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Thread: A good deed, is it genuine or used to score points??

  1. #1
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    A good deed, is it genuine or used to score points??

    Hi

    To help me heal and grow from a recent break up. I'm currently attempting to understand signs for future reference. Just have one question. What does it mean when somebody/partner does a genuine good deed for you, but later uses that good deed against you in an argument?

    Its like their throwing the good deed they've done back in my face?

    Thanks in advance.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you broke up you shouldn't be talking. What was this favor she did?

    Basically it means you two are arguing about anything and everything and any interaction is riddled with resentment, contempt, a who's right/who's wrong attitude and a general one-up stand off and war.

    Just stop the madness and end it.
    Originally Posted by DannyM87
    What does it mean when somebody/partner does a genuine good deed for you, but later uses that good deed against you in an argument?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Why are you even talking to this person? You are broken up for whatever reasons. I think he does this just to irritate you.

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Depends.
    I don't think there's much value in trying figure that out if it was an isolated incident.

    If someone makes a habit of doing nice things, keeping score and using it against you then that's a problem.

    But I think most people have done it at least once in our lives. Not the most attractive thing to do, but it just makes us human.
    Breakups bring out the worst in us sometimes. We say things out of hurt. That's all.

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    Thank god you broke up with her. So much drama in such a short time.

    Are you still communicating?

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    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    What does it mean? Hopefully it means you've decided someone who does this has no place in your life.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    That person may be upset with you for valid or invalid reasons. Without any context or history I don't think anyone can really say that it's manipulative behaviour. The thing to do is just hang back or take a step back and see how your presence or your actions/words might be contributing to the situation and just refuse to be a part of it if it's that upsetting/unhealthy/unfair to you.

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    Was it one time or a repeated pattern of behavior? In the heat of the moment it's easy to grab onto anything you can and throw it back at the person, lashing out in anger and using it as a weapon to hurt them. It's not right, but it's human. If the person is genuinely sorry afterwards and tries to make up for it, working on the anger and doing their best to not have it happen again, that's one thing. But if it keeps happening then it's a sign of emotional issues that need to be addressed. Even if you are at fault for something yourself, that kind of reaction is not the right way to handle things.

    Look at the whole picture of what the disagreement was about and how each of you responded. Was it based on the passion felt in that moment? Was it intentionally to harm the other? Was it in reasonable proportion to what the fight was about? And did you work though things rationally when you calmed down? The best way to handle a fight is to keep calm, take time apart if you need it, and then come together to have an honest, mature discussion.

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    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DannyM87
    What does it mean when somebody/partner does a genuine good deed for you, but later uses that good deed against you in an argument?

    Its like their throwing the good deed they've done back in my face?

    Thanks in advance.
    Hard to say without more context. It could be to 'score points,' but it could also simply be to make a point.

    For example, if I say something like, "I always pick you up from the airport. Why can't you be available pick me up from the airport when I need you to?" I'm not trying to score points. I'm trying to get you to see how something is potentially unfair.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    A person like that is tricky, shady and complex. It's best to steer clear of those types and run for the hills.

    I've known a sociopath. They're a sneaky lot. Sociopaths will do good deeds under the guise of their hospitality or generosity 'spell' only to expect something in return such as their need to use you, benefit from you, make you feel beholden or obligatory. By the time you discover their scheming ways, sometimes it's too late and you're entrapped in their tangled web of deceit. It is wicked, very nasty, very ugly manipulation.

    Should you out a sociopath, they fear being discovered because they wish to continue manipulating people unbeknownst to their victims. (Sociopaths blend well in society and appear normal but they are mentally ill.) In retaliation, they will threaten you and many times, make good on their threat. Be especially careful in this Information Age. Everything can be copied, forwarded, saved and used against you if they take legal action against you. Beware. Never let your guard down.

    Sociopaths feign innocence. They say, "See what I've done for you? Aren't I a great person? Look at my track record! I've spent money on you, wined and dined you, bought you gifts, gave my time and labor to you, did you favors and NOW YOU OWE ME." Often times they won't outright tell you that you owe them. They'll make you feel indebted towards them instead which is worse. (I come from the school of hard knocks.)

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