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Thread: Should I put up of with it?

  1. #51
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sounds like a war, not a marriage. You don't have time for therapists because you waste all your time on kindergarten revenge schemes and making lists.

    As expected he just respond to that silly list with "ok", probably while having coffee with the nurse and rolling his eyes.
    We'll talk about it today. He will be here in about an hour while I'm busy cooking, cleaning and taking care of our baby.

  2. #52
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    I can only endorse what you say Wiseman. A war, not a marriage.

    OP. The majority of the posters here have given you good sound advice.

    However, we can lead you to the water but we can't make you drink it. Such is your utter fear of "what will people say/think" that you will not take practical action, not matter how we say it.

    All this is so completely beside the point OP:

    "I told him: if you think your behaviour is okay and I'm wrong. He often says I'm to conservative.
    I told him if you can't change your ways and you think everything you do is okay then we are truly not compatible and you should find someone more liberal like yourself.

    The problem is (at least I think it is) that he thinks the same as I do and If I would do what he did it would bother him too."


    You can read his phone but you sure cannot read his mind OP. You have no idea whatsoever of what he THINKS!

    So, I'll conclude by simply saying: Do what you like

  3. #53
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Since your identity is being a martyr and masochist, not much will change.

    He'll come home listen to you complain,threaten, ply your fake ultimatums think to himself "ho hum here we go again", then just go back to how he is.
    Originally Posted by Loralora
    We'll talk about it today. He will be here in about an hour while I'm busy cooking, cleaning and taking care of our baby.

  4. #54
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Since your identity is being a martyr and masochist, not much will change.

    He'll come home listen to you complain,threaten, ply your fake ultimatums think to himself "ho hum here we go again", then just go back to how he is.
    Hey I didn't force him to stay. I specifically asked him to leave and let me think. He's the one who choose to stay so I don't care if that's what he thinks.

    If I decide to move on, I will not continue to nagg.

    This time I was very serious there weren't any "fake" ultimatums set. I asked him to leave he didn't. I asked him several times. I wanted to go to an appartment that my dad bought for me but one of his friends is staying there. I told him to tell his friend to free the apartment and be didn't do that either.
    I wanted to leave but there weren't options for me to go anywhere due to covid.
    A person doesn't just get a divorce before thinking about it or separating physically at first.

    By the way he called me and told me he's going out with friends and he'll be a little late. I never stopped him from going out with friends. He does this very often.

    And if he goes back to the way he was it's his loss he knows I won't put up with it again. It's truly his loss. I just cleaned the apparment changed, fed the baby, cooked a chicken with potatoes while still communicating with you guys. If he can't appreciate what I do then someone else will.

    The reason I wrote about this issue in this forum was to ask you all am I wrong about telling him to not have coffee with this nurse.

    And I am not a masochist !!!
    Last edited by Loralora; 09-15-2020 at 11:26 AM.

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  6. #55
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I know you're feeling down but I'm having trouble understanding why you texted him the list. It's hurtful also to be on the receiving end of something like that at work. As disrespectful as he has been towards you in your marriage, there should be some respect for each others' occupations. I think there's still too much of a mix with personal and professional. Don't send anymore texts or lists - it will drive you both further apart. He's avoiding you now and the levels of contempt are very high between the both of you. This will get harder and harder to repair or come back from.

    Don't do anything else anymore. This would be for yourself and your sense of peace. With all your duties as a mum and at work, it's probably hard for you too to absorb the magnitude of what's happening in your marriage and sometimes we don't realize it until it's too late. You mentioned giving it a last try previously but this is making things worse.

    Separation shouldn't be used as a tool to bring a marriage back together especially if the marriage doesn't have as much understanding between two parties. There are generally two types of separation. One that seeks to end the marriage with no intention to reconcile and second, one that acts as a trial separation where two parties equally and mutually agree to part ways but remain in contact, with the idea of staying committed to the marriage and living together again. If you both separate while things are as broken and heated as they are now, the chances for reconciliation later are slim. In other words, every action you take now will affect an outcome later. Making any moves right now might hurt you and your family more.

  7. #56
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    No one here can say that you were "wrong" to tell him not to have coffee with the nurse. What I'd ask is: Do you want to be someone—in a relationship, in your skin—who polices another adult? Does that bring pleasure or pain? Lift you up or bring you down? Do you want to trust to be an eternal test, or something built—and, when needed, repaired—together? When you look at the only person here that you have any control over—yourself—are you content in the habits you've developed as person, and partner, while living your life with and alongside this person? Is there anything you would like to do differently, along with all the things you'd like him to do differently?

    Giving yourself some time to mull over such questions, I think, may offer more peace than serving someone with a pointed list and seeing how they handle the spin on the ball.

