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I messed up and need help fast


Jclick23

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My boyfriend dumped me last night, and we still live together. I still want to be with him, and he knows this. We had sex after breaking up last night, and slept in the same bed together. He doesn’t try to shove me away when I touch him, but he is still saying he’s done. Is there any way to get him back?

 

Here is the background on us. We’ve broken up once already. We were together for 3 1/2 years, and the main reason we broke up was that he decided he didn’t want more kids. He had 2 already from a previous relationship, and he’s 10 years older and felt like that chapter was closed for him. I moved out and got my own place for about 7 months, and we saw each other on and off during that time, though we remained broken up. I started to date someone after about 6 months in, realizing I needed to try and move on. My ex has never had social media, but I believe he googled me or made a burner account and was checking up on me the whole time we were broken up. He saw the new guy I had been dating for 2 weeks in some photos from a New Years party. From there, he begged me back. He said he had a revelation, and saw the ghost of his dead father who showed him everything so clearly. He said he knew he wanted to get married and have a baby with me. I fell for it. We moved into the new house he had been building for us about 4 months ago, and everything took a turn for the worse. He has been complaining that I’m not affectionate enough, I don’t stroke his ego enough, and I’m not as submissive as he would like. It escalated to the point that he was yelling and screaming every night about it.. I wouldn’t engage while he was doing it very much. I had intentions to change and be more affectionate, but it was very difficult with him instigating fights every night- it was not allowing me a chance to prove him wrong. Last night he finally snapped and just dumped me.

Is there anything I can do at this point to show him I’ve changed? Why does he allow me to touch him and cuddle him, but still keep saying he’s done? Am I too late?

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Does he still want a child?

 

Honestly, I think that he got back with you, because you were with someone else.

 

This situation sounds awful! He wants you to be "submissive" and is starting nightly fights. this guy has been trying to end this for some time, but now is throwing this back on you. Your relationship sounds very toxic. I would take the break as a blessing and move on. He treats you like garbage, why would you want more of that?

 

Stop sleeping with him and move out!

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I really do love him unconditionally, and know that I don’t want to go through with breaking up again. He doesn’t always treat me like this... the only time he does this is when we are about to break up.

When he says submissive, he means he wants me to come to him and show him affection... for example, come to the door and hug and kiss him when he gets home. I’m very bad about this stuff.. I think it’s because I grew up in a family where we didn’t really hug or anything. It’s just something that doesn’t come naturally to me. It is something I definitely need to work on, regardless of whether or not this works out.

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You should never love a partner unconditionally. If he cheated on you, gave you an STD or attempted to kill you, you would still love him unconditionally. You only love a child unconditionally.

 

He fights with you nightly. You are holding on to the few good times to hang on. Oh girl, where is your self worth.

 

My mother grew up in the same environment was not affectionate with my dad . My father never raised his voice to her. Never. Stop making excuses.

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Can I ask how old you both are? Might help for some context.

 

I understand you're in an emotionally potent moment right now, and that your initial reaction is to do anything and everything possible to stop the hurt by getting back together. But I'd really encourage you to take a few very deep breaths and try to ask if that's really the best road here, for you, your longterm happiness, the needs you want met by the experience of living and loving.

 

Because what you're writing here? It just doesn't sound very appealing. Seems that he'd like you to be someone you're not: someone more dewy and affectionate, say, when he walks in the door. And it seems like you, too, would like him to he someone who he is not: someone who, say, is adamant about having children with you. Zoom out a bit, away from the immediate swirl of feelings, and that looks a lot like incompatibility and sort of toxic dynamic that can form when two people are resistant to accepting that they aren't compatible.

 

I know this is hard, and hurts. I just can't help but think that what's on the other side of this pain, if you move through it and away from him, has a much better chance of being genuinely rewarding than whatever it is you've gotten from being with him.

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He said he doesn’t think he can get there, but only because of how our relationship has been going.. which is fair. If things were still going well with us, he would.

 

Good grief..... he is an abusive pos who is lying and gaslighting you like crazy. He is literally instigating fights on purpose, so he can turn the blame on you and make you the bad guy, so he can point a finger at you and say "it's your fault you don't have a child" when in reality HE DOES NOT WANT ANY KIDS!!!!

 

Yes I'm shouting OP, because you need to wake up. This man is abusing you and you are desperate to hang on....Dear God this is wrong.

