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Thread: Partner talks with ex almost every day

  1. #1

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    Partner talks with ex almost every day

    Hi all, hoping for some outside input as I'm struggling. My partner and I have known each other almost 2 years, been together a bit less than that. He told me straight up he had a 6 year old son with his ex. He didn't mention he was still married to her, I found after we'd been together for months, I asked and he admitted they were married and said he hadn't thought to mention it and didn't plan on getting divorced as neither of them saw the point (they'd been living separately for a while at this point). He told me he didn't have a problem with them being married so neither should I. A year into my relationship with him he was still married to her, owned a house and joint bank accounts, joint health insurance and Medicare and Netflix, shared a car, talked almost every day, etc. He slept at her place occasionally, would send me pictures of them doing stuff together, endlessly talk about her including that she was attractive, interesting and intelligent. I raised multiple times that I found how close they were uncomfortable. Communication between them seemed to slow down after a while. He later admitted he had been hiding it from me as he didn't like my response and that they still talked all the time. Sometimes we'd be lying together in bed and he'd talk to her on the phone about random things, or when we were out at dinner. Recently, after us moving in together and being together well over a year, he has made some changes. He proceeded with the divorce, has his own Medicare card, Netflix and health insurance. He still owns a house with her (that they're trying to sell) and has a joint bank account for reasons I don't understand. I feel as though he's listening to my concerns but nothing is changing. She calls almost every day and texts multiple times, all of which he answers/responds to. I think it's happening secretly as well, he'll sometimes leave the room to talk to someone. She's occasionally rude to me and he defends her (I made their son a gift and she called him to laugh about it and make fun of me, which he went along with, overheard because it was on loudspeaker). She's barged into our house multiple times and just stands there and he says nothing. I fully support them having an amicable relationship and talking about their child not only when necessary but whenever would be helpful. But he's admitted most conversations aren't about the child. In the past he has admitted to prioritising her feelings over mine, but says he doesn't do that any longer (I feel as though he does). Also, his family bought her a house to live in, he said he was uncomfortable with the idea but said nothing to them. Every time she calls it makes me feel disheartened and like I'm not able to deal with being in a relationship with someone who has a child and ex wife. He knows all this and I hate the person I'm becoming- I feel like I nag him and cry about this all the time. But I don't know what to do. My relationship with him is otherwise great. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do? Any advice or thoughts would be much appreciated!
    Last edited by GH83; 10-11-2020 at 12:24 AM. Reason: Spelling mistakes

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Please divide this into paragraphs so it's easier to read.

  3. #3

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    Sorry I don't see an option to do so. I edited it once to fix a spelling mistake but can't seem to edit a second time. Thanks for letting me know.

  4. #4
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    Regardless of what peoples outside perspectives turn out to be, I ask you this, are you content with this relationship where a close relationship with the ex is part of the deal? When you imagine your ideal partnership what does it look like? Do you feel like his most favourite person in the whole world? If he knew his actions were hurting you how would he move forward? Is that choice of action going forward something you want in a partner?

    Now for my 2 cents, I think as long as he holds his ex close like he is currently doing he isnít leaving space to grow a new serious relationship with someone else. Heís not making space for you, stuff this noise, dump this guy, being single would be better than being made to feel like a third wheel in your own relationship.

    Him saying he doesnít need to divorce and his partner should be fine with that? Daaaaaaaamn! You donít have to be into the idea of marriage to want to make a marriage like commitment to someone. Canít make it with this guy, he never finalised and ended the commitment to the last person!

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  6. 10-11-2020, 02:43 AM

  7. #5
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    It doesnít really matter whether what he is doing is right or wrong or if you are being reasonable or unreasonable.

    It simply comes down to whether itís acceptable to you or not.

    From the beginning he has basically told you that he will never commit to you. He didnít care to divorce because he clearly is not going down that route again.
    He is all about convenience only. Not committment.
    Living together is not committment and he has proven that to you.

    Proceeding to try to change him into who you would like him to be and behave the way you would like him to is only going to ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship anyway.
    That might take years but it will happen.

    It would be easier to leave right now.
    You can do that by either walking away or by giving an ultimatum.
    Bear in mind untimatums rarely work and you need to be prepared to walk.

    Good luck!

  8. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He is still emotionally connected to his ex wife. They haven't broken up completely as they are both still relying on one another. There is also still a lot of emotions involved.

    The fact that she comes first, that she is allowed to walk into your house whenever she please, the fact that she can make fun of you and he joins in, and lastly, the fact that her feelings will always come before yours....are all reasons why you should dump this man and his ex wife and never look back.

    There is little to no respect here from either of them, you are always going to come last and your feelings will never be respected.

    Why on earth would you accept this from anyone? Why allow them both to belittle you, and for you to accept the lowest level of respect possible?

    This isn't love, this is him having someone around to keep his bed warm, but his heart is still very much with her, they have not cut emotional ties.

  9. #7
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    It was a mistake to continue dating him, much less move in with him.

    Sorry OP, but you are a essentially a third wheel in their twisted relationship. You should have walked away long ago.

  10. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    There's no future with someone like this. He's lied to you all along.

    After you have wasted your life as a free live-in nanny , housekeeper and mistress ( he still treats you as), you'll be left old, burned out, exhausted and broke.

    Move out as soon as possible. Where are your children, family and friends? Do you work? What happened to your house?

  11. #9
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    You should have walked away long ago. It is clear that he loves her and that she is the priority.

    He does not love or respect you! Don't be such a doormat in your net relationship!

    This is huge! Your relationship is NOT "great!"
    Last edited by Hollyj; 10-11-2020 at 07:36 AM.

  12. #10
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    One should never give an ultimatum, as your partner should want to do want makes his partner happy, and do what s best for the relationship. The feelings would not magically disappear from the ex and he would hide his communication better.

    Expect more from you partners.

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