    Being frank, the impression I get is that your distrust of him is a source of deep comfort, to such an extent that I'm not sure if trust has ever been a genuine component of your bond. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm assuming this is the same man you wrote about in 2017, when things were five months in, and when, following a car accident that happened to occur on his ex's birthday, you logged onto his Facebook account, read his messages, and then asked him after the accident if he was "over" his ex. That, to me, is what it looks like to build a foundation on contempt and distrust, rather than compassion and trust. Draw a line from then to now, and the limitations of such a foundation are apparent. It's simply too weak to contain two adults, and the ever-increasing responsibilities of adulthood.

    I'll highlight an item on your list to further explain: "Prove you want to spend more time with me because you enjoy to not because you have to." I'm sorry to say, but that is an ask that no human being can fulfill. It's a trap, an attack, something effective in a courtroom but not in a shared home. One, the moment someone is having to "prove" something is the moment that authenticity is gone. Two, how can someone show you they sincerely enjoy something, rather than doing something out of obligation, when you have made it obligatory? It's impossible, like demanding a child not only clean their plate after dinner, but that they enjoy it, and prove to you the level of joy.

    I don't say all that to make you feel bad, or to shift blame. Life is hard, relationships can be hard, and sometimes someone who seems so right can turn out to be anything but, or only right for a certain time. Your husband has been dismissive, disrespectful, no question about it. But at certain point you have to be honest about whether you remain open to the relationship, or not, and that is different—very, very different—from being open to still wanting to punish and control, to seek vengeance by engaging in the very behavior you find disturbing.

    The answer to all that might not come in the next hour, or next week, and that's okay. As it comes into focus, however, I'd suggest that you challenge yourself—for your own sense of being, for your own sense of self, if not for the relationship—to be less reactive and more patient. Wherever this goes, you will thank yourself later for that effort.

  8. #57
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I know you're feeling down but I'm having trouble understanding why you texted him the list. It's hurtful also to be on the receiving end of something like that at work. As disrespectful as he has been towards you in your marriage, there should be some respect for each others' occupations. I think there's still too much of a mix with personal and professional. Don't send anymore texts or lists - it will drive you both further apart. He's avoiding you now and the levels of contempt are very high between the both of you. This will get harder and harder to repair or come back from.

    Don't do anything else anymore. This would be for yourself and your sense of peace. With all your duties as a mum and at work, it's probably hard for you too to absorb the magnitude of what's happening in your marriage and sometimes we don't realize it until it's too late. You mentioned giving it a last try previously but this is making things worse.

    .
    It's very hard to pin him down in one place. That's why I sent it at work. I don't think he mines it's something we're used to doing.

    He didn't want to talk much about the list after he came home. He just said yes I can do that.
    I asked him do you have a list for me and he said no.

    So we had dinner, coffee (which I made) talked about only the baby and then I asked him if he can stay with the baby while I take a shower and go out and do some shopping and he said ok.

    Once I came back he again went out with another friend for like an hour (we live in the city center surrounded by coffee shopps and this is something people do here very often, especially my husband)

    To be honest sometimes it bothers me that he does it so often.
    He works a lot and then he spents most of his free time with his friends I told him it bothers me to not do it too much.

    He works a lot and then goes out with friends alot. So it's like he's not home as much as he should be. Sometimes he goes cycling with this one friend after having worked so hard and just comes home and sleeps this disturbes our sexual life too because he is so tired he can't even have sex. (Something I have mentionet before just quickly I don't know if he really knows how much its bothering me.)

    I'm waiting until things cool down so we can talk about our situation more...

    P.s: I do think counseling will help us but that's not what people do here, I'm not sure something like that even exists here.

  9. #58
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Crossing fingers for you, Lora. I hope you two can work it out!

    Also, congratulations on your son.

  10. #59
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    He doesn't talk much on general even when he's happy.
    So an "ok" was an expected response from him once I sent him the list.

    Even when things are well he responds very shortly.

    After he came back form going out with the friend he was like let's go to bed. I said I need to feed the baby first. So he waited and didn't go until I fed the baby I think he wanted to make sure I didn't end up sleeping on the couch.

    After I finished he was like ok lets go. I felt bad to tell him no I'm sleeping on the couch again. So I went in the bed room and I slept on the bed. He took that as a green light I think. So he hugged me and kissed me and went to sleep.

    I hope he doesn't think we don't need to talk about anything else. I need to bring the things that bother me up again but in a lighter way maybe not in a nagging one.

  11. #60
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Crossing fingers for you, Lora. I hope you two can work it out!

    Also, congratulations on your son.
    Thank you !

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