 

If you become the world's most affectionate woman today, do you know what he will do? Blame you for being too affectionate and not giving him enough space, so more fights. You stop he'll find another reason to fight and blame you. It will never end until YOU wake up and realize the absolute mess you are in and the man you are clinging to is a lying, abusive, manipulative psycho and leave him for good and forever.

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Good grief..... he is an abusive pos who is lying and gaslighting you like crazy. He is literally instigating fights on purpose, so he can turn the blame on you and make you the bad guy, so he can point a finger at you and say "it's your fault you don't have a child" when in reality HE DOES NOT WANT ANY KIDS!!!!

 

Yes I'm shouting OP, because you need to wake up. This man is abusing you and you are desperate to hang on....Dear God this is wrong.

 

If you become the world's most affectionate woman today, do you know what he will do? Blame you for being too affectionate and not giving him enough space, so more fights. You stop he'll find another reason to fight and blame you. It will never end until YOU wake up and realize the absolute mess you are in and the man you are clinging to is a lying, abusive, manipulative psycho and leave him for good and forever.

 

I have thought of this too..part of me wonders if he is just grabbing at anything I’ve done wrong and blowing it out of proportion to make this look like it’s all my fault... and he’s doing it because he changed his mind about having another child again. I guess it’s easier to do that than just say what it really is.

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Can I ask how old you both are? Might help for some context.

 

I understand you're in an emotionally potent moment right now, and that your initial reaction is to do anything and everything possible to stop the hurt by getting back together. But I'd really encourage you to take a few very deep breaths and try to ask if that's really the best road here, for you, your longterm happiness, the needs you want met by the experience of living and loving.

 

Because what you're writing here? It just doesn't sound very appealing. Seems that he'd like you to be someone you're not: someone more dewy and affectionate, say, when he walks in the door. And it seems like you, too, would like him to he someone who he is not: someone who, say, is adamant about having children with you. Zoom out a bit, away from the immediate swirl of feelings, and that looks a lot like incompatibility and sort of toxic dynamic that can form when two people are resistant to accepting that they aren't compatible.

 

I know this is hard, and hurts. I just can't help but think that what's on the other side of this pain, if you move through it and away from him, has a much better chance of being genuinely rewarding than whatever it is you've gotten from being with him.

 

Thank you for being so kind and understanding. I’m 34, he’s 44. Maybe it’s just enough of a gap to cause issues like this, unfortunately.

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This relationship sounds horrible.

 

Yes, yes, I know, sometimes he can be so loving and sweet! And in the beginning he was so nice! But you know what a relationship with him will be like because he's shown you loud and clear. He will not "go back" to the loving and sweet guy he was when he was begging you back and he will always treat you like you owe him something.

 

Please reconsider your desire to go back to him. He is not worth it.

 

And please, if you insist on continuing to have sex with him please please use reliable birth control including a method for you and condoms for him! The very last thing you need is to become pregnant.

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I have thought of this too..part of me wonders if he is just grabbing at anything I’ve done wrong and blowing it out of proportion to make this look like it’s all my fault... and he’s doing it because he changed his mind about having another child again. I guess it’s easier to do that than just say what it really is.

 

He never changed his mind - he told you from the get go that he doesn't want a child with you. He lied to get you back, not because of love or caring, but like a kid who doesn't want a toy, but doesn't want anyone else playing with it either and he'd rather break the toy than let another kid play. This is his mentality. The way he treats you - you are a possession to him, not a human being and certainly not a woman he loves or cares about.

 

Think on this. If he cared even a little and he knows your age and what you desperately want, he'd let you go and be happy with a man who will give you the life that you want and a child. But no, he'll come crawling, lying, and now abusing and gaslighting. He is wasting your precious child bearing years away with false promises....but then so are YOU when you keep hanging on to this creep.

 

If you really want a child, a normal family, you better get your things and run and block him from everything and never ever speak to him, let alone go back to him again. Dust yourself off and find a man who actually wants what you want for real. Guys don't lie about that stuff and so many actually want children, why are you wasting your time on this mess?

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It's not you, it's him. He is an abusive clown and at 44 he is not going to change. The million dollar question is why you are trying to get back with him instead of running the other way. Why does your brain register mental abuse as acceptable? Mental abuse should be a deal breaker. What about his unconditional love to you? Where is it? Loving unconditionally someone who tears you down and abandons you is unhealthy and definitely NOT a situation to bring a child into. Is this the kind of example you want to set for your future children? Move out and don't ever get back with him. Fool me once shame on you but fool me twice...

