality forces him to leave you as the household slave so he can hang out with friends, and you won't divorce, so nothing will happen and to you both grow old and miserable together.
    Originally Posted by Loralora
    I don't know if you heard but European (Albanian more specificaly) men don't cook or do laundry.
    So you see I am limitted so if he won't change I guess I have no other choice but to get a divorce..

  9. #68
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Ok, he won't change and you can't make him with continual empty threats and tantrums. You claim his culture/nationality forces him to leave you as the household slave so he can hang out with friends, and you won't divorce, so nothing will happen and to you both grow old and miserable together.
    Yes I certanly CAN NOT make him change. If he doesn't want to change then no I will not be able to make him otherwise he would have changed by now. I'm giving him one last shot if he doesn't take it he will lose me.

    I hope he realises it in time. Things might go as far as me quiting and him realising he had to change only after we get a divorce.

    Hey I don't mind the house work if everything else was okay. I'm used to the housework that's how my family raised us too, my brothers never did anything around the house I did everything and I was a medical student just like they. So I had to work twice as hard for everything in life.

    Just like now. We are both doctors but I have much more extra work around the house than he does. I still have to work twice as hard. His exuse is I have two jobs. He does work in two places and I only work in one.

    My parents never forced me to work around the house but I felt bad leaving my mom do everything alone. It's a very normal thing in our culture.

    I will close this conversation by saying I promise myself things will change. I will change them.

    Thank you for all of your input.
    Good day.
    I hope the next new thread will be about a happier subject.

  10. #69
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Loralora
    And no matter how busy he is (which is really busy) he ALWAYS finds time for his friends. He doesn't go out too late 9p.m is the latest and he's always home by 10 but still it shouldn't be that often. And he does it a few times a day. It's something he did before we were married and still hasn't realised that he can't do the same after getting married.
    Whose rules are these? Yours? Culture's? Or are they things you two agreed on—as in, prior to getting married, was it understood that, once the rings were on the fingers, he "couldn't" continue to see his friends as he did?

    I ask these questions to try to talk about the difference between partnership (what I think you want) and warfare (what I think you have).

    I don't want to minimize any hurt he has caused, or any way he has stirred distrust in you over the course of your relationship. Not for a second. That said, I really don't think you're going to find what you want by putting things in such harsh terms as "can't" and "shouldn't," since that is policing: an aggressive approach that will trigger a defensive response. Nor do I think you're going to find peace making this a story of him needing to change, or else, since that just reinforces a bitter power dynamic, one where you get power by snapping the whip and he finds power in dodging the lashings, one where you each look into the mirror of the other and take comfort in seeing the worst version of yourself reflected back to you.

    Whether this is all a lost cause, or not, is a question that time will answer. In the meantime, I think you—you both—need to find a way to see this as a time where you both need to change, or evolve, together and alongside each other, in order to restore harmony where, right now, there is acrimony. Think of your relationship as a home, rather than a prison, one you both have a hand in building and dismantling every day. The ceiling is leaking, the foundation is rotted, and the electrical wiring is outdated, to the point where it only nominally provides shelter and security. These are facts, not judgements. These are things need to be addressed, not further stressed, and the only way that can be done is if both of you have even a shred of faith that, together, you have what it takes to renovate the home.

    Is he remotely open to seeing it like that? I don't know. But if you're not? Well, then it really doesn't matter what's in his head, his heart, since we humans are hardwired to find ways to confirm our most dominant beliefs—in ourselves, in others, in the world at large.

  11. #70
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I can't help but think after all of this that the reason it's heightened to this level (the negativity between the both of you) is because both of you may feel trapped in a traditional marriage with the idea that there's no way out. People don't enter marriages thinking they will divorce but it does inevitably happen if one or both partners is/are no longer willing to work on the marriage. The members on the thread are trying to help you see that your actions aren't going to bring the both of you closer together but neither is his behaviour.

    I don't think having coffee with the nurse, deflecting you and how upset you are or ignoring or avoiding you is indicative of someone who wants to be in the marriage any longer. Some part of you has to recognize that. It may take months or years before you're ready to leave. The end result doesn't change if he keeps feigning he's busy or makes excuses to see his friends. I'm not understanding either how he has time to go out with his friends after work but he doesn't have time to speak with you about your list. That's a clear sign someone is NOT busy and he's ignoring you.

    What he's doing is hoping you'll flip flop enough, rage to yourself, feel guilty in solitary confinement or by stonewalling you and expect you to come down from your anger only to come crawling back to him wanting to try to make things work again. This cycle can only go on for so long. If he's not respecting you at all, call a spade a spade when you're ready and don't put up with this type of behaviour or emotional abuse.

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