Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 5 of 8 FirstFirst ... 2345678 LastLast
Results 41 to 50 of 72

Thread: Should I put up of with it?

  1. #41
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Posts
    423
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Reading this back to yourself how does this sound, OP?
    Not good. It was my one of my lowest moments. I'm not that sorry though because he's taken this nurse thing too far in a weak moment of my life he should of been more supportive and here for me not having coffee with forbiden nurses.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    2,518
    Gender
    Female
    You made me smile Lora.

    "forbidden nurses"

    And yet the more forbidden something is the more fascinating it becomes.

    I agree that your husband should be more supportive and there for you, but I fear that your methods (much as Wiseman pointed out) are not going to work.

    I also think that lists and threats aren't going to work. Marriages don't operate like that. Where the foundation was shaky to begin with the outlook is generally not good.

    So, as I mentioned before, it is time to look at the practicalities, to write out a plan (writing stuff down helps a lot as it clears the mind), and no more sniping.

    He can say "yes" to everything you ask or insist upon, but IMO he will continue as he has always done.

    Lambert asked a shrewd question a few days back:

    "Do you have other reasons to think he is not trust worthy? that is different than coffee on a work break. you know?"

    Remember this Lora?

    "my mom and dad don't get along at all and eventhough they don't get along AT ALL they still stay together. I've told them they should just get a divorce but they never go there. They probably want to but do to cultural reasons and gossip they don't.."

    So what advice would you give yourself?
    Last edited by LaHermes; 09-15-2020 at 08:17 AM.

  3. #43
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Posts
    423
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    You made me smile Lora.

    "forbidden nurses"

    And yet the more forbidden something is the more fascinating it becomes.

    I also think that lists and threats aren't going to work. Marriages don't operate like that. Where the foundation was shaky to begin with the outlook is generally not good.

    Lambert asked a shrewd question a few days back:

    "Do you have other reasons to think he is not trust worthy? that is different than coffee on a work break. you know?"
    Well if he is that facinated with her then he should continue but he will be stuck with her and lose me forever. If he is that stupid then he should continue.
    In the end I can't make him stop if he doesn't want to stop. He'll go his way and I'll go my way.

    The reason I threat and make lists is that there is no other way left, I tried saying it in a soft calm manner it didn't work.

    He has overlyfriended other female coallegues in the past, helped them more than he needed to. Like writing motivational letters for one. This is one other reason.

  4. #44
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Posts
    423
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Well focusing on this is like your house burning down and instead of responding and acting to address it, you worry about how much toilet paper you have. I mean if a patient comes in in cardiac arrest would you just stand there and worry about an ingrown toenail rather than initiate life support?

    This nurse jealousy thing is not the real stress of a dismissive partner and multiple other stressors. You seem more caught up in that he's "not allowed" to have coffee with her than the fact that your marriage is unhappy and hanging by a thread. Who knows, maybe it's easier to blame that/her for all the stress?

    Try to step back and care for yourself, your infant and your mother.
    Wise man gave medical excamples here. I understand that he is trying to tell me that I should focus on more imporant things going on in my life and not on this.

    But the problem is that what my husband did here is: Instead of focusing on a patient with a cardiac arrest he went and treated a soar throat while leaving the cardiac arrest patient to die (that being me).
    It doesn't just hurt me that he did it again; but he did it in the worst possible time. It shows me how unthoughful he was. And it makes me second guess some of his feelings towards me.

    If I saw someone I love hurting. I wouldn't think of going out with nurses I know that person hates. All I would think about is how to make the person I love feel better.
    Last edited by Loralora; 09-15-2020 at 08:33 AM.

  5.  

  6. #45
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Posts
    423
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I have to agree with this. I am married too, and I don't think that punishing your husband, or giving him the silent treatment, etc, is the right thing to do.
    All it does is cause resentment, more distance between you, more upset and will give him more reasons to behave badly.

    You should be talking to him, (not accusing mind you, not yelling, and not trying to place blame)...but talking like he's your friend, because that's a really important factor in marriage that lots lose sight of. This should be not only your love, but your friend. If things aren't going as you had hoped, talk to him, let him hear your thoughts, worries, feelings and hear his too with an open mind.
    If the same kinds of problems keep coming up. suggest marriage counselling and hopefully both of you will agree to go. It truly can do so much good.

    If he is willing to keep trying, then try to get on the same side. I know you're hurting Lora, and you have a right to be, but if he is willing to keep trying, then for your sake, your marriages sake and for your child's sake, see if you can work through this together.

    I remember the posts you had years back, there was a huge amount of love and passion between you two, and I believe it still exists.
    Your marriage deserves another try and for you both to start not just being husband and wife, but being friends again.
    You're both going through stress, but I know you both can give one another the love and support you both need and yearn for.
    I really do hope that you both try to turn things around for the better.
    Even friends fight sometimes.

    I will sincerely try it one last time. This time in a nicer and calmer way.

    If he is truly willing to keep trying, I will give him one last chance.

    Thank you everyone for your help. You all did help me.

  7. #46
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    2,518
    Gender
    Female
    Back in 2016 Reinvent responded to you with this:

    "Something I have learned the hard way -
    It's the very first thing that causes you to question a relationship - ends up being the very thing that ruins it in the end.
    It doesn't matter if it's 2 months or 2 years."