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Honestly, it sounds like an age incompatibility issue. He's in a different stage of life than you. His needs and yours, do not line up.

 

He is getting increasingly frustrated over wanting you to be a certain way or a certain person and you can't force yourself to be someone you're not.

 

He's not interested in children, he is using that like a carrot dangling over you, to manipulate you. But I doubt he has any intentions of ever having a baby with you.

 

He also has little respect for you and that too could possibly be the age factor. He can have sex with you, but still lie beside you and tell you it's over.

It's because he truly doesn't care and he knows he can use you however he wants and pull you back if you wants to, or push you away if he wants to, and you'll take it.

He wouldn't do that to a woman he respected and loved.

 

Both of you are trying to force something that is never going to work. 10 years is a wide gap and he's not hiding the fact that he resents you in many ways.

That's not going to change, you two do not match.

 

It's time to be realistic and let it go.

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He said he had a revelation, and saw the ghost of his dead father who showed him everything so clearly.

 

What a bunch of hogwash. If there were any truth to that, you'd be a married woman now, expecting a baby.

 

He wanted you back just to stoke his ego and now you're back, he's not interested.

 

You need to get away from this guy.

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I’m 34, he’s 44. Maybe it’s just enough of a gap to cause issues like this, unfortunately.

 

That's one way to see it.

 

How I'd see it, though? If your desire to have a child is sincere, you are minimizing the likelihood of that happening with every second you spend with him or emotionally intended with him. Time has told you this, shown you this. He has told you this, shown you this. Yeah, yeah, he had a little ego-triggered pseudo-epiphany where he paid momentary lip service to baby-making, but that, in your history, is just a little blip, and one he's gone to great, graceless lengths to show you was a falsehood.

 

I'm just here in the bleacher seats, I know, but think about it like this: If you just back away now, for real, you've got about a year of getting back on your feet. First few months will sting, followed by some time that alternates between feeling amazing and numb. Then you're you again, but stronger, and 35. Boom. Time to meet someone new who is on your level, who shares your vision of the future, who wants to be a dad the way you want to be a mom. That dude is out there, in spades. This dude? He is so not him.

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That's one way to see it.

 

How I'd see it, though? If your desire to have a child is sincere, you are minimizing the likelihood of that happening with every second you spend with him or emotionally intended with him. Time has told you this, shown you this. He has told you this, shown you this. Yeah, yeah, he had a little ego-triggered pseudo-epiphany where he paid momentary lip service to baby-making, but that, in your history, is just a little blip, and one he's gone to great, graceless lengths to show you was a falsehood.

 

I'm just here in the bleacher seats, I know, but think about it like this: If you just back away now, for real, you've got about a year of getting back on your feet. First few months will sting, followed by some time that alternates between feeling amazing and numb. Then you're you again, but stronger, and 35. Boom. Time to meet someone new who is on your level, who shares your vision of the future, who wants to be a dad the way you want to be a mom. That dude is out there, in spades. This dude? He is so not him.

 

Sorry OP. Lots of tough, but good advice here with some very important next steps/facts to consider from Blue...

 

Not only should you stop sleeping with this guy, move out ASAP. At 44, this is who he is. Stop making excuses for his complete lack of character and integrity. A good guy does not sleep with you when breaking up with you.

 

Good people can decide to end things... But they do it with kindness and compassion. They walk away, whether that means sleeping on the couch until the living arrangements can be settled or whatever. At 44, this should not explained to him.

 

You are not seeing things clearly. Know that if you want a child, you have to make good choices today.

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He's abusive. Move out.

We moved into the new house he had been building for us about 4 months ago, and everything took a turn for the worse. He has been complaining that I’m not affectionate enough, I don’t stroke his ego enough, and I’m not as submissive as he would like. It escalated to the point that he was yelling and screaming every night about it.
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That's a narcissistic abuse cycle straight out of a textbook. Please open your eyes and get out. You need to get out of this cycle and make sure you stay out. Don't go back to this person. It'll be difficult with the rollercoaster love-bombing and intense cajoling and affections at the start but you'll see the full cycle eventually if you don't give in to his every whim. Please get out and check in, find a therapist or someone who will help you recover and recoup your sanity.

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