    You didn't trust him then either. And you don't trust him now.

    And as you just said:

    "He has overlyfriended other female coallegues in the past, helped them more than he needed to. Like writing motivational letters for one. This is one other reason."

    This lack of trust has been an ongoing theme over these past few years.

    Look, even if it ceases being the "forbidden nurses" it will be someone else.

    He is an adult, Lora. Not a schoolboy of ten to whom you can say: "If you keep trying to be a good boy I'll give you another chance."

  8. #47
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Posts
    423
    Gender
    Female
    [/QUOTE]Remember this Lora?

    "my mom and dad don't get along at all and eventhough they don't get along AT ALL they still stay together. I've told them they should just get a divorce but they never go there. They probably want to but do to cultural reasons and gossip they don't.."

    So what advice would you give yourself?[/QUOTE]


    Trust me this wouldn't stop me. Especially since I grew up seeing their toxic relationship.

    I still think we can fix it. My mom's and dad's situation is completely different they fight like all the time for 30 years.

    My husband and I don't fight all the time months go by when things are good that we don't fight. If it ever came as close as to our marriage being like my parent's I would not think for one second and get a divorce. It isn't near the same. They are so used to fighting that now it has become the Norm. We are surprised when we see them get along.

    We have been fighting only since the baby came and not all the time.

    I will never let it get to that level. Also their generation was different ours is different. I have plenty of divorced friends now. Things are starting to change.

    We'll see how things go.
    He should consider himself lucky I'm willing to give it one more chance.
    Last edited by Loralora; 09-15-2020 at 08:52 AM.

  9. #48
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    2,518
    Gender
    Female
    So, so so many chances, Lora.

    It isn't about the "fighting". A quarrel is just that, a quarrel. This is not the issue here. It is the total lack of trust since the outset from way back when you first met him. "forbidden women" then, "forbidden women" now. Another chance?
    So what will you do? Patrol the corridors of the hospital to make sure he isn't still hanging around with these nurses/cleaning staff/admins/ etc.?

    A poster responded this to you in 2018:

    "Then you've already made up your mind to go ahead with your marriage.

    Can I ask you a question? Why did you start this topic? If you were only going to do what you wanted anyway, why did you allow all of us to take time out of our busy lives to provide you with all this advice? I'm sorry, but I don't appreciate this.

    You have an answer for every post. People have spent a lot of energy giving you advice, and you've rejected every single thought.

    Marry him. Live a lifetime of checking his phone, of jumping every time the phone rings. of being called "psycho" and worse."


    He doesn't respect you, OP, never did.

  10. #49
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Posts
    423
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    So, so so many chances, Lora.

    It isn't about the "fighting". A quarrel is just that, a quarrel. This is not the issue here. It is the total lack of trust since the outset from way back when you first met him. "forbidden women" then, "forbidden women" now. Another chance?
    So what will you do? Patrol the corridors of the hospital to make sure he isn't still hanging around with these nurses/cleaning staff/admins/ etc.?

    A poster responded this to you in 2018:

    "Then you've already made up your mind to go ahead with your marriage.

    Can I ask you a question? Why did you start this topic? If you were only going to do what you wanted anyway, why did you allow all of us to take time out of our busy lives to provide you with all this advice? I'm sorry, but I don't appreciate this.

    You have an answer for every post. People have spent a lot of energy giving you advice, and you've rejected every single thought.

    Marry him. Live a lifetime of checking his phone, of jumping every time the phone rings. of being called "psycho" and worse."


    He doesn't respect you, OP, never did.
    Eversince those things happend years passed and we didn't have the same problem unitl now.

    That is the reason I stayed and hopped.

    No I will not do any patroling (that's crazy). Maybe phone checking yes until I regain trust.

    I told him I should be able to look at your phone and not find anything shady.
    I told him you can look at mine anytime you want to.

    People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

    If any repeated behaviour catches my attention then we are done. He knows..it's up to him.

    If everyone focused only on the problems no couple would stay married.

    It was never that big of an incident/reason as to push me to a split or divorce. But repeated little incidents make you tired and that is where I am at right now.

    If he continues to do so with nurses or other women then he truly does not respect me. I always thought he did.

    I'm in no hurry to get e divorce. You can always get a divorce that is the easiest thing to do. Making things work again that is the hardest(if it's possible). But this trying to make things work has a limit and I am growing very impatient.

    It would have been easier to leave when we were dating but I always hopped and trusted that things will get better. Now it's much harder but not unduable. I just don't want to rush it; so I don't have any regrets in the future.

    I told him: if you think your behaviour is okay and I'm wrong. He often says I'm to conservative.
    I told him if you can't change your ways and you think everything you do is okay then we are truly not compatible and you should find someone more liberal like yourself.

    The problem is (at least I think it is) that he thinks the same as I do and If I would do what he did it would bother him too.
    Last edited by Loralora; 09-15-2020 at 09:27 AM.

  11. #50
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    40,637
    Gender
    Male
    Sounds like a war, not a marriage. You don't have time for therapists because you waste all your time on kindergarten revenge schemes and making lists.

    As expected he just respond to that silly list with "ok", probably while having coffee with the nurse and rolling his eyes.

Page 5 of 8 FirstFirst ... 2345678 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •